why get my hopes up...?
i don't know, are we too excited, or rather are you too excited? am i not excited enuf? are we reading too much into this? does anyone know what's going on?
i don't know if i'm good enuf, or calm enuf at least. no it's not because of my physical appearance, and it's not my personality as much as my volume and my lack of inhibitions. once a person gets to know me perhaps that disappears, but what about my horrible first impressions problem. i suppose it's a gift i've been given so that i have to make hard core friends rather than a bunch of light airey ones but still...i dunno anymore. some days i'm all psyched and i'm the queen of the world and who the heck doesn't want me...and then other days it's like why didn't u just hide in a closet, u'd be better off there...
if i think logically and realistically i think well shoot, i have a lot of friends, and a lot of good friends. friends that love me a lot and have been around through it all and have stuck by me and been way cool. i have had many people tell me great things about myself, how i'm kind and generous and always happy and how i brighten their day or how i give just the right advice. that i'm a good role model and example, or that i'm mature, and a good christian girl. i've had people compliment me when they didn't know i was listening or had people tell a friend or family member wonderful things about myself. really, i can show u the annonymous letter i recieved in the mail, or the letters of rec that make my mom all teary. i mean if i was keeping a chart of all the splendid things people think about me i'd have an ego the size of a watermelon...but somehow that's not the case. cuz if i think harder i've had people that don't like me, people who don't like spending time with me or think i'm annoying. i've had people tell me i'm loud, or harsh, or that i come on to strong. i've been turned down and used and ignored. i've been not good enuf for not only people but awards and recognition and invitations. i've been told to calm down adn to speak slow and breath, and very often i get looks like "what the heck?".
i know i'm a bit odd, and i know i'm quite loud. i know i can come on strong and make very lame jokes. i know sometimes i argue a point just to come out right, and i know when i should let things go and i don't. i know that i'm outgoing to a fault and when i get hyper i yip and jump, and when i'm tired or stressed i whine and complain and get this annoying tone of voice and say dumb things. i know there are always going to be people in life that don't like me and say mean things and think mean things, and at times i'm ok and other times it really stings(i think that rhymed). i realize i won't always get my way in this life and that often it's better if i don't. but i guess when it boils down to the core i'm still confident about myself as a whole, i don't think i'm unattractive and i don't think i'm annoying and i don't think i'm always as loud as you'd think, my voice just carries, (which is sometimes good and sometimes bad.) in fact just this year i've calmed down quite a lot and been told to speak up believe it or not (that kinda rhymed to, i'm on fire) and tho my jokes may be corny and my outfits a bit outlandish, my hair may not always be combed right and my makeup sometimes gets all over my face (which i suppose could be the point..but u know what i mean), but at the end of the day i still truly believe i'm a catch and a jewel and a prize. i honestly feel, as self-centered as you may think i sound, that i'm worth trying for, and fighting for, and spending time with, i don't say this just to say it but based on the evidence, and i think if i'm given the right amount of chances the things that i wish will come true and life will be richer and fuller than i thought it could be. each day is a new day and a new batch of opportunities so i might as well go for it....i talked myself into it.
changedfish- because i might be worth a shot

i hope you're happy
no really i do, that's not one of those sarcastic, bitter phrases, i really honestly do hope that you're really happy. i mean there are people who are always happy (u fall into that catagory) but even if you always seem happy there are bad things in life that we all deal with, adn i know u've been through some but you're off on ur own and living it up and i hope you're happy. i hope she makes u happy, i hope that wen you think about her you just have to smile because she's so wonderful, and you just know that if u spent every day with her from now until death you would be just as happy and giddy as you are now. and i hope she feels that way about you, i hope she knows how lucky she is to have found a genuine friend adn companion, i hope she appreciates you and respects you the way i know u do her. i hope you love each other in that best friend goofy way that i know u can and i hope she's uber comfy to be around. i hope that each day is a sunrise. i know u'd bloom wherever you were planted but i know u were meant to go there, and i'm so happy for you, i really am. not that i was worried, i knew u'd make it happen, but that's an awesome place, and i'll just have to visit. when ur in town i hope i get a call tambien, cuz if ur here and i don't see u...it's off with ur head haha. i hope you know i'm not one of the others, that i enjoy ur company for ur dumb phrases and ur enthusiastic descriptions not because ur like so totally hott. i hope u know that i'm not like the others, that i dont want to hang out with u for any intentions other than i think ur a kick to be around. i hope u remember me for a little while as a person, as a friend, as anything but a distant memory, cuz pal i miss u a tad and i owe u a call.
changedfish- happy life and i hope you're happy!

