you know when i find myself most attractive? it's not when i'm in some fancy dress w/makeup and pearls, no. it's when i'm in sweatpants and a sweatshirt- no makeup- hair up on my head poofing like a peacock, just woke up from a good nights sleep and i have that rosy look to my cheeks and i'm about to go take a shower. it's then when i glance at myself in the mirror and think that i am beautiful, and with that thought i know that some day some man is going to look at me in my most disheveled state and he's going to think that i am the most beautiful woman ever to walk this here earth. for now, i enjoy feeling beautiful. i'm practicing. because like dannah gresh said tonight i don't need him to create my beauty i need to just let him admire it.

we talked about gifts tonight at the bible study i go to (well we talked about a lot else, i'll prolly get into that later but for now, gifts) and i'm slowly realizing that figts are often the things that i enjoy most- not always things i do well. i mean for instance acts of service is one of my main love languages, things i love to do are work days and serving others in many ways and i guess i never really thought of that as a "gift" so much as just something i liked. but i'm beginning to see that the reason i like those things the reason that cleaning gutters can make my entire day so much grander is because God has given me a gift, the gift to serve others- especually when it comes to the physical, like i like to clean, serve food, clear brush or rake leaves, whatever it is that needs doing- i like to work for other people, to serve them in that capacity and it never really struck me that people don't like doing those things- i kind of figured that those who claim not to like work days just hadn't really done any...turns out i'm wrong, as is the trend : )

also something that seems to come up lately that is kind of on the same thread is taking joy in good deeds and kind of the difference between finding joy in those deeds and pride. i feel like every time that i feel like iv'e done something good- that i've been like good job mel you just did a good deed that i'm being totally selfish- and i mean ok if i have that attitude about it then i am being selfish but that doesn't mean that every good deed is slefish, i mean there must be a such thing as a selfless good deed right? well i've found recently that it's not so much as the selfish vs the selfless but rather what is your motive for doing that thing, i mean if you're just doing that to look good and then you find your joy in what you looked like while doing it, found your joy in being about to say that you've done something admirable then that's not good, then that's totally selfish and such, but if you do the deed for the glory of God, if you're doing it and you're happy to be doing it, not because it makes you look good but because you take joy in doing whatever it is that you're doing whether it be serving others or playing a sport or studying, if you're taking joy in that then it IS for God. becca brought up a good john piper quote "God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him" that doesn't just mean that when you're right on track w/your relationship with God, He's proud of you, but it also means that if you're loving what you're doing if you're having that deep joy from what you're doing then God is rejoicing too because you are being satisfied in Him. i think that's something that's hard for me to kind of digest. i was explaining to those in my small group that i KNOW it, like i understand the concept and i can hear it and think that yes that's right, that those people are right in saying those things but somewhere along that same line somehow when i think about it i still have a hard time feeling like whatever it is that i'm doing isn't selfish. i mean i know that being a christian i don't NEED to have good works but rather that those are a reflection of my attitude, my life change and all that but i mean somehow i still feel like it's selfish- not that i enjoy those things, i think that's glorifying to God, but rtather it's the attitude of feeling like i did a good thing- is that wrong? it doesn't usually feel wrong but somehow i just can't get past this feeling like it's totally egocentric of me. maybe i'm reading too much into it- i mean maybe i should just accept that God delights in good deeds and in my joy of them...i don't konw, i think i'm starting to grasp the concept, with each mention of it comes deep thought on the subject and that of course causes me to make some kind of decisions about what my beliefs in that area are...we'll see

changedfish- i loved you no make up grey sweatpants, so perfect

"You should be so in love with God, that any guy who wants to be with you has to find that kind of love with Him, to find love with you"
Sarah Peak

ok, i don't even KNOW sarah peak, but dang girl have you got it right on the button. now, i'm not saying i am that person yet, i wish, but it for sure is something to strive for. i mean how can i be with a man that doesn't love God as much, or more, than i do? is that not the best way to get to my heart, the purest way? i dare say it is....so gentlmen- love Jesus yo!

