I remember a time when this blog was everything to me. now it seems so insignificant in my life. I just remembered that it exists at all and when I read the last entry I felt compelled to update it, as if somehow this blog cares what I'm doing with my life haha

I've GOT to remember that desperation is never an attractive quality! :)

I feel like when I hear people talk about traveling to Europe or spending a year in the peace corps, or whatever other trendy sounding hobby/passion it makes me think that my interests are lame. It's alike to when someone asks you to name an actress in some movie and it's right on the tip of your tongue but for the life of you, you can't come up with  her name...that's how I feel when people ask me about my interests and aspirations. It's like, I know I have them. I know that there are a million things I'm passionate about and so many things I want to do in my life and with my life. But somehow when I'm asked what I'm passionate about or what's on my bucket list, I draw a blank. Actually the same thing seems to be true when someone else shares their exciting stories or dreams with me. I get dazed by how cool it sounds and I have this longing to be as cool as that person- as if their travels are better than mine or their career is such a better choice in life.
Maybe I need to spend more time reflecting on the blessings in my life. Maybe I need to remind myself more often how great my life has been and is. Maybe I need to actually make a bucket list so that I remember that I want to see all 50 states by the time I'm 30, or that maybe I want to run that marathon my dad's always talking about- that way I'll have a ready answer to give. Maybe then I'll be the one telling the exciting travel stories or sharing my passionate story with eyes wide...
What's the deal with my self esteem folks? Changedfish

Who's learning with this email?

I'm 22 and have been out of college almost two years now- do you know how many people are engaged, married, having their first baby at this point? A zillion! I'm in 3 weddings in the next 6 months! I can understand how it can get lonely. I won't promise a miraculous peace, that's God's job, but let me see if I can offer a bit of encouragement for this time in your life.
Dannah's newest book, "What Are You Waiting For? The One Thing No One Ever Tells You About Sex," is all about the Hebrew word Yada. It's a word that is translated to mean sex, or I suppose in biblical terms "to lie with," but in reality it's more than that. It means "to know, to be known, to be deeply respected." That's the whole truth of loneliness, we all have a longing to be known, truly known. We feel alone when we feel like there is no one that actually knows us and cares for us every day. (And when I say "we" I really mean the proverbial we, the entirety of mankind, not just you and me) We see others around us in these relationships where they feel secure in being who they want to be and being accepted for that, happy because of that. We see them pursuing each other, giving up what they want for the needs of the other, and we desire that.

I always wished that my close girl friends would fill that space for me, I figured that was what was supposed to replace a romantic relationship at this point in my life. It was so hard when they had other commitments, other plans. Not because I wanted them to spend every moment with me but because I wanted to be someone's priority, I wanted to feel special. I know it's ridiculously cliché to say, but the straight up truth is I found out that I am special to God, I am His priority. He's the only one that knows me completely, pursues me wholly, loves me unconditionally. 1 John 4 says that if we know God, we know love, because God IS love. A friend of mine spoke at our summer camp Girl's Night once and shared about how God is a romantic, that He pursues us and romances us. At the time I just didn't get it, I couldn't see how God, who I couldn't snuggle with on a rainy day, would romance me. But as I've grown in my relationship with God I see how incredibly right she was. Sometimes it's little things- like when a pair of shoes I have been wanting for months goes on sale unexpectedly- sometimes it's big things- like when I get the opportunity to move across the country for a dream job that couldn't have been more perfect if I thought it up myself.

Psalm 20:4 says "May He give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed." Having a husband and family is a holy desire, and God will fulfill that desire someday. In the meantime, let God romance you, let Him pursue you. Don't be afraid to see the ways He is showing His love for you!!

Portland or Bust??

The enemy doesn't use lies like: What are you getting yourself into is going to be hard for you. There won't be strong Christian support there you know. You may not like it, in fact it may feel like a mistake.
The enemy uses lies like: This is going to be a cake walk. You won't have to worry about people checking up on you. You can do whatever you want.

Just like the SKG script says- the only way you're going to know the truth from the lies is by reading God's word. You have to know what the Bible says in order to know God's character and recognize His voice. The harvest is huge and there are a whole lot of different jobs that qualify as "workers".

Where is my East Germany? I think my East Germany is Portland. I think that's my dark place to be a light.

I don't think I've been worried about how hard it is going to be until tonight. I've been looking at all of the positives and the adventure of it all.

Sometimes you have to till the field before seeds can be planted- sometimes you have to be the one that finds the field and pulls out all of the rocks. It's not always instant gratification, sometimes it's backbreaking, sweaty work....I still call that rewarding.

I can't believe I've been with this job for more than a year now! I was so sure it was just a 5 month internship...how silly of me : ) This has been the most incredible job of life. There are a million and a half stories that I know I will tell for the rest of my life. Traveling the country and meeting different people and working on projects that are so outside of my job description. I hope that I will back on it with joy and not with all of the frustration that it has also brought about. I think that i'm actually ready to move on after this stint. I won't be done for another 6 months still and I'm hoping by that point that I will be sufficiently ready to go. I'm sure it will be painful to leave- i've built a life her, with some great mentors and friends- but i'm excited for what the future has in store. Once I decided to sign on for an actual staff position I figured I would stay another year, but I also kind of figured I would just stay on until God showed me the next step. I kind of figured that once you work in ministry that that's all you can do now. that I would have to find a similar ministry back West in order to leave this one. I mean this job was one of those moments where God grabbed me by the shoulders and pointed me in this direction and said "go." So I went, and it seemed like in order to leave it I would have to be doing something more incredible, because how do you leave something that you were destined to do. But i'm realizing that leaving doesn't always mean leaving. and the best for me doesn't neccesarily mean staying her. I love this ministry and what it stands for and what it teaches and the way it teaches but i have never loved office work and i have never loved the disorganization of this "organization."
I'm learning that God does give you the desires of your heart. He gives you these desires and then He fullfills them right before your eyes. (as i'm writing this my heart is swelling with love for Him...I can't believe that He loves me this much, that He romances me this way...I can't believe that He fullfills my desires!) I mean I did really want to come back, i knew my work wasn't finished here and in December I knew I wasn't done yet. I want to go to Ecuador I want to do this tour.
Sidetrack--I don't particularly love the folks I'm touring with but I think I need to allow them to redeem themselves, we all need to grow and mature and I need to grow and mature in the let them grow and mature way haha sometimes it's hard to actually forgive when you forgive but i think next month I will figure out how, i'll either pass or fail and in the end i'll know what that should look like lol
but now i'm sure this is how it needs to be. It's like when i thought i would be done with camp but then the next summer i knew i needed one more summer. this year i didn't work there and it was hard, i wanted to be there, but i knew it was right not to be. and they had an unbelieveable summer up there, it wouldn't have been the same if i had been there. and now i see how efficient jacqueline is at this job and i realize that it's ok for me to leave. that someone (whether it's her or not) can fill this spot and take it further than i did. and it doesn't mean that i did and ineffective job or that i wasn't good enough at it, it means i took it to a certain spot and now it's time to pass the baton to the next runner becasue i'm getting weary.
I don't officially know what lies ahead for me. there've been a lot of open doors lately and it's looking really good. but i've seen doors open before and sprinted to go through them and they've closed again before i got there. I dont' know if that's because i over take the plans and take too much initiative or if the open door was simply a lesson that there are other options that there are doors to be opened, etc. Either way i'm struggling not to take hold of this plan as well. first things first i need to talk with my boss's about leaving at the end of this contract and what that will look like.
we'll see...either way i'm giddy

wow, so first off i should definitely be sleeping right now. or at least going to bed and not blogging. but sometimes you just have to get your thoughts out so you can sleep...and really i can't sleep just yet, i have "homework" to do...apparently that doesn't stop after school is over, it's different kind of work but i'm still at home and doing work after hours -hence homework.
the interesting thing about my homework is that i'm brainstorming to revamp this show but i won't even be around to execute it. it's so weird to be around right as everything is taking off. i'm torn about not sticking around. i keep saying that i love the ministry and i love what they do, i love the show, etc. i just don't love my job, i don't love being alone and packing boxes and that stuff. however i realize that being as i'm the intern girl i need to suck it up and just run the errands! i just think that if i have a choice of what i do with my time then i should look at the other options before i settle on this where i'm not sure if i'm supposed to stay. ugh i'm not good at having a vision for my future...well ok that's not necessarily true. i'm just not sure what i want to do for income in my life and at the moment that's something i need to know. i just wish i had a goal or dream career wise so that i would know what i want to build up to. i feel like i'm very experienced in a very specific area that is basically a non-profit field and i'm educated in a very broad field that requires more training if i want to actually get a job....

Lord, I meant to leave my schedule open, I just assumed you'd fill it by now ; ) Continue to guide me and open the right doors for me. Lord please shut doors that I need to stay out of. Please keep me from making the "easy" decisions, or from trying to please others with my plans....Please send the right opportunity my way!

Changedfish

"I wish it would all just stop...like Kindergarten"


So my class is almost here. I actually get to teach high school girls, they're letting me educate the leaders of tomorrow about biblical womanhood. And I want it to be a fun class, I want them to enjoy it- it's an elective for goodness sakes- but I can't figure out exactly how to go about it. I have all these vague ideas of topics and stuff but then I look at the schedule and I'm like, uhhh how am I going to fill a 50 min class period? I'm hoping that Dannah can channel some of my ideas when we meet tomorrow but at the same time I feel like I'm showing up at our meeting with very little to show for myself. I want to feel researched and ready to present my ideas but I feel like my ideas are still very primary and hello the class starts a week from today!!

