you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

so i've realized that i will let just about anything go. i mean if there's a possibility that i can let things go and totally blow it off i will. like if the other person doesn't make a big deal out of it i won't either. but my biggest problem is that it doesn't mean i forget- see i'm pretty quick to forgive and move on but i still remember and sometimes i guess i haven't fully forgiven because i still hold that grudge- and usually it's not some major vendetta against a person it's just this memory in the back of my mind that kind of sits there and brews and boils, combining with other events that i blew off and let go, until it creates this explosion within me- and that's no good right. but i guess my questoin is, do i make a bigger deal out of the small things when tehy're happening? cuz i feel like that's just annoying and that's just making them bigger as they go rather than trying to let them go as if it doesn't bother me....i dunno.

changedfish- yeah i'm really not super fond of horses

the beatles were smart folk

if the most important thing is love...
and the biggest part of a relationship is equity...
then....i think i need to learn better investing

changedfish- what's a nasdaq?

everyone knows i'm in over my head...

i'll admit i'm terribly selfish
i'll admit i'm quite unreasonable
i'll admit i'm entirely ridiculous

i don't know why i create these stupid double standards, or why i can't let things go. i don't know why i push people away and i don't know why i won't let them leave me alone. it's like i have this insatiable need for people to have to figure me out and that's dumb. i think one of the best things i had going for me was the fact that i was easy-going, almost predictable, but i ruin even that. i can't be easy going because why? because i feel that i'm owed something? because all the other girls do it? like that's dumb, i hate being one of the other girls, i hate being high maintenance and demanding, i hate people walking on eggshells around me in order not to wake the beast, in order to keep the anger at bay, to make sure that the princess is happy- that's crap, and that isn't who i am but sometimes i do get bothered by pointless problems and sometimes i do make a big deal out of nothing. of course that's not a crime but it's something i need to admit to myself- not act high and mighty as if i have never done a stupid girl thing- because i have. i have a lot of things in my life that i need to work on a lot of me that isn't broken but needs fixing and i blame my faults on other people and i excuse my behavior and act as if i am validated in my petiness. it's ridiculous- i'm ridiculous. i'm sorry ok? i'm sorry that i can't just let things go that need to be let go. i'm sorry that i bring up little things and make them bigger. i'm sorry that i let the one minor smidgen of a bad detail completely destroy all of the wonderful main points. i'm sorry that i focus on the bad and claim to be an optimist. i'm sorry taht i make you feel worse than you already do and don't feel bad about it. i'm sorry that i don't recognize your effort and pout when you fail to praise me for mine. i'm sorry that i use my mean voice, i'm sorry i get crabby. i'm sorry that i'm pitiful and small and walk around roaring like a lion. i'm sorry i won't let you in and i'm sorry i can't keep you out. i'm sorry i keep you around and i'd be more sorry to let you go. i'm sorry that i crave attention and claim to be humble. i'm sorry that i act out and expect to be praised. i'm sorry that i hug hard and hit harder. i'm sorry that i'm harsh and unfeeling all while being sensitive and broken. i'm sorry i'm scarred and i'm sorry you can't fix that. i'm sorry that i use you and i'm sorry that i act as if i don't. i'm sorry if i portray you wrong and i'm sorry if i belittle you. i'm sorry if i don't show you your due respect, i'm sorry if you think you don't deserve it. i'm sorry i can't take a compliment and it's worse that i don't give them. i'm sorry i make fun of you all the time, and i'm sorry that sometimes i mean it. i'm sorry that you're hurting and i'm sorry i can't make it better. i'm sorry things didn't go the way you wanted and i'm sorry i let you think they would.
basically what i'm trying to say is i've made a lot of mistakes and i'm not always proud of the way i've acted, i know i can be difficult and i appreciate your patience.

changedfish- don't hate me por favor

Deja Vu

i know i've written a blog about this feeling before, i just don't have time to look for it...

changedfish- the patron saint of lost causes

you're the catalyst

changedfish- the vein, the pain, the scar

Isn't it IRONIC?

omgsh i'm like so flabbergasted right now- i mean like the first time i was laughing because that never happends but then TWO DAYS IN A ROW...like i love this, i love this for you because i'm so happy that you're happy but like this is so beyond humanly orchestrated. i mean talk about divine appointments, it's getting to be so crazy surreal- this is the 3rd time this week that it's just been so hilarious. it makes you all giddy and that makes the room so much better. i mean honestly the week before i was just sitting at this spot thinking when is the light at the end of the tunnel, wondering how this would work with our conflicting moods and now- oh how the Lord works. i say i'm so happy to have you in my life- well that's true for so many more reasons than just this....but this is really funny still : )

changedfish- yey for subway hahaha

WARNING

I've tripped again and things are starting to get interesting
Don't give me choices cause I can't decide
My mind is soaked in words
I've come to terms with all my insecurities
And purity's no friend of mine

And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me

You're kinda cool but I know better than to break the rules
Of messin' with a lesson that I'll never learn
I'll go from bad to worse and later back to better
But I'll never better bridges that I'm bent to burn

