u no, sometimes i wish i were a guy!
alright, not like u think. it's just that guys have a simpler way about them. girls are so over-analyzing and so...so...girlie! i mean, ya so i think like they do, and i do what they do most of the time, but sometimes i'd just like to be a guy, to wear the pants in a relationship! i'm not at ALL saying guys have it easy! by far they don't, i like being a girl for the most part. but it's like guys have all the power and they make all the decisions and sometimes i'd just like to make the decisions, plan the dates...i dunno what i'm saying, sometimes it's just weird.
im in another one of my strange moods. i no what ur thinking, not another weird entry, but if u've ever read these before u've got to know all of them r weird, so this will b no different. it's just that i was talking to a friend about valentines day, and about sadie hawkins and all, and it's like, they're all so couple-based! i mean, geez, since wen does everything have to involve guys, and at least sadie's u get to ask the guy, but who the heck would i ask? i've got no one in mind! and i'm running out of resources! it's like most people have a back-up, but me...naw! i don't even have some dorky guy that likes me that i don't really like that i could just take along just to have someone! i mean, i don't really like anyone specific rite now, and i don't have anyone following after me, as usual, so where do i stand wen v-day comes and wen everyone's getting snagged for sadies? what am i supposed to do? this is nuts! i mean i'm friendly, i should have someone that i like! but i don't...i mean, sure i know who's hot and who's not, and i know a premium pick from the last apple in the barrel, but that doesn't help me spend the holiday of love w/someone i care about!
aight, n/m all this, i quit...if u like me...come out w/it...if i like u...i'll come out w/it! deal? not!!! never gonna happen, i wish i wasn't such a pessimist, i wish i had a better image of myself, but the sad truth of the matter is i don't and i may never...so i'm dealing w/this on my own, leave me be, nite, changedfish

um...i no i haven't written in a while, i guess i haven't really had anything to say...still don't really, i mean i've had a good week, it was homecommming and it was kinda lame, but it was still good. last nite was the games and the dance and stuff...i've decided that no matter how many times i tell myself that i hate dances, i still love to dance, so once i'm there i end up changing my mind. the things i hate about dances haven't changed, i will never get used to, or accept the way people dress or act at dances, the way the staff just watches it and says nothing, the things u hear the things that happen, that will never change. it hurts me to no that there's prolly not much i can do. and i hate the fact that girls feel they have to do that to get a guy, or hold his attention, or impress him or wutever, but i think it's sad, and sick! i feel that i shouldn't just go along w/it, but most of the time i feel powerless to stop it! i had fun however. i danced w/my friends and i loved it! i felt free of being so durn self-conscience! (i dunno how to spell that) it was kinda sad that they only played one slow song, (which i didn't get to dance to, cuz i had to run arrands for my some what absorbed "friends") but that was ok, cuz i don't really like slow dances personally lol, um...ya...it was really great and now i'm looking forward to the next one, which is sadie hawkins, and i have NO IDEA who i'll ask, but i'm sure i'll go w/someone, i hope, otherwise, stag's not so bad either. and ya...i'll chat w/yall later, changedfish

wow! i have so much to say...so i'm just going to say it, u don't have to read this, and u sure don't have to agree, but i hope that u do and if u have any questions i'm open: rubbadubdub16@hotmail.com

