i just read ALL of my past entries to this thing i call my "journal". and as i was reading them i was trying to see them from another perspective, as if i was one of u reading this.
it's strange to me, how much i've changed in such a short period of time, i mean between each entry it seems like i've changed, maybe it's not noticeable to all of u, but to me it's shockingly apparent!
like my first few entries, i tried not to write about anything significant, but then i got comfy w/this and now i can write about anything, and i used to try to write them all fancy, and essay-like, but now, i think it's better to write them "free-style"
those r just the changes in my writting style, not even the changes in my life, it seems like things have changed soooo drastically since that first entry, about wut's important, about wut i'm like on a daily basis, i mean im just a completely different person, and i caught myself thinking about how often people change, and u don't even notice it, and how some people say they want things to go back to the way they were, and they think things won't change, but things are always changing, it's a law of nature!
im glad i've changed, i think i'm maturing rapidly, i feel that i have more going for me, i don't update this just cuz im bored, i update it cuz i feel that someday i'd like for people to read these, bcuz i want a record(for me) about wut i was like, a week ago, a month ago, or a year ago
anyhow, i don't know where i'm going w/this, but if ur reading it, im hoping it's cuz u want to and bcuz u genuinly care, otherwise..wut's the point??
"there's a first time for everything" don't b in a hurry to rush thro them, they will happen on their own time, opportunities will knock (or type) and only wen they r available, r u truely ready for them, so like i say, don't rush things
changedfish

people r crazy! life is crazy! and ya no wut, i think i like it!
spontaneity is wut makes life fun. i mean would life b half as enjoyable if u knew exactly wut was gonna happen, all the time? nope, it wouldn't, i mean, where's the fun if u already know when everythings gonna happen? like wouldn't u then spend ur whole life trying to prevent the inevitable? i think i would, it'd b sooo stressful, always trying to figure out ways not to do wut u know ur going to do anyhow.
on a different side of that thot, knowing what was going to happen would change how hard u try at things, like if u knew wut grade u were gonna get, would u study harder to see if u would get a better grade? no, u probably wouldn't, u would stop attempting to "beat the system" and just accept everything at face value, and that's depressing, to say the least.
things would never b exciting, i mean if u knew wut people were going to say to u, knew wut people would do things wouldn't get as exciting, if u knew he was going to propose, would u really b brought to tears by his love poem? not likely
in conclusion i would like to say (man this sounds like a bad term paper!but neway) i would like to say to everyone "enjoy life's strange pleasures, enjoy those weird things that make u giggle, even those things that make u sad, just remember that life wouldn't b as much fun, if u knew those things ahead of time, cherish wisdom, and grab hold of innocence"
changedfish

hola amigos!!
hey if u ever want to add comments or questions feel free to email me @ rubbadubdub16@hotmail.com just but "changedblog" in the subject so i know wut it's about!!! aight, peace on earth and goodwill to men, changedfish

thanxgiving this year
WOW, it was just thanxgiving and all, the fam's still here, there's still turkey and pie, and yet this year it didn't really seem like much of a holiday. y? u may ask, was it different? well, i guess it hasn't been a true thanxgiving, bcuz it was here, at my house and that's just not where thanxgiving is supposed to b, it's supposed to b up at my aunt and uncle's cabin in Arnold, CA, my grandma joan and grandpa harry r supposed to b there, and Harry's supposed to spend time picking out these absolutely perfect presents to bring to the cabin just bcuz he feels like it. grandma joan would wear her turtle necks and her kitty sweatshirts and my cuzin's would be giggling and making fun of each other, my uncle taking 3 hrs to get THE perfect picture for their christmas cards, and my aunt buzzing in the kitchen, makeing little sarcastic remarks about everything, my parents always bug the heck out of me and my sister and we'll stay in a little "timberline lodge" about 5 mins. away from the cabin. my mom always buys a lite up house to give as a "hostess gift" to my aunt and uncle, and we would go to the little craft fair the day after thanxgiving.
that's how things were, that's how i thot they'd always b on thanxgiving, it was the plan, it was home and it was wonderful, w/ the "comfy chair" and the fire going, it was perfect.
this year was different alright, things have been different for a few yrs now, since my grandma joan got cancer, since she died and harry didn't come, no perfect gifts, that he thot out and planned so carefully, just for everyone, just like he knew they'd like it. since it was at my house, since there was no Arnold, CA, since there was no ace hardware store down the street and the little breakfast restaurant on the corner. since everyone's older, and nothing is the same, since my sister had to work and we ate at 1:00 in the afternoon. no, things werent the same this year, and never will be ever again, but were things bad, were things horrible? no, things were wonderful, and happy, and just as it should b!

