and in case you were wondering, you are like a sunset to me...

so i wonder, should i really change my behavior because of apperances? like ok, last semester i did a pretty good job of not being alone with any guys, letting all my guy friends know that i'm not dating etc. this semester i kind of let up a bit- i still tell them all that i'm not dating, nto interested, etc..but i've allowed myself to be a tad more flirty to not worry so much about spending aloneish time with them- i mean always in public places, except maybe in the car, but still i mean i'm seldom actually ALONE anyhow. but i really shouldn't be getting out of this on a technicality- my issue is that if others notice i'm spending more time with one guy than another than my whole plan of people being about to know i'm not interested by observation is blown- i mean i usually figure if a guy was interested and he watched my behavior he'd notice that i try and treat all my friends similarly- i mean each relationship is different, but i try nto to show any one of them special notice so that it is obvious tha ti'm not in a dating mindset- but then i make friends that i wnat to hang out with more often, or that just end up hanging out with more often and people all of a sudden start expecting things- not my good friends, not really anyone i actually know, it's people that just kind of watch and assume- which granted it would look that way to an outsider i guess but it's just so lame because if i dont' think it is and he doesn't think it is and all of our friends know it's not then why do i feel like i need to all of a sudden make a poitn about it- if he were interested he would tell me that we can't spend so much time together- he's done it before, i know that, i've been his third party in order to avoid the potential situation- but i guess i just feel like i'm abandoning my original plans...i mean i kind of felt like because i took last semester to re-sensitize myself to the whole co-gender situation that it would be ok to lighten up a bit within reason, but now i'm not so sure...i want to loosen up, i want to just not worry aobut what others think adn do what i want but at the same time, what kind of example is that? what kind of "oh yeah, i've been there and i've changed" is that if i look as if i haven't changed, it's like the whole settin gyourself apart arguement but different because i'm setting myself apart in a world where we're all "set apart"
it's just kind of a ridiculous situation you know, i mean if i made a new girl friend and wanted to hang out with her a bunch no one would think anything of it (ok yes they would but not in that sense, they'd just wonder why i was never around anymore) and honestly my friends, the others that i hang out with totally understand, and most people totally understand it's just those few that make me nervous- and i don't know why...i don't know why
changedfish- she can't admit her jealousy of her sister veronica and how she's so pretty

what if you catch me where would we land- a bird could love a fish but where would they live.

i ignore you because i care about you- is that so bad? has it really come to this, my first reaction when i see you is to turn away, avert my eyes, act as if i don't see you. i dont' knwo what else to do- it's my immense respect for you that causes me to act this way- it's not that i don't want to see you, that i don't want to run up and say hello...it's not about what i want, it's about what you want, what she wants- and i guess about what i want for you. i want you to be happy so badly that i don't really care that it upsets me, i mean i care, sure i care, obviously i can't see you without it frustrating me that i can't hang out with you, say hey, be your friend...i understand relationships and boundaries and not getting too close with other girls and all that, i'm not dumb, i understand jealousy but is that all it is at this point- jealously? or is it a personal vendetta against me? does she just not like ME or is it the thought of what you think of me? why can't i just talk to you? why can't we be friends...it hurts, it really does, i feel so defensive in this area, i feel like i'm not trustworthy, like i must seem like some kind of harlot you know, i mean why else would i be so forbidden? there are so many girls out there that would try to snake in, so many girls who wouldn't respect the boundaries, so many girls...so many girls....i try SO hard, every day NOT to be one of those other girls, not to create more problems, not to be a nuisance but one of these days it's just going to be too late, too far gone...we won't have a friendship left to fight for...it sounds so lame in my head that i'm fighting for something...fighting...i don't think you call this fighting- i think you call it turning over and playing dead, i just don't...i just don't know what you want me to do and you never tell me, you seem to be just as sorry as i am that things are the way they are but being sorry doesn't tell me what i'm supposed to do, how i'm supposed to act. and i dont' want to be taking the selfish approach on this in any way, i just mean i want to make this easy for you, if you want me to give up well i guess i have no choice, but if there's some magic formula here just help me find it, help me so that i can solve this unsolvable mystery...i'm at the end of my rope- i don't know how i am supposed to handle this situation tactfully, it's like i go to the extreme side just to be safe but i dont' know if that works, i dont' know what message that's sending you...i don't want you to think this is the way i want it, the way i prefer it, because let me tell you this is no way to have a friendship, i don't want to get you in trouble yet it seems the only way is secrecy and that's not really ok with me....grr growl
changedfish- wit's end, check