friend showed me this song...well this is just the chorus, but welp, i liked it, it's just something to think about (thanx for the lyrics pal!)

Is it really true
that u saved urself
for someone who
will love u for u
so many times we just give it away
to someone who
to someone who
can't even remember ur name
I wanna learn to save myself for someone who
will love me for me

"think before u just do it!" lol changedfish

things were better...
things were better when i still thot boys had cooties
things were better before i realized prettiness matters
things were better when fingers were just fingers, not gang signs
things were better before boys discovered pick-up lines
things were better before i realized make up was a tool of distruction
things were better when "love" meant friendship
things were better when a scraped knee was the worst of your problems
things were better before bombs were brought to schools
things were better before war terrorized civillians
things were better when children were raised by two parents
things were better before man sinned
things were better when i knew how to cry
things were better before my friends found the parties
things were better when education was valued not required
things were better before my number was listed
things were better when i realized i was happy
things were better when people took responsibility for their actions
things were better when guns were only for warfare
things are better, now that i can look back and smile.....changedfish

sheesh, haven't written in a day or more...i dunno what to do w/myself lol
lotta things going on and somehow i can't think of what order they go in, like i dunno how to write down what's important, cuz sometimes what's on ur mind isn't always what is important and then people start thinking it is and ya....
i guess i care too much about what others think, i mean to a certain extent i think of it as a good thing, like if i care what they think it's a sort of an accountablity bit...but then there's many times when i care too much and it's not fun! i mean sometimes i wanna wear what i wanna wear, and i wanna say what i wanna say, and i wanna hang out w/who i wanna hang out with and i don't want others butting into it and being like "now melanie, r u sure about what ur doing?" i'm like YES! i wouldn't do it if it were detrimental to my well being, but i have a thing about me where i dont wanna make any waves and i want everyone to be happy and stuff and i spend too much time accomidating, and then if i fix one thing it blows up another thing and that whole ripple effect business becomes very real.
hehe funny i noticed something within the past couple months, that i talked about today w/a friend..i'm really apologetic, and it's almost a bad thing i mean i make people feel guitly cuz i'm always apologizing...but it's just i want to come across as the nice person i'm trying to be...and i dunno i don't wanna make anyone mad at me, so i say sorry a lot
luckily my life has died down this week, no phone calls, very few emails or love confessions lol, not any name calling as of yet, and camp is right around the corner so what could be bad about that? nothing! i hope! (knocking on wood at this moment)
i think the thing i like most about camp is that my regular lifestyle isnt there, and the normal people rn't there and i can escape the drama of life! and when i come back it'll be my b-day and i'll getta take my driving test and hopefully (fingers crossed) i'll pass and be a lisenced driver!!
goodness...i need to stop rethinking things, i mean i think about what has been a bitta too much! like it seems my brain has some sorta trigger button for the past, that someone says something or whatever and i think about old things, things that never were, things that were, wutev, i think...and most of the time it's ok, in fact most of the time i think it's a good thing--for a while, as long as i can get the thot thro in regulation time and not be thinking about it for days (which rarely ever happens, i mean the getting it thro thing) i dunno, it's like u go thro life and there r little stops along the way that made you who you are and i like to revisit them but sometimes i feel guilty like i'm not supposed to go back to yesterday and i'm supposed to focus on tomorrow, and i'm a better back-peddler...i mean it's not like i'm going to try and retrace my steps or i'm going to try to make the past the future it's just, i think...i think a lot, and i'm thinking i'm not the only one that thinks fondly of their olden days, i mean u can't convince me that i'm the only person that ever looked over her shoulder!
i dunno..i made a neato shirt today, it says "RHINO MINO" i'm soo psyched to wear it, i got a buncha stuff to make other ones too! so hopefully i'll neva have to go shopping...eva! lol cuz i hate shoppping!
long post makes for good reads, the bubbles stopped blowing, the fish must be tired, changedfish!

awww! not-ah!
people think i'm genuine! i mean, they have a right to think so, i am, i'm not faking anything! i just mean, i never heard it much before, but i guess someone was talking to my mom at camp about it, and then my mom was giving me this whole speach (or speech, who knows which one) about how much better life will be if i stay true to myself and am real and genuine and all, and it was like i couldn't help feeling like i wasn't worthy of her praise and adoration cuz it's not really something i try for. i mean i'm not trying to down-play it, like it's not important, i think it's the best thing going for me now, and i'm not trying to brag ither, that wasn't my intention, it's just that i didn't know people saw me that way, and it makes me nervous that someone i don't know all that well thinks so highly of me.  i don't like that, i mean high expectations just make me more apt to failure.  and it's not something i can really stick to or anything because i didn't realize i was doing it, or know how i do it or whateva. i mean i guess i'm just me...but i didn't really realize that that was a good or special thing i mean, isn't everyone themselves? i dunno, i guess it's all part of the God loving person i am, but somehow it still makes me nervous!
changedfish

