Laci my girl, this is for you (ok, so i didn't write it, it's a song by home grown, but hey, it's still for you!)
Just say goodbye.
And close the door.
Turn off the light.
And pick up the pieces if you need them.
This world is cold, but just know you're not alone.
No, you're not alone.

I know what you're thinkin'.
Wooooaaaahhh
I know how you're feelin'.
Wooooaaaahhh
Believe me.
Wooooaaaahhh
You're not alone.

I've been there before.
Just where you are and not quite so sure that I did the right thing.
Believe me.
And this world is cold so I'll make sure you're not alone.
No you're not alone.

I know what you're thinkin'.
Wooooaaaahhh
I know how you're feelin'.
Wooooaaaahhh
Believe me.
Wooooaaaahhh
You're not alone.

Why don't you stay with me tonight.
Because I know everything is not alright.
Why don't you stay with me tonight.
Because I know everything is not alright, and that's not alright.

I know what you're thinkin'.
Wooooaaaahhh
I know how you're feelin'.
Wooooaaaahhh
Believe me.
Wooooaaaahhh
You're not alone.
Wooooaaaahhh

love for you always and forever, changedfish

it rained today, in fact it's raining at this exact moment, rain just shows me how drained i am, b'cuz i'd love nothing more than to curl up in my bed and fall asleep, and even more than that i'd love to curl up in bed w/anyone but just me and fall asleep that way lol! i love hearing laci's stories in bio, she's just so cute and she seems to have cute moments that i wished belonged to me, but as i sit there wishing i had that, i draw a blank, it's like, i don't know what i want anymore, and i have too many possibilities and yet none at all, i wish people would wear signs that say, "available" and "not" and each person would be able to see the other persons sign, and if they were ur type and u were theirs it would say "available" and if u were incompatable it would say "not"!
now wouldn't that make life SO much easier? i think it would! i think the world is out to get me these days and it's like no matter how many great things happen its as if i'm still stuck in my rain cloud....things go wrong in groups...it's true, one thing goes wrong and it all comes down on u...like the rain...
you no how many things in my life metephore to or remind me of rain? so many, i mean i have inside jokes w/myself about rain....it's strange, but great, so if someone goes, "hey looks like rain" i just laugh, or cry as the case may be (excluding the fact that i don't cry, and hate to do so)
then it's funny cuz i turn on the radio to get things off my mind and just sorta get numb for a moment and i hear "let the rain fall down..." so i quickly turn the nob and i hear "they all fall like a million raindrops falling from a blue sky..." and i start getting frustrated so i change it again and then it's "with grace like rain" and i'm starting to think it isn't funny anymore and i think i'll just turn to the oldies and i hit the end with "rain drops keep falling on my head, keep falling on my head...." finally i throw the entire sterio out the window and even then i can faintly hear "and the radio just keeps playin all these songs about rain...o it would be easy to blame all these songs about rain" and i slam the window shut run out of the house screaming and think...."things were easier when we still thot boys had cooties"
changedfish

old flames sure can be flattering, but that doesn't mean they're reasonable
it's just too bad tho, cuz i don't have any plans for next weekend, and he wants to hang out.
u prolly shoulda said "hey u dumped me remember?" but u didn't, u just laughed when he asked u. bcuz he is the goofy type, and u thot he WAS joking. he assured u that he wasn't and that he hates that no one takes him seriously...so u told him u weren't busy, and if he wanted to hang out w/u then that was fine.
i know i shouldn't do this, i know he doesn't really like me, i mean there's no way. and HE broke it off w/ME remember, don't i know i shouldn't do these things to myself.
u didn't like him that much in the first place, and u too haven't talked in forever, (his wishes mainly) and now, all of a sudden ur all flighty and u wanna talk to him, hang out w/him....u NO this will be stupid of u, u NO u didn't really embrace the two of u in the first place, and now it'd be even worse, and people will think ur so totally stupid it's not even funny....but..(DO U ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE A BUT??) *yes* but...ur not busy, and he asked....so ur gonna go for it...changedfish

a lil' confidence is all it takes!
a bit of sisterly advice i thot i'd share w/y'all. "he only thinks he's better than you because you do" that's the way it is. if u think he's the greatest thing on earth, if u don't think ur worthy of him, then that's the way the relationship is going to be! if u don't act his equal, if u don't take the upper hand, then u might as well be submissive, cuz u've given him permission to be cocky!
i think it's often hard for those of us who weren't the beautiful, popular ones early on, to have a load of confidence. it's the ugly-duckling syndrome, u just never feel that ur not ugly anymore...i don't know how to describe it to those of you that were born amazing and everyone always liked you, i'm not saying u didn't have ur own entire set of troubles, i think that's equally difficult, but at least now, ur willing to take the upper hand on things, and u dont take peoples crap just cuz u think u deserve it.
another disadvantage to not having confidence, is paranoia. i no that sounds weird, so maybe it's just me, but i always feel like people r making fun of me, or that i'm the stupid one, that i'm the lame one, or the fat one, or the ugly one, and everyone around me is just watching me screw up.
i don't know why all of a sudden i'm writting about my low self-esteem so often, cuz i think i used to have a lot of confidence....it's just...don't worry about it, i'm done....changedfish

