i was reading this entry from my private blog ( i don't know if i've ever mentioned it but..i have another blog that's not this one) nehow...i was reading old blogs because it's fun for me, as lame as that sounds, and i came across this one that i really liked...i know that's weird because if u read it u'll be like huh? she's really upset in this one...but everything from then is resolved so don't think that, i just felt that i should maybe bring some of the posts from that blog into this one, rather than hiding behind that curtain, plus i just really liked this entry for some reason.....so read if u'd like...or don't wutev... (by the way it's really long....but if u start it and hate it then u don't have to continue)
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
want to scream, yell, cry
emotions, emotions, emotions something i wished i possesed, well not that i don't have them, but rather something i wish i could show freely. u see i have issues, i can't cry, i can't scream, i can't just let loose, i have to hold things inside, i sometimes think that's why all my writing is so passionate, because i don't actually have to let loose i can just type it all and get it out..because today i was thinking, too much i was thinking about him...this silly boy who's not worth my time, this silly boy who obviously does not want to be my special friend, this silly boy who's taken a part of me that i can never get back, this silly boy who has not called me. and i just want to yell at him, get in his face and tell him he had no right to do what he did and that i trusted him, he had no right to my trust, i freely gave it and he took advantage, i give everyone a chance in my book, i meet u and i have no prereservations it's just u and me, and i feel that everyone is good and not going to harm me, but he is a completely different person to me now, i used to think of him as someone who would never hurt me, ever...and now i'm at a loss for words.
i want him to feel guitly i want him to hate himself inside i want him to fall on his knees and say how he was wrong and how he's sorry and how he just didn't know, but if he did then i would forgive him and i'm not ready for that yet he knew, i TOLD HIM that i'd only kissed one boy, i told him how it was a big deal to my friends and i and i told him that i didn't just kiss any boy, i told him i'd only been on one date, i told him i had little experience and that usually it was a long time before i did anything, he said o sure no problem, let's go on a date, i thot great i let my guard down i thot he was a saftey i figured since everyone had said he was a great guy that it was safe...it wasn't safe
i want to scream i want to yell i want to cry, i'm such a mess, i want him to know, i really do, how this has effected my view of him, of guys , of me and dating, i want him to realize that this wasn't just a night for me, that it was important, that i allowed him to make me feel a certain way that i hadn't felt much before, that i expected things from him that weren't too much to ask, that i tried desperately to be mature and hold my tongue and wait for him to prove himself so i could tell my friends that he wasn't the jerk he seemed, i want him to know that he's lost my trust, i want him to try to earn it back, i want him to apologize, i want all these things and yet i dont' have the decency to pick myself off the ground and realize that even if he doesn't know them at least i know for next time, i don't have the self confidence and esteem to know that this is his fault tho i can write it and i can say it and i can know it but inside i feel like it's my fault, like if i was just a bit prettier he woulda called, if i was just that much funnier, he'd want to be with me, like if i had just been a bit better and a bit smarter and a bit more of everything that he would want to impress me and he'd've stuck around long enuf to learn that i'm a great person. but no, he didn't, obviously i wasn't worth his time, he has a zillion other girls that he can be with, he has other girls that he can take out and hug and kiss and say nice things too he has other friends and other girlfriends and other people besides me and i'm left in the cold because i don't have another someone, it's just me, it's just me and my friends and that used to be fine until i started thinking about what life would be life if i wasn't alone, if it wasn't just me and my friends if there was a special someone to be with me and think the world of me and treasure me. that's why i feel such loss, because i had imagined what it would be like to not have to ask stefanie to the sadie hawkins, because i'd thot about what it would be like to have a boyfriend that really liked me, because i thot about what it could be like to actually fall in love with someone. and now that all of a sudden i've had to take those and trash them, now i want him to hurt, i really do, deep down i know i need to forgive him, and really i have, i know that this is probably what he does with a lotta girls and that it wasn't just some plot against me to make me feel horrible, but i also don't think he realizes that this was something big to me, i never told him or anyone that would've told him that i think he's a piece'a poo. that people don't do things like this to me and get away with it, i have friends that support me, and that if i wanted them to would take him out! lol...and i know that sounds cocky and stupid but seriously i've got a support system like he's never seen and if i wanted to spread crap about him i feel i'd win the battle, but i'm not going to...
i was actually thinking about that at youth group today, about how if i wanted to cry there's not a person i know that wouldn't give me their shoulder to do so on..i mean really i can't picture very many people that i'm friends with that would not stop what they were doing and take time to help me if i were to break down and cry....mainly becuase i don't do so very often, talk about never actually, i mean it's been years, feels like a lifetime ago...i think i've pinpointed it to the general time frame of 8th grade sometime maybe that summer before frosh year, but it hasn't even been since high school. so if i were do have something tramatic enuf happen for me to cry, i know that i would have a massive support group, i would have a shoulder or 7 to cry on and i would have people that made sure it never happened again, and that's way comforting i mean really, how many people have great friends like that? and then i was thinking about how i hope that i'm that type of person, like i hope peolel feel like they could come to me for anything and everything and cry on my shoulder. and i think that i'm like that, but then again i don't know...
i dunno it was quite the day/week etc.....i'm still thinking maybe i'm wrong about him and maybe he's just been really busy but COME ON MEL yea right, u straight up told him (more than once) that u had fun and wanted to hang out with him again and he didn't even freaking take u up on it, so just let it go, just put it down and back away because ur only going to hurt and it's not funny to let that happen...listen to the support group that says ur amazing, listen to the friends that say ur better than this and ur pretty and ur smart and ur funny and great to be with listen to that voice inside u that's telling u it's not worth ur tears, that if he's the thing that breaks u down it will crush u...just know that, don't give him the control..don't let ur heart jump into ur throat when u hear the phone ring or see his s/n online, just don't do it, don't do it...don't do it!
changedfish-happier than then