All that stress aside, I'm so excited to be teaching a class that I care about and I really think I could do a great job- scratch that, I think I WILL do a good job with it. I know that I will push to be prepared and that it'll all come together as it's supposed to.

Teacher of the year here I come, Changedfish

"Might all my dreams be coming true? I pray everyday that they are..."

Wow, i know it's been a long time but i definately need to get thoughts out about the incredible roller coaster God has me on. I mean i knew when i got this job that it was what everything had been pointing toward but i don't think i got how MUCH that's true, how much i've been groomed for this, that i've been crafted for this. it's crazy how much the tea cup story i share on stage is what i feel about this internship. the process is trying and sometimes we dont' understand the curves and climbs but in the end it's like BAM!
between these conferences for young girls, teaching what i love-purity, beauty- in a way that i love-big stage, large crowds, loud music and excitement with evasive truth mixed between- and now the possibility of teaching a class to high school girls about that same thing that i love- biblical womanhood, practical womanhood- in a way i love- small classroom size, many guest speakers, room for discussion, not too many assignments to grade : ) - i just feel like no one has ever been this excited to do work lol
and that being said, i have no idea what this means for my life at large either. i feel like i'm in that place that i've been working toward for so long and now i don't know where i go from here because all i've been focused on is getting to this point. and for that matter does it matter if i dont' know where i'm going from here? if i am where i'm supposed to be and if i believe that my life has been orchestrated up to this point then why shouldn't i assume it will continue to go the same way.
i dunno, i like having a plan, i like knowing what i'm doing and where i'm going and where i'll be living, but by that same token i'm really into the excitement of not knowing. i like knowing that the only thing that i know is where to place my trust...

changedfish- i taste and see that YOU are good!

so, i'm contemplating deleting this blog. i already deleted 4 others (yeah yeah i have a lot) but this one is the most extensive and i just can't decide if i'll be really upset that i deleted it. i mean i'm not really writting in it anymore but there's seriously 6 years of my life blogged about, i know that a lot of it i wish i could erase, but do i really want to erase it all?

i simply can't decide- changedfish

so i have yet to finish transferring all my Israel journals here and it's almost august- what a bum!
but i had this epiphony of sorts. i'm discovering that there's this period of time (namely, the teen years) where people just want people to know them and understand them, it's such a self-conscious time and it's those years where you're getting to know who you are in general, not jsut as a product of your environment and you have this overwhelming desire to be understood to be known and to be accepted for who you truly are. and it's not that those desires change as you get older- and for those who don't figure out what humanity's original intent was it may never go away- but somehow the need for people to know everything about you deafens a bit.
i started this blog i suppose as a cry for people to know me, for people to read my true thoughts and as a ploy for people to truly accept me for who i am and who i was. but as the years have gone on i've grown out of caring so much whether people know all about my life or not. i've morphed into a person who loves people and who loves friends but i don't need them to read an e-journal to get to know me, i want to know people face to face, i want to experience life with my friends and family and for them to be a part of who i become.
and i know there have been times and there will be many more times when i wish that i'd stop to write down the incredible journey i'm taking and all the roads i've traveled, but to take that time to write it out and to have that feeling of exposure to random folks i don't know or don't keep in contact with for good reason, i don't know that i need that.
i'm not saying goodbye for good and i'm definitely not deleting this blog or anything so drastic. but i wanted to write down my little epiphony as a way to allow myself break free of my obligatory feelings to this blog, of the completely unnecessary and unfounded guilt of abandoning it in order to live life in the flesh.
and maybe now that i'm home for a few months and maybe now that i don't feel the need to write, perhaps now more than ever i will write. but i make no promises.

changedfish- making my world a better place, it's clean up day

MY ISRAEL EXPERIENCE
wanted to transfer all my Israel journals to here so i'll never lose them!

2/28
wow, so i'm leaving for Israel tomorrow! i don't even know what to say about it, i mean this trip is a total fluke. and by fluke i mean completely designed by God. it was one of those things where Molly just said i should come and then i actually did. i've just been thinking about all the other experiences i thought i would have this semester- either a spring break MIS or the civil rights bus tour or florida with friends- and how none of those plans compares to this one.
all year i've been struggling with my own self, knowing i was backing further and further away from God and not really knowing how to remedy that- or truly if i wanted to. i knew that i should read my Bible more and i knew i should spend more time- ok ANY time- praying, but i have this question about whether or not God wants us to force ourselves to do these things when our heart just isn't interested. it has been a year of wondering if i'im really His, how can i be a child of God, a friend of the King, if i don't even want to spend time with Him, when i know i'm not interested in the same things He is. i used to think it was strictly about heart attitude, about my desire to know and do the things of God. i guess i figured that if my mind WANTEd to be closer with God then i was ok. but i'm leanring that desire, when not followed by action, is the same as guilt. you might feel guilty about starving children in Africa, and that guilt triggers a pride response because you feel like you're such a good Christian for being concerned about the needs of others. but you see, your feelings do not equal food. those children will never reep the benefits of your emotion, they don't know you and even if they did i'm sure they'd like having your dinner over hearing your pity. my desire to be close to God was the same, it didn't get me anywhere because it wasn't followed by action. and quite frankly if my desire was all that genuine you'd think i'd HAVE to do something about it.

3/1
ok so day 1 didn't go quite as planned. we all met on time in the early morning hours (5:15!) at SBC. and we even made pretty good time getting down to San Francisco. it was a relaxed journey, 2 vans, granola bars and juice and frequent enough stops that you could stretch your legs as needed- i, of course, was a true Cherland and jogged laps around each rest area : )
but anyhow, like i said, it didn't continue with the schedule much past that. apparently there's some crazy storm on the east coast and our flight to atlanta was cancelled. the next available flight for all of us is tomorrow going to new york. this sounds like it would be tragic but honestly it was a great blessing.
we'd gotten cancellation insurance with maranatha tours, inc. and they told us they'll reimburse us for hotel and food, etc for the day, as well as refund the extra day lost in Israel. they told us they'd cover $150 for the night, which meant finding a cheaper hotel- and lo and behold who's mom had been sure to give her explicit instructions on the hotel they'd be staying at on the other side of the trip? mine! it was such a blessing, she'd given me the address, phone #, and even the estimated total for a night, as well as detailed info on catching the airport shuttle. now i've gotten a trial run for when i have to go it alone while waiting for my parents- thank you Lord!
and it's been so wonderful to have this day to just relax and hang out with the whole group and just get to know them before setting out on this big adventure.
Lord, i have to admit, yesterday and friday i was getting nervous about the trip. nervous because i don't really know these people and because they know so much more Bible than me. but this day Papa, You allowed me to see that those things aren't that important. it's not about these other folks or my short comings. and while i don't quite know yet why You have me here i'm so glad that You do. amen.
one more thing that was good about today was not onloy breaking down my insecurities- i pretty much looked a mess all day so physical insecurites were gone- but it was a chance to get to know their hearts and attitudes of the others. we college kids took a soak in the hotel hot tub and got to talk a little bit about why we're on the trip and what we hope to get out of it. in truth i mostly listened, but i was relieved to hear them give reasons similar to mine and not something theological and lofty that i'd never thought of. things like walking where Christ walked, seeing the Bible come to life, leanring more fully and just putting the places with the names. one said he was waiting to see what God would do with this trip- how familiar sounding : )


3/2
well it's mid-day 2 now and we're FINALLY in the air on our way to ISRAEL! the last days worth of delay was much more pleasant than this day has been- it's been a lot of airport and plane sitting waiting to take off, evidently this storm in the east has been quite significant. like i say hot tubbing with the group in San Fran was nice, sitting alone (well, next to a nice english couple, but not the others i came with) on a plane but not leaving the gate was less so.
though i have to say i'm in good spirits, as we took off a rainbow was formed next to my window on the plane and i was reading The Shack and it was talking about how God is good and just because He doesn't intervene it doesn't mean He's not in control or that He doesn't have a plan.
"God" from The Shack put it this way (paraphrased) "I am good and everything- the means, the ends and all the processes of individual lives- is all covered by my goodness, and while you may not understand what I'm doing, you can trust me." so i'm choosing to trust this goodness. i really am confident that He will use this for good and i'm hoping i'll get to see what that good is.
- I forgot to mention the bright spot of our morning-> meeting four firey canadian women headed to hawaii. they met us at breakfast and we shuttled to the airport with them. they were just so full of life! they even gave us canadian coins as mementos!