Flirting or Feelings??
you know, i like to flirt...a lot. and sometimes i wonder and worry if those i flirt with know that that's all it is, flirting, or do they think it's more, do they think that i have feelings for them? i've noticed that usually i don't flirt w/those i like...i dunno y it is, it's just my way of doing things, and recently i've decided that's stupid and i should be able to flirt with those boys and if they don't feel the same way then wutever, it's not a huge deal cuz summer's comming and i'm not going anywhere w/things at this moment...i don't think...also, sometimes i wonder if I read things wrong, i mean wut if i think some guy likes me more than just harmless flirting, and he DOESN'T? then wut am i thinking? i'm gonna look stupid! (but i always do, so it's ok)
there are certain times and places for flirting. i think school is actually an acceptable place, and home is an alright place, out on the town, that's fine...church-off limits! don't be stupid! some people tho, can't turn it off! and that's not good, i mean i flirt a lot, but only when it's appropriate, and i've noticed in some classes i flirt a lot and in others not at all....it's weird
but i was just thinking about it, so u've now been enlightened
i need some music!!! changedfish

The longer you live the more confusing life gets!
ok, so it seems that the farther along in life i go, the more complex my problems are, i mean, don't u remember how simple things used to be when the reasons you cried were because you couldn't reach the counter! THOSE WERE THE DAYS! i mean, sure life's hard for you at every level, but ur problems rn't catastrophic to your well-being! nehow, i always seem to talk about my horrendous problems (like my spelling problem for instance!) but truthfully life's not that bad. i mean, sure my rents wanna send me in for counseling (turns out i'm "hostile" toward people! who knew?) and my friends r ultra-gossipy and turning on eachother (and me!) ok, and so no guy that i've come in contact with (with the exception of crazy jr. d and those that live hours away) want anything romantically to do w/me, o ya, and i did i mention i have a low self-esteem? wutev...besides all that! i'm fine, things rn't horrible, i have a family, i have friends, i mean, i'm living and living well! so y am i always complaining? i blame things on everyone,but me! and i really should realize that i screw myself over sooo much more! i mean, i don't do anything good for myself, everything i do, is generally wrong, and i mess up more times a day (at everything) than i can count! but that's just me, and i've learned to except me, and i've learned to let it go! this year's been a really "growing" year for me, i've found out a lot of things about myself and about others, and about me and others lol! but really i've learned so much it's great! but it seems to me that the more i know the less i want to remember, i'd rather be naive and as bad as that sounds it's true...the ol' youth group joke about my gullablness, is "she's not gullable! just trusting!" and it's true, i have a ton of trust for people! and for everything in life, i just generally feel that things will work out and people r good inside and out and they rn't out to get me, but lately i've been feeling really mad all the time, and i don't like it! i've been gossiping and i've been insulting people (not to their face, but still...) i mean, i didn't use to be like this, and it's not as if all of it's bad even! i mean lace'll always be proud of her hand in my corruption, and i don't mind that they've ceased to call me "good little christian girl" but in a way i feel that i've strayed from my standards and that's not good! i don't know i don't know i don't know! (i say that WAY too much!) if i knew i'd tell you, i'd tell all of you, i'd share it with the world and beyond, but i DON'T know, and i may never know anything, while also knowing everything (it's a complicated emotion!) anyhow.....i'm just GRRRRR!!! with life right now, mainly cuz i don't have anyone to vent to, because venting requires sharing y i'm venting, and there's so many things! i just can't get it all in, and i don't like to talk badly about things and people, so it doesn't work, and that's y i'm typing a zillion words a minute trying to get my point across when i dont' even know wut it is!! I'M LOSING MY MIND!! wutev, i gotta go make a phone call, peace, love, word, wutev, changedfish
p.s. finding nemo ey? i know nemo! don't worry about it i'm ov (that's my lil' insider story for the day!)

