Hug the way you love

Sometimes loving people is the only gift you'll ever give them.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

i'm so tired, so tired of hearing about your problems.
i'm so done, so done with the way things have been.
i'm so confused, so confused about what i should say to you.
i'm so lost, so lost as to why you confide in me.
i'm so afriad, so afraid not to pay attention.
i'm so drained, so drained of any more words to say to you.
i'm so worried, so worried i'll say the wrong thing.
i'm so scared, so scared i won't have enough time.
i'm so ready, so ready to give up on your situation.
i'm so sure, so sure i can't help.
i'm so unaware, so unaware of what you really need.
i'm so unqualified, so unqualified to handle what's next to come.

i'm so selfish, so selfish, so selfish- changedfish

Sunday, March 26, 2006

it's funny cuz at first i didn't miss you...and now that you don't miss me i find myself wanting.
hearing stories doesn't make it better-changedfish

Friday, March 24, 2006

opening night
well, in all honesty the performance was great, only a few minor mishaps that i doubt if anyone in the audience even noticed, and surprisingly enough i didn't laugh at my own jokes or trip or fall or anything, so i was uber proud of myself.
a few of my friends came to watch and i was excited that they came to support, but i have to say i DID WARN THEM about the content of the play...my deepest fears about this play were definately realized in the after-show comments of "wow mel, that was definately not you" and things of that nature...which is true, it's not me, hence it's called ACTING but they still said i did a good job, which i mean what else were they going to say but i think they really meant it..and plus i got flowers, beautiful stunning gorgeous smelling flowers which i absolutely adore! even if they sat there thinking "o my goodness what is this?" the whole time, at least they could see what i had been spending ALL MY TIME doing these past months
boy am i going to be glad when it's over...my hair can not take much more of this and i'm starting to loath makeup...and sobe! (different story) but i think for all my hard work and time spent, that in truth i am enjoying myself, i do like the cast and crew very very much and i think that sometimes stretching out of your comfort zone to do something you enjoy doing isn't a bad thing...i mean yes i definately wouldn't recommend the faint of heart seeing it and yea it's pretty embarassing, but that's the whole point, sometimes you have to just get out there and do it you know, just let yourself get excited and go for it!
"i lay it were lampito most likely"- changedfish

Monday, March 20, 2006

Lysistrata- up close and personal
so pretty much, the play opens in like 4 days...i'm soo not ready for this.
as much as i went back and forth on this i'm really glad i did it...bottom line, i love to act, and if me being there serves as any sort of moral anchor for this crazy play then how is that a bad thing? i mean yes, i wouldn't say this is my ideal script and it's a weird twisted play in every sense of the word, but if you step back and stop taking it so seriously it can be quite hilarious. i have never felt that believing in God means you can't still appreciate things for what they're worth. i mean if anything this is a comedy. it's funny because i'm never sure whether i should tell people to come see it or not lol..i mean i'm in it, and i'm proud to say that i was cast in a college production as a moderately main part while still being in high school, i mean i AM the youngest person in the play and i think i'm not doing a half bad job for it being my first actual community theature, i have a lot to learn but i doubt if anyone will say "that girl sucked". i want people to see the play cuz i think it's funny and i want people to see me in it but at the same time some of it is a tad embarassing and my costume is uhm interesting and the entire thing is a little bit odd. it's like you're not sure if your amused or offended sometimes. i think it'll go over well but shoot does it have to start so soon? i mean i'm just getting into it and really getting everything down, i'm afriad it'll be over before i reach my peak haha. i guess i'll see...it's been an experience to say the absolute least. i mean every day on that set is an adventure and i've learned a lot about theature and productions and costumes and sets and working with people. i mean let me tell you something, the theature crowd isn't always the most normal haha...but i've come to love them, and in turn they have grown to somewhat co-exist with me haha...i think some of them may actually enjoy my company every-so-often.
i dunno, i mean it's pointless to even write this down, cuz i mean it's just another ramble about my inability to think on one subject longer than a tic-tac. it's true though, i get writting and it's like a trance, where i'm just off and thinking a million miles an hour, it's like every other time in my life i'm thinking one thing at a time (ok that's a lie i'm generally thinking like 12) but when i'm writting it's like all that melts away adn chaos reigns..all i can think is everything i want to say and when i try to get it down into writing it's gone.
don't do drugs kids, it's an endless cycle- changedfish