changedfish- scream my lungs out and try to get to you

i think i love people too much, in the wrong ways.

people i don't know very well i love in a very complimentary (words of affrimation) way, giving them a lot of attention (quality time) and after the first few times often greet them with hugs and pats on the back(physical touch). but then people i know a lot better, close friends of mine, i still compliment, just not as much, it's not quite the shower, and i generally give them more quantity of time rather than quality often times. the way i show love to those i'm closer to is usually by the things i do for them (acts of service) or little things/notes i give them (gifts) and often a lot of hugs and cuddles etc (once again physical touch). and it's more than that, i mean i feel like i at least attempt to cater to peoples "love languages" or whatever, but i feel like i don't show my good qualities to those i don't know well and i don't know why. i mean i think i scare people off with being TOO friendly in the wrong ways. people don't think i'm being genuine, and i guess in a sense i'm not. i mean i really do generally get excited to see that person, and i really do love them, honest, i don't just say that word because i want them to think i'm nice, i say it because i love people, i really love them, and when i tell them that they make me happy it's totally sincere- they DO make me happy, so many people make me just so joyful even to see them walking down the sidewalk so in that sense it's totally genuine and sincere and not a ficade at all- that's not what is fake about my surface friendships, what's essentially fake about it is that that's not how i treat my close friends. well, not exactly. ok, see when i see my close friends i still get giddy and i hug them and talk excitedly and all of that, just the same as if it were someone from one of my classes that is more a friendly aquaintance than a close friend, but at the same time it's different because with those who are closest to me i can be myself, if i'm upset or tired or just not in the mood to be super happy that's ok with them. like i know that it would be fine with my newer friends too but somehow i just can't do that with them, i can't often have super serious conversations about things that matter to me or just be chill and calm- and i don't know WHY! that's why people think of me as different than i am because i act differently than i am- duh! jess and i talked about that the other day- it's just a different form of shyness- a less explored form. people think that i'm not self-conscious that i'm not shy, that i'm not nervous because i act friendly and that's not entirely true- that's just the whole point of the front you know.
also i feel like i build people up in my head so high that not only do i crash really hard when they let me down but also i put them up so high that i don't feel like i'm on their level, and therefore i tend not to believe their kind words or compliments. i tell people over and over how amazing they are and i truly believe that they are, i feel that my friends, my aquantainces are such special amazing people that i can't even begin to measure up- and that's in a sense a good thing. it's a modest humble view of myself but at the same time it creates that feeling in me that i'm not good enough for any of them, that i will never be good enough for them and that they are only being kind adn complimentary to me out of obligation- in order to pay me back for my kind words.
i always wonder if people believe what i tell them. like i wonder if when i tell someone that they are beautiful, i wonder if they believe it. personally i hate that cheesy whooing bit, like that doesn't make me melt it makes me gag, and yet i do that. ok i half of the time do that and the rest of the time i give original genuine compliments. but if i give the same remark to more than one person does that mean that it's all of a sudden void? if i tell 10 people in one day that they make me happy is that wrong? they all DO make me happy, so why can i not tell them that just because i told someone else that? and yet it still seems to be less real if it's used on a large scale.
i know i shouldn't worry about what people think of me- i know that, but at the same time sometimes what they say about me is important you know. i don't want there to be this huge thing where everyone thinks that melanie is fake and ingenuine and just says nice things so people will like her and they all think that. because that's not my intention. i really don't say things that i don't believe are true- yes i say them in a sing-song tone sometimes, and yes i smile bigger than the ark when i see certain people, and no i dont' always have huge deep theological discussions with every person i meet, but does that make me shallow? does that make me superficial? does it put me in the catagory of happy peppy people that have no depth to them, that have no volume. just a 2-dimentional person with a happy face? becasue folks that's not what i'm about to be here on this planet. i refuse to be labeled that way- i can change if i have to. i know i have flaws,i know i can be too flirty, i know i can get too touchy, adn i know i'm too loud and energetic and some people don't like that..i know my flaws, you don't have to tell me my flaws, i'm well aware. what i don't already know is the public opinion of me (and i don't mean public opinion like government, i mean it like what is the popular opinion of the public)
i think through all this what i want is to be valued, for someone to love me as much as i love people, but in a sense that would ruin me. i do this to show my appreciation towards people and not in order to get their appreciation and so while i would love to have my ego grow 12 sizes i know that's not really want i need, it's not something that would be good for me. i don't need empty compliments from people who just feel the need to reciprocate and be flattering, i need quality compliments that i think people know they are giving, not just some random words they put together that they liked the sound of and decided to use on me...
changedfish- so much to say