3/3
Boy was that a day! i am currently in our hotel in Boqeq, Israel. out our window...make that balconey is the Dead Sea.
let's retrace the steps that brought us here. we did eventually leave the gate in san fran around 2 or so and while our original departure time was 9:10 or so we still managed to make it to NYC before our plane to Israel took off. well actually, as we landed in NYC the pilot told us the plane was being held for us, so we trotted straight from one plane to the next. this is where the blessings began to shower us. somehow in all the scheduling we'd been placed in business class. now i my head i thought that's the same as coach- not so! it was 1st class yo! we were sitting in electronically reclining chairs, 3 course meals, complimentary movies, tv, games, music, etc. we even got hot towels! i had a seat next to hilary, who is also my roommate and we ate amazingly and tilted back with our blankets and pillows and watched none other than High School Musical 3. she'd never seen it and i wasn't really interested in paying enough attention to watch something i'd never seen and it gave her and i a chance to bond and do silly dances in our massive seats.
then we dozed off for a few hourse to awake to more food adn a nice landing in Tel Aviv! it was just such a restful flight, honestly it was super weird to be pampered like that on our way to Israel. i just picture it as some 3rd world country and here we were on a 1st class plane ride. but i think it was a little way for God to give us some rest and pampering and maybe for the flight crew to have a group of nice, thankful folks to serve.
landing and passport checks and getting our bags was pretty uneventful. we met Malcolm, our tour guide and drove here. it was wierd to lose 7 hours (well 10 from SF) because we woke up, landed and then got on the bus as the sun was going down.
due to scheduling issues with the flight delays we missed some extra Dead Sea time and a camel ride, which we're going to try to fit in somewhere else. but once again God provides and at our pit stop between airport and hotel there was a man with a camel! he was just chilling there at the gas station and he let us all take a quick ride! (the camel's name was "shoo shoo" which evidently means love)
this hotel is also phenomenal! we arrived and ate, again, at a large dinning hall with a slew of foods to try. i ate light because we'd been eating for an awfully long time. but i tried a parsimon for the first time as well as a cabage roll (like a spring roll-ish item) and a roll type item stuffed with beef- can't remember the name- it was all very tasty (sans the flan-ish sugary thing that we were told we "had" to try and and it tasted a lot like lotion)
after dinner we explored the hotel and found a room where two men were playing hebrew rock and roll and people were dancing. we entered and stood at the back. after much encouragement by those in the room we joined in and even got to be a part of a conga line! we stayed maybe 10 minutes but it was such an awesome memory of people living life in a completely different culture.


changedfish-more entries to come-

i feel so neglectful of this blog. i mean i know life gets busy but that's all the more reason to write about it. honestly i wouldn't remember half of my life in high school if it werent' for this blog! i always feel like there are things in life that you simply won't forget but that's so not true. i mean i guess i'll remember the events but the feelings and how things really happened gets lost when you reconsolidate (yeah, that's a word i learned in class today) your memories. since i last wrote: i went to Israel for 2 weeks (i journalled the whole thing and my big plan is to type them up and add them here...we'll see, eh?), and this past weekend i went to an amazing women's conference (Radiance, guest speaker was Dannah Gresh) and applied for an incredible internship (with Dannah Gresh!). I made the major life changing decision to go ahead with biblical counseling instead of secular counseling and an mft license and i'm just trusting that God knows what He's going to do with that (it was His idea to switch so evidently He has a plan haha). i've been to TWO live cd recordings that turned out more like worship sessions. i've lost two friends to cancer. i helped plan and execute another phenominal Sancitfy purity conference weekend, and a valentines day banquet for my STARS girls. i've pulled an all nighter (does 45 mins count as a nights sleep) and gotten my hair cut, i've been bridesmaid dress shopping and bonded over a broken engagement. i've made better friends of aquaintances and made aquaintances of better friends. i've eaten no less than 30 pita pockets and recieved a lot of junk mail. i've relearned cpr and gotten sick at least 3 times. i've watched far less hannah montana than last semester but that doesn't mean i've given her up. i've battled -25 degree temperatures and basked in the glorious 70's. i've played cards, colored pictures and pieced together puzzles. i've dropped my ring down the sink and gathered 3 campus safety officers to get it back. i've lost and found my good scissors only to glue the blades together and render them useless. i've made two sticker chart calandars and used neither of them. i've been home for the first spring semester visit ever and bought a million more cedarville cause t-shirts.
my life has been a whirlwind and this list doesn't even begin to describe the last few months of my life, but i had to try and list a few things. this is my last semester of college and i'm starting to come to grips with that, but i'm afraid that in my hurry to be done and my rush to experience life to the fullest before i go i'm losing the here and now of things.

changedfish- planes, trians, and automobiles

so i have this class assignment for my worldview integration class to write down what i believe "about God and life" as if i were talking to a stranger that i met in line at starbucks who has little to no church background- oh yeah and i have a meeting in 10 minutes.
hey i think it's a great assignment and all, or at least that's what i thought when my prof explained it. but now that i'm attempting to write it there's issue. problem isn't that i don't know what i would say to that person, the problem is i know exactly what i would really do in that situation. i would list off some short pat wish-wash answer that wouldn't aggrivate them too much and then i would probably end with something about this being what I believe and then i'd ask what THEY believe and likely leave it at that. somehow i don't think that's what my prof was looking for : )
but for the sake of hypothetical situations i suppose what i should tell that person is that despite what most of humanity seems to believe, i don't believe that people are born basically good. in fact, i think the opposite. because the Bible says that God created Adam and Eve as the first two human beings and they were perfect- perfect for God, perfect for eachother, perfect- the only thing God told Adam he couldn't do was eat from this one tree but a slimeball serpant told Eve that if she ate from that tree not only would God not kill she and Adam but rather she would then know all of the things that God knew. the serpant convinced her that essentially God didn't want them knowing all that He knew and that's why they couldn't eat that fruit. so eve went for it, she took a big bite and it was great so she passed it along to her husband and he ate. simple enough right? wrong. because of their disobedience there were consequences, God did not strike them dead at that moment, and they did in fact know more than they had before. they knew that they were naked, they knew that they'd done wrong. God punished them, banished them from the Garden of Eden, made working the land harder for adam, childbearing and rearing harder for eve and put a rift between man and wife.
now let's fast forward a bit, it's somewhat common knowledge that if someone does something wrong there are consequences and a punishment has to be served. if i were to rob the hypothetical starbucks i would have to serve jail time, or at least pay a fine and do some community service and get comfy cozy with a probation officer. well the same principle applies with God, ever since Adam and Eve we have wreaked havoc on the world He created. unfortunately we have nothing to offer God- i mean He created everything, what can we give Him that He doesn't already have? luckily a few thousand years after Adam and Eve God gave us a break. He knew that our measely sacrifices of sheep and goats and grain weren't enough to pay for all the wrong we were doing so He came up with a better plan. He sent His son to earth to be a man, but not just any man, because you see God's son is still completely God, and at the same time He is completely man. because He is God he lived a perfect life, never did anything wrong, He performed miracles and He preached all over. all the religious leaders at the time were so focused on rules and laws that they hated Him, they hated God's son because He told them that He was God's son and they didn't believe Him, they didn't like the way He healed people on the day of rest and they definately didn't like Him telling them that they were wrong. The religious leaders got so mad that they had Him killed. but you know what's so great about that? it was all apart of God's plan. You see, nothing is a surprise to God. At that point in time, in order to be forgiven for the wrong things they'd done a person would have to offer a sacrifice to God, such as a lamb, but not a small or sick lamb, the best lamb they had. and the death of that animal would pay for whatever they had done wrong. Well, in that sense, Jesus, God's son, was the perfect lamb. you see, when Jesus was killed it acted as the ultimate sacrifice, a complete payment not only for the terrible things that were done to Him but for every wrong thing that anyone had done or will do. And to top it all off, God's son didn't stay dead. 3 days after He died and was put into a tomb He rose from the dead and was seen by many of His friends. And after talking to His friends and telling them what He had done and explaining to them what it all meant He left. He told His friends that He was going to make a place for them, for anyone who believes that He is the son of God and that He was perfect and rose from the dead, and when He's finished He will come back and take us there to be with Him.
yeah, that's what i could tell them. the truth

changedfish- really need to be bold

Oh the joys of thanksgiving

thanksgiving is always my favorite holiday. it's the time when my family gets together- we're not big on family get togethers the rest of the year because we're fairly spread out but thanksgiving is the one time we all get together. and each year we sit down at the dinner table and each of us says what we're thankful for.
well the last few years everyone is always thankful for the new addition to the table, meaning someone brought a significant other. and each year i sit there smiling, by myself. this year we expanded, somehow we all (and by we all, i mean everyone else) went around the table- after our thank you's- and told the story of how they first met their spouse or boyfriend. now the funny thing is, as much as i make a big deal about all of this sometimes, it really doesn't bug me. i keep thinking that every year it will be this big deal that i don't have someone and really it's not. i mean without fail they're going to ask me why i didn't bring anyone to thanksgiving but the fam has done a progressively better job each year of just asking the once and then letting it go. i am, after all, the youngest one at the table each year and somehow they haven't realized that now i'm 20 and still never have a boyfriend. i mean sure there were years where other cousins didn't bring guests but they've almost always had boyfriends stashed somewhere just not at the family table with the rest of us.
and i've been reading the book "when God writes your love story" and i'm enjoying it just fine but these last few chapters i've become keenly aware of all the references to singleness being lonely and painful adn all the tearful times and i just keep thinking- is it really that hard for people? is it really so terrible? i mean i understand that the book is attempting to say that we should take this time to prepare and to grow in our relationship with God and to just become who we are and eventually we'll find someone but when they say it they say it like "we know that your life is miserable but try to make the best of it before marriage." now that's an exageration but it really is a lot of how the book is written and i just keep thinking to myself how happy i am to be who i am and where i am and that yes i do someday want to get married and yeah i'm real eager to meet the incredible man that God has set aside for me, but until then i'm not going to let my life be destroyed because i'm "alone." i truly feel sorry for people who have the incredible emptiness inside because they're not married yet. i mean i suppose i have much more empathy for those who are over 30 and still waiting and trying to cope with the idea that it may never happen for them, but it's the 19 year olds and the 23 year olds that are just so desperate and despairing over the whole thing that i feel sorry for in a different way. i really wish that they didn't ahve to feel so incomplete and like their lives are so useless right now.
don't get me wrong i realize that not everyone is like that and there are plenty of people that are still living life, but it seems i keep running into and hearing about the folks that are moping about the wait.

