It's halloween!!! yey!!! this and new year's eve r my favorite days of the year i truly think! and i'm HOPING that i'll have people at my house pretty soon, i told them 5 and i told anyone that wanted to come to come, if ur reading this and it's halloween and it's not 10 yet, come on over! i love you all, happy halloween!!changedfish

the maywood boys post-show at the dip!

missed their shows all this week! :-( but'cha gotta love these boys (even if u dont, dont' tell me, they're my buddies!) www.maywoodrock.com for more on the lovelies!

love u guys, play hard! muah, changedfish

HOMECOMING IS FINALLY OVER!!!
let me tell u it was quite the ordeal, but all-in-all i think it went well! i mean heck we pulled it off AND we won the varsity game! i didn't cry or faint or anything and i only hyperventillated for like 4 hrs today...not too bad for homecoming in asb lol
now there's the rest of life to deal with....eh, nevermind, i'd rather not!
love u all thanx for all ur help and support i love u all soooo much u don't even know!!!! i would've died w/out all the help i recieved!
changedfish-planned a dance

(extra additive after the fact-read entry below first!)
OOh, and i don't know who i'd "fool around with" if i could choose, and i can't answer that because i wouldn't do that, and it doesn't matter if there's no strings attached or if it wasn't wrong to do so, i can't answer it anyhow because even if there were no consiquences i don't like anyone romantically at this time and i don't need to and i don't want to, a boyfriend is NOT the end of the world or the begining and i'm not saying it's wrong, i'm saying for me right now, i have no time to dedicate myself to that, cuz i don't want to, i don't like anyone and i don't want anyone liking me because i don't want to date anyone, esp. not right now...so stop talking to me about it, i don't know ok...i just don't know!
changedfish-stressful nite!

It's just one'a those days, when u don't wanna wake up!
wow, so today was one crazy-insane day, i don't EVEN know where to go from here. started out horrible in the morning, and escalated to worse as the day wore on! i mean ok, i understand that asb is ms. carson's life..but one flipping balloon order should not send her into an uncontrolable frenzy! i mean i have a lot on my to-do list too but if i say i'll get it done, i'll get it done and if it's not perfect then i'm sorry but u can't blame me for things that are out of my control!! and if things go wrong, breath deeply, don't screech and make people cry cuz it's all my fault and i realize it, but don't go venting on others! she gets so psycho around homecoming i don't even wanna step into her vision line! i'm serious i'd rather do a zillion balloon arches than step into her classroom at times! she's balistic, i swear i love her to death but she needs some sort of medication! i'm glad she does an awesome job and is dedicated and all but she needs to calm down because this rally and homecoming is not the end of the freaking universe! and my dance only goes one hour so o my goodness if it's not "wazoo" then shoot me but i don't work THAT hard for something as petty as a high school (hour long may i add) homecoming dance!! and if josten's doesn't show up to take pictures then i'm sorry but i'm not putting a slide show together and it'll just have to be lived with!
i'm seriously considering college conection for next year, i mean i'm SOO ready to be off this campus w/all it's drama and hissy fits, people just aren't as mature as i thot they would be, i mean i understand immaturity on a certain level but downright stupidity and retardation, now that i cannot excuse..people just need to suck it up and act their age! i'm not even talking about a specific incident i just want off campus sooo bad, i mean i'm tired of dealing w/the day to day crap of people....i know it's been like this forever but i'm finally reaching the end of my rope and if certain things happen it'll just be the straw that breaks the camels back and i'm going to start twitching out! i don't freaking care who's dating who or who likes whomelse or what's going on this weekend where, i don't, and i don't care what so-and-so is saying about so-and-so-else about whoever over there...i just don't care, and heck u can tell me what u wish but it doesn't mean i'm listening or can offer good advice, i try, i've tried for so long, and i'm nice to everyone, i believe that everyone deserves basic respect and kindness and compassion, but don't take advantage of my generosity i AM only human i DO have faults and if u find them, stop highlighting them and displaying them for everyone, it's annoying! i don't know i felt like venting but my goodness i dont get life and i don't even know what to think about anything right now, i hope everyone is happy w/themselves and their decisions but frankly i have a lot on my plate for tomorrow so please hold off untill next week or at least saturday cuz i can NOT take any more of this, i'm going to have a melt-down or just keel over and die! and i KNOW that was over-dramatic i REALIZE i've just whined for the past page and a half but it had to be off my mind otherwise u'da been hearing it from me all freaking day and NO ONE wants that....so basically, i'm sorry, i love u all, and please realize my stress level is catastrophic for no reason at all......changedfish breathes---into a balloon arch

the most true analogy
"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."
changedfish....so sorry

"God i can only love so much, why cant i just have the one i will fall in love with? I will love her forever, even if she ugly. I will love her forever, even if she is deformed. God i will love her forever, cause personality is all the matters."---wow kid, sometimes you surprise me for some odd reason, wish all guys thought like this!

it's true stuff y'all...the looks thing, it's nice and there has to be some sort of attraction to make things work i suppose, but eventually we all look like grandma's and grandpa's......so don't focus on that stuff....get to know people, talk, and hang out, cuz if u can't stand to be with them now think about 20 yrs from now!
muah from changedfish-youth sunday tomorrow whoot whoot!

