and to be completely honest ur not like all the rest....
welp...today was one'a those days where everything that coulda gone wrong totally did but yet i still had a good day, i mean i was kinda still smiling and laughing and it was crappy...so who knows?
i finally got my schedule changed around..that was a bummer deal cuz i didn't really think to talk to a different counselor and fix it earlier..so i kinda bombed the last couple days of my history class but now i'm done with it and i getta sleep in a bit for the rest of the year...cuz i only have 6 classes!! WHOOSH!
no one was even mean to me today! i was soo excited or yesterday either! i mean i dunno that's not something i would usually say nething about but recently i've been getting a lotta not-so-nice things said to me, so i feel the need to mark the time when no one did such a thing! and seriously i find that when i'm having a bad time or when things r going wrong those r the times when u really do find ur real friends cuz they're the ones that r there for u telling u that they love u and ur not scum and that no matter what they'll be by ur side! i've found that i truly have the best friends on the planet, i mean heck no one's perfect and i'm sure that they share in the gossip sometimes or whatever, but heck so do i we're all human and as long as we try our hardest to be as un-human as possible then mission acomplished!
it's late i'm tired..more tomorrow or something but basically thanx to those of u that don't not like me (that's right a double negative!!!!!!) i mean i doubt anyone hates me, so y say it, but i know there r a lot of people that love me....and that makes me happy enuf to sleep at nite! kisses and hugs and love to all of u who make me smile, to the world that makes me laugh!
"don't worry cuz now i got ur back and everytime u feel like crying i'm gonna try and make u laugh...." steffers lyrics r super duper
changedfish

business as unusual
ok...now i tried not to say anything detailed, i try never to mention names or actual situations, but now u've gone and miffed me! ur comments must stop! i do not wish to take away ur privilage of telling me what u think but then u go and make me feel guilty and print misinformation and just generally stick ur nose where it does not need to be, and i tried very very hard to let it go and not say anything about these recent annonymous comments that have been comming in but if ur gonna say things like that about me then u'd BEST identify urself because this is not just some random comment it's a personal attack at me and i'd like to calmly discuss matters w/u..heck email me, im me or something but do NOT go on and on and on and on about what a rotten person i am because u do not know what ur talking about, if u have a problem u wish to speak w/me about go for it, but dont come onto the one place that is mine, the only place i feel safe to spew the ONE place that i can express MY opinions and tell MY side of the story and bash me because that's just plain rude! i don't go onto ur sites and bad mouth you, i don't go telling details to people about something i don't know about.
i don't use specifics on this site for a reason, and that's cuz people actually do read this! and i want them to...but i dont' need the world getting into my personal business...so i don't use names i don't use places i don't even tell the real story i use metaphores and incoherant ramblings to express my feelings. that's the way it is done for me, it's my style it's my choice! i don't have the ability to edit these comments or remove only one or two of them either they're all on the site or they're all off and i choose for them to be on, but if this continues then it's good-bye to the comments.... bottom line don't cuss, don't tell details, and if u don't know the whole story ask don't assume!

eh...sometimes hitting the tree doesn't hurt, sometimes it makes ya laugh, more like a tickle than a bruise....there r those days i'd rather just hit it! today just might be one'a those times....

so i've realized this school year, and especially this week, that i do truly have quite a fleet of awesome friends! i mean, ok so there r those that don't appreciate my presence o'so'much but there are also those that love me and care about me like crazy, there r those that will stand by me to infinity and beyond! haha and i've decided not to worry about what the other select few think because if i let them get me down then i'll be unhappy all the time....i do care what people think of me, i try to be a good girl and a good example and all but if i mess up...it's ok, i mean NObody's perfect and i'm just gonna have to live w/the fact that some people don't know that....i love you all so much, i truly do, everyday at school i find myself smiling, even on my worst days, u guys r the p in my erfection (shayna's line! lol) cuz together we're great! don't let me let u down, but if i hit the tree i'll dust u off and we'll step back on life's path! love forever! changedfish

