Lord you are good and your mercy endureth forever

i don't even know what to think. went to bible study tonight, cuz it's wednesday and i love my bible study, and like chris talked about a few things but what really stuck out to me was when he talked about breaking out of your bubble, and how cedarville seems to support the bubble you know. and it's like ok i agree with him in the sense that he put it but at the same time i feel like what God's been teaching me this week is about that bubble, and what it means to me, and whether or not that's a bad thing.
i'm so confused on the matter right now, i haven't really thought/prayed it out yet, it's in the beginning stages but it's like, this week i was accused of being a cedarville girl, of living that bubble life and my first reaction was total defense, basically i was just like, dude no that's not me, i'm not an ultra-conservative home schooled freak you know, like i was offended that someone would think that i was legalistic and naive you know because to me that's what the quote/unquote cedarville bubble is all about, about people who were born in a bubble went to school in a bubble and now moved away from home to be in the same kind of bubble you know. people who don't realize that they're in a bubble in the first place, that think that the most heinous of crimes are like drinking and having sex you know. people so appauled by things that i used to see in high school every day and think almost nothing of. and i think about being classified that way and it bugs me, it makes me so annoyed that someone would think i was that innocent right, and then i was thinking about it and i was just like why, why does that bug me. what you dont' want to be more innocent? you dont' want fewer regrets? you don't want less temptation, or at least in a sense because some things are so far out of their thinking that they're not a temptation. and like ok, i'm not like that, i can think back to a time when i was a lot like that, i can basically follow my life through and see where all of my innocence was stripped away, where i learned bad words, when i learned raunchy jokes, the times when i was pressured into doing things and going places i shouldn't have, the people i broke the rules with you know...it's like a story book and i can just watch it unfold in front of me right, but then at the same time i'm trying to prove to people that i'm scarred? that i've done bad things? that i'm worldy and over exposed to the horrors of this world. like what am i trying to tell people. i was sitting there trying to prove how corrupt i am, how i just sit by and watch people do things and i don't say anything, how things don't really bother me, even if they're wrong you know, that i'm so desensitized that what would be jaw dropping to another doesn't even phase me. like what is that? like what kind of argument am i making?
and yes i do feel that it's not about the rules in life it's about motives and living for God in whatever way He has mapped out for you. i mean having a glass of wine with dinner i say go for it, drinking a bottle of vodka not so much and it's the same for other rules, some people struggle with things that dont' cause others to stumble, so for some to do it is ok and for others it really isn't. and i know that goes to the whole postmodern, there are many truths thing, but i'm not saying that, i still believe that there is ultimate truth, but that doesn't mean that all rules apply equally to all. i know that goes against what you learned in grade school because rules have to be made for all people. but i mean for me some laws i don't even think about because it's not something i'm going to do but other laws really effect me. i dunno this is jumbled but it's just like i don't want to be a typical cedarville bubble girl, no i don't, but what kind of bubble do i want you know, i mean everyone has a bubble, and when chris says to bust out of my bubble i want to say, yes but what bubble do you mean? do you mean the generic one size fits all bubble or my personalized bubble. like that sounds lame but i feel like i came to cedarville BECAUSE of that bubble, i came here because i've been outside the bubble far too long, i've been in the real world for a long time, i've been persecuted for my faith and i've given into that just as much as i've defended against it but i came here hoping for a respite, i came here thinking that for these 3 years for this short time in my life i could be fed, that i could build up my resistance, that i could get my training and then go back out there ready to give it my all. and it's not like i'm taking a full on vacation from it, i mean i still do love ministries i'm involved in and of course there's always the times when i go home or whatever, but i just can't see how my thinking is wrong in this. i know it's selfish but i feel like i wouldn't be a good representation of the faith right now, i'm working on it, but i don't have the knowledge the training the foundation that i feel i should have, and wouldn't it be nice if i could work on that without having to constantly go into battle at the same time, i mean it's really hard to heal when the wounds keep getting ripped open again in the morning. i think it's fair, but maybe i'm wrong, maybe i'm just making excuses so i can live an easy life...i don't know, honeslty i don't know what the answers are, it just got me thinking today because i felt like what God was showing me today is that living in my bubble isn't bad, that it's a good thing to shelter yourself from the world, that i shouldn't get so defensive and try to prove myself to people that don't matter, not that don't matter but people who's expectations of greatness don't match up to mine. like if i want to enjoy my lame little activities that's ok, and if i want to not participate in things i don't think are ok then i need to not try and convince others that i'm someone that i'm not you know. like yes i am a lot more liberal than most of cedarville, yes i do have differing views on somethings that i choose not to exclaim on top of a mountain becasue i know they're not accepted here but that doesn't mean that i should admit to being some kind of heathen to impress people. like yes i am not who people think i am a lot of the time but that's neither here nor there, just because people's expectations of me are different than what i know to true doesn't really mean i need to be someone else, it really means i need to be more of myself. if they don't see that then whatever, i don't know....i can't even finish this, i dont' know what to think so blah, i'm done
please God give me sunny days- changedfish