If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the "NO"s on their "Vacancy" sings; if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I"ll follow you into the dark.

It's odd, the thing that bothered me the most about Cedarvill was the excess of romanit couples. THe reason that is odd is that the purity rules around here are through the roof in comparison to my public school's. No kissing, no long embraces, etc. however, that doesn't stop couples from getting serious just as quickly, maybe even more so here. I think because at my high school youth group there weren't really any couples I just don't place Christians into my picture of the dating world.
What does that say about my choices for the future? I always felt guilty about relationships before. I'm sure I'd rather see Christian couples holding hands than I would secular non-couples making out on every corner, but somehow when i see a non-Christian couple I subconsciously dismiss all judgment because they're not striving for the same things that I am. I'm sure it's going to be quite interesting when I begin to open myself to dating. It's like I have such high mental standards, but when it comes to practical application I just want to make people happy so I let them go.
Perhaps the more time I spend around functional couples the more faith in relationships I'll have. I keep thinking about whether or not I will date here, and the more time passes the less I want that- however I know myself well enough to know my tendencies. I know that I have spells of contentness in my single state and I know that those spells are often followed by a time of despiration. I also know, though, that my times of greatest joy and closeness to God are during my single spells.
It's almost as if I don't see romance as a Christian activity, when really it is very much a part of God's plan for man.
That saddens me. It always makes me sad when I see girls that have no trust when it comes to anything male. It's tragic to me when I see woman and girls with this resentful attitude about men. I know so many great guys, guys that would treat a lady like the princess she is. Guys that really just want a girl to talk to and hold and love- I know those kind of guys. So why do I have a perpetual mistrust when it comes to my own life?
I want to be able to let go of my past without replacing those experiences. I don't want to need a new, better, healthier relationship in order to restore my faith in men. Sure, that would be nice for the future- not gonna lie- but I don't want THAT to be the reason I'm ok again.

Hypothetically if you were point A and theoretically if I was point B, we would be, we would be frantically melting into one massive point that could overcome anything.

changedfish - this thing doesn't want to publish! grr

How will I know that I love you?

You will know you love me when you awake each day with thoughts of me
when each night you dread the thought of my absence.

You will know you love me when the thought of me in your future is constant
and the thought of your future without me is non-existent.

You will know you love me when my fatal flaws are no longer fatal
when my idiosyncracies make you smile

You will know you love me when my smile is your smile
and my tears are your tears

You will know you love me when you want to give me the world
but you know i'd never ask for it

You will know you love me when you're unsure which compulsion is stronger
wanting to hold me or wanting to wait

You will know you love me when "family" includes mine too
and my family extends to yours

You will know you love me when you love me
when you spend the rest of your life figuring out why you love me so much.

changedfish- i love you <--this--> much

i'm sorry oh so sorry
i'm sorry i have a big mouth, i'm sorry i don't always think first, i'm sorry i got you into a spot.

