the topic of conversation

so i was noticing as i partied on at the roller rink last nite, that that topic of most teen conversation has to do with the following: the opposite sex, sex, alchohol, drugs, parties....even in clean crowds, generally we're talking about the reasons we don't do those things or the people who do, or how stupid it is or this one time when da-da-da-da-da. not that this is neccasarily a bad thing, i mean it's what's on our minds, and if we're going to express our utter disgust for those that choose to participate in these illegal acts then i suppose that's positive peer pressure not to..but generally i feel out of place w/these topics, u see i tend to be a bit oblivious to the world around me, especially in these areas, for instance when some one is drunk or high i tend not to notice, or if a couple is having sex i'm usually the last to come to that conclusion, so when i hear people around me bringing these topics to the surface and w/o meaning to educating me in the part of the world i'm quite ignorant about i wonder, i mean is it wrong to talk about these things if we don't do them, and aren't speaking of doing them...i doubt it, i mean saying "wow they got drunk, that's soo lame" doesn't seem bad, but on the other hand it's like we're gossiping about those other people, naming names type thing, about who does what, when really it's not directly our business....and sometimes i think well maybe if i know they're doing what they're doing i can help them realize it's wrong, but yea right, because most people aren't goign to stop what they're doing because i say it's wrong, not that i can't try and explain it to them..but being as they generally are not or don't claim to be Christian people i can't really take the God standpoint on it, and being as they dont care what i think i can't take the "do it for me" standpoint, adn they prolly could care less what their parents think so really the only people they care about are themselves anyhow so really they're just screwing themselves up for no real reason other than they enjoy it....so there's hardly any helping these people, ti's like thye have to be snapped into it...like if something bad happens to someone that was drunk or if someone gets pregnant or something, then they think about it a bit more before they do it...still most of them will continue this tragic behavior throughout high school and college, and quite possibly the rest of their lives because they will see no conveniant stopping point or reason to find one....so i'm not sure what the answer is, or even what the question is, but maybe y'all should notice the things u talk about most often, is it usually opposite sex oriented? is it often party/drug/alchohol oriented? it probably is, by no real fault of your own, it's just what this society is surrounded with and what is popular conversation these days
changedfish-still into cooties!

SPRING BREAK BABY!

omgsh spring break has be sotally awesome (yea...so + totally = sotally!) and it's only like the 2nd official day! i mean i get until next wednesday off..that's over a week more! score! and i've been having fun despite the fact that the majority of my friends and aquaintances are off in another place (and often another country). but i think that's been good for me, forces me to hang out w/those i don't hang out with as often...i went out for em's birthday and i've even gone to the pool hall (which was a first) and i totally don't suck at it...i'm not really any good, but i'm not horrible i'd say...just jinxed! and i dyed easter eggs...after easter! and i gave lunch to a few dogs (ok so we left the eggs for someone else...they just happened to find them first is all) and i even got asked to prom...so really it's been an eventful spring break already! plus i know that tonite is disco fever skate nite and thursday is a show at simpson university, and shoot the fun times never stop lol now i'm off to pick up my necklace and get my hairs cut and all that jazz...but i love you all for making me get out and have some fun!
changedfish-partying the clean and safe way!

Gotta love Lucy eh?
Friendship:

If you're ever in a jam, here I am!
If you're ever in a mess, S-O-S
If you ever feel so happy, you land in jail, I'm your bail
It's friendship, friendship, just a perfect blendship
When other friendships have been forgot,
Ours will still be hot.
If you're ever up a tree, phone to me
If you're ever down a well, ring my bell
If you ever lose your teeth, and you're out to dine... borrow mine
It's friendship, friendship, just a perfect blendship
When other friendships have been forgate
Ours will still be great.
If they ever black your eyes, put me wise
If they ever cook your goose, turn me loose
If they ever put a bullet through your brain... I'll complain
It's friendship, friendship, just a perfect blendship
When other friendships have been forgit
Ours will still be it.
changedfish-sings along

