Awkward Fun

yes, i suppose it was fun, interesting perhaps is a better word, out-of-the-ordinary the phrase one might use...it was different than what i thot my night was going to be, not entirely bad different, but not truly good different....there were times when i thot AWESOME and times when i felt alone but surrounded...i guess if loneliness is all you've got in common then it's a perfect set? either way...three day weekends should happen more often

changedfish- unstable but finally secure

"will she heal and let him love her? will he look for the old in the new?"


there's still a lot left to learn in life....sometimes i feel like i'm older than i truly am and that i know more about life than i actually do....but sometimes it takes different people and experiences and emotions to make u realize u were trying to hard to act like u had the world figured out...trying too hard to manipulate ur life the way u thot it should go....i don't know best, i only think i do.....

for a girl w/too many lists, plans, and calenders, thanx for teaching me about being spotaneous and seeing what happens as we go along...

changedfish- i guess we'll see how things go eh?

maybe it was for me, maybe not, i relate everything to myself anyhow haha!

i'm not hopeless
he sees so much more in me than i see in myself
things can get better if i'll only let him in
its time to surrender...

changedfish-is it wrong to wish things are directed at urself?

sometimes u just don't know what to say, sometimes it seems that no matter what u say and no matter how many people would agree w/that u can't convince urself, and sometimes the only person u can convince is urself....it's like falling down a rabbit hole...

all i want is security, all i want is a firm handshake, a strong embrace, all i want is to fall asleep knowing that when i wake up i will be happy....i want to fall asleep smiling.

if i can't be what u want, and you can't give what i want then why are we lying to ourselves.

when you care to much to stop caring...

life's all about choices, how do u know which answer is the right one? sometimes they all seem right, sometimes it's an all of the above.

maybe the best decision is to do what u know u can do and not back down because of fear. do what u can do because u can do it...don't be afraid

u can only go half way into the woods, because then ur leaving....remember that, it's only dark and scary for a while and if u keep going, u'll find lite, don't retreat, it takes longer to get out of the muck.

ur not old enuf to need to be first

don't let people make their own decisions, if u can make up their minds for them.

changedfish the caveman....wanna get a bagel w/me?

and you said: I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart things will just get worse. When the burden seems to much to bear remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

so pretty much happy birthday allie and i love you and i hope ur blow-out-candles-wish comes true cuz well...even if i don't KNOW what u wished for i can always guess and i know that it'll be like BAM great! (crosses fingers tightly)

uh yea i dunno....but i'm thinking u know u just don't want to admit it on that... it's ok if u want that, really, just realize that that's what u want because if u don't just sit down and think about it and tell me then i don't know what ur thinking...i don't feel compelled to pry it all out of you, i'm always here for u and u darn well know it, but just cuz i'm there for you doesn't mean i have to be the one for you, know that i'm ok, and know that u will be too, it's all about time and as much as time heals scars are ok too...do what's right for you this time...

sometimes ur just going too fast to slow down before u stop...
changedfish

thanx for sharing tees!

Paul Harvey tells a modern parable about a religious skeptic who worked as a farmer.

One raw winter night the man heard an irregular thumping sound against the kitchen storm door. He went to a window and watched as tiny, shivering sparrows, attracted to the evident warmth inside, beat in vain against the glass.

Touched, the farmer bundled up and trudged through fresh snow to open the barn door for the struggling birds. He turned on the lights and tossed some hay in a corner. But the sparrows, which had scattered in all directions when he emerged from the house, hid in darkness, afraid.

The man tried various tactics to get them into the barn. He laid down a trail of Saltine cracker crumbs to direct them. He tried circling behind the birds to drive them towards the barn. Nothing worked. He, a huge, alien creature, had terrified them; the birds couldn't comprehend that he actually desired to help them. The farmer withdrew to his house and watched the doomed sparrows through a window.

As he stared, a thought hit: if only I could become a bird-one of them-just for a moment. Then I wouldn't frighten them so. I could show them the way to warmth and safety.

