Remember When?...

i came across some pictures from when me and my friend hali had done our own super duper "PHOTOSHOOT" like prolly 2 years ago, it may have been like 1 1/2 i can't recall when it was but it was super fun then and i found these and i totally laughed so i thought, i need to display some of these some where...and i was like, myspace? eh naw, that's cheesy cuz there's too many people that put up pictures that look like this- only they're totally serious, and actually i think that may have been why hal's and i took these pictures anyhow so yea...just plain funny...so check these suckers out, this is super model melanie!

i STILL love those shoes and wish they were mine and not hali's!

i have small feet

this is just model-esque to the maximum!

ooh it's the ANGRY EYES!

i like how i have chubby fingers

you can see her in the lenses

same pic as before..but not altered

what could it possibly be? (i like that my jeans are green)

now that's what i call hip action

well...i AM going to university..haha

the shadow gives me muscle

that's my backyard....i like the view a lot!

changedfish-how the years go by...

hug the way you love..but do you love the way you hug?

"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
And if I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.
For we know in part, and we prophesy in part;
but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
When I was a child, I used to speak as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known.
But now abide in faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love."
~1 Corinthians 13
thanx ester-changedfish

I'm supergirl, and I'm here to save the world. But I wanna know, who's gonna save me?

i don't even understand how you can be so immature about this. did i insult you? was that it? was your pride hurt in some way and that's why you couldn't bring yourself to hear what i was saying? did you get so upset because of what you THOUGHT i meant that there was no way you could open your eyes to what i was actually meaning? either way it was childish of you. i'm not angry with you but i'm just in all honesty dissappointed with your reaction. i'm going out of my way to do the right thing here, and yea ok so it benefits me too, but truly i think this is the right step to take and all i get from you is crap? you accuse me of blowing you off? of being picky about who my friends are? you accuse me of having certain friend standards? that's just mean...you know what maybe you thought you knew me and you really don't or maybe i thought i knew you and i really really didn't but come on, this is me we're talking about, since when have i ever turned someone away? i try so effing (that's right i said effing) hard every day of my life to be the nicest person anyone's ever met, i try harder than you'll ever know to make sure people feel included and loved when they're around me, i try to show love to everyone i come across, and for that you say that you don't know me well enough to know if i'm the kind of person who goes around blowing people off? you really must no absolutely nothing about me then...because if what i was doing for you these past weeks wasn't being friendly and kind then i have no idea what you want from the world.
i understand that i kind of handed you a raw end, that i made a decision that effected both of us and i didn't exactly ask for your opinion on the matter but that doesn't mean you have to blow up at me and accuse me of not being a friend. i did this for the sake of what's right and moral and appropriate and i tried to explain that to you so if you don't get that, if you can't understand that it was uncomfortable for me, that i'm not ready for something like that then how can you call yourself my friend? how can you say that you tried to be my friend if you can't even see what friendship is...friendship is doing what's right for that person, whether they recognize it or not, whether they understand or appreciate it or not..so that's what i did and what i'm doing, and i guess if you don't like it or want to think i'm some monster then that's ok but i did what i had to do for me and what i needed to do for you...i'm not old enough, mature enough, educated enough to handle these things and it's quite hard to research a person you barely know so for me to deal with these situations was just getting increasingly harder and i had to tell you that...and i'm sorry that i hurt your feelings or your pride or your idea of what you thought i was, i really am sorry, i didn't intend to upset you that's why i gave you a reason and an explaination why i attempted to talk to you about the situation and my side of this but i guess we both failed this one now didn't we?
since when is blowing someone off talking them out of suicide?-changedfish

you know, it really never hurts to thank a person...
even if you know they know
changedfish

If you find yourself here, on my side of town, I pray that you'd come to my door. And talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about, 'cuz I don't remember anymore...

