who i am today and who i will be 2 days from now are completely different people...
but i think that's ok with me



hence the title- changedfish....refugee

it just makes me laugh ok....how is it that silly things in life get you from bland mood to grand mood?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uvXsgSI-n4

changedfish- fiddy fiddy cent y'all!

most frequently asked question: do you ever worry that at the end of this when you go to speak that you'll open your mouth and nothing will come out?

oddest aspect of this: people who i haven't told slash that i don't even know, know that i'm not talking....small campus- word gets around evidently

changedfish

What is love? baby don't hurt me- haddaway





love is how it's lost not how it's found- azure ray




you are what you love, not what loves you back- jenny lewis





love is watching someone die- ben gibbard





love is a fast song- copeland





love is a battlefields- pat benatar





love is the movement, love is a revolution- switchfoot





love is all you need- beatles





and if they try to tell you love fades with time tell them there's no such thing as time- jack johnson





i am loving waiting, yet hating it too- andrew "cos" costerisan





always love, hate will get you every time- nada surf





The power of love is a curious thing make a one man weep, make another man sing- huey lewis





i believe in love but i'm completely by myself alone;

love is more important than monogamy- savage garden

I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart- the darkness

love is a many splendid thing- various




love lifts us up where we belong- joe cocker




changedfish- if i have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, i am nothing (1 Cor 13)

week one down yo!

i think what i'm learning more than anything else is just how much people love me. i mean the fact that it's so difficult to slip into the background and not be a key player does say something about my friendship. granted i force myself into that position being as loud as i am that i'm impossible to ignore but still it's interesting to watch how much people want to know how it's going and how i'm doing and try so hard to communicate with me. i know that to some extent that's the exact opposite of my original intent with this but it seems that my decision is a bigger deal to others than to me (thanks all you "helpers" out there who like to over-enforce and tell me i can't laugh!), it truly hasn't been that hard for me. sure there are times when i want to talk but i feel like it feels right at times too, to just sit and listen.
now i should be clear that if it were complete and utter silence for 40 straight days with no exceptions and no communication possible i would shrivel up and cry lol...i do get to talk for work and for ministry and i'll get to talk on my spring break trip and then pretty soon it's easter break. also here in the room my roommate do a bit of talking. it wasn't my original plan but i told her before this whole thing started that i wanted her to be honest with me about how much she wanted me to talk- this is not some crazy psych experiment, it's supposed to be beneficial and seriously after like 3 days you could just feel the strain in our relationship. i think if i were ever to recommend giving up talking to anyone i would say to pick one person- roommate, best friend, mom, spouse, whomever, that you talk to and they agree that you can talk with them. it's not just beneficial to me but really whoever is the closest person to you really does take a blow for it to you know. i dunno, i feel like each day i'm doing this for a different purpose. yes i am trying to be less attention hungry and people are finally starting to warm up to the idea and forget i'm there at times. it's been neat to see where conversations go that i think i would've stiffled, and it's neat to hear quieter people get a chance to give in their two-cents. and i dont' just mean liek "wow, cool" it's more like a constant reminder of why i need to do this in the first place. like seriously, i don't mind being loud and talking much of the time but there are definately days and times when i feel like i'm looking in on me from the outside and the outside me is looking at the gabbering me, wagging her finger and thinking, "wow, shut up already, no one's listening" lol...and i don't say that to be some crazy self-loathing remark, it's just that i found this semester that i had more of those days than days when i felt like i was saying something valuable, and i could jsut feel my control of how much i was outputting slipping and soon i felt like i couldn't stop myself from saying too much, too often, that didn't even matter...i needed something radical to shake me up and get me to at least consider not being completely ridiculous all the time.
my biggest fear is that this isn't going to teach me anything- i feel like it's almsot going by too fast (i know, quote me on that 3 weeks in lol) but still it's like this weekend is refugee weekend already! and then the next week it's spring break already!! next thing i knwo it's going to be easter and i'm gonna be like, wait no, i'm not ready to talk yet i haven't learned my lesson...
though something i'm learning is to let myself be who God's made me to be. like not trying to be this mousy person that i'm simply not cut out to be. we learned in urban min not to try to be all ghetto when we just aren't. God made me white middle class suburban for a reason and he made me loud for a reason too. i just have to be sure that i'm not using the traits He gave me for things that distract attention to me and away from Him.
on another note i feel like i'm getting into a place where i'm starting to trust God with my future and it's a little bit freaking me out. see i like to have a plan, i like to know what i'm doing and where i'm headed and i have this tendency to pick a path and then be all gung-ho about it. like seriously when i got to cedarville i had just switched from psych to comm arts and i was set on going to grad school and being a professor and a public speaker and all of this and looking at the forensics team and the debate team and then God was like, oh sweet pea, you're all messed up, here you go- and He picked me up and placed me on a new path- and then i was all set on psych and abstincence programs that i was going to get into, and decided to nix any thoughts of grad school cuz who needs it when i'm not going to be a counselor..then came urban min and again my world is like- what is going on? do i want to head to the city do i not? and then one of my mentors in the abstinence ed world says that grad school is key and defianetly should be on my mind and i'm like, ok back to square one? and now i'm in adv. urban, and contemporary world missions, and psych classes and abstience ministries and i'm sitting here like, wow i could move home, i could move to a foreign country, i could move to the city, i could.....do anything and i'm just so conflicted and all i hear from others is "just stop worrying and trust God" and i do...see that's the thing, i truly believe that no matter what, i'll be ok, and i know that i'm trying my hardest not to worry about the future and to just give Him the reigns but with so many options it is a little nerve-racking. so bizzare to say that having too much opportunity is a problem, is that not just the irony of life- i mean there are millions in this world who have no options at all and then i have too many and i'm complaining, what is this?

