wow summer.
i don't know what happens with this blog, i have these points where i write like 2 posts a day and then these dry spells where whole sections of my life disappear and i don't document them.
this summer has been great and so odd at the same time. i've gotten much more comfortable transitioning from school to home but the longer i'm away the less home-like home begins to feel. i love my parents so much, they're truly the best parents ever but i just think i love them so much more when i'm not under their roof all the time. it's not an authority struggle or anything like that it's just that when i'm home i like to just chill and i don't really have time to right now because i did my internship for a million hours and now i'm up at camp and it's like i'm only home for a few hours here and there and so i want to spend time with them but i also need to relax and i think they're feeling like i don't want to see them.
and parent dynamics just change i mean they're getting older and i'm getting older and different things are important to us than were important a few years ago and so it's good to spend time with them and we have great conversations and we have a lot of fun but i'm starting to understand why it is that children need to leave their parents homes and move out.
being home is also weird because i'm not super like the rest of my family. i mean i'm not a black sheep per say, we have similarities but somedays i feel like i'm cut from a different mold. and now that my sister's home it's like the 3 amigos and their great uncle louie (me being louie). and it's not their fault at ALL, they try really hard to include me and to love on me (all the time..they follow me aroudn the house sometimes...it's a bit much) but it does become more and more obvious that i'm just a different person than they are. i dont' care about diets the way my mom and sister do and i don't feel the need to push myself to the physical limit on every bike ride the way my dad and sister do. and i have my cynical sarcasm moments when i like to be a bit less bubbly. i know i'm part of the family because we all have this creepy optimistic outlook on life and we think it's funny to say things liek "yeah well we all have problems" in the middle of a card game- and then repeat it 12 times in the next 10 minutes. but there are times and days when i look at them all and see how they are a very close-knit group and i'm just a bit of a square peg.
to be honest i kind of like being the different one, i don't need to be a carbon copy and i enjoy the independence that comes from being a step back from the mob mentality. it was more noticable earlier in the summer when i was actually home each night and it was the fab four family dinners and all, but recently it's been a crazy rush of me going to long beach and then camp and then sister's been gone and relatives have visited and it's just a flurry. we'll see how the rest of the summer goes. mom and i decided that our family just functions better one on one and not as a group because all we know how to do as a group is pick on each other and it doesn't create the calmest of environments.
this last week i took my GRE. it was fine, my scores weren't great, they were pretty average, i'll probably take the test again in the early fall. but it got me thinking. i mean i go back and forth on this grad school idea all the time. one day i'm definately going and the next i'm definately not and i've taken to just saying that i'm going to prepare to go in order to leave that window open but if i don't go then i don't. it's really hard for me to plan out my life when i don't know where it's going haha. i've tried the whole make my own plan thing and now i think i'll just wait and play it one step at a time. but anyhow this test got me thinking just about how my mental capacity only goes so far- now that's not a jab at myself, i think i'm plenty intelligent but eveyrone has their mental limit and the further in education i go the more i think that i've just about hit it. i like college and i love my classes but i simply will never be as smart as some others. and that's totally cool with me, it doesn't bother me not to go graduate school (in fact some days it weirds me out more to say that i am going to go because that sounds so smart-person and i don't feel that i am that person). it's one of those things where i feel like i'm pretty mature and i have a bit of life experience and i'm a basically logical person and so if i'm not this intellectual type who thinks above the clouds that's ok, i like being down to earth. and truly i think the main purpose i am on this planet is to be a wife and mother. maybe it will never happen, maybe i'm wrong, maybe that's not the plan. but it's just one of those instinctual things where i know that i can do that. life's so unpredictable and confusing and i don't know much, i don't know what i'll do after graduation adn i don't know if i could get in to grad school or pass grad school and i don't know if i could be a counselor and i don't know if i could be a research assistant and all of that. but i do know that i can cook adn i do know that i can do laundry and i do know that i can make a happy home and that i can take care of children and that i can be a supportive wife and mother and i can be a room mom at school and i can move wherever my husband gets a job and i can be happy no matter where our passions take us. those are things i know, more than most of life, those are things i know about myself. and therefore i just think that that's something i will end up doing. and if that's my main purpose then that's ok. i don't need to make a world wide discovery or be famous or change the world. if i could raise children who grow up and follow Jesus, i really can't think of a better life, a better calling, than that.
