wow all, im off to the lovely sandy beaches of Cancun, Mexico, for those of u who don't know where that is...im sorry for u...its in Mexico...i've never been but i'm looking forward to it, and it's gonna b just me and the fam, which isn't the peachiest but it'll do. i'll b gone a lil over a week i'll b there a week but we're taking time in san fran wen we're going and comming back and stuff, cuz that's where we're flying out from....A PLANE, a plane boss, the plane! that's gonna b fun too! altho long, but i don't mind, cuz it'll only b my second flying vacation that i've been able to like walk and talk and stuff for...the other time i went on a plane was this November, but it was only like an hr. flight, so this is different! im gonna have fun, get a tan, and who knows meet some hott young stud (not likely but hey a girl can dream eh?)anyhow, have fun w/o me and i'll b back soon luv, changedfish

wow, wen it's over it's over. i should no that, i should realize it, but im not good at over, i get rutines going, habits started, then things r over, and i don't get that, it's over? u may wonder wuts over, and no it's not christmas that i mean, and no, it's not a relationship persay, and no, u prolly won't ever no wut it actually was...all that im saying is, it's done, finished, over. things i no, change, things i no, r never the same, but sometimes it's weird wen things r over. i mean, sometimes u don't know wut to do? like, things u used to do...do u still do them...r u supposed to stop? it's just weird, there r really no rules set out for u, things rn't black and white, and wut if it starts again, and it's not so over anymore, then do things become like they were, or do u start fresh? all these questions and i fear there r no answers for me....so i'll think about it...by myself...alone...but happy...rite?
peace to all, changedfish

i am jello!
i've come to the strange conclusion that i am jello!
y u may ask? welp, becuz im just plain jello-y, im never firm on things, i try to b, really i do, i try to stick up for myself and others, i try to stay w/my principles and decisions, i try to b stubborn and pompus, but...well... it's just not me, it's like, just wen i make up my mind about something, or someone, some unexpected thing happens and i cave in, i change my mind. I AM JELLO! i should learn to b firm, i should b able to hold my mold, but truth is, im not even jello, i'm like pudding, i don't even hold shape, i look like i do, i seem to have firmness and texture, but really, i don't. people think (esp. my mom) that i have these high standards that i uphold so well, that i don't give in to anyone, or anything, but she's wrong, she doesn't know me, she know's nothing about me, she's not as observant as she seems to think, she really is quite blind about most things, i mean, ya she believes wut i tell her for the most part, and that's good, she trusts me and all, but she doesn't know me, and she doesn't see me, or how i am, or what my friends r like, even who i hang out w/. i mean i know it's gotta b hard for a parent to know these things, and i don't think it's a bad thing, i don't think she's a poor mother, i think she's great, but i think she's ignorant, and thinks she knows more than she does...she likes the innocent bit she's living, like i think she knows wut my sister and i do, but it's like she never says she does, and i don't think somethings she would approve of, but she never really protests, she just acts like she doesn't know any better.....WUTEVER, wut do i no? im jello! have a wonderful holiday season, changedfish

The best thing about christmas is the first six letters
well, finals r over! party time!!! no more school!!!PARTY!! (ya no, or not) actually, i like school, and now that i don't have any, welp, i dunno wut to do, i can only clean my room so often, and do only so much laundry, and write so many "exciting" emails, before i realize wut a loser i am, and colapse and go to bed, but once that cycle is finished, then i'll b fun, happenin and all that jazz. so ya...if u have something fun to do...lemme no, and if im not busy (which is pretty likely) then i'll b there! im not into bad stuff tho hehe, anyhow, im really bored and i gotz nothing to say as usual, so i'ma lift off now! byby, changedfish

"God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow, sun without rain,
but He did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears, and light for the way."
and yet once again i have nothing too great to say, and still i feel compelled to write, it's like a part of me now, to let u all know how i am, how im doing and all, it's some crazy twisted compulsion i have, i dunno wut it's about, but i guess, wen i'm happy i have nothing to say, and wen stuff's screwed up, i have soo much to say, but it isn't really as important as it seems, so who knows y i write it down anyhow, i don't think before i talk and i guess it carries over to my typing, cuz i don't really think about wut i write either, as u can see im sure. but ya, boyz r strange and life is good, and finals r starting and breaks almost here, which means semester's almost over, and well, gosh darn im just wonderful if u ask me, i wasn't feeling extremely peachy today, but now, now that im home, and it's just me, to myself and my own selfish whims and my christian radio station, welp, im content and i'm extraordinarily happy!! this entry is about nothing, but really all of mine r about nothing basically so this isn't anything new for u. 'sides, i spend more time worrying about wut i am going to say, or wut i did/do say, that it's not really worth it!!! changedfish

Semi-Formal
WOW! that was soooo much fun!! im sooo glad i went! ya i think it'da been a lotta fun w/a date and all, but i still had fun. a buncha my friends came over for dinner before hand so that we didn't have to worry about going out (esp. cuz we don't drive) and then i had girls come over afterward as well, so i now have the "party house" (or not actually, but i can imagine)
pretty much everyone had a fun! and it was really enjoyable to get to dress up, and ya no, wear makeup and all (cuz i don't do that on a regular basis) and ya, i seriously danced off like 5 lbs.!! and...well ya, it was just really great, all my stress over this whole thing seems so lame now, cuz everything turned out so great, and i didn't regret any of the night...things were just fairy-taleish and all, so thanx to everyone who made me go!! changedfish