so i've decided that i actually am the kind of crazy staulker that i hate...well maybe not to the extent that some have staulked me, but still. i mean ok i'm a firm believer that america is far too attached to their cell phones and yet i'm also an avid supporter of everyone having one, because when i try to get ahold of people- well it's a problem haha. i'm also a spokesperson for dsl because seriously whether it's actually as fast as the commercials say it is or not at least it doesn't tie up the phone line haha.....
and after having said all of that i return to my original point that i'm a crazy staulker! ok seriously like a few years ago it would've been no big deal if someone didn't have a cell phone or their line was busy due to internet, but now all of a sudden i'm a stuck up snobby american and i have to call like a million times to check if maybe now the line is open...i'm a lune..someone please shoot me, because seriously it's not even that i want to talk to that person that badly it's more the simple fact that they are unreachable...because honestly most of the time it's not even important it's really the sheer idea of something being impossible..and that's what makes me believe that i'm crazy, because why can't i just let things go...i'm a nut case, though in realizing that i think it takes my insanity down a peg but if i were you i still wouldn't hang out with me...perhaps i should give the crazy people who constantly call me a break, i mean perhaps they were just trying to attempt the impossible or perhaps they were simply trying to get ahold of me and not create that super awkward, creepy vibe...and truly if i'd only had the problem once i wouldn't think twice about it, but it's the repeatition issue that gets me, and so i start to think, what if i, too, am a serial staulker and i haven't even realized it, i mean do i call people too often? do i send too many emails? do people actually wish i would not stop and tlak to them on the way to class?....and while i think that perhaps now i'm just being paranoid and people don't think that hard about my actions because i'm not as important to others as i am to myself, it still looms in the background as that gastly beast that has no face type figure. it's that constant awareness that i should watch myself lest i become pesty...i really do have a fear of coming on too strongly, because i'm fully aware that i have a bit too much personality and VOLUME....and on the other hand i know that a lot of people, esp. when first meeting me, don't seem to notice or mind so....i don't know
i need to get out more-changedfish

All you need is love...
girl talk is good! ya no sometimes the Lord just knows what'cha need haha. tonight i went out to dinner with misha my new friend! (ps i LOVE making new friends!) and seriously like all day we were talking, for like hours, and yet we got together and still talked for more hours and geez louise i just like being a chatty girl with her... i mean with any girl really...i love to talk with girls because it's a different kind of honesty than when you talk with guys, i mean like i'll pretty much be honest and frank with all people but when girls get together it's like this crazy bird-like frenzy that i just can't enjoy more than i already do! oh gosh, and giggling and goggly-eyeing guys (or sometimes the lazer eyes!) it's just what makes being a girl so unique, and sometimes i think that i enjoy hanging out with my guy friends more and heck sometimes i wish i was a guy..but on nights like this, on girl's night out type nights....makes me glad to wear a bra
changedfish-all dolled up, but somewhere to be

love is sweet as summer showers,
love is a wonderous work of art,
but your love ,oh your love, your love
is like a giant pigeon
crapping on my heart.

the only time it hurts for others to be happy, is when you want that happiness for yourself.
sometimes i'm bitter-changedfish

gosh, i love when people are nice to me! like that sounds like a lame thing to say but i'm so serious! i love it most when people are nice to me and they don't have to be, i mean it's not like they're my relative or they're even in my circle of friends type thing but they're nice to me...and yea compliments, i could do with a few of those...seriously, i genuinely appreciate it when people say nice things about me, not for some huge self-serving ego-trip but just because i really get excited when people think nice things about me...ok, so maybe that's cheesy to say, maybe people think i'm a big fat fake, but what do i care, i really get excited about things like that....it's like someone telling me that they enjoy something about me, it just makes you smile and blush and get all giddy because- now be honest- somewhere inside you think highly of yourself too, whether or not you think others think those great things about you, i think we all believe that we have redeeming qualities, i mean i'll never believe that someone honestly feels completely and utterly worthless..perhaps slightly but i still maintain that everyone knows what thier good qualities are, and for someone else to recognize those things in you it just makes you feel worth something, like all your efforts are not in vain i guess...
i don't really know why it matters that all of you know that someone complimented me i mean it just makes me seem totally concieted, but it really made me smile to hear this person tell me that they think highly of me..because i think so much of them!
changedfish- there's two sides of every road