i just got back from one of my winter camps and wow! i mean thats all i can say, it was amazing, sooo many people just gave there lives over to God and so many recommited and soo many more just realized what horrible habits they had formed, what things they were doing wrong, i mean we all realized how amazing the Lord truly is and that he's there for each and every one of us, that he's always with us, that we can't hide no matter how hard we try.
i don't no wut u all believe, and many of u may not know exactly wut i believe, but that's about to change, i've made a commitment to be bold, i've made a commitment to share and to love and to show the world what God has done for me, and what he can do for all of you! most of u may think this is one of those cheesy infomercials or one of those semons that u know you'll never understand-but its not, it's not about other people this is about me and God and all of u, (altho that seems like other people, it's not) this is about me being sooo stupid and not sharing this, this is about me not just accepting anymore that my best friends are going to hell and they don't even care. This is about what God has planned for u. u guys don't even see it, i mean it's right in front of u. everything. everything around u everything u see, do, hear, smell, think, taste...everything. how can u sit there in ur biology/science classes and see how perfectly everything works together, how each thing was created perfectly, how can u see that and not believe that there's something more? u must think about it...u have to care...sure this is "your life" u can live it however u want if u darn well please, but you'll never find what your looking for, i guarentee it.. all you girls that search for love and affection and protection and security in guys, all you guys that try to be tough and buff and macho, never showing emotions, never being serious....your missing the point, God doesn't care if u weigh 75 or 280, he loves you, his love is unconditional, that means he doesn't care what you've done, or how you've lived, that doesn't matter, he loves you anyway he will forgive u, he will let u start all over again, his love is forever. everyone screws up, some worse than others, in the worlds eyes, but no one screws up enuf not to recieve grace....yea, grace, that's "unmerited favor" that means it's wonderful gift that u recieve that u don't deserve, that isn't based on what u do or the things you've done, it's a free gift, and it's the gift of life, and you can't buy this gift and u don't deserve it, no one does, but u can recieve it, all you have to do is ask, it's your choice it's your decision. you can't find this love anywhere else u no that..u can't...not in your looks, not in your relationships, not in your achievments, not in alchohol or drugs, not w/ur friends, not w/ur family, nowhere! except w/God. and he gives it out, to everyone, everyday, every second, for free!
all you have to do is ask!
changedfish

wow, ur prolly wondering why it's been so long since i've written...well truthfully it's cuz i didn't know what to write, i didn't know if i should go into detail or if i should keep it mysterious, if i should tell everyone what the heck i was talking about or if i should just keep it simple and i decided that i'd just come out w/it and tell you all everything about everything (ok, maybe not THAT much, but ya)
the "firsts" i was talking about was dating, ok, so i'd never been on a date, im not the only one, i know plenty of people (mostly girls, but still) that have never been on a date, some that never had a b/f or g/f etc. etc. but i now have, i went on a date w/my friend Will. alright so u think, if it's a date y'd she call him her friend will, and not "this guy" or my b/f or something, truthfully we're not dating, prolly never will, he just called my out of the blue last friday and asked me to go w/him to the movies on saturday...it was weird, but i was hecka excited and very flattered as well, i mean he chose me, out of anyone he coulda called, he called me...awesome rite?
it was a great date!!! he picked me up at my house (he already knows my whole family from forever ago, so that was a breeze) and we headed off, we saw Paycheck, which i would definately recomend! it was a good movie cuz it wasn't to much a girl or a guy movie, it was just both, and it wasn't too romantic so that was good, cuz i didn't want him getting any bright ideas, rite? anyhow, it kinda sucked cuz after that i had to go home, cuz we were having the neighbors over for dinner, which normally i could have missed, however they r new neighbors and they have a girl my age and anyhow i had to go, so that was sort of it...he took me home, came in, we hugged (my rents we in the kitchen so nothing else really coulda gone down there) and he left....hasn't called, i of course am not going to call him (cuz i just think if he wants to he will) and ya...so its like over...and even tho it was a really good date and all i really don't know how many more i want to go on, i mean i REALLY don't want to lead him on, cuz i hate wen girls do that, just cuz they want a date! its not that i don't like him, or never have liked him or anything, it was just sort of everytime i thot about him romantically (don't think like that, i mean like dating him, or kissing him) i just was very aware that it was Will, and i just don't think i could! i mean if i didn't know him so well, and know how weird he is and how much i know i really prolly wouldn't enjoy a real relationship with him, then it'a been aight, but i dunno, it just isn't gonna happen, so i have NO idea wut to do now! i mean i can't break things off if nothing ever happens, but i'm afraid he's gonna call again and ask me to go out again and i dunno what to say, cuz i don't really want to say no w/o having a reason, or like shut him down w/o giving him a chance, sooooo....i dunno whats going down, all i can say is i have now officially been on a date, a real one (he paid and everything lol) so ya...things r good besides that too!! love u all soooo much, God loves you sooo much more than any of us can ever even think about or fathom in our wildest of dreams, so keep that in mind, changedfish