i have nothing shocking to say today, i really never do, but at the moment i was just sitting here thinking how i never see wut other people see. i mean i never see me as others do, physically or not, i just plain don't see myself thro the eyes of others. i mean im not saying other people do, but i always think that other people understand how they're veiwed by the world, they know where they stand, where they belong, and altho i know it's not true, its just wut i seem to think.
it's like u no how, some days people keep saying u look good, and ur just like, wut? i look horrible today, i didn't even take a shower this morning! (well, people don't usually compliment u on those days but ya) u know wut i mean? it's like u never can tell wut u come across as, i never know how i sound to others, sometimes i feel bad, cuz people take me the wrong way, other times it worx in my favor (not often) sometimes the way i say something, sounds like im mad, and people get offended, and sometimes i look like somethings wrong, and nothing is. other times i appear happy and im not. im not saying people r bad at reading me, i think i'm bad at conveying my feelings correctly, the way i do things just doesn't match up. i dunno, if i knew, then i wouldn't spend all this time typing this out...obviously! anyhow, catch ya later, changedfish

wow
wen the stress is gone all ur left w/is emptiness! i seem to b quite the complainer, especially wen it comes to stress, but i've realized, that that's all my life is...busyness. so y complain? y try to rid myself of it? if it's wut i do well, if it's wut makes me happy...y try to rid myself of it? i mean, it's like my life has no real purpose anymore, it used to, i used to b totally on God, all the time, that's wen i was soo happy, and it's not that im not happy now, it's just that im distant. i mean, it seems like wen i have down time, wen things r dull, i have nothing at all to do, and rather do wut i need to do, rather than spend that time w/God, i find something insignificant to do (actually really, i end up spending time on this hunk of machine) strange that my life is so on and off, im a light switch, really! its like wen im on, i give it my all, and im all over, doing everything i can, doing my best, but wen im off, i don't have a job, and it's awfully dark. i can't stand dark, dark makes me think of evil, of life w/o God of scary scary times. and light, well light is luv and happiness, and comfort, it's God, right there, next to u. it's funny, no matter how distant i become, he's always there, it's not like i left, or he left, we just don't say much, i try to ignore him, but he'll always b there, waiting for me. no matter wut, i always come back, no matter wut i think is more important, i always no its really not, and everytime i think that i no best, he puts me right back in my place and really...that's the best times, wen im humbled, wen i realize how much i need him...wen i think about wut my life would b like w/o that relationship. it'd b pretty dull, pretty sad, depressing and dark. i luv my music, i luv my family, but it's that agape luv that is for the Lord, unconditional, everlasting, pure love,
ya, i'll do other things, ya, i'll luv other people and things, ya, things'll get bad and good, but he never changes,no matter wut, no matter how much the world around me changes, no matter how much i change, he doesn't, he's the same for eternity past and eternity future. and that's how i like it
changedfish

I found something out about myself recently, something strange that i really never knew i did. i over-react, now those of u who know me, also no that im extremely loud, and vibrant and at times a bit over-excited, and maybe u noticed that i do that, but i sure never did, it's only wen i calm down and think that i realize how weird i was. Things happen and im just plain stupid, i take things in a weird way, sometimes im happy, sometimes mad, sometimes big things don't even phase me, but small things, those are wut get me, some how i just over-analyze everything untill it turns into a big deal, that it's not. anyhow, i've been so over-stressed lately that i haven't had time enough to think things thro, but last nite i did some major thinking, (mainly bcuz i had THE MOST STRESSFUL day) anyhow, each day this week has been busy, crammed, stressful, and confussing, and surprisingly, altho today was about the busiest day yet, i was really calm and collected becuz i'd had my thinking time. u guyz really don't care, i no, but if u really didn't care, then y r u still reading? exactly, i no that SOMEONE out there cares enuf about me to want to know more about me, and how my mind worx, so if u've stayed tuned this long, i just want to say, thank you, and that im glad that u actally bothered to try and figure me out, maybe u can tell me more about me, cuz i sure don't get me. and now that i've confused u once again, i'd just like to let u no that i appreciate u, and everyone else in my life, life's tuff and i've had a LOT of help, so anyhow, thanx, changedfish

alright, i no, it's country lyrics, but it sorta has the general theme of wut im thinking/feeling at the moment, just generally, that i think ignorance really is bliss, and sometimes i wish i just plain didn't know any better. its not that i want to live in the dark, but sometimes things u find out, even if they seem like good things, are things u actually wish u didn't know
country song that is for me right now:
I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then
I wish I could start this whole thing over again
I'm not sayin' it's you could never be true
I just don't wanna know how it ends
You'd still have my heart in the palm of your hands
I'd still look like a fool in front of your friends
Yeah I wish somehow I didn't know now what I didn't know then
changedfish

LIFE'S WEIRD!!!
u no how u do something, bcuz at the time it was wut u were feeling, or bcuz u thot it was wut u wanted, and then later u think, "u idiot!! that was sooo stupid, u just screwed urself over" u no how u do that? ya, well i seem to do it a lot, and only w/certain people. it's like if it really matters to me, i'll screw it up, but if i don't care then i do everything rite, y is that? that just plain sux!! i mean esp. wen things come back to bite u. i mean if u say or do something retarded and no one really notices or says anything, but u just feel stupid, then it's ok, but wen it comes back at u, and it was by far not the rite thing, or not wut u meant, or not practical bcuz wut u were feeling then isn't how ur feeling now, and u wish u could take it all back, but u no u never can bcuz people remember then it just kills u.
most of u won't have any idea wut this is about, but if the person who does, reads this, then i'm glad, cuz im just sooooo screwed up and confused about just everything and the things i said rn't wut i really wanted, and i wish u didn't read those things and it's not that i wasn't thinking it, but i don't really believe it!! so, ya, that's all the weirdness u get to endure today, changedfish