i'm beginning to get excited about the day when i get to bring a special friend to thanksgiving-changedfish

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BLOG!
did you realize that 5 years ago this month i started this blog- since that time i've expanded my blogspot to include 7 blogs ranging from 2 posts to 475, with a grand total of 632 posts. now maybe over 5 years time that doesn't seem so significant but to me it's incredible to be able to look back on the past 5 years and have 632 different reminders of what's gone on in my life and who i am and where i've been...
praise the Lord for blogging- changedfish

Major Major update time

i know i know, you're thinking to yourself- wow what a slacker, this girl has been a terrible blogger this year. as you sigh you're remembering past years when i would post weekly- if not daily.
i wish i still did that, i forget so much of my life already. and i know i needed to blog to get through my teen years adn to sort through the drama of high school and such but just because i've hit my 20's doesn't mean that life is less dramatic. i mean now is when decisions really matter and where my life is truly being shaped.
this semester has once again been so vastly different from all the others. it started so slow, it felt like it took forever for all of my usual activities and ministries to pick up and get going adn then october hit adn so did the busyness! work started adn so did bible study adn ministry adn my training for the women's center and now i'm in a play- BAM so much at once, and on top of all the extra curriculars somehow i'm supposed to keep up on my studies and do my senior research project!
i say this merely to give an idea of how full life is but also to remind myself of all i've accomplished by this point. as i sit here i'm a week away from going home for thanksgiving for a week, only to come back for 2 weeks and return there for christmas break. before i go home though i have to turn in 3 major book reports and take a test, perform 3 nights of Flowers for Algernon and pack haha.
however looking back my senior project is done as is the majority of my semester- i can't believe i'm graduating in less than 6 months.
i don't know what's going to happen at that point, it's so hard to believe that i won't still be walking this campus everyday. i mean i suppose i always knew it would come and i'm really excited for that day to come but this has been my life for 3 years and it really is my life, all my friends are here all my mentors, all my activities. this is where i found my passions in life, this is where i've had the most intense experiences of my life, i've learned more about myself, God, others, and life in general in these past years than i had in the first 18 i walked this planet. i dont' want to return home and allow my life to go back to normal. not that college life isn't normal i suppose but it's not normal for life, its' only normal for college kids and i won't be a college kid anymore once i graduate. actually that may not be true because i'm planning to go to grad school next january- we'll see if the Lord confirms that plan in the coming months.
i'm going to be very interested to see what job i get when i move home. i knwo that may sound silly but i honestly have trouble thinking of jobs beyond the average "kid job" like waitressing or retail or lifeguarding or camp counseling. i mean i dont' midn working any of those jobs and i'm sure that's where i'll end up working but still those aren't jobs that one pictures as a college graduate's job. yet i didn't get a terminal degree so i'm not really trained or prepared for anything. don't get me wrong, i've loved my education here, i think it has given me an incredible foundation for life- it's just not exactly a practical degree if i wanted to stop at the bachelor level. though i may be surprised, i mean God is not limited by things like that, He keeps surprising me and changing my plans, i know He'll do it again this year and i'm excited about that prospect.
it may sound ridiculous by my biggest dilema is whether or not i'll do camp again this summer. it like physically hurts to think that i may not be there counseling full time this summer. the last time that happened i was 15! adn back then i was a camper! haha i mean i know that everyone would understand and all but i keep thinking that maybe if i just live at home and maybe if i can get a weekend job or something that maybe i can still do it- and then another part of me thinks that maybe i can play the laurie williams role and just be the person in charge of primary kids and the girls talks but that would mean only being up there a couple of camps or maybe a day or two a week- it's just not the same, but it would still be camp. and i mean if i do head into grad school the following spring semester at national i won't be able to do it the next 2 summers for sure because i'll be in school and after that i'll have a master's and will definately be expected to be moved out and working a real job- i mean i know i'll only be 23 but i can't mooch the system forever. though it would be smart of me to move home for a while rather than moving out like i keep planning because grad school's not just going to pay for itself and i like my parents. they're good people and are so laid back and love me so much and are very accomidating to me having friends over and to me having my own schedule adn stuff. i mean if moving out was free then i'd obviously go with that but since it's clearly not then i have to decide if i can logically pay rent, utilities, groceries, and school without going into serious debt. though i'm sure taking out a SMALL loan wouldn't be the end of the world but i'm also at the time of life where marriage is starting to enter into the picture and the last thing i want to bring into a marriage is financial baggage- i have enough baggage for the poor guy already just being the sassy mcsasserson that i am.
it's all so much for me to mull over at once. and i know i'm not supposed to worry about tomorrow, and really for the majority of each day i dont' even think about these things but i feel like God's given us the ability to reason and plan and think things through adn it's my responsibility to be responsible for my future.

having thought all this through i figured i should talk to my family about it all and get their feed back so i sent this email to my mom: (i merely include this so i can remember my own thoughts, not really because i think you care about my email to my mom)

"hey mama,
this is random but i was just doing some thinking and journaling about my future tonight and i knew that you'd take the time to pray for me and help me think things through.
the basic things i've been thinking through are like whether or not i want to move home or move out and whether or not i want to go to national or whether i want to go somewhere else or whether i want to go to grad school at all. and what i'm going to do for camp once summer rolls around.

i feel like i don't know where God's leading me but at the same time every time i think about not doing camp next year it really bums me out. i know this summer started out rough and i thought it was time for me to step out but i don't know if i can do it haha and i keep thinking that maybe i can become the new laurie williams (with my own flare of course) but i dont' knwo if she's going to step down at all and i dont' know if they'd pay me for that. but at the same time that would be a lot less stress and may be easier on me, i mean that way i could still be a major part of camp but not have to lose as much sleep : ) but it's hard to start a new job and say "well i need these 3 weeks off and i need to be off by 4 these night so i can go up to camp" you don't get to do that at a new job adn i dont' think it's very responsible of me to not have a job with an actual income once i get home.
obviously if i plan to move out then camp is a no go because it simply won't pay the bills and because i'm not going to pay to nto live there 5 nights a week! but as excited as i am about moving out and being on my own and stuff the logistics just don't seem to fit. the more i think about it the less responsible it sounds- i mean i know that it sounds like i'm being a responsible adult if i move out, but if i have a place that i can live rent free for a while and save up money so i can go to grad school debt free then it seems completely irrational not to take up the offer.
so that brings me to this thought- what do you and daddy think about me moving home, i know you love me but be honest, what do you think about that. like do you want me to pay some rent? how soon do you want me to move out? i mean i know that you two keep going off on trips and living the life so whether someone is there or not in that capacity may not be a big deal but if i'm living there that's one more mouth to feed and one more person using the computer and one more person washing clothes and stuff. i just don't know if you two are at a point where you're ready to just have the house to yourself or if you really adn truly want us kids lingering.

i know this is long but you can take shifts reading cuz i'm just going to keep this flow going- i think of all people you'll not mind.

money-wise my goal is to have saved about $2,000 by graduation, if daddy can manage to sell a rental (i hear the housing market is super good right now haha) then my loans will get paid off and he's said he'll give me the balance, which is something like $10,000. if i do go to national the whole program will cost me around $23,000 and i wont' start until january after graduation. so even if i get an $8/hr job, if i work say 30 or more hours a week i'll make over $900 a month. may- january that's just under $8,000. which brings the grand total to 20,000 (well that's the gross number, i mean i don't intend to not spend a cent, this is hypothetical of course, we're just working the numbers- follow me haha) and that would enable me to pay off school without having to take out a loan because i'm positive that i can make the remaining $3,000 within 18 months of school. however as you can see this is assuming that i'm not paying any rent anywhere (ok really it's assuming that i haven't put gas in my car or bought any groceries or any clothes or gone out to eat or had coffee with a friend).
i say all of that to come to the conclusion that if i want to do school debt free then i'm going to have to either get a ridiculously good paying job or not move out right away.
then there's the idea about going somewhere else for school or not going at all, and i haven't really entertained those thoughts as of yet because i really feel like if i'm going to get another degree that's the program i want and redding is where i watn to live and such. so that's not really as much of an issue but still something to pray about and decide if that's what i want to be doing and where i want to be spending all of this money.

ok, i'm done now : )
thanks for reading all of that, i know it's long but i had a lot of thoughts and i needed to think them out and i also want to hear what you think about it all and i knew i'd forget to have the whole conversation."


this has been a lot of thinking, changedfish

The First Place

Jesus, the perfect picture of the unseen God
Maker of things we cannot comprehend.
Wisdom, the earth displays Your strength and beauty.
Sovereign, yes, every throne knows You are God.

Every inch of this universe belongs to You, O Christ.
For through You and for You it was made.
Your creation endures by the order of Your hand.
So You must have in all things the first place.