camp drama
welp, i sure had fun! it was just as wonderful as i'd hoped! i was excited to see all  my camp friends (and i'll getta see'em in like a week for high school camp!!) i'm starting to become better friends w/my youth group crowd and i'm psyched about it, i just hope it carries over into the school year, cuz often times i get all busy and i loose touch :-(
altho i realized something at camp, i'm kind of an advice hypocrit, i'm HORRIBLE at following my own advice. actually i'm not sure if that's really it, it's more that i've been through a similar experience as the person and i'll tell'em wut they should do, but it wasn't wut i did, and i know i shoulda done wut i'm telling them to do (which is y i'm telling them to do it) but i neva seem to get around to the part where i tell them that i acted just like they did, and i think this would be a better course of action, but it's ok to make mistakes along the way.  i mean, i don't MEAN to and i don't even realize i'm doing it, it's just that it seems when i'm talking to my friends about stuff it seems so easy to see the solution and i forget how hard it was when it happened to me, or i don't realize that it's not so easy to see the answer when ur stuck in the problem....i dunno, i guess life just gets buggy as u get older and u have to have good friends to help you out, therefore u should be that good friend to other people....and i try, soo hard, i really do, but i seem to miss the mark a lot.
if ur sitting there scratching ur head going "y the heck am i still reading this?" u have to understand that most of the time i just write to release, and if i don't explain things well or if i don't make sense, if it's boring or confusing or wuteva, it's just cuz i'm working things out in my head as i go along, and i'm horrible at editing lol, and u'll just have to deal w/it! much love, changedfish

family camp, family camp, family camp (sing to the tune of the "laci's home" song lol)
well, this weekend i'm off to the hills, the hills of shingletown that is! it should be fun, i'm totally psyched!
when most people think of family camp they're thinking "how lame" "that's stupid" and similar things, and believe me, i'da thot the same things except i've been to mt. meadow's camp since the 4th grade and it is the bomb diggidy (i know, gotta love the old sayings) ok, so it's not zactly my whole family going, and we won't hang out most of the time, but i love it. i'm soo excited to hang out w/my friends that have been up there all summer, cuz i miss'em, they're awesome people! and it'll get me all prepared for high school camp in two weeks!!! gosh i'm excited!! (couldn't tell couldja lol) besides its an excuse to get away from town and to be off away from phones ringing and emails and people and classes, it's like a crazy get-away place, where u can just be w/families, and be close to God and just ahh (breath a sigh of relief)
so anyhow that's where i'm going this weekend, feel free to email me and such but i won't get back to you till sunday evening! much love, changedfish

it's an epidemic!
i've decided it was a good thing to allow others to read my journal.  a good thing for me, a good thing for them, just a good thing. cuz see when i started this thing i wasn't gonna let anyone read it..but now it's like i don't mind, i love that people can read my thots, they can see inside my head and welp, i like that, cuz i have trouble w/feelings w/emotions w/explaining myself, esp. to people, i mean i can understand myself pretty well now-a-days but explaining my actions my feelings myself, now that i can only do through writting, and it's like when i'm typing i'm not even thinking 2 seconds ahead of what i'm doing, i'm just thinking, only through type...i dunno but it's the greatest feeling, well..not the greatest, but that's a whole 'nother thing...
life just gets complicated as u grow older, i mean things weren't supposed to get hard on me! i was supposed to stay 5 forever!...i don't mind i guess, life's just frustrating, i mean geez, it's like if i could stay the pudgy girl forever, i almost think i would, because growing up in todays society just sickens me, i mean guys can't control themselves! there was some creep hanging around my classes this past week, and buggin the girls in my class....luckily i wasn't there with them i didn't have to experience it, but seriously, i joke about wanting to be a guy, esp. cuz my youth group guys have so much fun...but sometimes i just wish i wasn't a girl, cuz it pisses me off to be thot of as some piece of ass (yes i said ass...twice..lol) i dunno why it bothered me so much it's just like, i wanted to ride my bike to my classes and i wanted to take my classes in peace w/o some strange wacko screwing it up.....i dunno, i think more than me being mad at him, i'm just mad that there doesn't seem to be anything i can do! wut i want to do is go up to the guy and just lay it out and tell him about God i mean wouldn't that be a happy ending? wouldn't that work out? but i'm soo afraid, i'm afraid to excersize my faith! it's horrible! i guess God's got other plans for me than persuing some psycho that hangs around the college campus (who's now banned from said campus but...)....changedfish signs off for relief

wow....i haven't done that in a while-- i went to the first entry, and started reading this backwards---i've changed a LOT this year-DANG! i'm boggled, i mean, i'm not really complaining, just observing, try it, go to the first entry and work backwards untill u get bored...whoa changedfish

