new year's eve- alone, but not lonely

ok well it's new years eve right? and u no that whole kiss when it's 12 thing.... well i think that tradition sux! i mean if i do kiss some random guy just to be kissing someone, everyone would flip their lids in disapproval..but if i don't then i'm sitting there and people r like "aww poor girl, no one wants to kiss her" any one else think this deal sux! i sure do!
i know that this blog bit seems always to be about boys, but really what's wrong w/that? i mean i'm a 16 yr old girl that's on the brain! that's what i think about at times like these, and then comes homecomming and then valentines day and eventually prom and who's laughing then when i don't have a date? no one, it's all the pity well maybe i can set u up w/ so'n'so from such'n'such and it's like grr...just get me someone to be with so i don't have to face the humiliation of high school alone!

now don't y'all get all snitty on me like "but mel ur so wonderful no one's good enuf for u" or "don't worry about it, u'll find ur prince someday" cuz i know, whatever i have a few friends i know i'm not a some ugly frog, but it's like it doesn't even matter to me if it's the love of my life..what's wrong w/experimenting and getting to know someone on a bit of a friendlier level? i mean really truly honestly i'm not gonna have sex w/them or start making out in public going crazy what's wrong w/a little friendly high school dating? that's right nothing! i said it..nothing!
changedfish

ok...in the past few hours/days/weeks/months/years there have been several forwards that promise that upon completion someone will tell u they love you, or that ur true love will come forth, etc. etc. and everyone's like beware! don't break the chain! it really worx i promise! all that junk, and i still don't pass them on, and u wanna know why? i'm not ready for love! i don't want anyone confessing their undying passion for me, i'm sick of anyone telling me how they feel about me out of the blue anyhow! i mean if we hang out a lot and stuff and u think i like u that's one thing, but randomly saying "by the way i'm in love with you" it creeps me out! so basically i'll pass on chain letters if i like what they say not because they promise me something, esp not love!

changedfish-had to get it outta my system!

uuunnngghhh!
(hat's my word of the moment!)
well so i spent like forever at kim's...but it was fun cuz i haven't seen her in a while so spending 3 days straight w/her wasn't bad, it was actually way fun, cuz there's never a dull moment at that house i mean there are always people there!
went to the hard core show so mike would get off my back about being "flakey" cuz i missed the set it straight show a while back haha...it was actually pretty good, i mean of course i'd prolly rather listen to their cd's than go to a live show, but it's just cuz it's at the space (the teen center) and the equipment's not too great and there's a zillion hard core kids there moshing and hard core dancing and it's a teeny tiny bit unnerving...i'm always afriad i'm gonna get wacked by someone! haha
i'm REALLY tired....cuz somehow we never sleep at kimmies and now that i'm home for a nite i think i'll go to bed early and sleep in late! whoo hoo!
i love you all sorry these have gotten boring lately, i just didn't have anything overly odd happen to me haha
changedfish-post hard core lol...not

Merry Christmas Everybody!!!

it's been an awesome day for me thus far and i hope y'all had an even better day! have fun and remember Jesus, cuz u no u'd get no holiday w/o that cute lil' baby part!!

changedfish-christmas morning

so i've come to the conclusion that i've gotten truly boring...i mean this blog used to be good and juicy and now....all i have to talk about is the oatmeal creme pies that stef's rents got me or the way awesome glass of water on the desk...it's pretty pathetic...but i swear i still have profound thots...they're just kinda hidden w/in right? o gosh i'm drying up...i need a hint of adventure and yet i'm afraid to take risks, my parents couldn't handle it if i did anything wrong, they have enuf on their minds for some crazy reason cuz nothing ever goes wrong around here but wutev.
and then it occured to me that i feel that i'm boring cuz i'm trying to impress everyone that reads this cuz there's a lot of u, and i'm always saying "o yea and i have this blog..." and i shouldn't do that cuz then people read it and think that everything i write on here was when i was level headed and thinking clearly and that i planned it out instead of the reality of the situation which is that i write whatever seems to pop into my head at the time in whutever mood i'm in, which is usually only when i'm ither extremely bored or horrendously pissed off or way lonely or something odd like that...i dunno i keep thinking maybe i'll make it a private blog or change the address but really i like it this way, i like people having access to my feelings, thots, dreams, fears...i like that they can just read about what's really going on inside if they want to cuz y'all know i'm not good at expressing myself any other way than this thing...i mean i don't cry or yell very often and so u all seem to think that means i'm always happy but then most people read this and think "hey she's just as psycho teenage as the rest of us!" and it's true...i think i'm pretty average in means of redding teens, ok so i don't party it up w/the drugs and alchy and stuff but heck not everyone does and so i dont' have a b/f but most people i know don't and serioulsy whatev for that thing nehow i'm fine, like stephanie hiser was saying some girls "do single well" i'd like to think i'm one'a those kindsa girls! nehow i think that i'm as normal as i can be for me and i don't htink people mind the oddities i tend to possess i mean do ya? haha so i guess this is another blog about nothing but u no what almost my whole entire life is about nothing, adn that excites me, and i have fun doing that...i mean i just spent most of the week in reno w/my friend and her family and it was like we did nothing adn everything at the same time adn it was soo much fun, and now i'm home and bored but i'm not cuz i still have things to do and people to talk to and it's just like i can't help but smile and think about how awesome my life is and then on the other hand i can't help but fight back the tears at times about how boring and how much it sux and it's gotta just be normal for peopel to think that but it bugs me that i let things in life get to me cuz tehy're not important and i know that...i eman like this blog i'm messing up all the words and i know it and rather than just let it go usually i go back and edit it all and make it letter perfect and even if i miss something and i see it later (even months later) i go back and fix it and that's just annoying..to ME and it's MY thing that i do...ya no i once heard that the things u hate most about others, r qualities u posess urself...adn i think that's sooo true but gosh am i an annoying person if that's true, how the heck do i even have any friends? haha
and don't think i'm asking that seriously it's rhetorical...i'm not one'a those "omgsh i'm so fat" girls or at least i try not to be...so wutev, i lost the point i was making if i was even making one...i just havn't written in a while and i thot i'd say why...it's cuz i really have nothing to say, no one's making fun of me, or in love w/me, or mad at me or wutever...i'm pretty bland at the moment...
changedfish..no life...but it's aight