Victor, over sin and death You triumphed.
Firstborn, You've shown us life beyond the grave.
Bridegroom, we long for You in expectation.
Jesus, Your church rejoices to proclaim

i wish knowing it and practicing it were as easy as typing it- changedfish

Looks like you're heading for a crash landing

so my roommate and i prayed together for the first time tonight. that may seem normal if she was a new roommate but this is the 3rd year we've roomed together.
we've been through a lot together and we've prayed with others and we pray for eachother but never together. i think it stems from the fact that prayer is such an intimate thing and i'm such a private person and we just started our relationship off without it but it was a good thing.

why today? because i needed it, i needed her i suppose. i have this thing about always being the strong one- the one who carries everyone- and so admitting that i need another person isn't my thing. but today was just one of those days where i stopped lying to myself. this semester has been marked by an extreme amount of apathy on my part but i like to sweep things under the rug- especially things which are unsavory- and so i did so, but not today.
we were praying for the city cuz it's national day of prayer and a bunch of us from urban min classes or former urban min classes got together and prayed and at the end our prof just set a chair out in the middle of the room and asked if anyone needed prayer for anything. my heart just started pounding and i knew it was me- but my lovely pride doesn't let one such as myself go up in front of others and admit weakness so i sat tight while a handful of other individuals came and sat in that chair, one at a time and got the prayer i knew i so desperately needed for myself. by the time i decided within myself that i was going to go up the prayer time was over and our prof finished in prayer and everyone started to leave. i almost wanted to be like "wait, i need to sit there, and the only reason i need to sit there is because i don't want to, because i hate that i need to sit there." but i didn't.
that started out my day of realization. i realized that i dont' care- i don't care about the city that they all so passionately prayed for, i don't care for the poor and the needy, i don't care for the people at this school or for my friends or my roommate or my family or my classes or anything else. the only thing i care about is the fact that i don't care and that is the one thing that aches. i want so desperately to have this fire and passion that those around me have, i want to care, i want to feel that holy love so near and so real- but i don't. and the kicker is i know exactly where to find it and how to get it, i fully believe that God is faithful and just, that He is powerful beyond all measure, that He gives to those who diligently seek Him but that's the whole problem- i don't wnat to ask. i don't want to humble myself before Him and ask. it's this ridiculous psychic conflict (yes a 10 cent psych major phrase) in which i'm longing to do the one thing that i'm refusing to do- it's quite annoying let me tell you.
i just sat in chapel after that prayer meeting with that feeling you get when you know God's trying to get your attention- He's speaking to you, telling you to listen up, and i did, i did listen.
i realized that there are a zillion people who ask you "how are you" and "what's going on" in a day, and that any answer but "good" "ok" "fine" "not much" are miserable to give because then they feel as if they're supposed to ask you about your life and problems and if you dont' wish to discuss your personal life with aquaintances you should simply fake the happy smile whether you want to or nto- and that was an interesting revelation too because i know i'm the exact person that is who i don't want to talk to, like i am that token perky girl who seems to care but you're not sure if she actually does. and to be fair, for the most part i do genuinely care and feel sympathetic toward others, but truly what good does it do them to tell me why their day was crappy?
anyhow, all of that was before lunch haha, i had a whole off day but then after dinner i got to talk to my roommate about it all and that's where the prayer part came in.
i don't know why i feel as if i always have to carry people. i think it's just the pride that comes with people being able to count on you and choosing to do so often. it feels good when people come to you with their problems or with questions- you feel as if you're special and you know the answers and you have life figured out and i despise the idea of becoming one of the people that come to me for help you know. not because those people are any less than me (more really) but because i don't want to be looked at as fallen, i dont' want to be viewed as having needed others or as not being as perfect as i once was. you know the people i'm talking about, the person that you looked up to and thought was so mature or so grounded or so strong and then they fell and it's like it was a lost battle for you, you feel personally affected and hurt for them having not been as perfect as you thought. we say all the time that we shouldn't depend on others but yet we do, and we do need to to a certain extent, and when we trip they're there to help us up or to keep us from falling but then when that person trips we blame them as if they're responsible for us holding on to them. somehow we're allowed to trip but they aren't because they're our stability. and that's where the turmoil hits home. i don't want to be the one who was carrying the crowd adn then tripped and fell.

that's just the way it looks from where i'm standing- changedfish

Buck up fella

ok so i know i'm a creeper, but i have this thing where i don't like people that i enjoy the company of to be unhappy and i don't really know how to fix things ever (me and tact are not friends) so i usually just begin smothering them until i feel that awkward tense moment where i realize that they're creeped out or until they tell me to stop or until it works and they feel better- as you can see that is a 1 in 3 chance at best that my smothering plan will work and let me just say that i doubt if the odds are truly that favorable, i've been smothered before...not great.
anyhow so, i've realized this pattern in myself and i'm wondering if this is a self-destructive move that i need to remove from my list of defense mechanisms (though i suppose it's more of an offense mechanism- or an offensive mechanism if you want to shoot for a humorus title). and when i say self- destructive i simply mean that it can't possibly be good for me or my social relations to simply attach myself to those who seem to be hurting. and it's worse when i don't knwo the person very well, i mean then i have no chance of guessing what style of compassion they need so i just try all sorts of things. apparently my friendship making skills aren't really that great, i start out by acting like we've known eachother for decades and then once i've known them a while and am suitably comfortable i then backtrack and begin the calmer friendship building activities like asking about parents occupations or school mascots. i mean it seems to be working ok, but i fear i frighten people at first (and not just cuz i'm insecure...cuz they tell me i do lol)
well, that's really all i was thinking- i watched gilmore girls tonight (crazy things going on in that life by the way) and so i'm typing really fast and thinking really fast and have all these witty things to say rolling around in my head...it's an odd side effect but one i thourally enjoy.

cheer up sport,
changedfish

summer's almost over and i didn't even realize it started...


i've loved this summer, being home this summer has been great. i know that i don't always blog the most positive things, especially abotu home and family or whatever but truly i'm happy, i really am. and my family's been great. i just have this thing about blogging when i'm in serious moods and not goofy moods because who wants to sit down and write when they've got energy, but that ends up giving the wrong impression- you'd think i was artsy or something (you know how people can be fun adn silly but when they do somethign artistic it's all of a sudden dark and moody?)
anyhow, camp took a while to sink into this year. i guess i just was kind of unsure of the material at first and was so distracted with my internship and not being where i knew i wanted my heart to be that i just couldn't get into the mode of it. but these last few weeks have been amazing. my friend had a hard time one week adn through helping her i just got to spend a whole night with God, just praising Him and praying about everything and it was the energizer i needed (granted i didn't get any sleep, but turns out you don't need sleep as much as the Lord's strength). anyhow from that point on my summer just turned around. jr. high week went great, at first my girls didn't particularly love me because they're snots like all jr. highers are but we ended up having a great week and hopefully they were challenged to make some life changes. then came high school week- wow. well first of all, that weekend i just stepped out on this limb and ended up giving camp bread to this couple under an overpass who were the NICEST, FRIENDLIEST people travelling through our smokey town (did i mention we've had over 200 fires burning continuously in our county since june?) anyhow, for high school camp i kind of ended up in charge of our girls night section of the week but man was that God's planning too. i think He just needed the woman who's normally in charge to realize that He's used her a lot but this year needed to be raw. He had something to say and it definately got said. even if the girls weren't impacted, i know i was. and not only that, that week i had kylee in my cabin, who is the most amazing girl! she had partial brain removal surgery when she was 4 or so because she had such severe epilepsy and let me tell you the only part they removed was the naughty/ mean part. she has so much energy and excitment, her attitude is perpetually sunny, and you should see her face light up when she finds out someone "has Jesus in their heart" she usually squeals and then hugs them : ) she taught me so much about the simplicity of life and the simplicity of humanity. how i dont' need to know all the answers to follow God- that's why i'm FOLLOWING not leading! it made my week harder, due to having to follow her around and help her do everything from showering to picking out clothes, but it was worth it- it teaches the other campers things and she has a blast.

i've said this too much this summer but it's true, God gave me a gift this summer and it came in the form of a friend named Molly. I won't go into much about that because the Lord blessed me though others too- i mean though Grace especially and through karen too, with felicia and bev and jamie and even in darlene's short time with us (sure the boys too but i spend less time with them) it's going to be much harder to leave this summer than i would've thought it would be. i dunno, somehow this summer it's like i finally sunk into the idea of being at home and realizing that i love redding. i adore Cedarville and it's exactly where i've needed to be these past couple of years but i finally think i'll be ready to leave after this year- i'm not ready to be done yet, but i realize now why i'm only there for three...it's time to come home and start life here again.

speaking of coming home again, at the beginning of the summer i had a complete blank sheet of paper for after graduation (and i mean ok so it's only a faint chalk outline now) but now i have a few puzzle pieces. one of my dearest friends that i grew up with was going to move out with a girl who is now getting married so it's real likely that she and i will move out together next spring after i get back and then out of no-where popped National University, a school right here in town that has a masters in counseling psychology program which is designed for those who are working full-time (which i'll need to be to pay rent and for school and stuff) and is an accellerated program which will get me done in 18 months. the best part is there are fewer pre-req's so i don't have to worry as much about my GRE scores and stress out about admissions essays and stuff- i mean they're not just going to let me walk in and sit at a desk but i'm much more relaxed about this coming year now that i know that i can just be me and still get more education. not that i'm some education freak but i just think it's smart to be prepared and to have enough education that if, may God-forbid, something were to happen where i needed to support myself or where i didn't get married or where whatever happens in life, because it's unpredictable, i could support myself.