Poem (slightly plagerized, but mixed up, so it's not really!)
I have nothing to give to you, the audience, except for I, myself. For, i'm just a girl in the world and i need ur sweet love to ease all the pain. Or am i still waiting for this world to stop hating, just stop in the name of love, cuz baby there ain't no mountain high enought, to show me the meaning of being lonely. I love u more than a fat kid loves cake but Mr. Reynolds said 'may the horse be w/u" i'll b ur crying shoulder, but i'll still pick my friends over u. Never thought i'd b the one who'd slip but in the end it doesn't even matter, so come give me a hug. I'm alone and the world is having more fun than me. Take my breath away for i searched the world for a poem i could write. u r my fire, my one desire and i've found that there's something women like about a pick up man but i wish they all could be california girls. and i wanna talk about me cuz i'm bad to the bone, can u help me find a way to carry on? see where i've been, i know what ur going through. i know ur name and i weep when u hurt and i cheer when u win.
i luv u all shine w/the stars forever, one luv, one God, one way: Peace out pallies!!

that was my farewell poem for drama 1 last year, but i really liked it, so i typed it out for all-a-yall hope u enjoy it (if u were wondering where u heard some-a that stuff, they're all song lyrics, cept the begining and the end.) anyhow, changedfish

man, it's been a while!! sorry, i've just been soooooo busy, w/semi-formal stuff, and school stuff and friends and just plain stressing out! but now im back, and trying to write, but i dunno y im even apologizing!! cuz of the 2 whole people who'll maybe even notice, they're not gonna care!! and i like to ramble, so if u don't like that, read a diff entry cuz i don't always (well, i kinda do!)
anyhow, AHHH!! im sooo stressed that i fall asleep before i even finish my prayers, and i have to get up early all the time, and im going nuts, i end up being weirder than usual and thats never good, cuz i'm pretty weird on a regular basis, w/o stress being a factor in this.! soo..how r all of u? ya, good, well i hope so......on a diff note (rambling reigns!) i REALLY wanna go to semi, and i think i had a chance at a guy, a normal one, actually asking me, but then somehow i screwed it up, and i don't even really know wut i did!!! but it doesn't matter, i'll just hafta go by myself, i don't even wanna go w/o a date, but i have to kinda cuz im helping out, and i have to clean up and stuff and it'd b weird if i didn't go, cuz im in asb, but it's boggling my mind!!! cuz i really wanna go, and i don't even know y, cuz i don't like dances, i think it's just the whole glamor factor, w/the pretty dress, and pictures, and a date, but since that's not going down i'll just b sad, and i no i'll prolly end up getting sick rite before, it and GRRR!! now i'm just being stupid and pessimistic!! and that's not me, at all so i'ma quit while i'm ahead, and anyone who reads this just know thats not really me, totally nehow
changedfish

goodness gracious, i luv to write!!! i mean everything makes sense on paper, or rather on computer screen. it seems this has been quite a blessing actually, i mean i dunno, i've never had the determination to actually pick up that whole journal thing!! but here, it's like i'm online anyhow, so y not? and people can read it, and understand me better, i don't have to explain myself, but yet, i feel like im not really talking to anyone!!!
some people ask u to describe urself, and u know how u just tense up and get clammy and u start w/a meek "uh...um...well...i guess...um.." ring a bell? thot so...but i figure w/this i can think about my answer, it's not a direct connetion, i can edit and delete etc, etc. so first of all, if u've even read one entry b4 u've prolly figured out that i luv music!!!! it's just my nature, i'm always around it, listening to it, like 24/7, i sleep w/it on, i wake w/it on, it's just the best thing God has for us, besides himself, that's y i luv church songs, i mean combining the two best things in life, wut could be better? uh...NOTHING!!! but on a different note, im also very lively, wen im not around music, im around people!! I LUV PEOPLE, its just my nature, i'm always around them, thinking about them conversing w/them etc. etc. etc. i mean geez, wut's better than listening to music w/friends, or going to uth group w/ur buddies? not much, that's for sure... i used to think i was missing out on something great, like there must b SOMETHING i was missing, sheilding myself this way. but then i realized it's not me, obviously! i mean, ya im missing some things, but nothing i need! i know wut i need and i know wut He wants for me, so y search unneccasarily? exactly! it's the same w/dating...i don't go around dating a buncha guys just for fun, im waiting, for a good one, a nice christian guy that's gonna like me, no matter how loud and "eccentric" i am, no matter how much i don't resemble a Barbie doll. for every time i think i'm not good enuf, i no that it's not tru, i know it, and yet i don't always think it...DANG!! im confused, doesn't it seem? but im not, truely, i don't think i am, i think i have a lotta things figured out that a lotta other people, (girls esp.) don't! um..u've prolly grown tired of these long, drawn-out, confusing entries, it seems that's all i write, but to me,thats the best kind, it gets into my mind, it helps me to think, it helps me to connect my thots in type, it really, genuinly does, no matter wut's going on w/everything and everyone else, i manage to write down my thots and process them along the way, and really now, how long does it take to read this? not long i don't think, esp. if u want to! anyhow, cutting off, changedfish

more lyrics
(haven't written in a few days, geez, i need to catch up, so here's some food for thot)
well, a great guy once wrote a song about his childhood called "Revenge of the Nerds" and during that song the last verse goes something like this:

Now days I’m a little older plus a little bolder
but it seems like I just can’t get over
you ever have a day where nothing goes right
well that just seems to be the story of my whole entire life
so anybody out there know what I mean?
to feel like your third string on a football team?
and ya never ever gonna reach any of your dreams?
and your only hope is making onion rings at burger king...

well, just as ur about to feel sorry for the guy, and ur feeling a little down cuz u just know u can relate perfectly, and u've felt that all the time, he ends the verse w/this lovely tune:

but now a days a lot of things done changed
since Christ came into my life now and just rearranged
the way I look at myself son it aint the same
I drive in a whole ‘nother lane going against the grain
I know it might just seem a little strange
the fact remains I changed when I called on his name
so call me a nerd call me lame it don’t matter to me...

and u realize that he had one heck of a crummy childhood, and he turned it around for the good!!
sometimes i feel like life's just annoying, and i'm just plain having a rough day, but then i remember, wait, i have a great life, and nothings going terribly wrong and i don't need to throw a flippin pity party, i need to have a real party!! cuz who cares? that's exactly it, no one cares the same about u as u do, cept God!!! anyhow, im pretty peachy now cuz i had a bad day, and it's gonna end up being a good day if God or i have anything to do w/it and since both will, then welp, my day's gonna b great!! aight, peace out everybody, changedfish

my sister
many of u may have siblings, i no u love them. i luv my sister, that's true, but it's a strange relationship. recently, i've resorted to eavesdropping her phone convo's and reading her blog's just so that i can no wut's goin on. and then to find out, i realize that she's not telling me for a reason!! becuz she doesn't want me to know and i should except that!! but its soooooo hard! most people think they understand and they don't, it's like the worst thing going for me rite now, and it should be one of the best, don't u see, a sister's supposed to love me, to b there for me, to wanna talk (at least every once in a while) about my life, and her life, about boys and school, or at least fashion!!!
not my sister, ya no i used to think i'd like to b close to her, i used to think i wanted to b like her, now i dunno wut i want! i dunno wut im gonna get, i know wut i need but it's not gonna happen!! this may b a confusing entry for those of u that don't know me well, or even at all, and don't know my sister or haven't heard about her...but well, that's ok, this entry's for me, only me, i don't care if u read it, i don't mind if u talk about it, but if u don't understand it, well i understand that (get it?)
my sister used to b a role model, an ok (to say the most) student, but at least she cared, an awesome christian (altho she was very private about it) and she cared about me, or so i thot, i've never really talked to my sister, hugged her, shared much w/her, or really spent time w/her, but i've always looked up to her, always loved her, and most definately always cared a lot about wut she thot!! she was miss suzy middle school growing up, skinny as a bean pole, and the one w/all the b/fs! and i wanted sooooooo much to b like her, for i was the pudgy girl, the "friend" NEVER the g/f i mean never, to this day i've never even held hands w/a guy, let alone kiss him (sure i've had a hug or two) well, as the story goes, she got to high school and lost a bit of that immediate "hotty status" as i like to put it, but she was still, basically my idol!
now-a-days, it's strange becuz i look at her, and realize that all along i really think i've had it pretty good, and now im doing very well, and she's not, and i STILL want to b like her!! crazy i no, becuz we're such opposites, but she always will b my big sister, even tho she'll never willingly touch me, or take me shopping or gossip about boys, i no she loves me! no matter how many times she tells me wut a whore, and slut i am i know it's just for fun!!
and most of all, no matter how many tears i cry becuz she's throwing her life away, i'll never change her, so, back to square one i go or rather negative!!
wutev!!!changedfish