update, update, get'chur update!
ok, today i was talking w/a friend about her ex, and how she feels he's like haunting her because everywhere she goes, there he is, or everything was reminding her of him etc. (and i got that) then i realized...i'm being haunted! guess who called again today (twice!) 4th of july boy (that's my new pet name lol) i mean, he's awesome, great, wonderful, and nice....but not for me! stop calling me! he even called me on his cell from work! i didn't know the number, so i innocently answer...eeek! i feel bad being SO mean sounding but i've never had someone call like this w/o ever talking to me, so we talked for like 3 mins. about nothing really, and then he had to go...i feel worst about him never getting me and him calling all the time, because i know how much it takes to actually get the nerve to call someone like that, but still...he's got too much nerve! and i don't like being negative about him, cuz i don't know him well enuf to bash him on any level, it's just that when he keeps popping up everywhere i get creeped out and i wonder what the deal is! i wonder if this is a purposeful thing that i should be answering the phone (which really creepily just rang--and it was him!!) I'M LOOSING MY MIND!!!
changedfish

seriously love this song!!!
(think proberta baby--i couldn't remember the whole song, but here it is!)
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit lonely and you're never coming around
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart

Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit restless and I dream of something wild
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround, every now and then I know
you'll never be the boy you always you wanted to be
Turnaround, every now and then I know
you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
Turnaround, every now and then I know
there's no one in the universe as magical and wonderous as you
Turnaround, every now and then I know
there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart --changedfish

what do u say to that?
i mean..i'm chatting innocently and BAM--his dad died? what?? i mean, geez what do u say to that? i'm sorry...? i'll pray for you??? it's like, there's nothing on earth that can be said that'll make him feel better! and it's not like i just found out that his dad had died 10 yrs ago...but yesterday?? yesterday!!??! i mean we werent even good friends....i have NO CLUE wut i'm supposed to do, or say...i mean....the kids gotta be stunned, shocked, out of his mind, there's no WAY he can take it so lightly, i mean u ask how the guy's doing and he says ok...then later on...BANG...u can tell i'm just out of my mind at the moment, i mean it's just soo unreal that this happened and i'm just grrr that there's nothing i can do or say to him...i love him u no, but that's just not gonna help....only time, only time....that's just horrible!!!
changedfish cries inside!

ugh, i'm just so distracted right now, and it's not funny, cuz i have history homework to do, and i need a nap if i'm going to babysit tonite and geez, give me a break!
ok, so i don't see the kid for a year, then one nite there he is, and now he's everywhere! (ok, so i've "seen" him once since then *today) but he's called a bunch, left a message yesterday, then today i see him...just so happens he works at one of my favorite stores so there's no way to just not go there (hello, stay away from target? not happening! lol) so now i'm feeling guilty, as if it's for some reason and i'm avoiding it or wutever..but i don't know what that is!
i say i don't like the kid...cuz i don't know him, maybe i'm SUPPOSED to get to know him or something, but this is not wut i need rite now! i need some time to relax and get myself together, i mean it's summer, and i choose NOT to have summer romance, ESPECIALLY not w/him! i mean, i hear he likes some other chick so i'm not worried, but then somehow i am worried cuz wut if he doesn't "get the hint" and cease to call...and then wut if i keep seeing him around, i can't act like i don't see him forever! i can't act like nothing happened forever! i can't be like...well, he prolly forgot!
as you can see this is distracting my thots quite greatly, and all i wanted to do was write a summary on the colony at roanoke!! so my thots r out, the jury is as well...we'll see! changedfish

Inquiry of the day: since when is awkwardness desirable???? ya, that's exactly my point!!!
** my march 1st entry was a quite interesting one...brought up that point...i seriously wonder what part of my awkwardness would ever be sexy! ya!
changedfish

i have many thots today, be prepared! lol
first i've decided i don't think i like being kidded around with..i don't mean i don't like cracking jokes (it's practically my life) i guess i just don't like being bombarded with remarks (funny or not) without a chance to explain... you know that feeling when people are joking about u and u feel that u can't defend urself? like there are more of them and they don't understand! well that's kinda how i feel sometimes...like i don't even mind if people laugh at me i think it's funny most of the time! i LOVE jokes and making fun of me and stuff...the part i don't like is a group of people and i'm the butt of the joke and i have NO chance of them listening to the truth of the matter...it happens a lot to me lately! ugh...but it's not that bad, i can live w/it cuz i know they only give me a hard time cuz they love me ... rite??