The Metaphorical Release
I hate drama-no, not the class- life's drama. and i hate it more when people have a right to be dramatic and ya no what the climax is? when it's ME that GIVES them that reason.
sometimes when you're doing something you can't see the bigger picture sometimes you don't realize the effects of your actions until they're complete.
I usually feel like i can pretty much see what's comming based on what i do and generally try to stear clear of life's potholes. but i guess this time i was too busy staring at my own friggin reflection in the mirror to see the huge tree in my path. and it's not that i've hit it, no, no one's been hurt yet, but i've just discovered that i'm heading straight into it and if i don't put on the brakes and swerve (who knows the spelling of that?) away i'm going to have a major problem.
How was i to know the world was involved in my endeavors? they've never noticed or cared before! and now they're all watching w/telescopes? i could say it was as much the tree's fault as mine, but that sounds silly now doesn't it? so the only person to blame is me!
i won't let him do to her, what she did to him! it may be what she's got comming, the whole taste-of-her-own-medicine bit, but that's not for me to decide and bitterness isn't right. and maybe i'm just flattered by the attention he showed and maybe i was trying to create a problem for his problem, w/o knowing it. maybe i truly AM one of those type of girls i've never liked. maybe i do the exact things i loath. maybe it's wishfull thinking, maybe a strong hope, or perhaps a mere underestimating of blatent facts. whatever it was, it was my fault.
and now it's a big deal? i can do one thing over here and it's ok, unnoticed by all, and then do the exact same thing over there a moment later and it's a riot. i don't get how i put myself in these situations!
i once heard someone say that if you're trying to miss a pothole and you stare at it (to know where it is) you're going to run right over top of it. and if u look where u want to go , instead of focusing on the spot to miss, you'll be fine. so i guess trying to avoid problems creates problems. who knew? not me, that's for sure. i just realized that i've never really had problems that effected anyone else (but me) usually it's my mistake, my screw up, my problem. but somehow this time i stepped to far out of the box and now i'm landing on others toes.
so i'm sorry, lo siento, i didn't look where i was headed, i didn't check to see if my passengers wanted to take that route, i just plunged ahead. and now comes the tuff part of changing directions. it's not as easy to return as if you've never left. it's not as fun to leave the place you want to be to go where others want you to go. but at times it's the best to listen to others. sometimes they can see the spots you missed. sometimes, life's just DRAMA!
and it doesn't mean that u can't return there later, it doesn't mean that you have to leave that place and run the oppisite way forever, it just means take a step back, look at the greater picture, it means taking others advice, reading the situation and doing what you know is best
changedfish-the driver

i don't care if u read this...but it may not be kind..it's just real, my real thots however they may be, and i don't really care if u read it, and i don't really care if u like it, i'm taking a selfish moment because this is my blog and my thing and it's not for u, any of u.... and if u don't get it..it's prolly not about u..so don't worry about it!
i'm not pissed i just felt stupid, i mean i waited till like 9 before deciding it was a lost cause...checking my phone all the time even tho i KNEW it hadn't rung...explaining to those i'd told that i guess i was just kidding and nope i didn't have plans....but seriously it was fun, and i have other friends, guys, girls doesn't matter i seem to have them and i dont really need to wait around for a specific one...it doesn't even matter to me...and i may sound really upset but i'm seriously not...i really did have fun and everything so don't even worry about it

i have the best friends ever! i mean between trips for fun dip and nacho's w/too much cheese to telling eachother how hott we are..to secret agents (opperation bike-trunk is the best!) i mean really i have the best friends..and they give the best hugs and they seem to mind my crazy antics or my long rants....i don't konw how i ended up w/them but i love them! so thanx guys...i mean really, u r my rox, my flowers, my spine..w/o u..i'd just keel over and flop dead-style! and i love you! ur just wonderful...super duper duper people!
sorry i had a moment at the begining of this thing...i just have sometimes when i need to vent and it would be pointless to delete all the bad stuff cuz then it bottles up and ya..it's not good...so i love you love you all...kisses, changedfish

Was this bridge we burned one we should have crossed?
-changedfish

the clouds lift and the duck is a swan....
confused? ya..that was a strange title but it's totally true...i mean i've been blaming my low self-esteem on the ugly duckling syndrome forever and it's like finally...i don't feel ugly anymore, i don't feel so stupid, i don't feel fat, i don't feel unwanted....i feel like i have friends, and people that genuinely care about me....and i'm soo excited! i mean seriously it's taken me this long to get to this point...and w/this new enlightenment comes a lot of decisions esp. about which direction i take, i mean i could go straight to the snobby, i'm-better attitude, and that's a danger, but no i still try to be humble and all....o gosh this time in my life has been so weird, it's like i've come to the realization that a lotta things really just don't matter! and seriously they don't! this is just high school y wig out about every little thing (which i tend to do majorly!) but rather just go over the hump and get back on track! it's like who cares what others think as long as ur happy, and i know that sounds TOTALLY selfish, and it is, but i think if it's the right thing ur happy about it's ok...i mean not everyone agrees w/me on all levels but that doesn't mean i should cater to them does it? NO! i dunno and also a part of me says it's only high school and ur bound to screw up a bit and ur bound to do stupid things and that's ok! i mean seriously if ur always worried about doing something wrong u'll never live! just live...it's the best thing life has to offer hehe. i'm not saying u set urself up for failure, i'm not saying u do something wrong and say it's ok cuz it's only high school...but i am saying that u shouldn't go all nutz-o if it's not as bigga deal as it seems....some things R a big deal...friends, relationships, classes these things DO matter..and i've heard college and past people talk and they say things about it not being important and on a level i agree w/them but then being there in the setting everyday i think that it does matter, and everyday we're faced w/decisions and problems that can alter the world we live in..this fish bowl can become clouded if to many factors blow up ya no.
welp i think i've rambled my wisdom enuf now....so ta-ta changedfish (aka babs)

