ah camp- gotta love it.
i'm so glad i decided to go up to camp again this summer...i was really nervous about it, like in february i had pretty much made up my mind i wasn't going to do it and all and even up until right last week before i left i was having second thoughts and freaking out, second guessing whether i even wanted to go away to college in the fall because i wasn't going to have any time to prepare myself and was i really ready and all. but when i was up there it was just like, now i know why i'm here. it just clicks up there. i know that's where God wants me and i know that my reasons for not wanting to be up there all summer were selfish and unprecidented..basically just me being a scardy cat.
like as much as this jams up my summer and leaves me about 2 hours every third saturday to breath i know that if i wasn't up there i would be home being bored working some crappy summer job that i hated and just freaking out more. heck i'd prolly end up not wanting to leave and staying at shasta another year- which still would be a great choice, either way is fine, but i just know that i need to go.
life's full of tough decisions and right now i think i'm pretty much at the brink of all of them. should i stay or should i go, and who should i take with me, physically and in my heart. what am i doing, and how hypocritical am i? what are the right words and what are the right actions and how do you tell wrong from right?
pretty much i'm nervous, but pretty much i know i'll be ok...i've heard a lot of the pro's and con's and now i just have to take that leap of faith. buy some warm clothes and realize that no matter what i do with my life it's really going to be ok, cuz somehow the Big Man has blessed me beyond anything i deserve or could even concieve and now it's my turn to spin around and thank him for it.

only thing to do is jump over the moon-changedfish

thank you i'm feeling much better now.
and this is what i mean, when you find that the awkward moments become ok again. it's a mindset really. you have to realize they happen to others too and that when you do silly things it's going to be ok. people can learn to understand.

so happy to have found a someone. so happy to be ok. so happy to not worry. so happy to be so happy-changedfish

gosh i'm so dumb...like honestly there have GOT to be other people in this world that are as clumsy and awkward as me..there just has to be. but no where that i can find. like seriously every time i think i may be getting over it, that i'm a lot more comfortable with myself so i probably won't do something dumb because i'm not as self conscious- i'm proven wrong...and it's little things, i know it's not like i spilled red punch down my yellow shirt it's more like i stepped on a persons foot but seriously why? why do odd things always have to happen to me, and not only like one thing, like several things in one sitting....i'm just getting sick of being made fun of, tripping, spilling, knocking people over, losing my balance, burning things or myself, cooking things wrong, losing things, leaving things, not understanding/getting things/jokes....i try, i really do, i attempt not to be such an idiot sometimes but i can't help it, i just...i guess i'm not meant to be a smooth sailing kind of person, but i don't see how this is an endearing quality, it's not cute things that i do, it's like annoying, or dumb, or just plain uncoordinated.
and i know it doesn't matter in the scheme of life or whatever and people don't really notice it as much as i think they do and blah blah blah, but the people that are giving me the "it's not so bad" advice...DON"T HAVE THIS PROBLEM!
i don't know, it usually doesn't bother me that much, and i know i shouldn't let it get to me because it's unpreventable in most cases, it's just....i guess to be honest it does bother me...i think it's probably the one thing in life that bothers me the absolute most
changedfish- wet paint

so maybe in my quest for the ultra-comfort, i found it...in my awkwardness
changedfish- perhaps it's silent because it's awkard not awkward because it's silent