i think that God uses other people and repetition to tell me things. generally if i hear the same idea many times over from people it finally gets through my thick skull and i start to pay attention. i dunno that's how i payed attention to psychology and abstienence and why i did this lent thing in the first place and now again. so many people keep asking me what i'm learning from all this, now granted i don't ahve to answer them yet because i'm still within my 40 days but what happens when it's over, what am i going to answer? what will my tag line be?
throughout this whole time i'm astonished by how big of a deal it is to OTHER PEOPLE and how small it seems to ME. and i don't know if that's a good thing, keeping me humble and less frustrated, or if it's a bad thing. i mean i feel like this could've been (and still can be) life changing and yet when it's over i just don't see msyelf being that different. that's annoying y'all. i feel like what i've learned is that God didnt' create me to be a quiet person, and it truly has shown me how many people care about me and do appreciate what i have to say- which is encouraging because i am plagued with a fear of being obnoxious, i always view myself as being 70 decibels above tolerable but somehow a common repeated phrase is that people are looking forward to hearing my voice again (imagine that!) or that people really miss me talking. it's that whole absence makes the heart grow fonder thing i guess cuz i just dont' think very many people would've thought they would miss my voice prior to this whole experiment.
but back to the point i was originally trying to make- what have i learned. how can i come out of this and just shrug my shoulders? i said i was doing this so i'd learn to listen, so i'd learn to let others take main stage- have i done that? even in my silence i can shove my way to center stage with the best of them. i always begin with this wonderful vision of the potential of situations and i guess i shouldn't say that those things don't happen because they were unrealistic because all things are possible and maybe i just get in the way but i dunno, so many times the idea i have in my mind doesn't end up happening and i think i'm good at communicating the dream but then when it doesn't pan out i just accept it and move on. that doesn't make sense but eh.
i just feel like somehow i've become some kind of quasi role model throughout this whole thing adn i dont' want to be a bad mentor and i wish i could lay it out and say that i'm totally changed and there are a zillion things that i learned adn that i will forever more be observant of the smallest whisper but it's just not like that. i hate to disappoint, i've enjoyed my silence, it's been a totally different experience for me but i can't romanticise (how would you spell that) it as more than it is. maybe in the next week it will flip my life around but i just don't see that.
i feel like i took too much control of it, i tried to communicate too much, i didn't change my mind along with my actions but i guess i just figured that it would be one of those if you don't want to do something do it anyway and you'll end up liking it or whatever that principle is like how when you're in a bad mood if you smile when you dont' feel like it, it'll still make you happy. well i guess i figured that if i just stopped talking then i would stop preparing htings to say and maybe i'd listen better and maybe i wouldn't try to gain attention...i believed in the domino effect i believed that i am happier when i smile so maybe i'd have a quieter mindset if i acted quieter. and maybe i'll surprise myself but i just feel so much the same inside. if anything i'm more depressed when i can't talk to people as much, i don't laugh as much, i feel less supported, and i try harder. the things i miss the most are being able to ask people how they are and what they're doing and how their break was and how i can help them out, i miss being able to ask questions in class and i miss being directly addressed instead of being referred to in the third person to those around me and yeah, i miss being able to make people laugh. i feel like when i'm not talking sometimes it makes things more about me but it depends on the person. i think people closest to me, especially those who truly understand why i'm doing this, just kind of ignore it and talk to me anyhow- i like that- sometimes they joke about my condition and put words in my mouth or misinterpret my motions but for the most part they dont' treat me like a martian. then there are those who just look at me like i'm fragile and useless adn they dont' knwo what to do with me, those are often (though not always) the ones that feel like they can't talk when i can't. those are the most humorus responses, when others give a thumbs up because i did, or when people start to motion or write down their responses, it's best when they catch themselves doing it and laugh. there are a few people that i still don't think know that i'm not talking which is fun, i mean if i can communicate non verbally well enough that people don't even realize i didn't say anything that's just funny haha there are also a lot of people that think i have bronchitis or something, and another group that doesn't know what lent is (or think it's a person or a dare of some sort) - i guess you could say that i'm at least more observant, maybe i'm not a better listener but i'm at least paying better attention, does that count?

my thoughts are jumbled and it's late and i need to shower still so i'm out.
maybe the lesson is yet to come- changedfish