this is the straw, final straw
sometimes there's a weird line between how u should act and how u do act, how u feel and how u should feel...it's awkward to logicalize ur actions and feelings sometimes because then u come to the realization that ur being completely irrational......and no one likes to feel that.
changedfish- let me just figure it out before i move

"it's times like this when i wonder if you ever think of me..."

sometimes i think about the future, i think about the man i will marry. i wonder what he'll look like- will he be tall or short, broad or slim, blonde or brunette or auburn with freckles? will he drive a beat up truck or a brand new sports car, will he be older than me younger than me, or share my same birthday? does he think about me, his future wife? does he wait for me like i'm waiting for him? would he be creeped out that i think about him or would he be flattered that i care? have i met him yet? does he know who i am? where does he live? and where will we live? how many kids does he want, and how many will we have? what kind of family does he come from? is he a christian now, will he be a christian then? how will i know he's the one? has he made major changes in his life or has he always been the same? how will he propose and what will our wedding be like? will he die first or will i? what will he do for a living? will i stay home with kids or will i work? will he stay home with kids? will we even have kids? will he love me as much as i love him? will we be together forever? will our families like eachother? what is he doing right now? does he believe that there is only one woman out there for him the way i believe there's only one man for me? how long will we date before he pops the question? will he ask my fathers permission first? how long will we be engaged for? how big will the wedding be? where will we go on our honeymoon? will he be emotional or emotionless? will he anger easily or bottle it inside? does he cry? does he smile? what hardships has he been through? what will we go through together? will he call me melanie or some odd pet name? will he be musical? will he be creative? will he be strong? will he like the outdoors? will we fight often? will he wait for me?

cuz i am waiting for, waiting for you darling
wait for me too.
wait for me as i wait for you....darling wait

changedfish- will i be a grandmother?

if i can't have the Joey to my Raechel, should i settle for the Len to my Jessica?

if ur thirty and u still throw fits like ur three...there's really no hope for you in this life.

9/11 pet peeves
(is it ok to have those? or am i a terrible person and a disrespectful American?)

ok well i know that's an odd thing to say but honestly it does bother me a bit that people feel that in tragedy we need to take a zillion photographs of people's heartache, give these people a break they're watching a building tumble down and ur shooting a roll of film? do u have a heart? and to post those terrible pictures all over the internet, news, newspaper, magazines, etc. i realize ur trying to get american's to feel the impact, but we're all so desensitized (thank you action movies) that all we see is pictures of blown up buildings..and often that doesn't register as out of the ordinary...it bothers me that people can't leave well enuf alone and just say, no we'll never forget but we didn't exactly bomb out all of afganistan and we're not going to...now we don't need to put all of our sad pictures to music and make everyone cry...i realize that some of these are neat to watch and heck i even think it's good to be reminded on the day and such, i'm not saying it's horrible to post these things, i did..but after a while u start to wonder why the people with the cameras weren't dragging people out of the buildings and why those videotaping weren't consoling the sobbing person they're getting footage of..it starts to make u hate the media more and more...i went to ground zero this summer, i saw the space, i read the plaques, and i took pictures at the fire house, i know where it all went down and i can see how horrible it all was...but new york's been rebuilt, and it doesn't look like it did those 4 years ago..people aren't still running the streets mad adn sobbing they've grown adn gotten stronger, tuffer in the face of evil..they have pulled together and bonded in a way that we californians have never seen... now about this hurricane situation...it breaks my heart to see the pictures yes, but why are these photographers taking pictures when they could be helping? are they eating? do they have fresh water? why the heck are they even there if they'r enot going to share what they have and why put people's greif out on tv, the internet etc, i mean can't they just sob in their own way? do they have to have it broadcast to the world? can't people consol thier families and clutch their suitcases for dear life and greive without everyone being in on it? it's horrible that people can't just leave well enuf alone...you wnat people to help, u give them options, u don't show them the devastation....and u know whats the worst...that poeple think bush isn't doing anything, i don't care what u think of bush he IS trying, whether he's a good president or not isn't the issue, he's doing the best he can....one of my campers from this summer talked to me about doing something for the hurricane and she was all "what do u think about bush letting all those poeople die" and i'm just sitting there gapping mouth going HUH? ur TEN what do u know about this? and how do u not see the releif efforts (so i informed her, turns out her dad's a bush-hater) u know it's not hard to see all the horrible things about tragedies, the tsunami, the hurricane, 9/11, the civil war...but it doesn't mean u have to disreguard all the efforts people made to make things better..i mean all the money raised to help and all the people that are risking their lives daily for others....it's really easy for people to blame others for not doing enuf, but really what are those people doing for the effort? nto that they're not doign anything but giving 50 bucks doesn't mean ur going to mississippi and building homes now does it? heck my dad and 4 of his buddies from church are heading to the south in november to help with the effort, if i didn't have school i'd go with them...it's not hard to take a week off work for a worthy cause and actually do something constructive...i know that people will disagree with me, and i'm not saying donating is bad AT ALL...i'm just saying don't put down the leaders of america if ur not doing anything either, i guarentee the man is trying
changedfish- never forget