while you were sleeping, i figured out everything, i was constructed for you and you were molded for me, now i feel your name coursing through my veins, you shine so bright it's insane you put the stars to shame-changedfish-

wow, so i just had a dream that i talked and then repremanded myself for it...this is too funny

changedfish- silence is liberating

My mama's funny : )
so my mom's reading some book about a women and her journey with God or something (i dunno, didn't read the book) and at one point she goes to India and visits this religious get-away spot called an ashram....anyhow, due to my little vow of silence she sent me part of the book- i thought it was fitting

"On my ride back to the Ashram, after seeing Richard off at the airport, I decide that I've been talking too much. To be honest, I've been talking too much my whole life, but I've really been talking too much during my stay at the Ashram. I have another two months here, and I don't want to waste the greatest spiritual opportunity of my life by being all social and chatty the whole time. It's been amazing for me to discover that even here, even in a sacred environment of spiritual retreat on the other side of the world, I have managed to create a cocktail-party-like vibe around me. It's not just Richard I've been talking to constantly - though we did do the most gabbing - I'm always yakking with somebody. I've even found myself - in an Ashram, mind you!- creating appointments to see acquaintances, having to say to somebody, "I'm sorry, I can't hang out with you at lunch today because I promised Sakshi I would eat with her...maybe we could make a date for next Tuesday."

This has been the story of my life. It's how I am. But I've been thinking lately that this is maybe a spiritual liability. Silence and solitude are universally recognized spiritual practices, and there are good reasons for this. Learning how to discipline your speech is a way of preventing your energies from spilling out of you through the rupture of your mouth, exhausting you and filling the world with words, words, words instead of serenity, peace and bliss. Swamiji, my Guru's master, was a stickler about silence in the Ashram, heavily enforcing it as a devotional practice. He called silence the only true religion. It's ridiculous how much I've been talking at this Ashram, the one place in the world where silence should - and can - reign.

So I'm not going to be the Ashram social bunny anymore, I've decided. No more scurrying, gossiping, joking. No more spotlight-hogging or conversation-dominating. No more verbal tap-dancing for pennies of affirmation. {I love that line} It's time to change. Now that Richard is gone, I'm going to make the remainder of my stay a completely quiet experience. This will be difficult, but not impossible, because silence is universally respected at the Ashram. The whole community will support it, recognizing your deciaion as a disciplined act of devotion. In the bookstore they even sell little badges you can wear which read, "I am in silence."

I'm going to buy four of those little badges.

On the drive back to the Ashram, I really let myself dip into a fantasy about just how silent I am going to become now. I will be so silent that it will make me famous. I imagine myself becoming known as That Quiet Girl. I'll just keep to the Ashram schedule, take my meals in solitude, meditate for endless hours every day and scrub the temple floors without making a peep. My only interaction with others will be to smile beautifically at them from within my self-contained world of stillness and piety. People will talk about me. They'll ask, "Who is That Quiet Girl in the back of the temple, always scrubbing the floors, down on her knees? She never speaks. She's so elusive. She's so mystical. I can't even imagine what her voice sounds like. You never even hear her coming up behind you on the garden path when she's out walking...she moves as silently as the breeze. She must be in a constant state of meditative communion with God. She's the quietest girl I've ever seen."