el fin...o este?
seriously, how many times can i thank God for my friends? new friends, old friends, it's ridiculous, i don't know what i would do without the people in my life. college only terrifies me for that reason, but thanking Him also for technology i know i won't be alone when everyone's a phone call or email away.
so in case y'all were wondering i'm officially going to Cedarville in the fall...i'm kinda wigged out about it but really excited, and i'm glad i finally made a decision because i'm all college-talk-ed out! oddly enough i'm only ONE credit short of entering as a sophomore so i'm going to take one over the summer and take care of that...i'll prolly still end up in freshman housing and in all of the first-year activities to get myself settled but it's going to pay off when i finish in 3 years...at 20..that's CRAZY YOUNG! well it sounds that way to me...i have this dreadful fear that i'm going to go away and meet some guy and graduate young and marry young and kind of not get to do the growing and changing i think i should do...so i'm looking into grad-school as well cuz i mean honestly if i work hard i can have my master's by the time i'm 23...
i don't know, the future is something i'd rather not plan out right now, i dont even know what i want to do with my life but it seems that i'll end up majoring in communications with possibly a double minor in bible and business, i mean the bible minor is a definate but the business is a maybe, we'll see how it all works out.
it's weird how comfortable i've become with myself in these past few months. i mean it's like by the time you're a senior you just get this whatever attitude that is a common symptom of senioritis i suppose but i'm loving it, i'm not worried about what i look like when i leave the house whether it's a ball gown or my fat jeans and a sweatshirt i know that i'll have friends when i get where i'm going and that people love me for me. i mean honestly i felt like my first few years of high school there were always those fair weather peopel that were just kind of there to be there, not really your friends but not really not..and now i feel like i have a group of peopel who truly want to hang out with me, it seems that at this age people would be so fake but the more i experience it, it seems that in the circles i run in people just hang out with who they want and if they didn't like you then they wouldn't hang out with you so you have nothing to worry about. i would hate to spend my last year in this town with people who didn't actually want to spend time with me...gosh i just seriously am so loving life right now, the people, the experiences, the activities, even my classes...i knwo that these aren't the best years of life but i can see how people say that...it's just a time where you don't exactly have any real responsiblities and you're finally allowed some freedoms....
so thanks everyone...for loving me, corrupting me, talking to me, yelling at me, laughing with me, hugging me, kissing me, being there for me, not asking too much from me.....thank you all, i love you!
we were walking downtown, yea, our favorite part of town-changedfish

(if you just got my email and you're looking for Lysistrata pictures scroll down an entry)

So this is Christmas...
well really it's spring break, but if all goes as planned al pal is finally going to teach me how to knit and that was my xmas gift...so it's practically like it's christmas.
AHH i can't believe i'm going to OHIO this week! i'm so excited, i mean you think you know what's going to happen to your life but seriously i never would've thought i would be going to college in ohio, i mean it's like a foreign country to me, i've never even been there! and sans the new york trip this past june i'd never been further east than colorado. i hope i like it there, i mean the weather is supposed to be nice, the campus looks exquisite in the pictures and everyone i've ever talked to that has gone there absolutely adored it, so i'm not really thinking i won't like it but seriously if i don't get that "i belong here" feeling when i'm there, i'm not gonna go- i'm not, i'll just stay at shasta and finish up my gen ed...like, i'm not afriad of staying at shasta, i like it here, i like that i know everyone and that my family's here and that the weather is moderate and that i've grown up in this town, i like redding, and all it's surrounding areas, i like the view out my bedroom window and having a mountain and a lake within an hour of my house, i like the beauty of this area and how the earth isn't flat...i love it here and as of this moment all cards point to coming back here to live and raise children someday...but by the same token i need to get out for a bit, i need to take some time away from the only place i've ever known, i need to learn to live away from my parents, and how to fend for myself, i need to go somewhere where i don't know anyone and am forced to meet new faces. bottom line is i want to go away, i want to try and make it quasi on my own and i think if i don't do it now i may never do it, because in the back of my mind i know that the most important job i ever want to have is being a wife and mother and if i stay here and meet an amazing man i know i'll just marry him and bear his children and have no need to leave unless he gets transfered or something like that, but ya no....i dunno, i guess i shouldn't try to make all these life decisions this second! i'm gonna visit cedarville i'm going to make my college decision and i'm going to shoot from the hip from there.