AHH COLLEGE IS COMMING!

so today i found out that i got accepted into the college connection program at shasta college and i'm totally stoked (yea, im using surfer lingo now!) my friends are going to be there with me as well, at least so far i've heard that stefanie, emily, allie, and kate are all in, and i'm sure there are others! but u no what all of this means...college is comming! AHH seriously that's so scary, i mean i know i have more than a year before i graduate and all but i have to apply in less than a year, which means deciding where i think i want to go, and y'all know i'm terribly indecisive, but actually i've been looking at a few colleges i think i like including, but not limited to: The Master's College, Cedarville, Westmont, Northwest Christian College, Whitworth, and Trinity Western University. however being as i probably won't be leaving california that means probably masters or westmont....which is definately not a bad thing...masters has a communication program with an emphasis in speach, which is exactly what i want, and westmont has a large communications department as well...all of these are private christian colleges that have communications programs so it's kinda hard to narrow it down and i've been having a bit of trouble finding thier specific missions statments in order to see what their beliefs really are...but i have a lot of time...i take my ACT on april 9th- yikes! hopefully i do well on that and then SAT i haven't officially signed up for but that's shortly after...the end of the year is closing in and college is starting to look mighty close, and it kind of scares me. who will i hang out with, where will i go to church, how far away will my family be, all these questions start piling up and it's like what am i going to do! well i know that God's in control so i suppose what more do i need to worry about rite? "what man by worrying can add one day to his life?" that's right, no one, just give it to God dangit! haha....o gosh and then there's the what am i doing for summer issue...cross ur fingers and maybe Mt. Meadow's here i come!!
changedfish-future uh oh!

So what I'm not your average girl
I don't meet the standards of this world
Chasing after boys is not my thing
See, I'm waiting for a wedding ring
No more dating
I'm just waiting
Like sleeping beauty
My prince will come for me
No more dating I'm just waiting
'Cause God is writing my love story
Boys are bad that's certainly not true
'Cause God's preparing one for you
If you get tierd waiting till he comes
Gods arms are the perfect place to run
-ok, so i'm a sucker for Barlow Girl

so travis mentioned this today in sunday school and i thot it was an interesting thing to say so i'm going to ellaborate, so some of this is him talking and some is me and u dont' really have to desifer(i have spelling issues) the differences cuz this isn't legally published and all.
ok so seriously the phrase "falling in love" like doesn't that sound like ur totally jumping off a cliff or something, or suppose u didn't know what the word love meant, it sounds like u tripped and hit ur head on a wall or something...now that sounds painful! ouch!
and u notice that in other languages (ok just spanish because i only know those two) they dont have a phrase "falling" in love, there's just being in love, becoming in love however u really want to phrase it but it's not quite that harsh dropping out of a plane w/o a parachute thing.
and i mean u have to be pretty committed to jumping out of a plane or off a cliff ya no, u don't just do it to see what happens, right? i still maintain that anyone can fall in love, but not everyone is ready to love that person for the rest of their life. marriage takes work, committment, a lot more than physical attraction and a few things in common. i mean a dating relationship is like 84% physical 10% emotional and 2% committment..but a marriage is like 2% physical and 98% emotional committment...i think that's why they make u go to pre-marital counseling, i mean it's like a qualifying class...sure love is complicated but sharing ur life with someone is so much more than that, it's accepting the good and the bad, all of that person all of their quirks, everything u love about them but also everything that drives u batty about that person, i mean it's not all roses and wedding cake, there's a whole life after that one wedding party, and i think it's going to be so amazing and wonderful, and i'm so glad that i have time to prepare myself for that. i mean think about it, a lot of countries and people in the past and stuff by 16 i'd be on my second child and stuff, i would NOT be ready for that...and u know what's ironic about that, i mean seriously can u imagine having ur life mate at the age of 13? probably wouldn't work out right, but back then there wasn't much divorce or anything and now people don't get married untill their late 20's early 30's and their marriages hardly ever work out? waht is this, u'd think they'd be more mature and able to handle themselves...who knows...all i know is that if i know now, that hollywood's wack then i'm better off right? i mean seriously it's not all about losing ur mind to ur emotions, that doesn't work, that doesn't help u survive for the rest of ur life. i don't know, i've never been in love, and to some extent i hope that i don't fall in love until i really am ready to make that committment, i mean once ur at the alter is it going to matter that u had a zillion boyfriends? well actually yes, ur going to wish taht this was the only person u'd been close to because all the other guys won't matter, and ur going to wish u didn't have anything to compare to because then it would feel perfect all the time....so why line up the guys and go through them? why not just wait until ur ready to start ur life? i just don't know..but i do no that right now, it genuinely doesn't matter to me that i'm not in some crazy teenage relationship or that i'm dreadfully single....eh, it suits me!
changedfish, random ramble