the overflow

so i've decided (due to many different contributing factors) that for me crying and sex bare a striking similarity...yes, i know this is QUITE the leap for one brain to make, but...that doesn't mean it's illogical..ok get this right i mean the hype on ur first sexual encounter is unchartable, i mean the pressure is crazy, and even tho i've pledged celebasy till marriage it doesn't make the pressure or the build any less, if anything it makes it greater, i mean how much more disillutioned will i be at that point in time? now i shall try and help relate this to my tears. i've decided that since it's been so dang long since i've allowed myself to let the water fall that i'm like a crying virgin and now i feel like in order for me to cry it has to be this huge tragedy that rocks the world or at least my personal world..when in reality major issues don't phase me, i have to loose of a grasp on reality that all things monumental become too surreal to effect me emotionally. i mean 9/11-not a drop, tsunami-nothing, hurricane- nada, my grandmother died, as did jen swenson, as did millions of people across the globe and yet none of those things register the tiniest mark on my scale....i know i'm a freak, u don't have to point it out to me, that the things taht get me the most rilied up are the most superficial unimportant things that a person could get upset over and still attempt to label herself as remotely mature. u don't have to iron it on a t-shirt for me to get that i'm really not the cry-all-the-time girl i'm expected to me - it's not like i haven't watched countless examples of that exact steriotype in my life...not that i live with one or anything, she only visits on weekends remember? i just feel that i've let myself go so long that there's all this build and i expect to have to wait until the huge climax of life to let it all go..i mean what's it going to take for me to finally feel it's ok to show emotion...i practically pride myself on the fact that i'm so heartless and void of eye-water. it's like, somehow i feel that if i were to let my guard down then i'd need to document it adn if it's not some huge big deal then it'll seem totally vain and i dunno...it's this huge cycle..and that's why i relate it to sex, i know back to the untouchable subject, but honeslty, i'm reading this book about the virginous brainiac girl who has all these skanky friends and they keep telling her that the longer she waits the more pressure there is and the better it has to be and therefore it's gonna be a let down and all this, and not that it's convincing me to abandon my morals, rather i'm realizing that superficial high school sex is not even close to the way i want to go down in the books...however it relates to another area of my life...crying, now tell me there's no connection? there o'so totally is! i mean yes i have cried before in my life, but as of my entire high school career there's been nothing, and it's truly tragic, i mean maybe i just haven't had a very soap opera-ey life, but that's all the more reason to be thankful for the friends i have and the life i lead......i dont'e ven know where i'm going with this, i just thot it was an insightful analogy and one that should be put into physical words....
changedfish- the tear virgin

the awkward moments that make up life

Well I'll never forget the first time that I heard
That pretty mouth say that dirty word
And I can't even remember now what she backed my truck into
But she covered her mouth and her face got red
And she just looked so darn cute
That I couldn't even act like I was mad
Yeah I live for little moments like that