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

esteem issues anyone?
ok so i was watching oprah today-even though it was a re-run of a show i'd already seen- and it was all on teen girls and issues with weight and boys and thinking you're ugly and fat and all that, and it was all uplifting and "you're beautiful, remember that" for like an hour and i was thinking, well as much as this pertains to me, these are quite extreme cases i'm not THAT bad, and i began thinking about how these days people try so hard to be all esteem building and uplifting and don't you dare let anyone feel poorly about themselves and i'm not knocking that i mean i think that's a good thing obviously but at the same time we should stop trying so hard to make people feel like princesses and try harder to produce humble yet secure children, now doesn't that sound like a good medium? i mean i'd rather have a slightly insecure child then a swollen headed brat now wouldn't you agree....although i do feel that teens of today suffer greatly from a low view of themselves but that's just a stage we all suffer through and get over ya no?
kinda makes me think of this play i'm doing...the director well he's a total nut job right but at the same time he has no trouble with this self-esteem crap, he just tells us it was terrible...he tells us that every rehearsal, that the play is horrible that it's just not any good and none of us are any good and we need to work harder and do it faster because if his play is going to be bad at least it will be over quickly right? and although we're constantly complaining about him never complimenting anything even once (well maybe once, but hardly ever) we still listen to him every single night as he knocks this play, us, himself, and a lot of other things..and you know what, rather than us getting all teary eyed and thinking we're terrible actors, he gets us to try harder, to want to be better, to prove him wrong, that's honestly what i'm thinking when i'm up there in front of him, i'll show him, i'll be the best Lampito there ever was and we'll see if at the end of the scene he corrects me, and you know what the last few times he hasn't mentioned my preformance once during his criticism...and that's a good thing, because he only talks about the negative things, and it used to be me all the time, and it's not anymore, and that is what makes me proud of myself..it's not him telling us, it was good or praising us for each and everything we've done right, it's him yelling at us for 15 minutes until all you want to do is make it better so he'll shut up...that's what i call accomplishment in this play! tonight, i was genuinely proud of my preformance, he didn't stop me ONCE he didn't complian about me or make me re-do any of my lines or tell me my preformance was bad...not ONCE ALL NIGHT...and that my friends makes me beam with joy- even if oprah doesn't agree
changedfish- defy oprah? never!

Saturday, March 11, 2006

And no, none of it's true
'cause I never knew you
and now the truth of it is,
is I wanna be like you
So hello, good friend,
I wanna be next to you
For my head, for my heart,
for what's true
So take me
and save me
and change me
and then make me
And embrace me
and then brave my heart for you
No, no, 'cause I can't go on without you
And it's time for something never knowing, oh
changedfish- how can i breath without you?

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Sometimes I drive around with my eyes closed tight because if the skyline looks this way then I don't want to sleep tonight.

