ugh! some times i disgust myself!

but for those times when i don't....ya
anyhow, don't worry about it, i'm just a dorko, doing things i shouldn't, and doing things i should, and trying to figure out the thin line between the two!

welp, summer so far has been SOO great! i mean, i've been really busy but it's been a LOT of fun! i've been hanging out a lot with my friends from youth group and having some heart2hearts! (the best!) lol
this next week i'm headed to proberta, (i think that's how u spell it) california.
i'm going there w/my high school group from church to sort of revive a church that has been shut down for years! i think it'll be soo much fun, we're setting up a vacation bible school for the kids and cleaning things up around the church, painting and such. i can't wait! wish me luck and email me while i'm gone! i plan on making big get-together plans for the 4th of july so if anyone has any lol let me know, otherwise u CAN see them from my yard so...we'll see! my email happens to be rubbadubdub16@hotmail.com so if u wanna drop me a line that'd be great! and it's only 34 days 'till sweet sixteen!!!!
changedfish it up!!!

want vs. do
desire vs. action

ever wonder why its so much harder to do something than to think about doing it?
i mean, your just sitting there, nothing else to do, and u know wut u should do, and you want to do it...but you don't....Y NOT??

i went to waterski camp this weekend...ironic really, because we don't waterski, mainly we wakeboard, innertube, sunbathe, and just generally be on the water...but that's not even half of the fun because there are so many awesome people there that u can't help but be engulfed in some amazing conversation with someone you love! (and i'm not talking romance, i'm talking deep love that you don't find many places) and if ur not talking to someone great you're getting fed God's word down the throat by pat, and he's just great too! i mean, i can't think of very many places i'd rather be...ur sleeping on the ground, so sore you can barely walk, dirty all day and nite....SO MUCH FUN! lol
the only thing was i kept thinking about how poor my faith has been lately...it seems i keep spiraling downwards more and more...it's not that i'm doing anything horrible it's just i haven't been diving into the word much and it's like, eventually you start to loose touch and u realize ur trying to find ur own answers and ur not looking to God to help you out...THATS where i go wrong, i'm totally selfish, i'm always looking for the answers w/in myself instead of asking God, and seriously, it's been months since i just sat down and read....that makes me so mad, and yet, i'll sit here on this computer for hours, not getting up and just doing it...i could so easily, it's right there...
but i figure, there's always time to start...and rite now, i did...
the Lord worx in misterious ways he does, it's like the second you go to find something, he shows it to you, right there, clear as day, exactly what you needed...thank you God!! changedfish

i'm pleading the fifth, February 5th that is, read it if u'd like--changedfish

tell me i'm wrong
tell me it wasn't there, tell me i didn't see it, tell me it's not urs, tell me it's old, that u don't use it, tell me that there, hidden in that drawer is a closed piece of history that means nothing and u just forgot to throw away.
i went innocently looking for wax, cuz the ortho thot it'd be funny to wire me up. and i checked ur room, yea, i no, privacy, but i was looking for wax! and i checked ur drawer, i no, wait till u get home, then check it, but i didn't want to wait up, it was already late. it used to hold markers, it used to be fine, it used to have books and magazines in there, now all i see is this big plastic bottle, and i kick myself for hoping that momma was right wen she said that pill box by the computer was the grandparents, i know there are things that i don't know about and i'm glad that u shelter me from many things, but this, this pissed me off, cuz i thot we were done with that crap!
so tell me i'm wrong, tell me it's not as it seems, tell me i'm blind and i didn't see it that it's not urs, that it's old and forgotten, tell me that drawer is full of things u don't need, but tell me the truth, cuz that's what i want from you, not a cover up, not a lie, cuz that isn't right, i'm ur favorite sister and i'm all that u've got, so don't lie to me....just tell me i'm wrong..changedfish

Postal Service (getting into this band)
Last week i had the strangest dream
Where everything was exactly how it seemed
Where there never any mystery on who shot john f kennedy
It was just a man with something to prove
Slightly bored and severely confused
He steadied his rifle with his target in the center
And became famous on that day in november

Dont wake me i plan on sleeping...

And then last night i had that strange dream
Where everything was exactly how it seemed
Where concerns about the world getting warmer
The people thought they were just being rewarded
For treating others as they like to be treated
For obeying stop signs and curing diseases

changedfish
For mailing letters with the address of the sender
Now we can swim any day in november

Dont wake me i plan on sleeping...
(now we can swim any day in november)

man, i knew the world wasn't a fair place, but man, sometimes it can be annoying! as u may notice the timestamp says its like 2 in the morning...y am i not sleeping? because people think it's funny to try and talk about important subjects randomly at late hours and then say things like "brb don't leave i want to continue this" my goodness, dear God i want to go to bed! lol i no it's kind of inconsiderate to be mad that people want to talk but...i'm cranky and he can not expect me to be happy-go-lucky about talking too long this late at nite about things i actually have to think about...sorry to vent all the time but life needs to be vented! grrr! i'm sooo tired, and the shade is making noises, and i'm running outta juice! lol ugh...changedfish

don't u sometimes wish you possessed a skill? well, i don't mean a trained skill like a job u went to school for...but more of an ability.
i'm not saying i don't have any abilities, but i think i'd like ones that are actually good ones, not like being able to talk for long periods of time about absolutely nothing, or how to stay online and occupy urself for hours, i mean like singing, or being able to write poetry...or dancing, or painting, i mean, i'm not saying u have to be an artist in order to be skilled but..well wouldn't it be nice to be naturally good at something?
theory:maybe wut i'm good at i just haven't tried or done yet. i'm figuring i've just gotta be good at something, and maybe i'm just trying the wrong thing, i mean sports=no, dancing=no, art=hell no...but maybe i'm good at something else (and if u say being loud, u die)
wutev-the constant ramblings of an unfullfilled life-changedfish

i don't know wut to say to u all today (hey, i'm rhyming--that can't be a good sign) but seriously...first day of summer, came and went, it was fun, don't think i didn't wait in line w/my pals to see the very first showing of harry potter *cuz i did* i spent some time outside working on my "base tan" just to kick off my summer took a nap...babysat lol, it was a great day..and now i'm just sitting here replaying it thinking about some stuff i thot i'd share (as usual, i have way too much to say)
ok, well, u no how when u don't know someone that well, or at least not as well as some of the people ur with, and u really want to impress them, just cuz u feel they r higher on the totem pole. ever notice that u over-apologize WAY more for ur natural quirks? ok, well i no a lot of the time it IS just me, but i'm telling u on this one there's just gotta be more than just me that thinks about this stuff. i've been known to over-apologize for most things, mainly cuz i'm trying so desperately not to offend anyone, i try so hard to get people to enjoy being around me that i often go over-board, i mean it's like that annoying senario when some guy just flinches horribly like u were just about to hit him because he cracked a joke. that's wut i do, only instead of physically cowering, i start talking, and i start apologizing profusely like i've definately offended someone, or like they're completely disgusted and boy am i in trouble. i dunno if this makes any sense, whatev i write always seems so crystal clear in my head and then on screen it seems so....blah..i'm told i explain pretty thourally but i'm not so sure..wutev, changedfish