"Life is too short for drama and petty problems; so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly, and forgive quickly. Life is too short to be anything but happy!" (thanx scot!)
changedfish

you know the saying "history repeats itself"? uh...i've come to find that it is most definately a true statement! i mean, this year, the past bunch of months, has been so round in circles....and i told myself i wouldn't do it again so many times, and this time i burned the bridges, i really did, i made it so i couldn't go back and no one could come get me, i made it so no one would want to come after me... i was finally thinking that i was ok, finally things had resumed a normalcy about them...i even wrote a poem about it(and i don't write poems hehe) it was just, even tho i wasn't really happy, i figured i was better off, and then all of a sudden it rushes back at me! y does it do that? y can't things just keep going, y do i have to look back??? i should've been a pillar of salt a LONG time ago (bible story, sodom and gomarrah)
it all started (well, the begining via writting anyhow)
on november 26th, when i thot i had a chance at getting a semi-formal date, but i'd screwed it up.
by november 29th i was talking about my love for spontenaity (can't spell!)
then december 1st i felt as if i'd screwed things up by saying something in the first place
december 2nd i "wish i didn't know now wut i didn't know then" crazy!
december 7 i realize i see myself differently than others do
december 15th i'm happy and cheery about it all
on december 22nd i realize that "i am jello" and i can't make a decision about this thing.
On December 26th i basically said "when it's over it's over"
then on january 31st i basically said i could have had what i wanted, why did i screw things up?
then February 1st i said i'll stick around even though i should leave
THEN on valentines day i said i want to be together
february 24, 28, 29 i was all peachy, i was happy about it!
by march 8th i thot i'd hit "the standstill"
march 13th i was talking about the right thing not being what i wanted
april 5th i ended it all
april 6th i wanted it back
april 17th i said i knew it was the right thing to end it
April 20th i was thinking about february 1st!!
i haven't written about that thing since, i was writting about friends, about new guys, about anything and everything BUT that! and now...here i am again...what am i doing? does he realize wut i've done to him, doesn't he see he should forget he ever knew me? but i don't want him to....so, summers comming, i guess i'll see...changedfish

wow, not too many days left of school, kinda sad ya no, i mean there's a lot of people that i enjoy seeing everyday that i wouldn't see if it weren't for school, that sux!! i like going to all my classes and everything, i like seeing all these people, and i'm gonna be so bored w/o them this summer, i mean, sure i'll be busy and all, but it's just that if summer woulda come like 2 or 3 months ago, i'd prolly have been fine, it's just the school year dragged on a little bit too long and now i'm all frustrated w/people and i don't want to see them all the time, but then again i do...because if summer comes now, i'm going to try and take time to myself for the first week or so, and then, i'm gonna be all lonely!! geez, this is such a stupid entry!! y does it matter, stop complaining ya big lug and get on w/life, it's just summer, u'll be forced to sit next to the same smelly kids next year, don't be too sad!! it's not like ur leaving and going somewhere!!! o well, sappy girl is sad anyhow...changedfish

As you smiled at me, I sat thinking what was going through your head
were you seeing me as a girl or only as a friend
I sat there trying to analyze
your every move, trying to summarize
your true feelings for me

I was trying so hard to see
to catch even just a glimpse to reassure me
that with me is where you'll always be
but I didn't receive it, you acted the same
that's why I'm sitting here, wondering if this is all just a game

Scott wrote that ...i dunno if i'd ever be able to say it...cuz i don't know if it's true...but hey, who knows wut's going on w/him....changedfish

Wow, i had a fun day today! it was cinco de mayo!
actually it was a total ditz day and i couldn't think straight, i kept dropping things and such, i think i'm just really tired and ready for the weekend!! but i had a fun part of the day. i'm not ashamed to say i did a little bit of flirting, and i wasn't afraid! i'm not saying that i'm done w/the old on w/the new, no thots of what happened before...but hey, turning over a new leaf isn't always bad....rite? anyway, it wasn't as if i was throwing myself at someone or i'm all into some new guy, i'm just scoping my prospects, and who knows wut'll come of everything
maybe i just have a thing w/holidays about good things happening...halloween, valentines day, cinco de mayo...hmmm...i mean ok, so i skipped a few key holidays w/good things that didn't happen, but hey, wutev!
i had a good day today! changedfish

venting is healthy
i've realized this! when you hold everything inside and don't vent about things u tend to get into this mood, this mood where at any moment you could blow because you never told anyone that anything was bothering you and then someone hits the wrong button and it's like crazy destruction! course, you should choose who you vent to, cuz if u vent to the same person too many times they mite start thinking that all you do is whine and vent. parents often work, but then there's the factor of what your talking about, because if it's something you weren't supposed to be doing, well they're gonna getcha in trouble. then there is ur friends, but sometimes venting sounds like gossip or whinning and you don't want them thinking poorly of you either! so that's y i have a journal, if u notice a lot of my entries are my venting! here it's like who cares? if anyone reads it it's because they wanted to, and they can just deal w/wut i wrote, and if you don't read it, well then u wouldn't know what was in it anyhow wouldja? nope, wouldn't.
still (back to my point) venting, really is healthy, if anyone ever needs to vent, i love to vent, vent to me, i'll vent back, it'll be a party!! and if u want to vent to no one, open a blog or any journal, it helps to get things out, it doesn't even have to be a public journal, it can be strictly for you!!! anyhow, if u wanna vent rubbadubdub16@hotmail.com and i'd love to vent w/u!! changedfish