so many friends so little time!
i don't know what the deal is, but all of a sudden i totally have friends, and they actually want to spend time w/me and i have to like juggle plans around and prioritize who i want to spend time with and i'm DEFINATELY not used to this, it's not like i never had friends but somehow recently people want to be social, and so do i! i've made a buncha new friends this year and i really enjoy spending time w/new people! i was talking to a friend of mine about this same thing this weekend, it's like freshman year u see people and meet people and u sort of catagorize people and judge them and figure that certain people u'll never be real good friends with, and then by now (junior year) you've gotten to actually know these people and u realize that they rn't always the way u thot they were and often the people u never thot u'd be friends with end up being ur great friends and those u thot u'd always be super duper friends with start fading away....and it's not that it's a bad thing to switch friends or a good thing either, it's just different and exciting...only problem is fitting all the different groups into my schedule..i don't have a zillion friends but the several friends i do have all come from different circles so everytime i hang out w/someone it's not as if all of my friends r there...so i have to make time for the others and the other others and do u kinda understand what i mean? i dunno..i've always had different groups of friends but now it seems worse cuz i have old friends and i have new friends and i have youth group friends and i have outside friends and it's just like i love them all soo much and i wanna hang out w/them all, all the time cuz they're all so fun to hang out with and i don't want them to think that i'm not hanging out w/them much because they're not important to me, cuz they are, it's just that i try to split myself evenly and i always seem to leave someone out or something and i just feel so jerky, but i have to remind myself that it's not always my fault and i can't always be blaming myself cuz i'll give myself ulcers haha!
i think this post sounds really cocky like i'm so super popular and i just can't keep my friends straight, but that's not it at all, it just seems that as u get older people start being more social outside of school so even if u have very few friends ur still busier and such w/them....i dunno how to explain it, but i'm really not some popular freak, i just happen to like hanging out w/a bunch of different people...and whether they enjoy my company i don't know, but that's what i plan to find out by spending time with them!
i had a really fun weekend and i'm hoping that my week will be as much fun as the start of it was (i'm switching it from week"end" to week"start" huh huh huh? sound good haha) changedfish

sometimes i wonder about the things that u do that r wrong, but not wrong...
u know like sometimes they're disobediant but not wrong if u were allowed....get that?
i mean like u sorta feel guilty, but at the same time u feel like u shouldn't have to cuz ur not doing anything you shouldn't u no? like i think i'm a trustable person, i make mostly good choices, i don't party, or sneak out, or break laws or anything, but sometimes i still do things i shouldn't have...and if i enjoy those things, that's bad rite? i know that sounds weird but it's like, somethings make u really happy, somethings u really enjoy doing and they're not wrong, but sometimes the time u choose to do them, or the way u go about doing them, isn't good, so i guess u don't understand what i'm saying and i'm not going to elaborate for you....all i'm gonna say is i'm still working on that line between head and heart. and until i figure it all out w/the big man i'm confused and dazed.....wutev, changedfish

In these days of uncertainty and fear, It is comforting to know you are always near.You are ever listening for my call, And you are there to catch me if I should fall. When the whole world seems to be falling apart, You are right here in my heart. You promised to be with me to the end, LORD, you truly are my best friend!--another great one from the kid down south changedfish

the Lion King was AMAZING!
i wish u all could have seen it! i mean the music the costumes....everything was sooo magical! i love theature! i love the stage! i love being on stage, i love watching others on stage! i just wish i was better and could do it all the time! those people r truely blessed to be able to do that all the time! i was glad i gotta go!
fillin' ya in, i went to san fran w/my mom this weekend! it was fun! surprisingly enuf i enjoy my mother, i mean she can set me off at times but she's a great woman and a wonderful mother, and i'm happy she's mine, cuz i think of all those people who don't know thier mothers, and all those people w/rotten mothers, and i know that i have the greatest gift!
nehow...we went and stayed a nite w/my grandpa on friday..it was interesting, he's getting a bit old and kinda slow but it's aight, he's fine. and then we went to san fran on saturday...we saw the play and shopped, then got up in the morning and shopped more, i don't really like shopping, but this was fun mother/daughter shopping, so it was ok, no pressure ya no. nehow...we went to peir 39 and we stayed in union square...basically we just had a buncha fun
then i came home and we watched a movie together...sorta, so it was a lotta mom this weekend, and i kinda like the lady, i think i'll keep her lol.
nehow..that was my weekend until now, a buncha usless boring info but i had to at least say SOMETHING that wasn't other peoples quotes and stories, or some lame poem or something, this was truely words, and such, so there haha changedfish

Friends are like rainbows.
This I know.
Because each color stands alone,
yet blends together from a distance.
As friends, we each have our own identities,
but also have some similarities.
We have lots in common that we like to do,
and we have values and morals that are similar.
A rainbow makes you smile just as good friends do too.
From a distance you can spot a beautiful rainbow,
just as you can spot good friends - us! --scott u r soo full of these! changedfish