And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me

This is a warning
This is a warning
This is a warning

And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me

If you're trying to change me
If you're trying to change me


changedfish- unchangable?

the shoreline calls the sea....

ok so i'll admit, i'm not great about keeping up with things- example, i've had 2 email addresses closed on me because i didn't check them enough and NOW my open diary is gone, i mean that one i thought would still be up cuz i've neglected it for longer than i did this time and it's still been there but i went to write on it today and it was GONE!
that was is like my annonymous of all annonymous ones and it really only has like 4 posts but still it was important to me...it's like when my changedfish email got deleted, it had all my saved emails in it and like honeslty i only didn't use it for like a month and it went away! so while i really don't need to re-agonize over old emails i still was upset that they didn't let me decide whether or not i wanted to keep them.
i suppose it is true that often times when you neglect something it ceases to exist (i.e. our fish which recently passed) but some things you don't assume will go away because they're permanent feeling- bricks for instance.
whatever now i have to find a new way to annonymously post somewhere

changedfish- bond, james bond

F-R-I-E-N-D-S-H-I-P

"friend" is such a relative term. what does it mean to be one's "friend" or especially "best friend" i mean we say it as if we one have one and yet we will say this is "one of my best friends" implying there are several. what is the criteria to be ones friend? does it mean you confide in that person or simply spend time with them? does it mean you enjoy their company as much as they enjoy yours or can friendship be one-sided? can you be friends with a person you barely know or not friends with someone you know quite well? do you truly get to define your own guidlines for your friendships or are there certain overarching themes that must be present in all friendships? i guess i just wonder how we define such a lucid term- everyone knows what it means and yet do we? i challenge that most of us have no idea what it means to be a friend, me included, i may go so far as to say most of us call friends those whom we do not treat as friends. not that friendship is based wholly on action but there is a certain amount of action required in anything you claim. faith without works is dead is it not? 1 john says that true love is this that we lay down our life for our friend....you may say sure you'd die for your friend but would you really? if it was annonymous, if there was no audience, if it was based on your heart attitude, would you give up your LIFE for a friend? and sometimes that doesn't mean death, giving up your life does not simply mean your physical life, doesn't mean you have no breath in your body but there are a lot of things in our lives that we would not sacrifice for a friend (dont' even get me started on sacrificing for our Lord) would you give up your job? would you give up your time? would you give up your health? your comfort? your riches? would you give up your dignity? your pride? would you give up your music collection? your video games or movies? if a friend was in need and that's what it took would you do so or would you count on another to do it? would you say "well that's not my responsibility." if a friend made poor decisions and got themselves into a bad situation would you be there to pull them out or would you blame them for their shortcomings? would you give up the things that you hold so dear- your possesions, THINGS,(not even a life) for a person?
can you call these people friends? if you are not willing to offer them anything, not willing to sacrifice i would say that you can not- i am guilty of the same, there are many people that i don't honestly think i would give anything up for and yet i will call them my friends....is that the worst sin, perhaps not, but i submit that it is a terrible lie we all tell ourselves. and then to say something along the lines of "Jesus is my best friend"....is he really? sure you would die-literally- for him but would you sacrifice your image? would you stand up for something against the face of adversary? would you actually dedicate time and resources to the one that SAVED YOUR LIFE? or do you only claim to...
this sounds like a rant but i am the guiltiest, i can not stand before God or man and say that i have not done this exact thing, continue to do it, to say things i don't mean, continue to run my mouth and claim all of these things that i know make me sounds like super christian when in reality if it comes down to heart issue i can't say that i have it, i don't know if i have what it takes to say that i am truly a friend of Jesus, to say that i would say i believe in Him at the end of a gun is all so simply but it's the daily living part that gets me. it's not the ultimate sacrifice that is tough y'all, it's the day in day out trial and error kind of life that we must lead in order to have friendships that's the issue....

changedfish- who are your friends?

Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst the only ones we really love
I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment
For the rest of our lives

changedfish- freeze frame

i am the most imperfect at my best
i want the best for others
and i'm jealous when they get it
my love for my brother is over shadowed by my hate
and in all things i continually vacilate

out of this same mouth comes cursing and praise
my heart is full of goodness and shame
i long to be righteous and then i gratify my flesh
i repent and then i do it all again

i am oh God a jumbled mass of motives
i fall prostrate before you in praise
i shake my fist and rail at you in anger
i covenant to do right and then disobey

some days it's five steps forward ten steps back
cause me to remain to dwell in your land
bind me if you must that you may keep me
from jumping over the precipice that lures me

Jesus i know i have a friend in you
but it's not enough to say i love you
cause this lowly sinner in everything i do
to walk as you would have me to

Jesus please know that my repentance isn't fake
i do so long for the things of God
please forgive me my mistakes
i know my sin is ever before me till i'm home
but keep me from these contradictions Lord

changedfish- used to be so strong....what happened to loving your neighbor as yourself?

I felt my heart beat for the first time today...

changedfish