Looks like you're heading for a crash landing

so my roommate and i prayed together for the first time tonight. that may seem normal if she was a new roommate but this is the 3rd year we've roomed together.
we've been through a lot together and we've prayed with others and we pray for eachother but never together. i think it stems from the fact that prayer is such an intimate thing and i'm such a private person and we just started our relationship off without it but it was a good thing.

why today? because i needed it, i needed her i suppose. i have this thing about always being the strong one- the one who carries everyone- and so admitting that i need another person isn't my thing. but today was just one of those days where i stopped lying to myself. this semester has been marked by an extreme amount of apathy on my part but i like to sweep things under the rug- especially things which are unsavory- and so i did so, but not today.
we were praying for the city cuz it's national day of prayer and a bunch of us from urban min classes or former urban min classes got together and prayed and at the end our prof just set a chair out in the middle of the room and asked if anyone needed prayer for anything. my heart just started pounding and i knew it was me- but my lovely pride doesn't let one such as myself go up in front of others and admit weakness so i sat tight while a handful of other individuals came and sat in that chair, one at a time and got the prayer i knew i so desperately needed for myself. by the time i decided within myself that i was going to go up the prayer time was over and our prof finished in prayer and everyone started to leave. i almost wanted to be like "wait, i need to sit there, and the only reason i need to sit there is because i don't want to, because i hate that i need to sit there." but i didn't.
that started out my day of realization. i realized that i dont' care- i don't care about the city that they all so passionately prayed for, i don't care for the poor and the needy, i don't care for the people at this school or for my friends or my roommate or my family or my classes or anything else. the only thing i care about is the fact that i don't care and that is the one thing that aches. i want so desperately to have this fire and passion that those around me have, i want to care, i want to feel that holy love so near and so real- but i don't. and the kicker is i know exactly where to find it and how to get it, i fully believe that God is faithful and just, that He is powerful beyond all measure, that He gives to those who diligently seek Him but that's the whole problem- i don't wnat to ask. i don't want to humble myself before Him and ask. it's this ridiculous psychic conflict (yes a 10 cent psych major phrase) in which i'm longing to do the one thing that i'm refusing to do- it's quite annoying let me tell you.
i just sat in chapel after that prayer meeting with that feeling you get when you know God's trying to get your attention- He's speaking to you, telling you to listen up, and i did, i did listen.
i realized that there are a zillion people who ask you "how are you" and "what's going on" in a day, and that any answer but "good" "ok" "fine" "not much" are miserable to give because then they feel as if they're supposed to ask you about your life and problems and if you dont' wish to discuss your personal life with aquaintances you should simply fake the happy smile whether you want to or nto- and that was an interesting revelation too because i know i'm the exact person that is who i don't want to talk to, like i am that token perky girl who seems to care but you're not sure if she actually does. and to be fair, for the most part i do genuinely care and feel sympathetic toward others, but truly what good does it do them to tell me why their day was crappy?
anyhow, all of that was before lunch haha, i had a whole off day but then after dinner i got to talk to my roommate about it all and that's where the prayer part came in.
i don't know why i feel as if i always have to carry people. i think it's just the pride that comes with people being able to count on you and choosing to do so often. it feels good when people come to you with their problems or with questions- you feel as if you're special and you know the answers and you have life figured out and i despise the idea of becoming one of the people that come to me for help you know. not because those people are any less than me (more really) but because i don't want to be looked at as fallen, i dont' want to be viewed as having needed others or as not being as perfect as i once was. you know the people i'm talking about, the person that you looked up to and thought was so mature or so grounded or so strong and then they fell and it's like it was a lost battle for you, you feel personally affected and hurt for them having not been as perfect as you thought. we say all the time that we shouldn't depend on others but yet we do, and we do need to to a certain extent, and when we trip they're there to help us up or to keep us from falling but then when that person trips we blame them as if they're responsible for us holding on to them. somehow we're allowed to trip but they aren't because they're our stability. and that's where the turmoil hits home. i don't want to be the one who was carrying the crowd adn then tripped and fell.

that's just the way it looks from where i'm standing- changedfish