no body's perfect
I stare in the mirror,
Pinching the skin around my stomach,
Molding it into the ideal shape

I wish that I could look like her,
The girl in the magazine.
I compare our hair and teeth,
Our skin and our lips.

With every look my self-esteem vanishes.
Losing confidence, my smile soon fades.
My flaws seem endless and numbered
As I quickly fall into a state of sadness,
And put on a baggy sweatshirt,
Concealing my imperfect figure,
Letting go of my dreams and pretending I don't care.

Slowly and realistically I begin to accept
My image and identity, repeating to myself
That I am the only me and that is a good thing.
--a poem by jenny sharaf
changedfish

And you ask why
When you feel like you could fly
Gotta know I got the answer for yah baby,
Drives yah crazy it's not over
So much more to life then this, why?
When you feel like you could fly
Gotta know I got the answer for yah baby,
Drives yah crazy it's not over
So much more to life then this
-thousand foot krutch (song stuck in my head ALL DAY LONG!)
changedfish-sings alone

i'm like so totally psyched about christmas break! tomorrow is my last day...all i have is asb and chem finals and i'm sooo done w/this semester! as long as i just do ok on chem i'm not worried about the report card issue....AND christmas break is awesome cuz it means an awesome trip to reno w/stef, xmas (with the fam..but we'll just act like that's a good thing haha) and new years eve, which is the best holiday ever (well it ties for first w/halloween) and i can see my friends w/o having to mix it w/acedemics!! u see it should be christmas break all year round!
i dunno, i'm not so super happy about christmas as in the actual day and stuff but i like the season and all the hype and decorations and stuff...i don't really care about what i get or anything and i know it sounds lame and clichè but i really like giving presents better than i like getting them..shopping for other people is way fun! but actually most of the time my presents r semi-bought/ semi-made...i like to give personal gifts to people, it's just so much nicer for them and for me....whateva...i so need to go to the mall and visit santa, anyone wanna come take a picture w/the big guy!?!?
o gosh that all reminds me i have to finish some last touches (and wrapping) on some friend gifts, pardon me i think i'll go do that now!
changedfish in the christmas mood!

In times like this, moving on with one's life seems impossible, and eating the entire contents of one's fridge seems inevitable. So I can give up, and accept permanent state of spinsterhood and eventual eating by dogs, or I cannot and this time I choose not!!!!

It's not ur fault,
ur born this way,
bred this way from the start,
it just so happens that everything u touch, see, do, wear, talk to, eat, look at, think about, watch, or hear is cool....
it's not my fault,
it just happens to be,
that everything i look at, want, see, do, think about, hear, wear, attempt, or talk to is average, mainstream, run-of-the-mill, ordinary.
we live in two seperate worlds, u and i, and it's not our faults that these parallel universes don't collide, it's just fate, it's God's way, it's just that,-- parallel,-- never to cross or come any closer.
u don't do it on purpose ur just this way...
if u could change it all, would u?
for me if u had a choice would u?
i think not, i think u don't know that u could, and i doubt u ever would....
it's not my fault i don't change the world...it's just the way things go,
i can wish i may, wish i might,
i can try w/the best of them,
but still i remain middle-ground...
i pathetically try with my outlandish pink jackets, my quirky smile, and my plastic rainboots to stand out, but pssh-not, i just look like i'm trying too hard....
i work with all i have to project this false persona of confidence and achievement...
i try with all my might to break out of the mold that i've been so harshly catagorized into, but i fall short (heck i am short)
i may never be in ur world...but here's where i win--- you'll never be in mine.
changedfish, the mold i'm in

well it's officially christmas season...
wow, i just spent about 30 hrs w/a friend of mine..and i'm NOT tired of her! i love that feeling, i'm not saying that most people bug me during a 30 hr time period i'm just saying there's not that many people u can spend that many hours in a row with and not get a bit annoyed at one point or another, i mean i really don't think i ever had a moment of unhappiness the whole time (well that she had anything to do with...there was that sudden illness business haaha) i'm sure that i'm not one of these types of people that can not get annoying after a long time...but it's nice to know that even so i can still get people to spend time w/me!! next venture 19-22/23 lol!!
i love u all happy holidays and such!
changedfish-took a rode trip