Buck up fella

ok so i know i'm a creeper, but i have this thing where i don't like people that i enjoy the company of to be unhappy and i don't really know how to fix things ever (me and tact are not friends) so i usually just begin smothering them until i feel that awkward tense moment where i realize that they're creeped out or until they tell me to stop or until it works and they feel better- as you can see that is a 1 in 3 chance at best that my smothering plan will work and let me just say that i doubt if the odds are truly that favorable, i've been smothered before...not great.
anyhow so, i've realized this pattern in myself and i'm wondering if this is a self-destructive move that i need to remove from my list of defense mechanisms (though i suppose it's more of an offense mechanism- or an offensive mechanism if you want to shoot for a humorus title). and when i say self- destructive i simply mean that it can't possibly be good for me or my social relations to simply attach myself to those who seem to be hurting. and it's worse when i don't knwo the person very well, i mean then i have no chance of guessing what style of compassion they need so i just try all sorts of things. apparently my friendship making skills aren't really that great, i start out by acting like we've known eachother for decades and then once i've known them a while and am suitably comfortable i then backtrack and begin the calmer friendship building activities like asking about parents occupations or school mascots. i mean it seems to be working ok, but i fear i frighten people at first (and not just cuz i'm insecure...cuz they tell me i do lol)
well, that's really all i was thinking- i watched gilmore girls tonight (crazy things going on in that life by the way) and so i'm typing really fast and thinking really fast and have all these witty things to say rolling around in my head...it's an odd side effect but one i thourally enjoy.

cheer up sport,
changedfish

summer's almost over and i didn't even realize it started...


i've loved this summer, being home this summer has been great. i know that i don't always blog the most positive things, especially abotu home and family or whatever but truly i'm happy, i really am. and my family's been great. i just have this thing about blogging when i'm in serious moods and not goofy moods because who wants to sit down and write when they've got energy, but that ends up giving the wrong impression- you'd think i was artsy or something (you know how people can be fun adn silly but when they do somethign artistic it's all of a sudden dark and moody?)
anyhow, camp took a while to sink into this year. i guess i just was kind of unsure of the material at first and was so distracted with my internship and not being where i knew i wanted my heart to be that i just couldn't get into the mode of it. but these last few weeks have been amazing. my friend had a hard time one week adn through helping her i just got to spend a whole night with God, just praising Him and praying about everything and it was the energizer i needed (granted i didn't get any sleep, but turns out you don't need sleep as much as the Lord's strength). anyhow from that point on my summer just turned around. jr. high week went great, at first my girls didn't particularly love me because they're snots like all jr. highers are but we ended up having a great week and hopefully they were challenged to make some life changes. then came high school week- wow. well first of all, that weekend i just stepped out on this limb and ended up giving camp bread to this couple under an overpass who were the NICEST, FRIENDLIEST people travelling through our smokey town (did i mention we've had over 200 fires burning continuously in our county since june?) anyhow, for high school camp i kind of ended up in charge of our girls night section of the week but man was that God's planning too. i think He just needed the woman who's normally in charge to realize that He's used her a lot but this year needed to be raw. He had something to say and it definately got said. even if the girls weren't impacted, i know i was. and not only that, that week i had kylee in my cabin, who is the most amazing girl! she had partial brain removal surgery when she was 4 or so because she had such severe epilepsy and let me tell you the only part they removed was the naughty/ mean part. she has so much energy and excitment, her attitude is perpetually sunny, and you should see her face light up when she finds out someone "has Jesus in their heart" she usually squeals and then hugs them : ) she taught me so much about the simplicity of life and the simplicity of humanity. how i dont' need to know all the answers to follow God- that's why i'm FOLLOWING not leading! it made my week harder, due to having to follow her around and help her do everything from showering to picking out clothes, but it was worth it- it teaches the other campers things and she has a blast.

i've said this too much this summer but it's true, God gave me a gift this summer and it came in the form of a friend named Molly. I won't go into much about that because the Lord blessed me though others too- i mean though Grace especially and through karen too, with felicia and bev and jamie and even in darlene's short time with us (sure the boys too but i spend less time with them) it's going to be much harder to leave this summer than i would've thought it would be. i dunno, somehow this summer it's like i finally sunk into the idea of being at home and realizing that i love redding. i adore Cedarville and it's exactly where i've needed to be these past couple of years but i finally think i'll be ready to leave after this year- i'm not ready to be done yet, but i realize now why i'm only there for three...it's time to come home and start life here again.

speaking of coming home again, at the beginning of the summer i had a complete blank sheet of paper for after graduation (and i mean ok so it's only a faint chalk outline now) but now i have a few puzzle pieces. one of my dearest friends that i grew up with was going to move out with a girl who is now getting married so it's real likely that she and i will move out together next spring after i get back and then out of no-where popped National University, a school right here in town that has a masters in counseling psychology program which is designed for those who are working full-time (which i'll need to be to pay rent and for school and stuff) and is an accellerated program which will get me done in 18 months. the best part is there are fewer pre-req's so i don't have to worry as much about my GRE scores and stress out about admissions essays and stuff- i mean they're not just going to let me walk in and sit at a desk but i'm much more relaxed about this coming year now that i know that i can just be me and still get more education. not that i'm some education freak but i just think it's smart to be prepared and to have enough education that if, may God-forbid, something were to happen where i needed to support myself or where i didn't get married or where whatever happens in life, because it's unpredictable, i could support myself.

well so anyhow, it was a phenomenal summer and i'm sad to see it be over- i leave in less than a week to start driving back to school, and i'm really excited about that, i've started packing and all, but still it seems awfully rushed- i just got here and all.

changedfish- big to-do list tomorrow...apparently every moment counts when you have a lot to do in a small amount of time : )