well so anyhow, it was a phenomenal summer and i'm sad to see it be over- i leave in less than a week to start driving back to school, and i'm really excited about that, i've started packing and all, but still it seems awfully rushed- i just got here and all.

changedfish- big to-do list tomorrow...apparently every moment counts when you have a lot to do in a small amount of time : )

wow summer.
i don't know what happens with this blog, i have these points where i write like 2 posts a day and then these dry spells where whole sections of my life disappear and i don't document them.
this summer has been great and so odd at the same time. i've gotten much more comfortable transitioning from school to home but the longer i'm away the less home-like home begins to feel. i love my parents so much, they're truly the best parents ever but i just think i love them so much more when i'm not under their roof all the time. it's not an authority struggle or anything like that it's just that when i'm home i like to just chill and i don't really have time to right now because i did my internship for a million hours and now i'm up at camp and it's like i'm only home for a few hours here and there and so i want to spend time with them but i also need to relax and i think they're feeling like i don't want to see them.
and parent dynamics just change i mean they're getting older and i'm getting older and different things are important to us than were important a few years ago and so it's good to spend time with them and we have great conversations and we have a lot of fun but i'm starting to understand why it is that children need to leave their parents homes and move out.
being home is also weird because i'm not super like the rest of my family. i mean i'm not a black sheep per say, we have similarities but somedays i feel like i'm cut from a different mold. and now that my sister's home it's like the 3 amigos and their great uncle louie (me being louie). and it's not their fault at ALL, they try really hard to include me and to love on me (all the time..they follow me aroudn the house sometimes...it's a bit much) but it does become more and more obvious that i'm just a different person than they are. i dont' care about diets the way my mom and sister do and i don't feel the need to push myself to the physical limit on every bike ride the way my dad and sister do. and i have my cynical sarcasm moments when i like to be a bit less bubbly. i know i'm part of the family because we all have this creepy optimistic outlook on life and we think it's funny to say things liek "yeah well we all have problems" in the middle of a card game- and then repeat it 12 times in the next 10 minutes. but there are times and days when i look at them all and see how they are a very close-knit group and i'm just a bit of a square peg.
to be honest i kind of like being the different one, i don't need to be a carbon copy and i enjoy the independence that comes from being a step back from the mob mentality. it was more noticable earlier in the summer when i was actually home each night and it was the fab four family dinners and all, but recently it's been a crazy rush of me going to long beach and then camp and then sister's been gone and relatives have visited and it's just a flurry. we'll see how the rest of the summer goes. mom and i decided that our family just functions better one on one and not as a group because all we know how to do as a group is pick on each other and it doesn't create the calmest of environments.

this last week i took my GRE. it was fine, my scores weren't great, they were pretty average, i'll probably take the test again in the early fall. but it got me thinking. i mean i go back and forth on this grad school idea all the time. one day i'm definately going and the next i'm definately not and i've taken to just saying that i'm going to prepare to go in order to leave that window open but if i don't go then i don't. it's really hard for me to plan out my life when i don't know where it's going haha. i've tried the whole make my own plan thing and now i think i'll just wait and play it one step at a time. but anyhow this test got me thinking just about how my mental capacity only goes so far- now that's not a jab at myself, i think i'm plenty intelligent but eveyrone has their mental limit and the further in education i go the more i think that i've just about hit it. i like college and i love my classes but i simply will never be as smart as some others. and that's totally cool with me, it doesn't bother me not to go graduate school (in fact some days it weirds me out more to say that i am going to go because that sounds so smart-person and i don't feel that i am that person). it's one of those things where i feel like i'm pretty mature and i have a bit of life experience and i'm a basically logical person and so if i'm not this intellectual type who thinks above the clouds that's ok, i like being down to earth. and truly i think the main purpose i am on this planet is to be a wife and mother. maybe it will never happen, maybe i'm wrong, maybe that's not the plan. but it's just one of those instinctual things where i know that i can do that. life's so unpredictable and confusing and i don't know much, i don't know what i'll do after graduation adn i don't know if i could get in to grad school or pass grad school and i don't know if i could be a counselor and i don't know if i could be a research assistant and all of that. but i do know that i can cook adn i do know that i can do laundry and i do know that i can make a happy home and that i can take care of children and that i can be a supportive wife and mother and i can be a room mom at school and i can move wherever my husband gets a job and i can be happy no matter where our passions take us. those are things i know, more than most of life, those are things i know about myself. and therefore i just think that that's something i will end up doing. and if that's my main purpose then that's ok. i don't need to make a world wide discovery or be famous or change the world. if i could raise children who grow up and follow Jesus, i really can't think of a better life, a better calling, than that.

changedfish- don't worry, i have a few years of bacheloretteness in me : )

I have a confession...i think i'm beautiful

ok so i have my fat days like everyone else and i have my avoid the mirror cuz you look gross days the same as the rest of the world but the bottom line is i find myself to be an attractive individual. and the reason i classify this as a confession and not like prideful moments with melanie is becasue i feel like in society today the in thing is to be self-conscious. yes i'm insecure at times and i really do have those red-faced moments but truly how completely en-vogue is it to feel bad about yourself these days. i feel totally ridiculous saying that i find myself to be attractive. we all talk about how much we admire confidence in others and how we like people who like themselves and yet the unwritten rule is that you're not allowed to like yourself. hello, anyone pick up on the whole emo movement? it's like all of a sudden self-loathing is chic and liking yourself is geek (notice the rhyming...yeah i know).
i don't want to have to weigh myself, i don't want to have to diet, i don't care if my makeup smudges or if i don't wear any, i like my baggy jeans and i like my hoodies and it really doesn't matter to me if you see me in sweatpants. yes i want to be healthy and get some excersize and eat well but the pressure to be thin is overwhelming- who cares? seriously if i stop eating i'll die, weigh THAT!
i guess it doesn't seem like it's that big of a deal to think that you're beautiful but it seems that way, the same as no one telling me to my face that i'm fat doesn't make me think that- i mean with all the ridiculous media influence these days girls don't stand a chance, and when they think that they're supposed to feel insecure and hate themselves it doesn't leave much opportunity for high self-esteem or any kind of confidence...

i don't know where i'm going with this, all i have to say is that whether anyone else recognizes it or not (mom doesn't count) i find myself to be beautiful
changedfish- love the skin you're in

wow, it's been forever and a day since i've posted - i guess now that i can speak i don't need to blog...which is oddly true, i was so inverted and self-contemplative through all of that and now i can talk things through with people more so i dont' feel the need to work them out through type but just because i'm not silent doesn't mean i'm not wrestling through some stuff and i need to write it down so i even know what i'm working through.
number one on my heart always seems to be worrying about the future- and i know the bible explicitly says not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough to deal with (extreme paraphrase btw) but it's still on my mind and heart. i'm doing this internship over the summer at home at lifelight and that's all well and good but in order to get the requirements done for school i need to read like 120 pages about my internship topic or whatever and the prof in charge had said that training could count for that back when i was doing it at miami valley (here in ohio) but now that i'm not i was still going to do their training and to be completely honest i was hoping to do their training but not actually work for them- which is a terrible thing to do to them because they need workers too adn why would they train someone to do a job when that person wasn't going to work there you know. and so they kind of had it all worked out so that i could do the training in april and my orientation in august and then start working in like september and it would be all fine and dandy but the big thing is that i'd need to GET to the internship and i don't have a car and i cannot actually expect that someone will drive me there often enough to be of any help to them or to have regular clients you know and so it's like that's probably out of the question but rather than just being honest and telling these people that i continue to feel guilty all the while hoping for a miraculous change of heart by my mother so that i'll end up with a vehicle here next year (doubtful but a girl can dream)
which speaking of the car my plan for being able to move out of this place next may is to have jess come home with me for spring break next year and then we'll drive it back together and i can pack it up at the end of the year and drive it back (hopefully with stef flying out to ohio and coming back with me)- i like the plan but we'll see what the parentals think about its feasibility. the only other thing i guess i could do is fly out for easter and spend the whole easter break driving but i don't really want to do that so we'll just see. i guess the big thing is i don't truly want to drive cross-country with one of my parents, i know that they would probably think it would be a great idea and maybe it would be but they don't realize that i haven't spent that much straight time with them in a while and it would be a pretty small confined space...we'll see, it's a long ways off.
speaking of a long ways off (i like all my transitions) grad school or no grad school, that is the question. i totally flit back and forth on it, one moment i'm totally no and the next i'm an absolute yes. right now i'm on a yes cycle, i just think that while i'm in the school mode i should go and do it and that i won't regret it but it's another one of those decisions that alters your life you know like where am i going to go and i'm i going to get a counseling degree or a social work degree and i'm i going to plan on a doctorate- which could either be a phd or a psyd- and do i want to go secular or religious...like there's just so much that goes into it and i think that's something i'll need to work out this summer, at least narrowing it down to 5 or less that i want to apply to and then praying hard that i get into one but perhaps praying even harder that i only get into one so that my decision is made for me haha.
along with that comes the financial conversation, do my parents want to pay for grad school or should i be paying for that, if i'm paying for it am i going to work my way through or rely more on loans and then there's the idea of where i'm going to live and how i'm going to support myself and how am i going to pay for gas and groceries because i'm sure i won't be living on campus especially not like i am here at cedarville where i have a meal plan and no where to go and such. and then there's the idea that if i'm going to grad school this sad computer that i've been lugging along for my CU career is just not going to last, back in the day my only plans for life was that i wanted to get a laptop as a graduation present and now i'm like, but wait what about how you still drive the car your parents own or how you don't have a job adn they pay all your bills and insurance, etc etc and how you don't know how to be a real adult or how to manage money all that well and...it just gets overwhelming
i know i shouldn't worry about all this stuff but that doesn't mean i don't, i mean it's all coming up
and then there's this whole thing about how i registered for classes and now i'm second guessing what i signed up for- how ridiculous is that but i'm looking at next years schedule and it's mighty busy looking even though i'm taking the fewest credits i've ever taken and i'm looking at the openings for PEACE project officers and the fact that Sanctify is just taking off and how i want to continue with STARS and i may pick up extra shifts for work and i'm hoping breakdown will actually have some performances, etc etc etc and then i think things like that i'll have time to work at miami valley? like i don't think that's all going to happen (so maybe it's a blessing that i wont' have a car and i can check one more thing off of my list for next semester) i jsut don't know if i can keep all these classes on my plate but i'm only signed up for 14 credits and i need 12 to be full-time so if it's too much i won't be able to drop one....i need to go through the courses and see what's open and maybe re-think the whole missions minor thing, especially if i want to go to a state school for grad school because they don't care about the missions minor they'd rather i had more psych and counseling classes...hmm maybe that's what i'll do next, so much for the whole sleeping thing but you know tomorrow's friday and i can sleep when i'm old? (yeah when i'm old i'm sure i'll be just as busy so i dont' know why i always say that)