Lyrics...cuz i felt like it!
Then I'll say "Is everything alright? there's been a few things I've been meaning to let go of tonight"And she will say "Everything's just fine so you can put an end to your worrying mind"And then our lips will collide

i don't feel like filling space w/nothing....and yet leaving the space seems wrong as well...so a partially filled space has just got to be better than an empty space or a full area......rite? o maybe not...maybe it's better to complete a task or not start it rather than to do it half-heartedly...but tonite...i don't feel like it! g'nite wish me luck on PSAT's tomorrow, changedfish

i think i've almost lost my love of writting....maybe just for a moment an instant a time...but i'm not even excited right now...and i know most of u don't get that..but for me writting is this huge independance bit, it's an emotional release it's a personal thought process that i need in my life and if i don't feel like doing it anymore i get scared...scared that i'm shutting down, scared that i'm just to tired, to lazy, to stressed to complete my regular rituals...
another thing! o gosh..so pissed, people r so freaking stupid!
aight..now i think pranks r funny, i really do, i think it's funny to make people feel humiliated on a regular basis and it's fun to feel u pulled something off all secretively..but when people get on some crazy power trip and think it's funny to destroy property and run wild...i mean seriously u can't think of something more intelligent to do? u can't find something hilariously funny taht's unharmful and funny to EVERYONE..i mean i understand revenge, retalliation, heck it's my powder puff too but u don't have to go and ruin it for everyone..u were warned, they told u flat out, if u go crazy we pull the plug...and if that's what ends up happening well then i think u deserve it! i'll be hecka disappointed, i was really looking forward to all that fun, the boys in skirts, me playing fball but i'd rather not even do it if i'm going to be forced to play with people that can't control themselves! i mean honestly did u think u'd get away w/it? that it'd be funny and the srs would laugh and say how cute? no they're gonna go nuts and the cycle will never end! because it doesn't end at powder puff..o no u think it will but it won't and 10 yrs from now u'll visit the school and we'll have major hazing issues and will u feel bad then? will that finally convince u that this wasn't funny? will u look back and say wow how stupid we shoulda just put rats on the field like we'd planned....i hope u had ur fun, cuz it's prolly over now!
i wish i weren't associated-changedfish

i hate bad news....
i hate to give it i hate to recieve it..it's just such a downer...and i mean even if it's not bad news persay i just don't like news that isn't good. i had to deliver some not-so-pleasentness this week and it wasn't like i had to be mean and hurtfull..it's just i don't like having to say something to anyone that doesn't put a smile on their face...and obviously it weighed on my mind if i'm still thinking about it now...wutev...this is REALLY short for me. but it's late and i gotz to go..just had to post cuz it helps me think therefore i can get some sleep! much love friendlies, i love u all, seriously love to the max, u have no idea how much u r appreciated! changedfish

while observing my own blog i've realized it's been almost a full year since i started this thing...wow..that's a long time...i mean i've well surpassed the 100 blog mark and that was exciting but 365 days of owning a blog..that's kind of an acomplishment!
and when looking back....i've come a long way...i can honestly say i am almost 0% of the person i used to be and at the same time 100% the same....i know that doesn't make sense, but i've gotten to know myself throughout this past year and it's been really nice! it's not that i didn't konw myself before..i was just confused i would surprise myself at what i thot and did and it was one of those awkward stages where everything is foreign to u and ur not sure what the next step is.....but now..everything's pretty clear, i know how i work what i'm going to do how i think..i like it this way, i like knowing what i should do and what i will do and what i won't etc...u get it...i've had a bit of self-discovery this past year and it will only get better i hope!
changedfish....truly changed

u know what i've decided? (well of course not...but i'll tell u nehow)
i've decided lots of things recently but this moment my epiphany is that i don't need a "boyfriend" like everyone seems to think a person does....i don't need a relationship. i don't need a long phone conversation every nite or flowers on vday i don't need those lovey cards or someone to take me to some nice place....all i want is someone to hug me everyday and make me smile just by being around them...all i want is someone to hang out w/every-so-often so i won't feel alone and bored...all i need is a friend, and of those i have plenty....u may think i'm speaking of boyz here...but in essence, i don't need one...i have many friends of both genders, i cuddle, i talk, i write notes, i give gifts, i go out, i have fun...w/my friends...and i won't allow the world to convince me that i need a specific guy...i won't allow the world so tell me that i must have what they're selling..i don't need some passionate kiss, all i need is a friendly smile and a few "i love u for u"s in my life....and i have that
i have a weekend packed w/fun, i have a super hero b-day party, a kidnap plan and a fun dip excursion to look forward to...i have friends, family, and sleep comming my way and i'm happy about it...my friends r amazing and i have NO idea y they've chosen to spend thier valuable time w/me..but i won't take it for granted, i know at any moment they could decide they have better plans else-where and walk away w/o a glance, but i also know that i have the kind of friends that would never do that...they would never leave w/o trailing me behind..holding my hand the whole way....i have fantastic people in my life that r funny, sweet, smart, kind, honest, supporting, goofy,sneaky, lovey, cuddly, gorgeous, hansome, awesome and splendid...i don't need one person to be with because i have an army.....y trade a bunch of spectacular for one mediocre?
changedfish appreciates life tonite

