have i mentioned that i love my bible study? cuz i do. seriously like each week i just come back with all these thoughts in my head and i really love working it all out with other people and with myself. tonight brandon talked about fitness and health and wellness. i mean it's bible study yes, but that's his passion, he's a phys ed and health major so his pasion is helping people through wellness. it's like everyone has their passion, for me it's friendliness, for brandon it's health, and that's so crazy to think about how God has designed us all so differently that we dont' all enjoy the same things we dont' all have similar thoughts- and while we're all similar in many ways, we bring out different parts of different people. it was just an interesting thing to think about because i never realized how selfish my health consciousness is.
i don't go to the gym because i want to be physically fit for God or because i'm very "my body is a temple" i go to the gym because i'm weight conscious and it makes me feel better about myself, because i like to be seen there, i go to the gym to boost my own ego.
i don't eat healthy because i want to stay healthy or because i want to be strong so i can go anywhere God leads me. i eat healthy because i'm self conscious. because i don't want to be seen with a piece of cake or a soda in hand, because i don't want one more reason to be worried about my appearence. i eat heathly to guard myself against stares.
if a person looked at my eating and exercise habits they would probably think that i'm some health nut- i mean think about it, i get up early 3 days a week to go job, i don't drink soda (except the very rare caffine boost or seirra mist in my lemonade), i don't eat deserts (except plastic spoon day-sunday night- when i have frozen yogurt), the only food i have in my room that's mine are reduced fat wheat things and nutrigrain bars, i mean honestly when i read those things i think of myself differently even and all of those things, they're not some pledge to health they're a reason to focus on myself or rather not to have to focus on myself. and that's silly

what's more important love or silliness? changedfish

being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up, these are the best days of our lives.

this semester has been a bit intense for me to start with. i mean i dunno, i love these people SO much, more than i could've imagined i would, but it seems that in following my ordinary schedule around this time of year is when i just kind of get tired of making an effort, i start to feel as if i'd rather just hang out and have some me time, watch a movie or spend some time with God, or read a book. i mean i don't know if it's weather, if it's just the length of time since summer, what it is. usually it doesn't even come this soon but i guess it's probably more the fact that i feel like i'm really starting to get to know these people really well, and they're getting to know me, and i like to keep people at a certain distance. i like to hang out with people and have fun and know a bit about them, they know a bit about me but when it starts getting too deep too often my instinct is to shrink back. it's just a lot of work to invest heavily in the lives of others, i don't like to let people down, and i don't like to have too many expectations placed upon me. i mean the amount of trust these people place in me is overwhelming, why? why do these people trust me? why do these people love me? why do these people find me amusing, important? i have this incredible fear that at some point i'm going to make a wrong move and i think it's easier if i just don't spend too much time with all of them, that way it's less likely that i'll screw it up. and that's doable this semester, i mean ihave 18.5 credit hours, some pretty time consuming classes and i have 2 bible studies i'm doing and sometimes i have so much to do that i just end up forgetting things, therefore cutting out excesive friend time seems like a good option. and coming up with quality excuses is easy, who can argue with homework, and i really don't feel like i'm missing out most often- if i did i would just go along you know. i dunno...i know this isn't the right approach, i guess i should just toughen up and work through the hard times, but it's so much easier said than done. at least at high school when i went home at the end of the day i didn't have to deal with it anymore, here i go home and it's all around me, and it's not that that's a bad thing, i mean i love that about college, i love how close you can be with people it's just, i dunno sometimes i feel like the more i get more worked into this group the more i look to my outside friend/aquaintances and realize that the clique-ier we get the more i can't very well mix it up. i have to make choices between them and i hate that, i hate that i'm a floater by nature but that most people seem to be clumpers. i don't know what's wrong with me. i think i just take it all for granted after a certain point, i mean honestly i am still astounded by the group of friends i have aquired, i feel wildly blessed to have such great people around me, loving me, but i guess the more time you spend the more normal it seems and you forget to be grateful, it just seems like a duh, sort of the well of course i would have amazing friends, doesn't everyone? and that's what kills me inside, no not everyone does and i feel like i don't invest in other people the way i've been invested in. i work hard on being friendly and that's all well and good but i feel like i don't spend enough time encouraging, enough time listening to others, helping people with their problems, or just making time to hang out with them one-on-one. i know life is busy, everyone's is, but the fact that i don't ration my time and use it to the best of my ability bothers me. i've just felt so drained lately, so out of it, so tired, and just blah, it's not that i'm in a depressed mood, it's not like a sadness, i'm still a really joyful person, the Lord has given me more joy than almost anyone i know, but it's just this feeling of uselessness, i have so many intentions that i don't follow through on and i just i feel like God blesses me so much and what am i doing to pass that on to others? sure i'm nice to people and sure i make them laugh but what is that doing to further the kingdom of God you know? like i don't feel a call toward missions or full time ministry in it's traditional sense but i just know that there's more for me to be doing, there's more purpose that i'm not fullfilling right now. i know that right now my job is school and all but this is my training grounds, it's my preperation for the real world and i can't just put everything off until i'm done with school when i can start small things right now, that's just being a procrastinator...