AT the same moment, another thought dawned on him. He had grasped the reason Jesus was born.

changedfish- sometimes u wish people would relate

sometimes it rains, sometimes it pours.....sometimes there's a drought....but the rain always comes back, u can always count on rain, i assure you, u can always count on rain!

the queen of random facts strikes again: it's an outrage!

ok so maybe you all knew this but i found it completely ridiculous. ya no those stunning white robes adorned w/a lovely pointed hat that the ku klux klan wore/wears? well they are not as original as they seem...those outfits are copy cats of religious robes worn in the ancient church so that people could do good deeds and works while keeping anonymous and therefore not recieving credit for it...they felt that if they were recognized for their great achivements then it wouldn't be for God, it would be all about themselves, so they would cover their faces and wear these robes and such as they went about doing whatever they were doing for God...but then rush to America in the early 1900's or so and poof there are those humbling outfits on terrible cross-burning people!! i find this utterly outrageous!! i mean not only were these people against all sorts of races, not just african american, but they were like a freaking mob forcing people to join them and beating/torturing/killing/etc people who were against them...and yes some of the kkk's morals were sort of moral, they were against birth control, evolution, and adultry, but they were also anti-black-foreign-communist-catholic-jewish-internationalist-pacifist....the only things they were not against basically were 'native' white, and protestant... and these people had the nerve to wear a sacred uniform!?!?.....i find this totally ridiculous and sickening...could they not have found something else to burn their crosses in??

changedfish-glad i didn't pay the $10 fee

8/16/2004
If one day you feel like crying...Call me.
I don't promise that I will make you laugh,
But I can cry with you.
If one day you want to run away--Don't be afraid to call me.
I don't promise to ask you to stop...But I can run with you.
If one day you don't want to listen to anyone...Call me.
I promise to be there for you.
And I promise to be very quiet.
But if one day you call...
And there is no answer...
Come fast to see me.
Perhaps I need you.

changedfish-recycler

mediocrity
(part of an article by Douglas Soccio in the record searchlight)

Moral mediocrities...are the folks who are always ready for a break, who work a bit slower than the other members of the crew, who wimp out early, who use up their sick days when they aren't really sick, who get other people to do their drudge work.
ironically, moral mediocrities are more of a threat to our long-term well-being than terrorists, serial killers, and criminals. seriously bad characters are more manageable threats than moral mediocrities- leeches, praise-stealers, slackers, layabouts, and self-pamperers - beacuse big-time thugs tend to be easily recognized and the harm they cause clearly demarcated. dealing with them, we know who the enemy is and where the battle must be joined; and so we have comrades in our resistence to them.
but how do we defend oursleves against our own lack of diligence, our own resistance to sustained, first-rate work, our own inattentiveness, last-minute-itis, and good-enough-is-good-enough mediocrity? how do the lazy and sloppy put up a sustained effort for and against much of anything, except, perhaps, against sustained, hard, fist rate work?

changedfish-diligence is where it's at!

and i realize, i'll never be that fallen teardrop...

that tear drop,
the small drop that with all it's being portrays such immense passion.
i won't be the tear that displays emotion so deep it couldn't be contained.
a tear wants to be seen, it wants the world to feel it's pain, or experience it's joy
i know i'll never be that fallen teardrop, the one that falls warm onto your hand
i don't want to be a teardrop, i'd rather just be rain.

changedfish

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...
'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.
I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.
And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heartin the saddest state it’s ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won’t take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me...
So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.

changedfish-Who I am hates who I’ve been.

Which To Bury; Us Or The Hatchet?
(excerpts from a song that i thot i'd alter to fit my situation)

I think you know what I'm getting at.
I find it so upsetting that, the memories that you select:
you keep the bad, but the good you just forget.
and even though I'm angry, I can still say:
I know my heart will break the day when you peel out and drive away.
And all this time I never thought, that all we had would be all for not.

No, I don't hate you.
don't want to fight [with] you.
know I'll always love you...

Make your decision and don't you dare think twice.
go with your instincts, along with some bad advice.
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all.
you blame me, but some of this is still your fault.
I think you know what I'm getting at:
[if] you say goodbye, I just don't want you regretting that.

and wisdom always chooses these black eyes and these bruises,
over the heartache that they say never completely goes away.
I just can't believe this happened.
and one day we'll see this come around.

what happened to us?
i heard that it's me we should blame.
what happened to us?
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way?

and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight [with] you
and know that I'll always love you...

changedfish....

i had the notion that you'd make me change my ways and my bad habits would be gone in a matter of days.
i had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real, but what if i ripped your heart apart at the seams, maybe then you'd know how i feel