The space between what's wrong and right is where you'll find me, right there waiting for you.
so i've observed something lately. the more time you spend with a person the more time you want to spend with a person and the more you have to say to that person. it's like if u see the same person every day and u have a conversation with them then it's like each day is the same running commentary, u don't have to strain ur brain to come up with something to say. however with people you spend less time with it takes a little more brain power to keep things interesting. when someone knows all that's going on in you're life u don't have to give them a huge back story before telling them what's new, u just go, ok u know that place and the guy, well such and such happened, instead of, 3 years ago in moscow...
i've found that as i become more busy i spend less time with people in general, not just my good friends, but all people. it's like i just don't hang out anymore, and that's totally weird, i don't know what's goin on with other people, they don't know what's going on with me, i dunno i get kinda lost and then i start omitting details when i tell people what's up because i don't want to have to explain the whole thing when only one sentance is important. i dunno it's just odd, i don't know how i didn't really notice the progression of the lack of communication but somehow it's like all of a sudden i woke up and realized i don't know what any of my friends are up to...i mean a few, i shouldn't say any of my friends, cuz i still talk to some often but at times i'm sitting there and there's this silence, not an awkward silence, just general comfortable silence and it's fine but i just know that last year or something there wouldn't have been that silence...like me and stef, i mean she's the only person (and i say that with confidence) that i feel i can just not say anything around and we're still hanging out, u know we don't have to be talking to be together, we can just be comfortable in our own silence, but i kinda think that it used to be because there weren't very many silences between us, we were always talking about stuff cuz we hung out all brunch and lunch and on weekends and stuff, and then all summer we could only hang out when we were both home but there seemed so much to talk about that we didn't have a spare second to enjoy silence, and now she doesn't even come to my car in the morning cuz her dad won't drop her off earliy enuf and then i only have a break two days a week and it's only an hour and a half long adn then on the weekends we're either working or doing something else...it's ridiculous, i mean it's not like there's a lack of something to talk about but it's like the drama has drained from our lives, and it's not like i'm begging for an unfortunate situation, i mean we have enuf problems and stress to deal with but it's just like sometimes i wish we had something to work through, something to analyze and figure out, not just, so the other day i was eating this tortilla..and it wasn't normal, cuz i mean that's the beauty of us, is we can totally talk about bagels and tortillas and not even notice that it's not normal conversation but then today i was just thinking how most of our convos lately haven't had a ton of substance, or at least not substance of what's going on in our lives, more of what's goin on with others..and i dunno i'm not saying that's bad, i'm trying not to dig a hole here and say we're not as close or all we talk about are starches, i'm just saying that my life is lacking a bit of luster and it's most apparent in the change in our conversations, i love her to death i really do, i mean i would die for that girl "next to her, i look like a dog" haha but is this how it's gonna be with us? i mean we're just so content at the moment it seems, and i wonder if there's going to be an adventure around the corner or if we're going to be stagnent for the next couple months....i dunno....i was just thinking.
changedfish- "i can't go back to yesterday because then i was a different person"

did u know there's lactose in pop rocks?
so i mean i know that no one really cares, but don't u think it's a bit odd that lactose and high fructose corn syrup and coloring mixed with carbon dioxide produces that crazy poppy reaction? plus don't u think it's odd that there's no warning about the lactose other than in the ingredients. i mean when there's nuts and in crackers and stuff tehre's like this warning label about possible food allergies but oh no, not the pop rocks people. i mean i'm not like severly lactose intolerant, only slightly and i know it won't effect me or anything, but it still seemed like there should be a label since no one would think that something like that had lactose in it. what if they were severly allergic? they could like sue..ok prolly not but still...
the only reason i even had pop rocks is because tonite was part 2 of a multiple part newsies party...once i watched it at stefs with stef and em and tonite it was at my house with allie and stef (cept i wasn't really there, cuz i went to babysit and they stayed here and partied and when i came home stef was gone) and then on the 29th after our crazy CC BBQ/whatever u wanna call it, in the park we're having another, only that's gonna be hard core let's dress up i think! cuz we're cool like that.
you'd be surprised how many people haven't seen or even heard of the newsies...for those of you out there for whom this is the case, it is a movie, a musical actually, a disney musical and it's really very good, adn there is dancing and accents and cute boys so that just makes it one of the best movies uhm..ever!
i ran out of good things to say about the newsies, but stef if ur reading this i know u jacked the extra fun dip so if u ever want to see ur CD's again u might have to make it up to me lol....
changedfish- i shall call my club "Newsie Nostalgia"

well first, i'd like to express my concern that my parents have gone to the trouble of switching our computer to large font...this frustrates me cuz everything is written REALLY BIG and cuz i feel since my parents are no longer spry enuf to read regular sized font, that they may be growing older....a shocking discovery cuz i'm pretty used to them being the "my cartwheel is better than yours type" (well...just my dad)
i mean i know that they're not quite as young as some parents of kids my age and i know that u know my dad's retired and my mom's thinking about it and all that, like i get it...but did they really have to go and change the font to this extra large, never need ur glasses, o my gosh i can read the fine print now size?
second of all, i've decided that i may be TOO good of a sport. i almost enjoy losing sometimes. i mean i've never minded losing, it was always one of those who cares i had fun and i played my best type things, but now i've noticed that because others so hate to lose i almost want to lose...i don't know if this is stemed from some i don't htink i'm good enuf childhood experience or what but it's like i don't really care about the end result i just like playing the game...even SOLITAIRE...i was playing it earlier tonite and it was like when i knew i was going to win i'd just start a new game because it's not as much fun to win as it is for me to try really hard and fail....how twisted is that? i mean for all the competitive and go gett'em type people i know and love and hang out with none of it has rubbed off....i don't know, i don't really care if i have to win all the time but just once i'd like to want to win really badly u know, i'd wanna win and not think well it was just luck but think HAHAHA i win u lose neener neener neener...how weird am i? (and how BIG is this stinkin font?)
changedfish- how do u even lose at solitaire?