amazing love i can't believe i've found you
amazing love i can't believe you're here...
and maybe someday you will see me the way i see you, inside

it occured to me recently, what with conversations i've had, and cedarmania dealing with the identity/myspace issue, that we don't live our profiles.
in the age of myspace, blogspot, xanga, facebook, yearbook, and countless other profile oriented websites we tend to identify ourselves with our "about me" statements, but are we really the way we say we are? i mean i was reading my profiles today and i'm just like, ok yes a lot of that is true but a lot of it is not, or rather it's not that it's not true, it's just not the whole truth, it's not an accurate representation.
can we really represent ourselves entirely with some type on a website though? i mean without actually meeting a person and being around them day in and day out how can you really know a person- heck even then are you really knowing them or just observing what they're putting out. i mean each person is so entirely dynamic you know, each person has so many layers and levels, no one can be wholly identified by a few choice phrases can they? i mean if you read what i'm like on my website and you know me then you'll understand what all of my descriptions mean, you will say yes melanie does burst into camp songs, yes she does like people, but if you didn't know me what would you think? you'd probably not understand why i say that i love people, or why do i love old people, etc. i mean those are only minor examples that don't really have to do with anything but i think that my major issue is when someone's profile is saturated in "I love Jesus" and yet i don't think their life reflects it, or vice versa, which is just as confusing, when i know someone who i feel is so spiritual and then they have a profile that is totally uncharacteristic of a Christian. it's so hard to know which is the real person, which front is for which kind of people and where do i find that persons true self among all of the apparent lies. and the same goes for me, am i living what my profile says i am? am i living something that i don't admit to when describing who i am?
i don't know, i don't know these answers, i just have these questions. it's so hard to write your entire life into one general statment. it's like a church having a missions statement, you have to condense the beliefs of an entire church into a paragraph or so. it's almost not fair for anyone to judge a church on their missions statement because while yes if something isn't doctrinally sound you shouldn't get comfy, but if nothing is shockingly out of order it's really about the people there, the messages, the feel of it- attending one week does not get you to know that church, the same as an hour of talking to a person doesn't mean you know them entirely.

changedfish- hmm

You can't have your cake and eat it too...

so i was reading through a friends facebook today and he has this blip on how he's single and never been kissed (and of course he added a plug that if a girl were to play her cards right she could be his first haha but that's besides the point i'm going to make)
and it got me thinking about purity. purity is such a fluid concept these days. well actually they don't even teach purity these days, they teach abstinence. even in a church setting they tell kids to wait until they are married to have sex but rarely give much time to telling kids not to give the rest away too quickly. and honestly sometimes kids start off so early that by the time they're married it's like, ok this isn't a huge deal, just one more thing to add to my list you know.
i've decided it's like a cake (no really, hear me out) let's just say that all girls are given a cake when they are born (in a tupperware i suppose so it never goes bad) anyhow this cake isn't for them, it's for their husband right. but they still take it with them all of their lives. and rather than the people around them telling them to keep the entire cake for their husbands they're instructed mearly that he likes cake and would like to have some when they are married. but she also hears from those around her that all boys like cake. and so she decides that as she goes about life she will give out pieces of her cake to different boys along the way. she makes sure to keep one piece for her husband of course but since she is only obligated to keep that one piece she feels no guilt passing out bigger and bigger pieces to more and more guys as she grows up. by the time she gets married her husband may still have that significant piece of cake, and i'm sure that he appreciates the fact that she did in fact save him a piece but how much better would it be if he had the whole cake?
it's a weird analogy but i think it works, i mean how would you feel if your husband gave you a flower pedal instead of a dozen roses? you'd be a bit disappointed wouldn't you? i mean sure you'd be glad that he saved you something, thought of you for the long run, but i mean if all he has is that one puny pedal you're going to wonder why he felt it was so important to give all the other flowers away before he met you.
i dunno, i know that it's better than nothing but i wish that someone (or a lot of someones) would have impressed upon me the importance of purity at a much younger age. told me in a way that would've made me understand and listen.
i've given some of my cake to the rain, more to the moon, i don't trust myself anymore, so i'm giving the rest to the shepard- he guards the sheep, why not my cake?