also, it seems that often when i've been talking to my friends lately we talk about marriage, or boyfriends, or wutever, and we talk about all the things that we are gonna have when we're married or the kinds of boyfriends we'd like to have....and every-so-often i get a fear, creeping up in the back of my mind, crawling up my neck...what if these things don't happen to me? now don't start thinking i'm having some kind of pity party, cuz somewhere deep inside i know God has the perfect guy for me and i'm sure i'll end up married to some goofball that loves me more than i can ever even imagine...however the thots r still there...it's like when paul (my youth pastor) was talking on wednesday about how the worst feeling is the feeling that God's not going to be there for u and help you out...David trusted God..y can't i? i'm soo weak sometimes! it's just, the world revolves around love and lust and being together and all that biznass and sometimes u just want it soo bad that u can't even see the real picture in front of you...i tell myself "don't date in high school" but then there's that huge lingering but at the end like "but if u find the right guy" or "but u could experience it" etc....but i don't WANT to deep down, i want to forget about guys all together for a few years, and when the time is right leap into it w/gusto (yes, i said gusto--twice)
wutever wish me luck w/my suitors...changedfish

o gosh...aight fillin' ya in on my big 4th plans.
ok well there weren't any really, i mean my rents and i went to a independance day bash at a family friends house because thier view is betta than ours and they invited us and all that jazz...hookay so i'll let u in on a piece of myself, i like to be nice to everyone, it bothers me when people r mean or when people r inconsiderate etc. etc. etc. so when i notice people being not as friendly to a person i make sure that i AM friendly to them, this however always gets me in trouble! porque *because* when it is a gentleman i'm being kind to they take it as i like them and i'm flirting and all, and i'm not! it seems in group settings (i.e. parties) this happens to me a lot! nehoo back to the 4th...picture this we're sitting out back cuz that's where the worx r, and this guy i know (old friend of mine used to go to church w/me, haven't seen him since like last summer but he's nice and all) well he's sitting by himself on the porch swing, and i don't have a seat so i innocently sit next to him...PROBLEM, during the worx he decides it's his duty to bring me a little closer by putting his arm around me and sort of huggishly laying me down on his chest...now for those of you that think this is cute it IS, EXCEPT for the times when you don't like the guy and u don't know him real well and u feel that u can't tell him u don't like him or to let go cuz ur way to passive of a person, then it just becomes awkward and weird...not only did he take me under his wing but he decided not to let go even after the worx...so before no one noticed our present position and now everyone sees it and keeps looking at us like we're some cute couple and they can't figure it out and NEITHER CAN I! i don't know how to just get up and go inside, i'm TRYING not to make waves or reject him coldly, and EVENTUALLY (like 20 mins later after EVERYONE went inside) i go inside, later he leaves and i get the interrogation from ALL my friends there about wut was going on, to which i reply that i have no idea and that i don't like him and i wasn't TRYING to lead him on, i just didn't know wut to do....end of story, rite? NOT today as i'm getting ready to go meet some friends for their b-day movie he CALLS ME!!! fortunately i had told my mom the whole story and she helped cover for me by telling him i was in the shower and that i was going out in a little bit...he plans to call back! ugh, i don't know wut to do! i mean wut if he tries to ask me to go out somewhere, or to "hang out" i mean u can't really reject a guy like that...it's just mean, but i don't like him so then i can't go w/him either so...GRRR!! help me out guys, y do i attract these types of people?!?!?
changedfish

OMGSH!! i had soo much fun this week! a few of the highschoolers from my church went to proberta (by red bluff)and put on a vacation bible school for the kids there. you see the church there had some huge controversy and closed back in '94 so we went there to start it up again. we cleaned and painted and mowed and trimed and geez, did everything to the building so it would look like a church again, then we taught the children about God and such, finally we had an adult/kid service and invited them all to start attending church on sundays!
kids r crazy! i haven't been around that many low-income kids from a small town, for that long of a time period, and actually it was a BLAST! i mean, ok so all the little 11,12,13 yr old boys were asking for my phone number and staulking me as they obsessed about me being nice and such, then there was the clingy girl that kept grabbing my butt--awkward!! but pretty much it was amazing! when the kids WEREN'T there is when the fun truly began. we played soo many card games, i mean i could right a book no doubt and then there was the animal game---elephante, whoop, mooo, bwooop, racoon--- we had BURRO!! and we had pounce (or egyptian rat screw wutev) and UNO and everything, there was punch and CARBS! i could go into it forever, but the point of this entry is to say "branch out" seriously! do something you wouldn't normally do and do it for reasons other than yourself, do it cuz the Lord wants you to, do it because you never have but do it, cuz the rewards are sooo awesome and who knows if it could make an everlasting impact!!! these kids were a bored sad bunch, but all we had to do was shoot a few hoops w/them, listen to there rino-mino, king kong stories, and they were smiling, they wouldn't leave they loved us soo much...!
children are fun and rewarding so get ur stuff together and branch out! help kids, be a good example, feed the hungary, read ur bible, i'm telling you, this stuff you call crap isnt' just for the church babies it's for us all and it has the best side effects!!!
much love, changedfish