Hug the way you love

Sometimes loving people is the only gift you'll ever give them.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

for everything there is a season...get it?

things change
life changes
let things go

friends are gained
friends are lost
let people go

hearts break
hearts mend
let love go

destinations near
destinations far
let journeys go

you've loved me
you've hated me
let me go

vast dreams
shallow dreams
let illusions go

too young
too old
let mortality go

for everything there is a season...a time to dance- changedfish

Thursday, February 23, 2006

for the love of my life, mi vida
i was sitting here about to write and stef says "write about me on your blog" and so i thought well, what else was i thinking about writing about anyhow? i might as well make it a stef shrine."
actually i thought about having a stef blog a while back but you know, i didn't. cuz i'm a psycho and generally start blogs just for specific people (ok for guys, that's right i'm a crazy staulker that should be put in a hall of shame, i write about boys) and since stef doesn't have an email address and doesn't ever write in her own blog (i think she forgets she has it) i thought i should open one for her, because it's just crazy how often i'm sitting at home doing something and i think "i wish stef heard that" or "omgsh i need to tell stef about that" or "where's stefanie when i need her?" so i thought it would be a good home base for all of that, then i realized that she'd prolly check it quite seldomly and the posts would be old and not so much on the funny side anymore and so instead my idea was, i should keep a stef list, a list of all the things i have to tell her, like when i find out a funny anecdote about a person or a name-drop or something, i could write it down so that i would remember to tell her...but i never did that, i just make mental notes, and then forget them promptly. it actually happened to me just this morning, i KNOW there was something i was supposed to tell or give to stefanie and i have NO IDEA what...i don't even remember if it was something of hers i have and need to return or if it was something i needed to tell her- i just remember needing her last night and knowing she wasn't going to the skate night so i wouldn't be able to tell her...it was probably something about me being the fat spice or something
which by the way, to change the subject last nite was the roller skate nite for my college connection, it was actually surprisingly fun, i mean not that i thought it would be a flop or anything, it was the best two dollars i've spent in a long time, but i was just kind of shocked at the turn out, i thought only a few people would show up but like half the group was there, it was prolly a good money maker, ok or at least i hope we came out even. my homeroom was the 90's so we had the entire spice girls posse present, i got to be sporty spice, being as she actually wears clothes a lot of the time and cuz my name is mel c and her's is as well..but then i decided i was also the fat spice because the other girls that did it with me were like the chairpersons of bean poles annonymous...not that i minded too much i mean all i had to do was wear warm ups and a tank top so how much is really expected from the fat spice?

moving on completely, shoot i haven't written in a while and now i just can't stop, i'm sorry, your allowed to skim/zone out/stop reading, or whatever.

college, you'll all be happy to know i now have all my applications in and finished and got an acceptance from whitworth (in spokane) though i highly doubt i'll go there, they don't mention much about God in any of their brochures or anything and it's like the people who teach there are christian but the people that go don't have to be and i don't want to sound uber closed minded or anything like non-chistians shouldn't go to college, but that's the whole point of me applying to these ultra conservative schools, i want to go to a private college where all the people believe the same things i do, and then i can return to the real world and do as i please you know, i mean i don't see the huge deal with me wanting to spend some of the most formative years of my life in an environment where i will be supported and uplifted and nurtured and all of those things i mean i want to feel like i have the stongest faith i can have when i go out into the "real world" and not feel like i've spent my college years struggling to stay grounded while being blown about in all directions, i just don't see how that's going to help me reach people when i'm not totally sure even what i believe about some things. for me to go to public school would be fine, i mean i'm not knocking public education, heck i've been a public school kid since kindergarten, why stop now eh? but if i have the opportunity to minor in bible i get upset that people think i shouldn't do so. people think i'm being closed minded or that i'm hiding in a tunnel or not escaping my bubble but that's just the thing, i've been outside of my fish bowl so long i scarcely remember what it feels like, the way it smells or how it feels to be surrounded with just those people.

next subject (y'all are gonna have to take breaks for food and water the way this is going)
this summer: peace or extirpation as lysistrata would say
i think i'm going up to camp, but i'm not sure, i mean i only filled in last summer so it's not like i have tenure or anything so it's not like there exactly expecting me full time right? except hopefully they are because if i put in all that time and they're not even going to consider me... i highly doubt that for some reason. now here's the dilema: do i want to be at camp full time? i mean that's been like my goal all year, i always talk about being away all summer and camp and how that's the best place on earth (and it is by the way) but it is also my last summer at home and with these people, i mean we're all going seperate places (some across the country-who does that?) and me being away 6 or 7 weeks over the summer, well it doesn't leave much time at home. then there's china..i mean ok so this is a new thing but at church on sunday charlotte jones was telling us about this missions organization she's involved with i think it's footsteps ministries or something like and how she goes to southeast asia each summer and teaches english and other things to the children there, and it just kind of struck a cord with me, she told us that they're doing a week-10 day long thing at simpson this summer where they're bringing the tiawanese children to the states and if i wanted not to go to china then i could do that i suppose. but i mean o my goodness, how amazing would it be to go to china and teach english for three weeks this summer...it's less time away, it's just generally cool, and a great story; and i would just LOVE to do that! problem with that is it costs like two thousand dollars and so rather than making money this summer (when it's needed to fund me in college) i'd be losing it, and i could probably raise some and i could probably get another job if i'm not at camp but taking three weeks off when you've just been hired, kind of a problem....o gosh i just don't know, i mean is it leaving camp in the lurch if i step down? and really do i even want to do that, i mean if i don't counsel this summer i don't know if i'll be able to do it next summer which is what i would want to do! i was thinking that i should send paul an email and just tell him that if he needs me to sub this summer again i would understand but at the same time i am taking this lifeguarding class and i know he needs lifeguards at camp because thus far he's the only one and uh, we have like 100+ kids with one lifeguard,-not exactly ok....so he might want me, but i dont' know that, because camp is like that...
here's the problem (ok there just is more than one problem so i'm going to list them all aight and if i want to say "here's the problem" seven times then so be it) if i want to go to china i have to put in a payment in march and all the money has to be in by april, and knowing paul's schedule with camp and everything i won't prolly know if he even needs me untill march or april so that just doesn't work and i just don't know what to do ok?...if i'm going to have to pay all that money i'd need to start raising it now and if i start raising it now then that means i have to go because other wise it's just stealing or fraud or something so.....any suggestions?