Sadies
so despite what anyone else may tell you (and i'm sure they won't because they shouldn't) sadies was a hit. there weren't that many people there, being as we only sold 180+ tickets but i felt taht was an added bonus because that way there wasn't that whole giant crowd orgie thing going on (is it orgy? orgie? hmm...nehow) plus i've decided taht the majority of the people i hang out with are the types of people taht can have fun doing anything and being anywhere, i mean just the dancing crazy, arms flailing, off beat, crazy stuff we do, it's hecka fun! and taking random pictures of cute couples and making fun of each other and ourselves and singing and making up dance moves that no one would be caught dead actually doing but we think are the way best! i love my friends and the people that i get to hang out with all the time, i mean it just makes me soo excited that i have that many wonderful people in my life to make me smile. and even if i dance like a dufus they'll still hang right by my side and smile and when they dance silly they just laugh and shrug and we go on with our lives, because there's nothing in life worth being worried over, i mean why does it matter if we're the best dancer or the worst as long as we're having fun and keeping it clean, i mean i look at the people out there trying so hard to look cool and they just look so upset like they're not having any fun, and i remember being like that, and i'm so glad that i'm surrounded w/the kinds of people that aren't seriously putting me down adn are confidence boosting people so i don't feel stupid and can just get down and crazy and not worry about it all. i guess it all breaks down to me repeating over and over how much i love my friends and i'm not going to stop saying even if u want me too because serioulsy they're the greatest people in the world, over-dramatic at times, annoying every-so-often but who the heck isn't,i KNOW i am at times so eh. i figure why fret just let it all go and wear you're hair down! so pretty much thanx guys for making my sadies amazing! i love y'all dearly! "matching shirt" foreva!
changedfish and the gang

ok so my internet has been down for a straight week and of course i couldn't stand that so i wrote this a few days ago, u may read it now!

