i talk too much
you're sitting there thinking- uhm duh.
but really, it's a problem. i kid myself, i dismiss it telling myself that what i'm saying is worth while, that i'm not just spouting off nothing but i'm actually saying something- and ok so maybe that's the case, SO WHAT, it doesn't excuse the fact that i talk entirely too much.
i act like i invest in people's lives, but i don't think i do. i somehow think that if i reciprocate their questions and every so often ask how their day was, send an email telling them that i appreciate them that that is investing in their lives, that i'm loving them- i'm not.
i sent jessica an email the other day and told her that i think that the better i know people the less i invest in them, it seems that the closer i get to people the more i pull away.
and that's truly part of my excessive noise problem. honestly i shove all my thoughts out there, i tell you all what i'm like and what i think so that you won't push past that, so that you'll accept me at face value, and because i talk so much people kind of figure that they know me well, the feel like there's not much i must have hidden from them, but like i was telling chris today it's those that push past that whom i feel really love me. those that notice that it's a front, those that don't accept what i give them but push to know more- i really do appreciate that. at the same time i feel that people see me strictly as a conversationalist. you know i feel that my love language is acts of service? yes, surprisingly enough i don't feel that talking is love i feel that actions are love..tell me you love me and i'll believe you but show me you love me and i'll feel it.
people look at me and think, wow she's so confident, so secure..well they're wrong, i have just as many if not more insecurities and self-conscious thoughts as the rest of you, i'm just unconventionally insecure. you know there's more to being shy than not saying anything, sometimes the best way for a person to be shy is to have that word vomit tendancy- is that not true for some of you? that when you're feeling nervous you just can't help but ramble and giggle? i rest my case.
stefanie and i have this theory (usually we talk about it in relation to boys but i feel that it's universal) that you know you are comfortable with that person when there are no awkward silences but there are silences still. if any of you have ever experienced me in a comfortable silence- a quiet car ride, a thoughtful moment in the living room- a time when i'm quiet but not because someone else is talking or because i'm preoccupied but when we're truly just in a quiet moment..if you've ever been there when i'm like that, consider yourself one of my best friends, i mean that- don't take that lightly, i'm not saying it's some kind of compliment i'm just saying it's true. sometimes stefanie and i would sit in her room, sometimes listening to music, sometimes not, for like half an hour without saying anything, we'd ride in the car all the way from palo cedro just enjoying being together (no we're not gay, shut up) it's those moments that i cherish, not all the loud moments, not the moments when everyone is in stiches laughing (though i enjoy that too) but it's the moments when it seems as if the world is quiet that i love most in life.
so why do i talk so much? why can't i stop? why do i continue to dominate conversations? why do i perpetually chatter? i really don't know how to stop. it's not one of those things where i stare innocently at you with puppy eyes and say "oh i didn't know" i'm fully aware i have this problem but it's just the cure i cant' find- it's the same problem with my volume...oh man, how many "talks" have my mother and i had about how loud i am, about how harsh my tone can be, well i dont' do it on purpose, i just don't hear it HONEST, i don't know how loud i am and i dont' notice myself talking so much, somehow it just seems like the conversation is moving smoothly, but then it's comments like "BREATHE MEL" or "wow you sure talk a lot" that make me feel so instantly ashamed...it's so annoying- i dont' like it about myself, i'm not like proud of my affinity for always having a comment. people at times claim to enjoy my way with words- they act as if it's interesting to them, but you know what's interesting to them? the fact that someone can talk that long and loud and not come up for air- the fact that someone can put THAT many words together at one time....that's not fun for me y'all.
i don't know why this plagues me so much, somehow i think it's one of the gifts God has given me but at the same time i just feel so alienated by it, i feel like there's no appropriate venue, i don't know what this "gift" is FOR, i don't see it's purpose, instead all i see is the curse side to it...i guess that just how it is, you can't always see the alternative
changedfish- out to PACL