i don't mean to give too much information, i just do sometimes- and this time it was just that i figured he already knew you know- and essentially he knew but not the details and seriously i know this kind of thing bothers him. plus i don't want her to be upset- i love them both so much and i don't like conflict in general and then i go and cause it and it's just a bit mess...i feel icky inside.
and yea i know "you shouldn't feel bad" but just because it was my fault and cuz i should've thought about it, then it is. i don't like to cause pain or stress or whatever. i dunno...i'm sure it'll end up being fine i just- i dont' like to make mistakes : (

on another note:
it's sad that it took this to make you do what you've always wanted to do. that a baby has to go fatherless because of an irresponsible teen who just wants someone to love her. that it takes enlisting in the army to make your vices go away. that adoption is never considered by that young girl of 17. what will she do when her child is 17? does she know she'll be in her 30's? who wants to be a grandmother at 35? but will the cycle break? i can't understand how someone could act so selfless about something so selfish. making a sacrifice is what it sounds like, giving up your adolesence for the betterment of this child- well maybe the betterment of the child is to be in a two parent household with parents who love him and have waited so long to have a child. to be with parents who are not children themselves, to be with parents who are not on drugs, do not drink, are not going to be irresponsible. and no, no i can not guarentee that the adoptive family would be this amazing partridge family- of course i can't. but i can say that at least the couple would be adults who want a child, want a family and are willing to go to lengths to get one.
i don't know, i knwo it's not my child, i know it's not even someone i personally know, but i just can't stand to hear stories like this when it involves people i know....
changedfish- guess that's why i pray for him

She thinks I can't see the smile that shes faking
and poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect
Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed, I want you back again.

pretty much yea...weekends = no makeup, no doing hair, no dressing up for no one....and i like it that way.
changedfish-that's where the name came from right?

wow, i feel like i haven't written in years! i have so much to say and yet nothing at all so eh...

so i was talking to my dad on halloween and he was telling me about these new neighbors we have- they seem pretty cool, but i've never met them. but anyhow the guy used to be a lutheran pastor and you know you'd expect the guy to be all anti- halloween, it's satan's holiday etc. but no he loves it- you know why? because it's like the only day all year that people get out in their neighborhoods and socialize. i mean what's this world coming to if we have to bribe kids with candy just to get them to play outside? heck when i was a kid (which was like 3 years ago) the only excuse we needed was good weather. it was sunny- we were outside: we were swiming, having lemonade stands, riding bikes, building forts, playing pretend- it didn't matter we were doing it. my parents very rarely were like "go get some sunlight" now all you have is a bunch of electronic drones! honestly some kids are more addicted to their video games than herione addicts are to their next fix- give me a break. ok so let's say it's raining...go jump in some puddles for crying out loud! God gives us this stunning planet full of beauty and we lock ourselves in our houses and stare at a computer screen, it's ridiculous- and i'm not exempting myself (if that's the correct form of exempt) i spend WAY too much time on the computer, or watching movies and stuff. but honestly i love the outdoors, i spend time watching sunsets, jumping in puddles, doing homework at the park, playing at the park, taking walks at night, hiking and picnicing every sunday i mean for all the time i spend in my room i feel like at least i get out some! and it's by far colder here than it is in redding y'all. so what is it about halloween that is worth unplugging for? i dunno, is it the promise of candy? is it the fun of dressing up? is it just because everyone else is doing it? i may never know what the draw is, but for my new neighbor it's socializing. heck the man brought my parents cookies- trick or treat here's some cookies? that's hilarious! actually my cul-de-sac is relatively social, we participate in the yearly neighbors night thing and whenever we see eachother we wave and we buy all the kids fundraiser stuff and we're all very nice folks- but we're not front porch sitting types. in fact none of us even has a front porch- a back porch maybe, but not a front one. we just have garages and driveways and every so many houses a little patio, but it's hardly a place to sit and socialize with the neighbors. what's this world coming to?
even though i'm a 90's kid i'm so glad i grew up when i did. sure we had some technology, but we still knew what sunlight looked like all summer long- and i'm thankful for that.
changedfish- get out and give a neighbor a hug