changedfish-sometimes questions don't come with answers, sometimes problems don't have solutions...at least not right away

If every word I said could make you laugh I'd talk forever

am i happy it's almost over? i guess, i don't know, yes? maybe?...it's such a hard thing to answer. i mean obviously i'm glad that i'll get to talk again but i feel like all that's going to do is make people line up to want to talk to me and i'll be back to square one, exactly what i was trying to avoid, i didn't mean for this to put me in the center of people's minds, i really truly didn't see that as a potential side effect. i mean yes i want to talk to my friends again but i don't want it to be a big scream and hug fest every time i utter a word you know? like i don't want it to be like everyone making me carry the whole conversation as some kind of pay back, it's just i feel like that will ruin the whole hting. i more than appreciate all the support i've recieved and i'm truly overwhelmed by the love i've been shown, don't get me wrong i've been so grateful to all my friends for being so excited about the end of this because of what that implies but at the same time their joy just makes it harder for me to play this low key. i'm not trying to oversimplify and be all holier than thou, i'm not even trying to be overly humble i'm just being honest in saying that it wasn't that bad and yes i'm glad to talk again but i don't want it to be like this huge feat that i did, this grand saintly adventure that i shoudl get a plaque for, that's just obnoxious, i'm the same as everyone else (less than really) and even though you all think you couldn't do it, if you felt like it was what God wanted you to do, you could. i'm nto claiming that i did this in my own strength adn when i tried i bombed so really the only option is that i had divine help. i don't know...we'll see how it goes, i can't say without a doubt that any of this will even be a problem, i mean if i'm going to claim to trust God with it now, why does that stop when i can talk again?

changedfish- 2 days?

Interesting idea, can't say i disagree entirely

Ours are ominous times. Each nervous glance portends some potential disaster. Paranoia most mornings shocks us to wakefulness, and we totter out under the ghostly sun. At night fear agitates the darkness. Dreams of empty streets flitter through our fitful heads. Enduring these omens, as vague and elusive as the obscure horror they suggest, we strain to think of exactly what scares us. Our minds run over a daunting litany of global problems. We hope with our listing to find a meaning, a clue to our unease.
We mentally scan the scene. We are on the verge of eroding away our ozone layer. Even as I write, this erosion is causing melting of the polar ice cap. Within decades we could face major oceanic flooding. Even our greatest skyscrapers, yearning heavenward, could soon be devoured by indifferent waves. We are also close to annihilating hundreds of exquisite animals. These beasts — white rhinos and Sumatran tigers and California condors — have been in the making for millions of years. Within almost a human lifetime our disregard for nature has put these sublime creatures almost into extinction. Soon our forests will be empty of colorful torsos and exotic wings. These formerly teeming groves will be as bland as pavement. Moreover, we now find ourselves on the verge of a new cold war. Nuclear warheads before long will be on the rise again. The fears of the middle of the last century will return. We’ll wonder: Will this year be the last that humans breathe and walk on this time-rending earth?
I can now add another threat, perhaps as dangerous as the most apocalyptic of concerns. We are possibly not far away from eradicating a major cultural force, a serious inspiration to invention, the muse behind much art and poetry and music. We are wantonly hankering to rid the world of numerous ideas and visions, multitudinous innovations and meditations. We are right at this moment annihilating melancholia.
We wonder if the wide array of antidepressants will one day make sweet sorrow a thing of the past. We wonder if soon enough every single American will be happy. We wonder if we will become a society of self-satisfied smiles. Treacly expressions will be painted on our faces as we parade through the pastel aisles. Bedazzling neon will spotlight our way.
What is behind this desire to purge sadness from our lives, especially in America, the land of splendid dreams and wild success? Why are most Americans so utterly willing to have an essential part of their hearts sliced away and discarded like so much waste? What are we to make of this American obsession with happiness, an obsession that could well lead to a sudden extinction of the creative impulse, that could result in an extermination as horrible as those foreshadowed by global warming and environmental crisis and nuclear proliferation? What drives this rage for complacency, for the innocuous smile? What fosters this desperate contentment?
These questions of course cut against the grain of what most Americans claim to think. A recent poll conducted by the Pew Research Center shows that almost 85 percent of Americans believe that they are very happy or at least happy.
The psychological world is now abuzz with a new field, positive psychology, devoted to finding ways to enhance happiness through pleasure, engagement, and meaning. Psychologists practicing this brand of therapy are leaders in a novel sort of science, the science of happiness. Mainstream publishers are now learning from the self-help industry and printing thousands of books on how to be happy and on why we are happy. The self-help press fills the shelves with step-by-step plans for worldly satisfaction. Everywhere I see advertisements offering even more happiness, happiness on land or by sea, in a car or under the stars. And as I have already noted, doctors now offer a wide array of drugs that might eradicate depression forever. It seems truly, perhaps more than ever before, an age of almost perfect contentment, a brave new world of persistent good fortune, joy without trouble, felicity with no penalty.
Surely all this happiness can’t be for real. How can so many people be happy in the midst of all the problems that beset our globe — not only the collective and apocalyptic ills just mentioned but also those particular irritations that bedevil our everyday existences, those money issues and marital spats, those stifling vocations and lonely dawns? Are we to believe that four out of every five Americans can be content amid the general woe? Are some people lying, or are they simply afraid to be honest in a culture in which the status quo is nothing short of manic bliss? Aren’t we suspicious of this statistic? Aren’t we further troubled by our culture’s overemphasis on happiness? Don’t we fear that this rabid focus on exuberance leads to half-lives, to bland existences, to wastelands of mechanistic behavior?
I for one am afraid that our American culture’s overemphasis on happiness at the expense of sadness might be dangerous, a wanton forgetting of an essential part of a full life. I further am wary in the face of this possibility: to desire only happiness in a world undoubtedly tragic is to become inauthentic, to settle for unrealistic abstractions that ignore concrete situations. I am finally fearful over our society’s efforts to expunge melancholia from the system. Without the agitations of the soul, would all of our magnificently yearning towers topple? Would our heart-torn symphonies cease?
I want to get to the bottom of these fears, to see if they’re legitimate or just neurotic grumblings. My feeling right now is that they are valid. This sense grows out of my suspicion that the predominant form of American happiness breeds blandness. This kind of happiness appears to entertain a craven disregard for the value of sadness. This brand of supposed joy, moreover, seems to foster an ongoing ignorance of life’s enduring and vital polarity between agony and ecstasy, dejection and ebullience. Trying to forget sadness and its integral place in the great rhythm of the cosmos, this sort of happiness insinuates in the end that the blues are an aberrant state that should be cursed as weakness of will or removed with the help of a little pink pill.
Let me be clear. I’m right now thinking only of this specific American type of happiness. I’m not questioning joy in general. For instance, I’m not challenging that unbearable exuberance that suddenly emerges from long suffering. I’m not troubled by that hard-earned tranquillity that comes from long meditation on the world’s sorrows. I’m not criticizing that slow-burning bliss that issues from a life spent helping those that hurt.
Likewise, I’d like to be clear about this: I don’t want to romanticize clinical depression. I realize that there are many lost souls out there who require medication to keep from killing themselves or harming their friends and families. I don’t want to question the pharmaceutical therapies of the seriously depressed. Not only am I not qualified to do this (I’m not a psychotherapist marshaling evidence, but a literary humanist searching for a deeper life), I’m also not willing to argue against medications that simply make existence bearable for so many with biochemical disorders.
I do, however, wonder why so many people experiencing melancholia are now taking pills meant simply to ease the pain, to turn scowls once more into smiles. Of course there is a fine line between what I’m calling melancholia and what society calls depression. In my mind, what separates the two is degree of activity. Both forms are more or less chronic sadness that leads to ongoing unease with how things are — persistent feelings that the world as it is is not quite right, that it is a place of suffering, stupidity, and evil. Depression (as I see it, at least) causes apathy in the face of this unease, lethargy approaching total paralysis, an inability to feel much of anything one way or another. In contrast, melancholia (in my eyes) generates a deep feeling in regard to this same anxiety, a turbulence of heart that results in an active questioning of the status quo, a perpetual longing to create new ways of being and seeing.
Our culture seems to confuse these two and thus treat melancholia as an aberrant state, a vile threat to our pervasive notions of happiness — happiness as immediate gratification, happiness as superficial comfort, happiness as static contentment. Of course the question immediately arises: Who wouldn’t question this apparently hollow form of American happiness? Aren’t all of us late at night, when we’re honest with ourselves, opposed to shallow happiness? Most likely we are, but isn’t it possible that many of us fall into superficiality without knowing it? Aren’t some of us so smitten with the American dream that we have become brainwashed into believing that our sole purpose on this earth is to be happy? Doesn’t this unwitting affection for happiness over sadness lead us to a one-sided life, to bliss without discomfort, bright noon with no night?
My sense is that most of us have been duped by the American craze for happiness. We might think that we’re leading a truly honest existence, one attuned to vivid realities and blooded hearts, when we’re really just behaving as predictably and artificially as robots, falling easily into well-worn “happy” behaviors, into the conventions of contentment, into obvious grins. Deceived, we miss out on the great interplay of the living cosmos, its luminous gloom, its terrible beauty.
The American dream might be a nightmare. What passes for bliss could well be a dystopia of flaccid grins. Our passion for felicity hints at an ominous hatred for all that grows and thrives and then dies — for all those curious thrushes moving among autumn’s brownish indolence, for those blue dahlias seemingly hollowed with sorrow, for all those gloomy souls who long for clouds above high windows. I’d hate for us to awaken one morning and regret what we’ve done in the name of untroubled enjoyment. I’d hate for us to crawl out of our beds and walk out into a country denuded of gorgeous lonely roads and the grandeur of desolate hotels, of half-cracked geniuses and their frantic poems. I’d hate for us to come to consciousness when it’s too late to live.