changedfish- just a sliver

SNOW DAY...er ice day rather.

so pretty much today it was so icy on the roads that they closed the entire university and already declared a 2 hour delay for tomorrow with possible cancellation for yet another day (which would be SICK) not that i love getting out of school i guess, but now that i'm at college it's not like i'm stuck at home- ok i did a lot of that but whatever, my choice- it's like all my friends are within walking distance and we dont have class...
and it wasn't all that great of a day, my roommate had a frustrating morning, which in turn bugs me because i love her so and then dinner was all over the place, we usually all eat together but whatever, and now i'm trying to do some homework in case we actually have classes i have to go to tomorrow. but i dunno it's just good, it's good to have time to sleep in until 12 and watch 2 movies in one day, to just kind of relax knowing that at least for today, nothing is expected of me, let tomorrow worry about tomorrow, well today it was easy to do that.
and now i'm just sitting here in a far too apathetic mood trying to avoid doing any sort of work because it's been so nice not to have to... but in knowing that's not the best attitude i'm at least looking at my homework as if it's something i intend on completing...ugh
thoughts, splattered across the walls of my head...dunno what to say, so i'm not going to...maybe later...
changedfish

so why'd you sing hallelujah if it means nothin to ya...

this week was a black hole. i feel like the life was basically sucked out of me and i don't even want to look at my homework right now.
i don't know where all the time went, i mean i didn't even take any naps, that's not like me.
it's just--life is so messed up right now and there's no explanation.
i want to hang out with other people- is that so bad? is there something fundamentally wrong with wanting to spread my wings and fly, with wanting to experience a life other than the one i lead each day.
i know that this semester has been tough on everyone, i know that everyone just wants it to go back to the way it was before break- but it's not last semester anymore ok...progress people.
i don't want to feel like i have to apologize for going out with friends, but then i look back and i think how these people were the only people that took me in, that loved me- no questions asked, and still do. these friends of mine are more like family to me than my family this year and now i'm just going to up and find new friends- you don't just find new family.
is it just the allure of newness, of excitment? i don't know, i mean is it just me trying to recreate my bubble so that i'll feel more comfortable?
i don't know. i just, i have a fear of getting to close to people and yet the farther i push myself the more i wish i had pulled closer. i don't want to let people in but sometimes i just want to cuddle with a person that knows me better than my own skin.
i was basically content all year not dating, not even attempting, i did well to explain to others and to myself all of the reasons and i still feel strongly about all of that, and it's not like there is a person that i see myself with but i think it's just a side effect of loneliness.
why is it that we always go for closeness in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender? why can't i just look to my girls like i have done for so long? i don't know. i don't understand what it is about that kind of situation that we crave stronger than coffee on an early morning.
i know that it's how God created us, i know that we are incomplete alone but until it's time for us to become one with another why can't we just be content, why do we always have to have that longing in the back of our minds pushing us into awkward and unhealthy situations, why do we always have this unquenchable thirst for what we don't have- and when we get it, we know that we're not completely happy, and then we just assume that what others have is different, better....maybe it's not...why can't i always be content?
i was reading a myspace blog of a friend and in two of his blogs (and he only had like 5) he wrote about living each day for today, living life to the fullest, no regrets, no looking toward the answers of the future but just chilling in today- and it makes so much sense for like..a millasecond and then you go, wait a second, what about my future, what about next week, what about tomorrow, what about, what about....and it's just...it's so hard.
i feel like i'm constantly waiting for the next plateau, the next chunk of life and i'm missing the current chunk- and i felt like last semester i was living each day and then somehow time caught up with me and now it's all about getting this part done with so i can experience the next section....i don't want the next section to come- i'm still working on this one...

so much for apathy-changedfish