i need more to-do lists in my life- changedfish

"you are what you love and not what loves you back..."

thank you, so much for allowing me to be a part of that bible study, or group discussion or whatever you want to call it. just being able to sit in a circle with a group of believers and talk aobut the issues of life. the thoughts that plague us as adolescent christians in this society, it's just so amazing to hear each person give a different thought, a different perspective, a new profound thought, and they are profound. these men and women of the Lord are so honest, so human and yet so above my understanding on so many levels. do i live what i say? sometimes i think i do and other times i can't help but observe in what i can only describe is awe while others live thier lives with this incredible dedication that i wish i had.
as christians what sets us a part from nonbelievers? if there's no genetic code, there is no physical feature, there is no obvious defining characteristic then why are we the chosen few? what do we do that makes us deserving of this awesome grace? nothing, there is nothing that we've done special other than just simply to answer the call. it's after that moment that we become this unique grouping of people and what defines us then? love, i believe it is love, attitude, heart motive...it is the sacrificial love that brandon mentioned, the way we would go to the end of the earth for another person not because we want recognition and some kind of restitution but because we love that person the way Christ loves us. is it possible to love another human being with that pure love if we have not experienced Christ's pure love? i think it is not. if you haven't experienced it you can't replicate it. like i mentioned tonight, the moment that i pin point as the defining "i am now a Christian" time in my life is when i experienced Christ's love and vowed to show it to others. the moment i realized that there were people in the world that were not being loved around me and that was just as much my fault as anyone elses fault. some people walk around all day not being loved, not being talked to, not being touched, and often times go home to hostile environments where they are not loved and cared for any more than they were all day long at work or school. why not take on those people? why not love them? yes i realize that some of them are dull, others are down right annoying, sometimes it's super hard work to love that person but is that really any valid reason not to do so? is there any excuse that is going to be good enough to say to the Lord on judgement day? "sorry i didn't talk to that person but they had funny hair." not gonna cut it. what is that saying about recklessness, loving with reckless abandon- that crazy running through the halls screaming, waving your arms about as if you're 7 and the swings are about to be filled and you want that last one, running full sprint, lungs collapsing, heart pounding out of your chest touching the sky, full focus, clear intention, pure explicit dedication- that's the way we should go after Christ's love and the attitude we should have when it comes to loving others- there's no other way.
if it isn't a "sin" but it bothers another person is it wrong? such a harsh question, if me eating pork bothers a Jew should i just say no thanks i'll take a carrot? where are the lines on this- i don't know. i feel that the reason i live my life as morally as i do- not drinking, going to parties, dressing provacitively, not using profanities- it is not because i feel that those acitivities are neccesarily bad for me (in moderation) but rather because i feel taht i am setting an example, or at least that i am a representation, of Chrsitianity. there are so many hypocrits (self included) that claim a relationship with Jesus and then don't live a life style that seems to fit and it really bothers me, it breaks my heart that nonchristians will look at them and all they see is flaws. we're all flawed, we all do horrendous things each day of our lives, it's the truth, but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't attempt to live as much like Christ as we can.
to confess, i'm one of the worst of them all, when it comes to being with fellow believers it's not an issue but so many of my best friends don't know the joy and peace of Christ and it's those that i should be making the biggest impact on by setting myself apart in some ways and yet all i end up doing is becoming comfortable and conforming- being the way they are because i feel comfortable letting those parts of me go because they don't have any inhibitions about those things.
but now that's the question right there- are those things neccesarily wrong? it all comes down to the heart motives. am i saying those words because i have intense anger or as another adjective, am i telling this story because i think it's important or because it's gossip, am i being fair and kind to those around me or am i judging them harshly with an unfair chart of what i think they should be?
and to live my entire life for God, what does that mean? this is modern day america here and between school, extracurriculars, friends, family, etc. where does God fit into my schedule and how can i make Him my schedule rather than fitting Him into the cracks, but actually infiltrating him into each and every activity- when i'm studying what is my focus? even mundane tasks like eating, exercising am i doing it because my body is a temple of the Lord, am i talking to those i need to talk to and rationing my time between social and school. being a student is my job right now but what tasks do i need to be sure not to neglect in keeping that part of my primary focus. and at the top of all of it making sure that my words and actions line up, that the way i try to protray my person is the person i actually am. don't be a fraud- people can tell and no matter how great of an actress you become you will never fool 100% of the people 100% of the time.
don't put God in a box- allow Him to stretch to move to show you His limits in the fact that He is limitless. let each day be one more day that you grow not always in God but with God- the idea that as you get bigger so does He, or at least the box you put Him in grows. trusting the Lord with the every day as well as the extraordinary. the large and the small- the life threatening illnesses and each sneeze, maybe it's not this all important nuclear device problem that you have to deal with but that doesn't mean that you can't cast your cares and worries upon God. while by the same token you need to be careful not to focus on simply the mistakes, the problems, the issues you're working through. be thankful, thank God for your gifts and use them, listen too. expect Him to speak to you- it can be a two way conversation just as well as it can be a one sided monologue...let His voice be heard in your head. the more you listen for it the easier it will be to hear it.

be a steward of the gift not a passive observer- changedfish