music
ever notice how much music impacts ur life? i mean i can't tell u how many hours i've spent just listening to music!! and do u notice the mood different music puts u in? i mean if i listen to sad, slow music, i feel sluggish and teary (well, not teary exactly, im not much for that crying thing) but if i listen to like happy, rock and upbeat stuff, i feel happy and upbeat! most people don't think it's important about wut kind of music u listen to, but i think there is more to consider wen picking a radio station. i mean, wut kind of mood do u want to b in? ever notice that depressed people have depressed music? u may think they chose that music becuz of the mood they were in, but i think the music chose their mood!
many people think my choice of christian music is lame, y i seem to ask a lot? i mean, there is everytype of music w/a christian tone.
ever get a song stuck in ur head? im sure u have, and wen u go to sing it out loud i bet u don't notice the words that r comming out of ur mouth, maybe not. i do tho, i like to sing, a lot!!, everyone that knows me knows i sing all the time, "even to the point of nausea" as the saying goes. but wut i sing has good meaning! it's pure wholesome good music!! i dunno zactly where im goin w/this, but next time ur listening to music think about the words and whether or not u'd like to b caught singing them out loud
and that's all she wrote folks, changedfish

S.H.I.T.
you may use this word but do u know where it comes from?....didn't think so, it is actually an acronym for Ship High In Transport. reason?: because in the old days they used to ship cow manure in large ships to b used as fertilizer. the only problem however, was that wen cow manure gets wet (as in soaks in the bottom of the ship) it produces a menthane gas which would blow up the ships. once they figured that out, they would mark the manure "ship high in transport" or "shit"

interesting facts that plague the mind!!, byby now, changedfish

THIS IS FOR DAN!!!
actually, this is lyrics from a totally awesome song, and i no u'll prolly never even read this, but it reminded me of u, don't sweat it bro!

Wonder what can be so bad
That it makes you want to die
I wonder what could be so tragic
Makes you want to take your life
You have your Savior on the cross
While you sit on the throne
Put yourself up on that cross
Put your Savior on the throne

And I know it's hard to take what's happening
And I know life is tough sometimes
And I know it seems like there's no hope for you
And I know your life is worth more than you can see

It's hard to see beyond your pain
When you feel so dead inside
It's hard to see what you've been given
It's hard to find the hope in life

And I know it's hard to take what's happening
And I know life is tough sometimes
And I know it seems like there's no hope for you
And I know your life is worth more than you can see

And I say look at Jesus' hands
Those scars are there for you
You know He understands
What you're going through

babe, He knows, let him handle it!!! changedfish

Alright, 2nd entry!~ unfortunately this one may be just as, or more so, heated at the first, u see im a bit peaved!! i don't enjoy saying that i talk bad about people, i don't like people to do it, but sometimes it's due. i just spent an hour in the rain and the cold, see ur breath temperatures, trying to sell 50/50 tickets at a football game that like 10 people were at!!! and the coach didn't show up!!! i didn't know wut i was supposed to do, i've never done it, how am i supposed to no?? exactly!! well, i called his house and his wife said he went out to dinner before he was supposed to come, so while i sat in the rain alone for a 1/2 hr. and w/my pal angel (who was supposed to b selling them w/me) for the other 1/2. he was filling up on ribs!!! im sure he has a reason, maybe i misunderstood, maybe he told me he wasn't going to be there, but i really don't think so, i think he feels im "responsible" enuf to know what to do...and i dont!! o well, wut'd i have to do anything--that's y im really mad, is that i spent that time in the cold, doing nothing and i come home and i was having more fun there!!! that's how sad my life is rite now!! i start out my great 4 DAY WEEKEND!!! w/a rainy fball game and an e-diary entry!! how much does that suck? a lot i'll tell ya!! and im pondering wut to do..do i call someone and chat it up w/them, cuz there sure the heck isn't anyone online, do i watch the ever-entreaging television, listen to my music and write a zillion more entries???? I DON'T KNOW!!! i don't drive, i don't have a big "party" life, so this is wut i do w/my weekends!! anyhow, im done w/this..ima get off and do something usefull!! (i hope) and i'll write another onea these another time!! peace out, changedfish

Does it bother u wen people think they no u? i bothers me!! people think im the same person as yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and im not!! i change! my name is changedfish for goodness graciousness! this is a fairly exclamatory entry, as u can see, for my first i should have chosen a softer tone, but welp, that's not me, so i didn't, u'll never catch me being "soft" but not "hard" ither so wut gives?? im not the same as people think, but im not that different either...do u understand? do u get it that im a new person? i love God and i love my family, and i love my friends, however coniving they may be...and well, i love life, im not a depressed soul but things come up in which i must be annoyed to a certain extent!! people make bad choices, people screw up, y is that??? cuz of sin and i no it the same as the Bible says it but i sometimes can't comprehend how it is that i must and eveyone i hold dear must!! well, i don't know wut to tell u now, this is me, no hiding, i can write wutever the heck i want becuz who cares!! not me, i may sound bitter, i may sound rebelious, but i'm really an innocent, small town, church girl! luv yall bunches, changedfish