why didn't you stop me from turning out this waaay?
so tonight i did 2 loads of laundry, cleaned out my drawers, organized my shoes, changed my sheets, did dishes, febreezed my entire unit, wrote my clt paper, got my blood pressure taken, and finished my pacl labs....what didn't i do? oh yea STUDY FOR STINKING BIOLOGY!
changedfish- ugh this week = : (

transferred from another blog, another time, out of context..but it fit today

i don't want people to know what i'm thinking or be offended by my opinions, i mean it's my own thots adn i need to express them and stop being afraid so that's what i'm doing..i know it's not good to bottle up emotions but it seems the easiest way to appear unlike urself, if no one ever knows how ur feeling or what ur thinking then it's pretty hard for them to judge u....i don't like to be judged and catagorized and stuff but i do it to myself all the time, i find myself constantly telling people what i'm like and not jsut letting them form their own opinions, like why can't i just let them see me how they see me, why do i have to be right about myself...because they see how i really am and what i really do, not just what i want them to see or want to do and say, the people on the outside no me better than i know myself and that's probably what scares me the most...i have a big fear about letting people in..becuase then they're in and i can't get them out and once they're in they want to be there because they've obviously tried hard enuf to get there and then all i can think about is pushing them away....but once they're gone i feel empty, like i can't hold on to anyone...when in reality i do it all to myself.....

changedfish- history is cyclical

the rain is consistent for periods of time and then disappears, only to return the next year- predictable, but frustrating.
the moon is sometimes so huge and vibrante, and sometimes pale and dull, sometimes there sometimes not- confusing

...what element will be next-changedfish

Lord, you know what's going to happen in my life, i don't
Lord, you know what i will do in my life, i don't
Lord, you know what's best for my life, i don't
Lord, you know me better than i know myself- help me to live the life you want me to lead
changedfish

that's so crazy- over just like that?
i mean i know that marriages that start that young often end but man- what could've possibly happened? did he hurt you? emotionally, physically? did you do something to him? how could a relationship so deep, so strong, end so suddenly?
i almost feel guilty myself- that sounds weird but seriously, i feel so horrible. how devastating, humiliating...like how do you deal with a situation like that, explain to the masses? i would feel just so upset all the time- you seem relatively positive, have a plan going for your life. trying to take the broken pieces and create an entirely better whole.
i don't know if i could do it- well i couldn't have gotten married so young in the first place...i'm so not ready to be that unselfish and hardworking- marriage is such hard work, especially at the begining, and i know i wouldn't be ready for that kind of sacrifice...
i'm sorry sweetie-changedfish

"You always said how lucky you were that we were all friends- but it was us, baby, who were the lucky ones"
changedfish...loves Rent