changedfish- don't worry, i have a few years of bacheloretteness in me : )
i don't know what happens with this blog, i have these points where i write like 2 posts a day and then these dry spells where whole sections of my life disappear and i don't document them.
this summer has been great and so odd at the same time. i've gotten much more comfortable transitioning from school to home but the longer i'm away the less home-like home begins to feel. i love my parents so much, they're truly the best parents ever but i just think i love them so much more when i'm not under their roof all the time. it's not an authority struggle or anything like that it's just that when i'm home i like to just chill and i don't really have time to right now because i did my internship for a million hours and now i'm up at camp and it's like i'm only home for a few hours here and there and so i want to spend time with them but i also need to relax and i think they're feeling like i don't want to see them.
and parent dynamics just change i mean they're getting older and i'm getting older and different things are important to us than were important a few years ago and so it's good to spend time with them and we have great conversations and we have a lot of fun but i'm starting to understand why it is that children need to leave their parents homes and move out.
being home is also weird because i'm not super like the rest of my family. i mean i'm not a black sheep per say, we have similarities but somedays i feel like i'm cut from a different mold. and now that my sister's home it's like the 3 amigos and their great uncle louie (me being louie). and it's not their fault at ALL, they try really hard to include me and to love on me (all the time..they follow me aroudn the house sometimes...it's a bit much) but it does become more and more obvious that i'm just a different person than they are. i dont' care about diets the way my mom and sister do and i don't feel the need to push myself to the physical limit on every bike ride the way my dad and sister do. and i have my cynical sarcasm moments when i like to be a bit less bubbly. i know i'm part of the family because we all have this creepy optimistic outlook on life and we think it's funny to say things liek "yeah well we all have problems" in the middle of a card game- and then repeat it 12 times in the next 10 minutes. but there are times and days when i look at them all and see how they are a very close-knit group and i'm just a bit of a square peg.
to be honest i kind of like being the different one, i don't need to be a carbon copy and i enjoy the independence that comes from being a step back from the mob mentality. it was more noticable earlier in the summer when i was actually home each night and it was the fab four family dinners and all, but recently it's been a crazy rush of me going to long beach and then camp and then sister's been gone and relatives have visited and it's just a flurry. we'll see how the rest of the summer goes. mom and i decided that our family just functions better one on one and not as a group because all we know how to do as a group is pick on each other and it doesn't create the calmest of environments.
this last week i took my GRE. it was fine, my scores weren't great, they were pretty average, i'll probably take the test again in the early fall. but it got me thinking. i mean i go back and forth on this grad school idea all the time. one day i'm definately going and the next i'm definately not and i've taken to just saying that i'm going to prepare to go in order to leave that window open but if i don't go then i don't. it's really hard for me to plan out my life when i don't know where it's going haha. i've tried the whole make my own plan thing and now i think i'll just wait and play it one step at a time. but anyhow this test got me thinking just about how my mental capacity only goes so far- now that's not a jab at myself, i think i'm plenty intelligent but eveyrone has their mental limit and the further in education i go the more i think that i've just about hit it. i like college and i love my classes but i simply will never be as smart as some others. and that's totally cool with me, it doesn't bother me not to go graduate school (in fact some days it weirds me out more to say that i am going to go because that sounds so smart-person and i don't feel that i am that person). it's one of those things where i feel like i'm pretty mature and i have a bit of life experience and i'm a basically logical person and so if i'm not this intellectual type who thinks above the clouds that's ok, i like being down to earth. and truly i think the main purpose i am on this planet is to be a wife and mother. maybe it will never happen, maybe i'm wrong, maybe that's not the plan. but it's just one of those instinctual things where i know that i can do that. life's so unpredictable and confusing and i don't know much, i don't know what i'll do after graduation adn i don't know if i could get in to grad school or pass grad school and i don't know if i could be a counselor and i don't know if i could be a research assistant and all of that. but i do know that i can cook adn i do know that i can do laundry and i do know that i can make a happy home and that i can take care of children and that i can be a supportive wife and mother and i can be a room mom at school and i can move wherever my husband gets a job and i can be happy no matter where our passions take us. those are things i know, more than most of life, those are things i know about myself. and therefore i just think that that's something i will end up doing. and if that's my main purpose then that's ok. i don't need to make a world wide discovery or be famous or change the world. if i could raise children who grow up and follow Jesus, i really can't think of a better life, a better calling, than that.
changedfish- don't worry, i have a few years of bacheloretteness in me : )
posted by changedfish @ 1:31 AM
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