...Why can't I?changedfish

Friday, March 03, 2006

In case you were bored: this is my narrative speech for english

Lying there in the dark, listening to her labored breathing, I wondered how in the world I had ended up there, somehow in charge of this ten year old girl’s fragile life.
It all started with a small suggestion from a friend. "Hey do you want to counsel at Camp Superstuff with me this summer?" It sounded simple enough right? Spend a weekend in the mountains corralling a few kiddies and nab some bonus community service hours- it was cake. Let me explain a little something to you about Camp Superstuff. You see, Camp Superstuff isn’t just any ordinary summer camp. Camp Superstuff is also spoken of fondly as Asthma Camp- it’s a weekend entirely devoted to educating and entertaining asthmatic children ages six to twelve. Like most people on the planet, I found the idea kind of dorky. A camp for sick kids? What exactly can they do if they can’t run around?
What I came to find out, during that fateful weekend at Lassen Pines, was that these children have a bond, a bond closer than that of siblinghood, a bond closer than that of friendship, it was a bond of understanding circumstances.
Upon my arrival, I was excited to meet all of the staff members I would be working with for the next few days. All of them were very nice. Some were doctors, many were nurses, and the rest were just teens like me. We played a few cheesy "get to know ya" games, followed by more cheesy leadership and group building games. Although many were returning members of the staff, we took a tour around the facility and reviewed rules and regulations. Being as these are "special" children there was quite an extensive set of medical procedures to go over and a few insurance forms to peruse. Though the never ending list of what-if’s seemed daunting I wasn’t worried, I had two other counselors in my cabin, one was a nurse and one would soon become one, so what did I have to worry about?
What I didn’t happen to notice during this little session was that I was the only person on the entire staff that did not suffer from asthma, and while it didn’t seem important to me, it was the short straw that would matter most in the end.
Sometime shortly before eleven o’clock in the morning our campers began to arrive. Some came in buses, some in cars, some seemed to pop up out of no where, as if they’d been there all their lives just hiding in the grass. As a few wrangled up lunch, the rest of us organized some moderately active games out in the field. I had somehow managed to rally up my group of eight 10 year old girls and all of their luggage without any mishaps so I was feeling pretty confident in my ability to lead a small army. And it was then that the boom hit.
Now I don’t know how much education the rest of you have about lice, but at the time all I knew was that it made your head itch and as far as I was concerned people didn’t really get it anymore, I related it closely to the measles. So when itty bitty Sarah began to scratch her head I didn’t think twice about having it checked
A few hours later a co-counselor of mine, the nurse I mentioned earlier, came to wonder about little Sarah as well. Sarah was one of our low-income campers. Being as this camp is put on by the American Lung Association they pride themselves in never turning a camper away for financial reasons, though I think they should have added a disclaimer about communicable diseases and head lice. After it was confirmed that skinny Sarah was in fact our cabins "lice girl" they whisked her to the med cabin and lathered her with some special chemicals.
ISarah returned to the cabin to set up her things nearly an hour later, and with her followed quite the stench. I didn’t know that little lice have sensitive noses but obviously that is the case or else why would the only thing that drives them away be so putrid? I’m one tough cookie, and I can stand salon-smell but what you may not be thinking about is the chemical factor. Chemicals, such as those found in lice rinses, trigger asthma symptoms: Shortness of breath, Hyperventilation, Lack of air flow. Panic arises when one by one my girls are dropping like flies, and not only them but my co-counselors as well. As they start to flip out so do I. I may have been the only one in the cabin that was able to breath normally but that didn’t mean I was prepared to escort seven campers and two counselors to the med cabin, while at the same time calming down lice girl who also can’t breath, but can’t escape. They had to clear out, and air out, our entire cabin of girls and move them into a vacant cabin. All of the girls, except of course me and slender Sarah. She’s crying, she’s having trouble breathing, and she’s expecting me to make it all better.
We spend a chilly night silent, on opposite ends of the now seemingly enormous cabin. I’m too young and inexperienced to know how to make it all better. She’s to young and ashamed to admit how traumatized she is. Morning seems to approach a lot slower when your trying to stay awake, making sure a fragile girl is still breathing.
You think you can predict how a gaggle of preteens will react to a low income scrawny girl with lice. I figured she would be left out the entire weekend. Ostracized for her differences, her lack of perfection I remembered back to my fifth grade year and hung my head knowing how many girls had not been nice to outcast classmates.
Morning came, and with morning breakfast. And for my slim Sarah a relieving hair rinse. After freeing her from her chemical prison, she and I skipped off to breakfast, to an alarming display of character. My girls latched on to Sarah as if she was a princess. They complimented her outfit, shared their cinnamon rolls, and practically toppled over each other to sit by her and be her best friend. Turns out they felt so bad for having to leave her alone that they thought they would over compensate and make her feel welcome.
I assumed counseling a few young girls would be cake, that I knew what girls that age were like, but that day I stood in awe. I’ve learned not to judge books by their cover. Not to presuppose that all children will act as I did.
I’ve learned that Asthma camp is NOT for sissies. changedfish
My Grotefund Scholarship Application Autobiography...i just thought it was remotely interesting
During the winter of my eighth grade, I really got involved with my church’s youth group and decided that I wanted to live my life wholly for the Lord. That year, I attended winter camp up at Mt. Meadows, and I remember deciding that I was going to be friends with anyone and everyone in my class in order to show them that God loved them. It may sound like a very elementary gesture, but if you’ve ever come in contact with junior high girls, then you probably realize this was quite a feat. It turned out to be quite a witness, actually, and has helped me in high school, as well, to be kind and appreciate all the people in my classes, no matter how they are viewed by others.
Having God as a major part of my life wasn’t always as easy as it is for me now. When I became a Christian I was joining my mother, but in a sense deserting my father and sister whom were not believers. To me, family is probably the most important and influential part of a persons life, whether they choose to accept that fact or not. And knowing that I was making a choice to divide that bond was quite challenging.
Of all the gifts God has granted me, I think the strongest is my ability to relate to people and accept them for who God has made them. For many people my age, they find it is truly difficult to look past the stereotypes and rumors, to find what a person is truly like; I know I could never do that on my own. I know it has to be God. My one true passion (besides the Lord of course) is people, all types and groups of people of all ages. I truly enjoy spending time with different kinds of people. Hearing their opinions and experiences helps me deal with the things that are going on in my life. There are so many wise Christian examples around for me to follow, and the more I observe and learn from them, the stronger I feel in my faith.
Throughout my high school years I have divided my time among many activities, some church based, some athletically based, some academically based, and some just for the joy of it. I golfed for Foothill’s JV and Varsity teams my freshman and sophomore years. I became my class’ Secretary/Treasurer during my sophomore year and held the position through my junior year. I was chosen to be a part of my youth group’s leadership team, when it first began the June after my Freshman year, and am still an active member today. I’ve spent several hours serving at the Good News Rescue Mission and House of Hope as well as being involved in Key club my freshman and junior years, while only being able to volunteer sporadically during the other two years of high school. I have been on missions trips, counseled at several summer camps and best of all, I have had the privilege of babysitting for several families, whose children I have fallen head over heels in love with. But most importantly, I have attempted to spend my odds and ends hours at home with my family (all of whom are now believers). As I mentioned before, I absolutely adore all kinds of people and being able to be involved in such a variety of things these past four years has been amazing.
As for my walk with the Lord right now, I can’t say that it is perfect. I rarely spend all the time I need to in prayer and devotion with Him, nor do I share my faith with others nearly as much as I would like to. But I can say that I make a constant effort to make my life about Him; and I know that my life is so dramatically better because of my relationship with him.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