They say this life is full of DIVES and CLIMBS...
it's so weird, i was really mellow today- not for any specific reason, just cuz i guess.
i dunno this past week-ish has been a weird mood week and i can't put my finger on why.
it's probably because i'm tired and stuff and just kind of worn down, but i dunno it's weird- like i'm a really peppy person and it's not that i haven't been, or that i had to force it, it's still all good during the day and stuff but i'm sinking back into that attitude where when i'm out with people and in classes and stuff that i'm super happy and excited and then i get back to my room and i'm just not. i used to do that at home, and my paretns always though i had like a depression/anger problem because i just expend all my happy energy out in public and once i get back home, it's my special haven where i can just crash. and i would try to explain taht to my mom all the time but she just couldn't see why i thought it was ok to be mean at home, when that's where it should matter most that i be happy- and i agree with her, that's just not how i'm wired.
people usually don't believe me when i say things like that, that my mom actually made me see a counselor because of my attitude problems at home- i mean i'm the happiest, nicest person most people know, adn that just doesn't mix. and it's weird for me too because i feel like each day is such a gift here, every single day is a blessing- no matter what classes i have- and i feel like so guilty when i'm in a blahish mood...i mean i feel like i'm doing some sort of disservice to God because He's given me so much lately, just serioulsy handed me every blessing i could've ever imagined and how do i thank Him- i sit quite in my room kind of emo? that's sooo lame mel! like i should be just jumping up and down singing! (which i pretty much do sometimes)
and i feel even sillier writing about it, i mean like cuz i shouldn't be harping on this so much, i should just try and be happy, but i dunno, i guess i'm just getting to a point where i've officially settled in and i'm kind of ready for a trip home and stuff, just feeling slightly lonely- not that anyone really knows, every so often people are like "you're quiet" but i figure that's also just part of me finally settling in, i really am not as loud as i am when i first meet people, if y'all can believe that, i mean it's not that rare when i'm not the loudest person in a conversation- especially around here, but when i first start getting to know people i try to be as much of myself as i possibly can so that they will be used to me, and then when i settle down everyone feels like i've changed and am so much more mellow- which is true but it's not because of some huge reason it's really cuz i'm not trying as hard- which is backwards for most people.
basically i just don't even know. i guess it's just kind of a confusing time for me, this college thing is all so new, all my friends are new, just my entire life is different and i think i'm still figuring out what that means to me, what that means for my life, i think it's going to take me a while to figure it out and really i'm sure i'll always feel like i'm figuring it out and then it'll be over and i'll wonder where it all went.
all in all God is good, He's given me sooooooo much that i couldn't even begin to deserve if i had till the end of time and i'm just so thankful, i just wish i was doing a better job showing Him how much i love Him....changedfish

tonight is a full moon, and i've come full circle
i'm so tired...just tired
-changedfish

it's been so long, i don't even know what to say.
life's been amazing here as it has been since i got here.
i had a weird monday this week. like it's still bugging me in the back of my mind. but i totally saw someone in one of my classes that reminded me SO MUCH of an old friend of mine, and it wasn't just that but the feeling that i got when i saw the guy was just this sinking feeling of something being wrong. like i know it's probably just me overreacting but it seriously bothered me all day long because the guy i saw in my class that i'd never seen before- i saw him FIVE times that day...that just doesn't happen usually. it weirded me out adn to top it off i had a politics test to study for the next day and i dunno it was just a weird-o day that kind of set me off kilter. it was like the first time since i've been here that i didn't have an amazing day. which kind of brings me back to how amazing it is here because there wasn't like one person that didn't notice that i was down and they all were praying for me and making sure i was ok- like sometimes that's annoying, like i just want people to back off, but i dunno somehow it totally wasn't because they weren't asking me what was wrong exactly, they weren't being invasive they just wanted to make sure i was alright and there wasn't something they could do for me.
things are so weird right now, like it seems we've all been here just long enough to get comfortable and then some. that point just beyond comfort where you're too comfortable and change irks you. luckily i'm a pretty easy going person so none of the changes really get to me, plus it's all changes for me right now, so it's not like i've been here a super long time and we've all been one way and now it's different, it's more like different from when i arrived but that just seems right that things would be different. i don't know...i don't know anymore, sometimes my heart is so broken for other people. i just feel like so many of my friends are hurting right now and i never know what to do. i'm not a very good comforting people. like i dunno if i notice someone's down rather than asking them about it i just try and make them laugh and kind of act like i don't notice, which can be good for some people who just want to keep their pain (not that it's healthy coping but...that's for another time) but for those who need me to let them know that i noticed, well it's not the best. and i feel like guilty being so happy and having such a great time every day when i know those around me are just not enjoying life in the same way. and i know that's silly, i shouldn't feel that i have to downplay the amazing things that God's doing in my life because other people are struggling, but i feel like if i can't make them happy then i shouldn't be happy. like they should be my priority, and they are truly, i love them, i love people, and i feel like they're more important than i am, that their needs are more important, but at the same time i feel like i'm recieving so much love right now that i haven't made an effort to dish it back out. and that makes me sad too, i want people to feel loved by me, that i really genuinely care about them, that i'm worried when they are and happy when they are, that' i'm supportive and give good advice and all that jazz...i really want people to appreciate my efforts- however that means i have to make said efforts haha
changedfish- i need to get more sleep :