ever get the feeling that humans are severe creatures of habit? that's perhaps not worded right but here's what i mean. people don't do well with change, do you ever have a friend who you maybe dont' know too well and it seems that every time you talk to them you dance around the same subject all the time...like for instance if when you got to know them you always talked about school then you will continue to always talk about school with them every time you talk to them, the conversation never ventures to work, family , friends, significant others, no no you're always talking about classes and exams and studying and school and future schools and stuff....does that ever happen to you? because it's beginning to drive me crazy with certain people...like honestly i don't mind talking about people's problems, i truly feel honored that someone would come to me with a problem, but at the same time that doesn't mean that every time i talk to you from then on that you have to bring it up...when i ask how you're doing i actually want to know how you're doing i dont' just mean "give me an update on that single subject since the last time we talked" if i ask you specifically about that incident then i prolly want to know about it, but if i just say "what've you been up to?" it really means just that, since the last time we talked what's been going on in your life as a whole...
now there are exceptions i suppose if i'm your peer conselor, if i don't even know you well enough that you want to tell me about your day and all you feel comfy talking about is whatever we've already discussed, or if you have severe mental illness taht prevents you from talking about more than one thing with each person...also inside jokes, those are ok to bring up nearly every time you see a person if the joke is not annoying or embarassing and if you haven't just told the joke when you saw that person an hour ago. because "remember when...hahaha" jokes are only sooo funny for soo long, and then they become sooo dumb!
changedfish- "expliot me melanie, expliot me all summer!"

Fine Details

hey all! here is every Lysistrata picture I have in my possesion....so check'em out! yey for pictures, yey for Lysistrata!







































































changedfish- cast party = more picture opportunities!

IT'S OVER!
ok, so pretty much i'm finally a free person...well ya no, living in the US we're always "free" but what i meant was- my play's over! yey!...and ney...cuz i'll miss it. i mean in all truth i loved working with those people and being around so many different personalities that i don't usually associate with. they're somewhat vulgar and candid and crazy but they made an excellent cast and i loved them! but not to fear because we still have 2 cast parties to look forward too haha...funny that 2 weeks after the play is over is when we're having our cast parties...but ya no, ending on a saturday and having to tear down the sets and then it being spring break and all...well we had to do some post-poning.
i don't know what i'm going to do with all my time now...i mean i'm so used to having an evening activity every night, i'm probably going to go nuts with boredom or something....but not for a while because at this moment i plan on enjoying the freedom, catching up on some sleep, and maybe, just maybe, NOT BEING SICK ANYMORE!
so yea, this weekend was totally one of the best weekends i've had in a while, and for totally random reasons...like friday's audience was amazing, they shouted and laughed and clapped and everything and i knew nothing could top them...until saturday's audience showed up! seriously it was almost crowded in that theatre - biggest audience we had all week! prolly larger than like 2 performances added together. and they were loud too! they laughed at so many places that we kept thinking were funny but no one else did....and even I got some laughs...at one point they laughed so long that melissa's line came like a minute after mine! i was ecstatic! the only bummer was that barton and joel came LATE..after pretty much all my solo lines and after my first dance and everything...but they've been properly reprimanded. then afterwards we had to strike the set, which is basically destroying every smidge of evidence that the play existed...costumes, bulletin boards, lights, sound, set, all of it had to go. i got to be a part of the light crew which meant i got to take apart lights and load them into jeremy's truck and climb up way above where the audience sits...it was fun! then i spent some time helping with the set, because it takes a while to make an entire set disappear into manageable pieces of lumber.
by like 1:30 we finally finished and i went over to madeline's, where we hung out and ate pizza and spa'd and listened to her inebriated brother philosophise (if that's even a word) with us for a few hours, which was actually kind of fun, because a lot of what he was saying had an actual point, and were he sober and not a fighter (lots of hits to the head) he probably would've made a lot of sense...instead he did a lot of rambling which i still enjoyed.....so at about 9 am (no sleep in between there by the way cuz somehow all of a sudden the sun rose and we decided why sleep now?) we left..and i went to choir and then to lunch with the fam and spent some time sleeping before going BOWLING! for misha's big 2-4 and i proudly got an 88...on a bumper lane haha...ok so im not a world class bowler...
that was pretty much my weekend, sans the whole stefanie part, which somehow i didn't add because i jumped from friday night to saturday night and skipped saturday day in which i introduced stefanie to RENT and we sang the songs and ate food and it was glorious.....so yes, my weekend was muy bien, and now i'm kind of froggy throated but i was elected president in my government class today so it made it all better!
changedfish- vote light cuz it's right!

tonights audience rocky!
er...rocked!

o goodness, we haven't had that great of an audience this entire time! i was soo excited...i mean NO ONE ever laughs at half the stuff we do and then tonight it was like laughter, claps, commentary, AH!
and i know why too, cuz all the rocky horror fans were there, well ok not ALL but there was a section of supporters that are definately rocky members, and so they're used to a bit more audience interaction, and i loved it, i mean really it was so much more enjoyable to perform in front of people who actually appreciated what we were doing!
cross your fingers for an amazing closing night audience- changedfish