These are a few of my favorite things...
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my favorite shoes, and my favorite university!

disclaimer: the shirt came in a VERY small package from cedarville, hence the wrinkles, i will be washing it and altering it to fit, have no fear!
changedfish-dizzying
she has trouble acting normal when she's nervous...
ok so i was thinking just now about the rainforest (yes i know, random, but daniel picked the topic- so blame him) but anyhow, i was thinking about the rainforest and how it's such a singular sounding word and yet it's not like there is just one rainforest, right? i mean the word rainforest makes me think somewhat equally of a fictional place in a sci-fi book and of a big rainy forest. and yet still i think of it only as one specific place, and as far as i know it's not so much a place as it is a description. it's like there's all this talk about people destroying the rainforest or it dying due to pollution or even when they say good things about how diverse it is in flora and fauna still, don't they make it sound as if it were only one place on earth, it's like saying that there's this certain location and all these things are happening and i always think to myself, sheesh if there's only one rainforest and we keep cutting it down and polluting it, isn't it going to die, why can't we cut down trees everywhere else on the planet? (i guess that's teh green party in me) however it reminds me of some show or movie i saw that had this guy talking to this girl about how when he was a kid he thought that "gunpoint" was an actual place. and everytime he would hear on the news "man robbed at gunpoint" he would think the man was actually in a place called gunpoint and was robbed, and the guy was explaining how he thought all these horrible things happened in this one town and he just could not figure out why anyone would want to live in such a horrid place..but i think it's the same thing with the rainforest, i just always imagine it to be one specific forest, and not even a large forest, and i mean talk about your greenery is that ever a big forest, but something about the word rainforest just doesn't portray the vastness that truly is the rainforest. however, i don't think that i could better name the rainforest...i mean it's a giant forest with record amounts of rainfall so where does the name go wrong? i mean it wouldn't be any better if you called it the great big green now would it? at least when you say rainforest it gives it the exotic touch, somehow rainforest just denotes that certain mixture of deep fir green and crystal clear blue.....in fact...now that i think about it, calling the rainforest the rainforest seems rather perfect...quite picturesque and poetic somehow, at least in my head...like it's some eden of a place, unattainable and perfect, preserved by the water logged clouds.
i like to change my mind, i'm young enough to be able to-changedfish