3-14-05
Sometimes I ask myself...and sometimes people ask me...if it scares me to post my personal life online...like they think I’m stupid for hanging my dirty laundry out for the world to see...doesn’t it scare you? What if people read it? Truthfully...it terrifies me. But I think that’s the whole point- people reading it, I mean I post it online and I tell people the link and I write down my personal thoughts and I do it all for a reason, I want to present myself honestly, no false stipulations, no inaccurate assumptions, the truth for the world to see...I often worry that it will slip into the "wrong hands" as in someone I don’t want knowing all the intimate details of my life...but then I figure, really, who’s hands are wrong? I mean a stranger, well they’re not going to care they don’t even know me, my friends, most of them know everything already this is just a more emotional and flowery way to say what’s been going on with me...my family, well they know a lot as well and heck my sister and I read each others, it’s practically a bonding ritual. Perhaps it’s those people that don’t know all about you but still know you..acquaintances, I wouldn’t want them to think that the things I say here are the only things I think, and yet, I don’t know why that would bug me because if they don’t like what they read well then that’s one less person I have to convince that I really am more normal than I seem lol
my point really is that I don’t want to be judged, and at the same time, I do want to be judged–confused? Well what I MEAN is I want everyone to know me the way I really am, I want them to see me the way I know me and not they way they want to see me, I don’t want them to place high standards and expectations on me if I don’t deserve it but I don’t want them to think poorly of me either, this is my life, this is the way it is, the good the bad and the emo basically haha which brings me to another point (don’tcha love those gateway topics) music, now u may say emo’s not music, but that’s not the point, the point is music is next on my mind.
I suppose music has always been a big thing in my life, from the time I was born or even before, until now it’s always been in my house and all around me. My parents felt it was important for us to have rhythm (Because they desperately lacked it) so we started listening to Rafee and Red Grammar tapes before we understood the concept of tapping our feet. I don’t think it was a conscious decision of theirs, they just liked music and we liked music and it just sort of happened that way, and I’m glad, because I have an ear for music and tend to tap my feet to the tempo and sing on key, that’s a bonus for those close to me because I sing all the time, and even though it’s usually not very pretty, at least I’m not completely tone deaf, think about it guys, it could be worse! And now it seems that those closest to me, friends wise, are music addicts, and know everything there is to know about the music they’re into, I’ve been educated about more bands in the past year than I have all my life, and I took 9 years of elementary school choir, so that says a bit. I think it all goes back to my attraction to passion, I mean musicians, and their music, it’s just so full of passion, of emotion, and raw feelings, I don’t know but there’s just something about that passion that draws me in and gets me hooked, I can’t stand music if it’s half-hearted or just flung out there, I want to hear and feel what you were feeling when that song was born ya no, I mean that’s what music is all about, the lyrics and the notes have personality because a person wrote them from the heart, that’s just so amazing to me...I always wished I was instrumentally inclined so that I could express myself through song, but unfortunately 6 years and a lot of piano lessons and I can still barely read music. I used to love to sing, that was my emotional outlet for many of my growing up years, but well long story and many doctors later and that’s not happening anymore, so now all I can really hope for is listening to someone else’s expression and my writing...kind of ironic I think that as much as I love to talk and as much as I love to sing, writing is my outlet..and humor, that’s my coping mechanism..but I’m not really that humorous so that just kind of comes off as awkward. Maybe one of these days I’ll try to actually express my emotions AS EMOTIONS...hahaha yea right, not gonna happen! I just doubt I’ll ever be one of those weep openly, scream at my kids in public, dance in the street, heart on my sleeve types...it’s just not me, I’d rather bottle up my emotions, slap on a smile, and speak loudly, what’cha think? Good? Ok!
This has gotten lengthy enough, I’ll cut off now, but I suppose the only reason I wrote this was because I was thinking about how I posted my private blog publically now and I wanted you all to know that I didn’t do it for fun, I did it so that I wasn’t hiding anything, I want to be as straight forward and honest as possible, I try my best to put forth a positive representation of myself but often times that requires leaving out the fine details and I want y’all to know those details I’m too shy to say.
Changedfish

comming out of the closet---but not like that

ok, so i know i've mentioned i have a private blog, but my reason for having it has sorta blown over so...i'm gonna post the link on this site, because anyone who actually cares and goes there can read it if they want..it's more detailed, uses names, and specifics, but that's how i was doing it when it was private, i dont like being private anymore so i'm going to "come out of the closet" with all of it...and i know not that many people read this anyhow so it's not really an unveiling just sort of an informative thing...do as u want but it's [removed 2/18/08]and it starts back in january and dates up till today....viewer discresion is advised or wutever but yea...much love, don't judge just understand, i know u all do!
changedfish-revealed


[there were times when i was much more open about my past and what's in it, these days i'd like to protect the innocent so i removed the link...sorry but i felt it was best]

Those who talk fast-think faster!