Excerpted from “Against Happiness” by Eric G. Wilson. Copyright © 2008 by Eric G. Wilson.

changedfish- "...my chemical left me a beautiful disaster, still love's all i see"

mmm what'cha say?

i feel like this has been a really eventful semester and once again i am one of those people who's just like, "yeah, it's been good i guess." i don't know why things don't effect me that much but let's just recap our lives (meaning my life) for the past semester shall we?
well january was relatively uneventful, i mean ok so i lit my computer on fire and my spring break trip switched from new york to chicago but other than that it was just a jumble of getting used to a new slew of classes and finding people to eat lunch with and stuff. i mean i guess january was my transition from the groups of friends i hung out with last semester into the people that i hang out with regularly now. then february came, oh february. well i went to chicago with advanced urban class, my grandpa died, i gave up talking for lent, a friend came out of the "closet", another friend started treatment for cancer, i was a refugee weekend with contemporary world missions class. somewhere around february dugo came to live at cedarville adn we went to troy one weekend as well, it was february where i started to find an actual friend group, and we have had some good times, spoons night and envelope licking and just hanging out in chuck's. march came a few weeks ago, i went to chicago again, this time for spring break, and i did a jr. high all nighter with some good folks, and at the end of this week i'm going BACK to the chicago area for easter break with the lovely torres family (which also signifies the end of my silence, whatever will i do)
i dunno, even in recapping i can hardly remember the other in between stuff i did. it's been a really good semester, far better than last spring semester even and at the time i thought that semester was great so you can only imagine right?

changedfish-trains and sewing machines

i think that God uses other people and repetition to tell me things. generally if i hear the same idea many times over from people it finally gets through my thick skull and i start to pay attention. i dunno that's how i payed attention to psychology and abstienence and why i did this lent thing in the first place and now again. so many people keep asking me what i'm learning from all this, now granted i don't ahve to answer them yet because i'm still within my 40 days but what happens when it's over, what am i going to answer? what will my tag line be?
throughout this whole time i'm astonished by how big of a deal it is to OTHER PEOPLE and how small it seems to ME. and i don't know if that's a good thing, keeping me humble and less frustrated, or if it's a bad thing. i mean i feel like this could've been (and still can be) life changing and yet when it's over i just don't see msyelf being that different. that's annoying y'all. i feel like what i've learned is that God didnt' create me to be a quiet person, and it truly has shown me how many people care about me and do appreciate what i have to say- which is encouraging because i am plagued with a fear of being obnoxious, i always view myself as being 70 decibels above tolerable but somehow a common repeated phrase is that people are looking forward to hearing my voice again (imagine that!) or that people really miss me talking. it's that whole absence makes the heart grow fonder thing i guess cuz i just dont' think very many people would've thought they would miss my voice prior to this whole experiment.
but back to the point i was originally trying to make- what have i learned. how can i come out of this and just shrug my shoulders? i said i was doing this so i'd learn to listen, so i'd learn to let others take main stage- have i done that? even in my silence i can shove my way to center stage with the best of them. i always begin with this wonderful vision of the potential of situations and i guess i shouldn't say that those things don't happen because they were unrealistic because all things are possible and maybe i just get in the way but i dunno, so many times the idea i have in my mind doesn't end up happening and i think i'm good at communicating the dream but then when it doesn't pan out i just accept it and move on. that doesn't make sense but eh.
i just feel like somehow i've become some kind of quasi role model throughout this whole thing adn i dont' want to be a bad mentor and i wish i could lay it out and say that i'm totally changed and there are a zillion things that i learned adn that i will forever more be observant of the smallest whisper but it's just not like that. i hate to disappoint, i've enjoyed my silence, it's been a totally different experience for me but i can't romanticise (how would you spell that) it as more than it is. maybe in the next week it will flip my life around but i just don't see that.
i feel like i took too much control of it, i tried to communicate too much, i didn't change my mind along with my actions but i guess i just figured that it would be one of those if you don't want to do something do it anyway and you'll end up liking it or whatever that principle is like how when you're in a bad mood if you smile when you dont' feel like it, it'll still make you happy. well i guess i figured that if i just stopped talking then i would stop preparing htings to say and maybe i'd listen better and maybe i wouldn't try to gain attention...i believed in the domino effect i believed that i am happier when i smile so maybe i'd have a quieter mindset if i acted quieter. and maybe i'll surprise myself but i just feel so much the same inside. if anything i'm more depressed when i can't talk to people as much, i don't laugh as much, i feel less supported, and i try harder. the things i miss the most are being able to ask people how they are and what they're doing and how their break was and how i can help them out, i miss being able to ask questions in class and i miss being directly addressed instead of being referred to in the third person to those around me and yeah, i miss being able to make people laugh. i feel like when i'm not talking sometimes it makes things more about me but it depends on the person. i think people closest to me, especially those who truly understand why i'm doing this, just kind of ignore it and talk to me anyhow- i like that- sometimes they joke about my condition and put words in my mouth or misinterpret my motions but for the most part they dont' treat me like a martian. then there are those who just look at me like i'm fragile and useless adn they dont' knwo what to do with me, those are often (though not always) the ones that feel like they can't talk when i can't. those are the most humorus responses, when others give a thumbs up because i did, or when people start to motion or write down their responses, it's best when they catch themselves doing it and laugh. there are a few people that i still don't think know that i'm not talking which is fun, i mean if i can communicate non verbally well enough that people don't even realize i didn't say anything that's just funny haha there are also a lot of people that think i have bronchitis or something, and another group that doesn't know what lent is (or think it's a person or a dare of some sort) - i guess you could say that i'm at least more observant, maybe i'm not a better listener but i'm at least paying better attention, does that count?

my thoughts are jumbled and it's late and i need to shower still so i'm out.
maybe the lesson is yet to come- changedfish

who i am today and who i will be 2 days from now are completely different people...
but i think that's ok with me



hence the title- changedfish....refugee

it just makes me laugh ok....how is it that silly things in life get you from bland mood to grand mood?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uvXsgSI-n4

changedfish- fiddy fiddy cent y'all!

most frequently asked question: do you ever worry that at the end of this when you go to speak that you'll open your mouth and nothing will come out?

oddest aspect of this: people who i haven't told slash that i don't even know, know that i'm not talking....small campus- word gets around evidently

changedfish

What is love? baby don't hurt me- haddaway





love is how it's lost not how it's found- azure ray




you are what you love, not what loves you back- jenny lewis





love is watching someone die- ben gibbard





love is a fast song- copeland





love is a battlefields- pat benatar





love is the movement, love is a revolution- switchfoot





love is all you need- beatles





and if they try to tell you love fades with time tell them there's no such thing as time- jack johnson





i am loving waiting, yet hating it too- andrew "cos" costerisan





always love, hate will get you every time- nada surf





The power of love is a curious thing make a one man weep, make another man sing- huey lewis





i believe in love but i'm completely by myself alone;

love is more important than monogamy- savage garden

I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart- the darkness

love is a many splendid thing- various




love lifts us up where we belong- joe cocker




changedfish- if i have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, i am nothing (1 Cor 13)