changedfish- and it all comes down to finances...stupid americans

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

THE OLD PHONE
When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.
My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information, please" I said into the mouthpiece just above my head.
A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear. "Information." "I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.
"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.
"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.
"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.
"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."
"Can you open the icebox?" she asked.
I said I could.
"Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.
After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was.
She helped me with my math.
She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.
Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, Information Please," and told her the sad story.
She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?
"She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.
"Somehow I felt better. Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please." "Information," said in the now familiar voice. "How do I spell fix?" I asked. All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.
When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.
As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.
Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.
A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please." Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. "Information." I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying,
"Could you please tell me how to spell fix?" There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now." I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?
"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your call meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls." I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.
"Please do", she said. "Just ask for Sally." Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered, "Information." I asked for Sally.
"Are you a friend?" she said. "Yes, a very old friend," I answered. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.
"Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was Paul?" "Yes." I answered. "Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you."
The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean." I thanked her and hung up.
I knew what Sally meant. Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have you touched today?
changedfish- i can spell fix, f-i-x
PS happy valentines
I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn't want to
I guess it's up to me to find a way to get to you
And I can't see you
Getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And I'm so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shining
And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all this that I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid cause you were so much better than me
changedfish- it's love day in the land

Thursday, February 09, 2006

She greets the day with her hair wet

Does anyone knock when they barge in to beat her down?

Will you come back?

It's all she wants to know

She knows she's part of the problem too

Could she let it go?

It'd take a miracle

So that's what I'm praying for

No one can know just how she feels

She won't use the phone, she's too tired to pick it up

Please don't give up when it's easy

Don't you know that me and Jesus will cheer you on?

He's the only one that will be constantly everything you need

Will you come back?

It's all she wants to know

She knows she's part of the problem too

Could she let it go?

It'd take a miracle

So that's what I'm praying for

i don't live on tisbury lane-changedfish

Monday, February 06, 2006

My Mother
what can you say about such a wonderful woman?
i know it's cheesy to write about ones mother. i realize that at least on some level everyone loves there mother deep down, but somehow i felt that my mom deserved special recognition.
my mom's just a special lady. sometimes i just sit there thinking about the future- hoping that someday i can be one third as amazing a woman, wife and mother as she is.
no, my mama's not perfect, she has flaws like anyone else. but God made her special, yes he did. he made he compationate and he made her sympathetic and empathetic to a fault, he made my mother level headed and logical and he made her patient and humble. my mother loves me like no one else in this world ever will or could. and it almost makes me ache to think about how much she really means to me.
i know as a teenage girl i'm not supposed to like my mom, i'm fully aware that these are the years at which we are supposed to be at eachother's throats, and yes we have our tense moments. but somehow as i get older it becomes easier for us to see eachother as people and not just as family. i mean some days my worst complaint is that she's too darn complimentary...no really, stop laughing it's annoying...my mother has that my daughter is the most amazing thing to walk the earth syndrome, only she tries to hide it...it's practically ridiculous.
i can't do anything, wear anything, say anything without her telling me how proud she is or how much i shine or how intelligent i am, how astounded she is that i've grown into the person i am today. it makes me beam sometimes but mainly it hurts. not in the bad way hurt- the good hurt. the hurt that you feel when you could never love anyone in that moment more than you love her, that feeling that you appreciate her words like they were precious stones. she may be my mommy but she believes in me, she thinks so highly of me i worry. i worry that i won't live up to her expectations, that i'm not as great as she makes me out to be. i'm afraid that one day she'll find me out and realize that i'm not this bursting beam of light that i am in fact human and normal just like every other person my age. sometimes she looks at me in this way that makes me nervous. like she just can't believe that i'm her daughter, like she's so excited inside that she can't contain it anymore and it streams out through her smile and up into her eyes. she thinks i'm beautiful, and that i sing like an angel, she tells me i have presence and that she's shocked by my intelligence, she talks about my future like i have no restraints, like i could climb everest if i wanted and not even gasp for breath. it's like because she's my mommy she's blinded to all ideas of flaws.
i can't imagine being a woman like my mother. i can't imagine anyone loving me as much as my father loves her. i can't imagine raising two girls and having them turn out ok. i can't imagine being as blessed in my life as she has been in hers. but because she believes it will happen for me, i believe it too
changedfish- i know it's not mother's day but it's close enough

Saturday, February 04, 2006

APATHY
You all laugh at me
like I'm not happy
with anything, any time, anywhere
and the half of me's all about apathy
and the other half just doesn't care

I'm well aware that everything
is a far cry from all right
I'm well aware that all of us
can at times, be too uptight and possibly, the remedy
is a dose of apathy
You point your finger at you
I'll point mine right back at me
changedfish- huh, that's interesting

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

you laugh at me, but i cry for you
it's not to late to break you
i cry on bended knee

i couldn't find the lyrics to that song online and being as i dunno who's song that is that's all i could remember..but i loved it and now i won't rest until i figure out who it was and what was said...ok i'll rest, but i won't be happy about it.- changedfish