I may not have found the one I'll love for all my life- but I have a life and I love it!

changedfish-sayings for the life i live

High School Relationships are like Junk Food

• you don't need them but you crave them
• they're unreasonably priced
• they seem great now, but u pay the price later in life
• they are over quickly
• they make u examine ur body
• they're comforting, but superficial
• they make u feel good but don't solve ur problems
• some people seem uneffected while others are plagued with them
• not everyone has them or needs them but they're everywhere
• (or as some say)"you can pick any item off the dollar menu and save some money, but whats worthwhile has been in ur kitchen cupboard all along"

i couldn't think of that many so u'll have to help out tell me why u think high school relationships are like junk food (comment)

i hate that feeling when u have too much to do that u don't even want to start doing anything becuase it's so overwhelming, i mean last nite i had a zillion and three things i needed to do and i ended up doing absolutely nothing, and it's boggling to me how i can spend my entire evening being busy all the while getting nothing productive done, and now again tonite i've been sitting at this computer staring at a pretty blank screen for 20 minutes trying to think of what to write down and i just can't think!! i'm so bogged down and there's no sign of relief anytime soon! i mean i need to finish my essay for my camp application becuase if i don't turn that in this week i'm in major trouble and danger of not getting a job there this summer but i just can't think of any angle to come at to write...i mean i'm supposed to write about my christian experience and how i'm growing in my walk with the Lord, and u'd think that'd be an easy topic because i love that topic but it's just i don't want to write the wrong thing! i really want to counsel there this summer and i'm afriad i'll blow it early on and not get a chance, and i know that if it's God's will that i be there that i'll end up there but it's just nerve wracking adn then there's my college history class that i'm supposed to be doing this "guiding questions" for but i haven't really kept up on them as much as i should have and he gives us a chance to turn them in early so that he can pre-grade them and he'll be easier on us but being the procrastinator that i am i'm not really going to be able to use that privilage because tonite is the last nite of the pre-grading thing because all 5 are due next week and the week after that is our mid-term YIKES! i've never really had a college mid-term because my other classes were so easy and no-sweat, but this is serious and i hate myself for not working as hard as i should have outside of that classroom...i knwo how much wiggle room i have in my high school classes but this is such a different environment and if i can't handle this one class how would i survive college connection next year? i mean i want to be able to go into that interview and be confident that they want me for their program but i'm afraid that i'll fail at it...that would just be crushing! and then my car is on the fritz so i keep having to take it in everyday and that's been quite the issue for my car-pool kids, htey really appriciate bussing it after all this time of riding with me, but i suppose they don't care too terribly much. i don't know i just think i've been TOO busy lately, what with my class, youth group, and small group on weeknites and then there's all the social stuff on weekends that i enjoy doing...it's just one of those lame things that happens because now i feel like if i ever get a spare second rather than jumping up and doing some of the work i desperitely need to get ahead on i end up taking a nap or calling a friend or something, which would be worth while investments of my time if i had a bunch of spare time to give away, but truth is i dont....every second is taken by something and if it's not overtaken by things i have to do i waste it with things i don't even want to do but just end up doing...and i'm fully aware that i'm whining right now and i realize that there's nothing that i've said that i really have any reason to complain about because my life is amazing and i have awesome friends that care a lot about me and i have a great family that loves me and everything is going great and there's nothing that i'm going through that's any sort of challenge for God if i can just learn to give all my stress over too him, but maybe that's what the worst of it all is..i haven't had any one-on-one time with God lately and i know i'm slipping away from the relationship i once had with him, and that scares me, becuase if i'm going to be representing my church and my faith up at camp i should really be secure and confident in my faith...but i suppose that's also half of what i'm looking forward to about camp is the other people that are going to be there to help me and there's bible studies and devotional time and all and i think that's the best place to get away from all the junk i get myself into being so in the world and just detach myself adn concentrate on what i really need to be concentrating on....it's just such an important time in my life, sat's r comming and i have to start looking at colleges and asb junk and school and youth group and all these things just keep piling up and no matter how on-task i sometimes appear i'm really drowning in all the red tape of life!
changedfish-fed up and hungry