music-the relaxation key or a tool of distruction?
i've been listening to music a lot lately and different kinds..diff bands and songs i have never listened to before, that my friends recomended...it's awesome..u no how sometimes ur sooo GRRR and then u hear a song and ur like ahh breath of air! then again..i've known music to be cruel..it haunts u, it senses when that certain song would send u into hysterics and it chooses that exact moment to play itself...it's like a conspiracy!
besides that certain side-effect of good music i like the stuff..it's enjoyable, it makes me smile often and i can choose music for any mood and choose a mood to match my music and i can always find something to please people w/music..i mean who doesn't like music?? some crazy hater thats who!
in closing i would like to say (loven how i sound like the dry eyes guy at a seminar) that music rox!..it just plain rox sox! changedfish
p.s. u blogger people r awesome and most of the time make me feel truly loved..keep writting because creative juices need to flow..otherwise they stick to the glue cap and cause self-distrucion!
changedfish

the world turns....into a giant pumpkin!
wow so far this weekend has been awesome and it can only get better (i hope!)
i notice that on the weekends i seem to hang out w/the people that i don't hang out w/during the school week..i think that's a good thing tho..cuz i have a slight fear of people hanging out w/me too often and getting sick of me or finding some tragic flaw and not liking me nemore...so i try and keep some variety in the people i hang out with.
actually i've been hanging out w/a lotta gentlemen on the weekends...but not like u think..not all crazy date'n'it'up... friends! i mean seriously they're so fun and comfortable to be with...i don't feel like they expect anything from me..they don't seem to judge me too harshly or cause me to dig deeper holes than i started with through my ramblings..cuz i do that way too often.
and i can do fun things like PAINTBALLING....that was soo much fun for me, i mean i LOVE to just watch! and playing was neato too..and my crazy battle wound is awesomeness!
i dunno i just feel so included and loved with these people and i'm soo glad that i met a lot of u this year...ur just such awesome people..goodness the Lord has blessed me with such AWESOME people in my life! i mean i really couldn't ask for better! they all seem to love me as much as i love them...it's just nice to know that if i ever need a friend i'll have some!
xoxo, changedfish

painting my nails, cuz the only things that sound fun are past opportunites...
sometimes i have trouble reading people..i mean i guess throughout the night of my ramblings there must have been understanding and support comming my way, i think that was what the "i totally understand" and the "that's exactly how i am, how i was" comments were about..but sometimes i have trouble telling...i think he understands that he can trust what i'm doing i think he understands where i'm comming from..he's always stuck up for me, he loves me a lot, and i know that he cares about me, but i also think he trusts me and believes me when i tell him what's up. i dunno...this was a long ramble cuz im tired and it's late but y'all have an awesome weekend i know i will! changedfish

sometimes the people that know u the best, know u the least...
i've found that often people that have known me for the longest, or the people that i was closest to, feel that they know me very well. and that would be a true statement....however, at times it saddens me how poorly they portray their knowledge of my personality....if they would talk to me, ask me, actually know what happened or be there when things r happening, then i say make ur own decisions...but if ur just basing things off what u've heard or what other people saw then ur not being fair, and i KNOW life's not fair and i KNOW it's not supposed to be..but people should realize that at times i'd prefer fairness...at times i would really like for them to know what they are talking about before they say things.
some days i walk up to every crowd of people and realize they were just talking about me....i hate that, i hate that no one feels they can talk to me about me, i'm not an evil beast, i won't kill them, i will just tell them...but nope, most people would prefer to talk to those around them, they'd prefer to guess what i'm thinking, or decide for themselves what i should/shouldn't do...if i felt it was their business it wouldn't be so bad...but when it doesn't concern 1/2 the population of those discussing it (and discussing it falsely) that's when it causes me to become annoyed....and i do fully realize every step i take, i can see what i'm doing, what i've done, and i make my decisions because of what's best for me not for those around me because it's not their lives and they can make their own decisions as well...i'll even support those decisions! but hey if u think u can live my life better than i can, go for it, i'll let u take my schedule my stress, my life, for one day...think u could survive? think u could keep the tears back? think u could stand up tall and smile at everyone?...those r the things i strive for- a positive attitude, a loving personality, an enclusive nature....those r the things that matter to me, love, God, family, friends...not classes, or even future in this world...it's the big things that matter to me not the details
changedfish