changedfish- "My brain's repeating "If you've got an impulse let it out" But they never make it past my mouth"

day one of silence

it's interesting how many times people talk about talking in a day- when you're not talking i think you notice it a lot more.
seriously though, it was so great to sit in my advanced urban class this morning and just listen- not think about what i'm going to say next, not worry about whether what i said went over well, just listen.
it's interesting that the hardest part of this isn't really the not talking, it's getting others to understand the purpose. seriously it's not about me not talking. yes i know i'm loud and talk too much but what i hope to gain isn't so much an appreciation for silence but rather being able to take the backseat in social gatherings. i spend so much time deciding what i'm going to say and how i can be funny and get people to like me and stuff. it doesn't help when now i'm not talking but that has become the focus adn the entertainment is asking me quesotins and trying to get me to play charades or saying funny things to see what reaction i'll give.
i don't know how to fix it, like i don't knwo how to get people to understand the purpose but i think it'll just take some adjustment on all fronts (i knew it'd be an adjustment for me but i didn't fully think about others adjusting)

it's late, i need sleep and i can't think of all the things that my silence taught me today but it was definately a good day number one : )

changedfish- I entertain by the silence that you created by noise

i sent out this email today...

hey so i know that it's belated lent (truly didn't realize it was lent until this weekend so i claim innocence, really it's more like ignorance) but i've decided that this year i wanted to participate and i never have before. to go with a bang i've decided to give up...TALKING. now i'm sending this to you is so you realize i'm not being a jerkface when i don't respond to you verbally.why? you may ask (as if it's not obvious) i just really feel the Lord telling me that my pride is getting out of hand and if i can't even listen to other humans what does that say about listening to Him. i think He wants to teach me the value of listening and what others have to offer and show me how much i need to learn from others but i haven't let Him do that, so now He's basically laid it on my heart that it's time to force it.

now i am allowing myself a few exceptions because this isn't exactly like giving up sugar or tv, communication is vital to our existance as human beings so here are my exceptions:
1. work (i make phone calls for a living, it's a necessity)
2. meetings (STARS, -sanctify and peace project maybe- and mis each week, hard to get to play get to know ya games without talking)
3. refugee weekend (i know refugee's don't always speak the language of where they end up but i'm going to allow myself to speak that weekend anyhow)
4. spring break (i'm thinking for the missions trip i'll need to speak)
5. easter break (granted lent ends about then but when i go home with another's family i think it's rude not to say hello and thanks for having me)
6. when directly addressed by a prof or other who need a verbal response (i'm not going to like raise my hand but if for some reason they call me out i just think it's disrespectful not to answer-even for lent)
7. if someone really needs to talk (just let me know it's important and i'll be there)-i may or may not add a disclaimer about one-on-one outings, however i haven't decided whether to just postpone said outtings until after lent or what...
(i reserve the right to add NECESSITIES to this list, i'm not trying to find a way to get around it, i just don't really want it to cause problems- it's supposed to be a good thing remember)

i'm not really trying to cut off all communication, i will still answer emails and facebook, etc. but i will try my hardest not to make those a higher priority while this is taking place. if you really need to talk to me, like i say, let me know, but for the most part just be aware that i won't be answering my phone (i suppose text is still ok) or responding in conversation, but you're allowed to talk to me whether i'm talking back or not. i don't plan on wearing paper and a pen around my neck or anything, this isn't about the SPOKEN word it's about letting others take centerstage and shutting up for once in my life (because as you all know it may never happen again). i'm sure i will be made fun of and messed with at first but i hope that you can respect this as a true desire of my heart to become background rather than a simple "i wonder if i can do it" self-challenge, bringing attention to my decision/behavior/what-have-you completely defeats the purpose.

i don't know what else to say, this is really long already. i do invite you to let me know what you think about this if you feel so inclined, whether good or bad (i appreciate encouragement, i don't think this will be easy)

so yeah, that's my piece, happy lent
Melanie
ps if there's someone i missed that you think should get this email just forward it to them, k? thanks!!


changedfish- so here we go

you know, i had a lot to think about today- war, cancer, death, homosexuality, acedemics- and that's just dealing with the people i know, i can't imagine the rest of the world. but i've decided that amidst it all God is still good, whatever that means i know it's true.
Psalm 36
5 Your lovingkindness, O LORD, extends to the heavens,
Your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
6 Your righteousness is like the mountains of God;
Your judgments are like a great deep
O LORD, You preserve man and beast.
7 How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!
And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings.
8 They drink their fill of the abundance of Your house;
And You give them to drink of the river of Your delights.
9 For with You is the fountain of life;
In Your light we see light.
10 O continue Your lovingkindness to those who know You,
And Your righteousness to the upright in heart.
11 Let not the foot of pride come upon me,
And let not the hand of the wicked drive me away.
12 There the doers of iniquity have fallen;
They have been thrust down and cannot rise.

changedfish- so light the fire in my heart again