Firsts
while i've always realized there's a first time for everything i didn't expect some of my firsts to come from certain places...aight so i haven't acheived many of the major firsts that generally come to mind..but sometimes i go by different rules and count different firsts, so wen i hit a first that is big by the worlds standards its absolutely gigantic for me!!! i mean geez!! im sooo naive and ignorant on everything...i don't know the rules i don't know wut im supposed to do...and these things don't exactly come w/a manual u no! sometimes i like the fact that i don't know..cuz then at least im sheltered but other times i wish i had the experience cuz at least then i wouldn't look so horribly stupid!! and i wouldn't be as nervous and all. i mean goodness it can not be this awkward for everyone...can it? o well, i guess "that's wut lifes for...findin out" see ya round, changedfish

don't u sometimes wish u could read minds?
i've decided that things don't get easier w/age.
i've decided that the rain isn't so bad when ur inside.
i've decided that people will never understand me.
i've decided that i am my worst enemy.
i've decided that things don't hurt as much if u don't let them.
i've decided that love doesn't conquer all.
i've decided that my life isn't that bad.
i've decided that people aren't always the problem.
i've decided that most of the time they are.
i've decided boyz rn't that complicated.
i've decided that i don't need a guy.
i've decided that not everyone loves me.
i've decided that the world isn't over yet.
i've decided that all fun is worth having
i've decided that i hate to cry.
i've decided to let my emotions show.
i've decided to say wut i mean.
i've decided that i enjoy school.
i've decided that i hate homework.
i've decided that sometimes my best friends rn't always my bestfriends
i've decided to love everyone.
i've decided that i hate the dark
i've decided i hate being cold.
i've decided that i love socks
i've decided i enjoy being silly.
i've decided not to care what everyone thinks
i've decided to pay attention to wut certain people think.
i've decided to let go of some inhibitions
i've decided to keep some things to myself
i've decided i CAN keep a secret
i've decided im stronger than i think
i've decided that i'm indecisive
i've decided that the world isn't always a scary place.
i've decided that i'm not perfect
i've decided that i like my body.
i've decided to tune some people out.
i've decided to plant some seeds.
i've decided that no one loves me as much as i do
i've decided my mother may be the only one that thinks i'm pretty
i've decided that i put people down
i've decided to boost peoples spirits
i've decided that i love a lot of people
i've decided that i've never been in love
i've decided that i don't mind waiting
i've decided that i have no patience
i've decided not to hold on so tight
i've decided the world is not only mine
i've decided that my family DOES love me
i've decided i have friends in many places
i've decided to try and shut up
i've decided to take control of my life....cuz if i don't who will?
changedfish

i just got back from the like warmest place ever only to find out that it like crazy snowed here, wuts w/that? it snows like every 5 yrs and wen im gone...then it snows! eh...aw well....i got a tan and u all freezed! haha...on a diff note lallala um...it was like the best vaca cuz even tho it was just my family i think i liked it better that way...y? cuz then i don't have to worry about putting up some weird front, or being all hostessy and stuff...just me and the fam, and i got to think..a lot!! about wutever i wanted and not b influenced by my friends and other people and wut they think...selfish sounding i guess but things just made a lot more sense wen i was all alone on the beach then they ever could here...welp...i'll talk 2 u guys all like individually and stuff about wut i thot about all of u heehee so luv 2 u the world and i hope u had an awesome new year!!(o by the way) no offense to mexicans in general, but in cancun *thats mexico* they DEFINATELY need to learn how to let go of christmas...i mean i understand leaving up a few decos that r hard to take down...but goodness gracious the live santa bit is off limits!!! esp. on january 3!!! that's wen i saw santa..ya live mexican, big fella, dressed in the furry red suit, and it was flippin 80 degrees out!!! anyhow...nuff'a dat! changedfish