Well that's just like last year on my birthday
She lost all track of time and burnt the cake
And every smoke detector in the house was goin' off
And she was just about the cry until I took her in my arms
And I tried not to let her see me laugh

Yeah I live for little moments like thatI know she's not perfect but she tries so hard for me
And I thank God that she isn't 'cause how boring would that be
It's the little imperfections it's the sudden change in plans
When she misreads the directions and we're lost but holdin' hands
Yeah I live for little moments like that

When she's layin' on my shoulder on the sofa in the dark
And about the time she falls asleep so does my right arm
And I want so bad to move it 'cause it's tinglin' and it's numb
But she looks so much like an angel that I don't wanna wake her up

Yeah I live for little moments
When she steals my heart again and doesn't even know it
Yeah I live for little moments like that

changedfish- the kind of awkward i want to be

and for the times when life gives you the lemonade and requests the lemons back. laugh.

HUNKY FOOD
i've come to the conclusion that i hate almonds in my trail mix...i just do! and i don't think u should change my mind about it.
i don't like chunks of fruit in my yogurt
or pralines in my ice cream
it's like hard toffee in a creamy chocolate bar, there's no space for that there, what's it doing?
no one likes that kind of interruption...well maybe some people but, seriously it just bugs me!

it's just like i'm way enjoying my food and all of a sudden there's this mass of something that does not belong, it's doesn't mesh well..i mean in trail mix there's the soft raisins and soft nuts and soft m&m's adn then wam bam u hit a hard crunchy almond...just ruins the bite for me..i have to pick them all out and give them to my dad or put them back in the bag and eventually that's all that's left. funny thing is i don't hate the almond itself, i just hate where it's put, i don't like that it's bugging me at the wrong time, i don't like that i'm obsessed with removing it from my hand, like it shouldn't bother me that much, it really shouldn't be an issue, it's just a stupid almond, and u like almonds, but somehow it's like someone's messing with me or something that they keep sticking them in there, more and more of them until i just can't hardly eat trail mix!

changedfish-thourally insane for one day

the good kind of awkward

ok, so this afternoon i go to take a shower, and amy has kindly removed my anna nalick cd, and replaced it with 'the best of country'. so i decide to check it out, and i hear this song that is totally great because it's all about how this guy loves his girlfriend/wife (didn't say) so much because of all the awkward moments- like when she burns the cake or falls asleep on his arm and his arm falls asleep- he says he lives for little moments like that...when she steals his heart and doesn't know it....i know it's a cheesy clichè song, and country too...but i just think that it's true, i mean i think that guys really do like the cute little silly stuff that we ladies accidently do, i mean, no he doesn't want us to back his car into a mailbox, but spilling a drink every so often could turn out to be endearing, i'm rooting for that because Lord knows i've got awkwardness on my side! what'dya think? awkward a plus or a minus?

changedfish- spilled at work

" a little chubby, is often a lot hot"

i really like that phrase (and i'm sure u can all guess as to why) but recently i've come to the conclusion that it's not even so much as i'd rather enjoy my extra padding, but that i genuinely find that some people look better with a little weight on them. like hilary duff for instance..she had that charming chubby girl thing going for her, and now it's like she's not half as pretty because her face isn't even the same shape anymore! and don't tell me y'all don't agree that linsey lohan needs to get that weight back. i feel that i'm one of those people who's never going to be dramatically thin, and i think my body would look way weird if i did lose too much weight, i like my plump cheeks and my baby soft wider arms and my helga legs, complete with hefty thighs and ankles....i just can't see myself looking good were i to be as thin as mischa barton. it's just not in the cards for me, and i honestly think that those around me would agree...not agree that i should never lose any weight, but that i look better on the 130 side of things, rather than the 115 side of things....getting in shape is always a plus, but unhealthy weight loss just isn't my idea of a good idea teehehe! so thanx all for telling me that i'm cute this size!
and thanx stef for showing me that one article by that one guy from that one band!

changedfish- better left unchanged