and it's funny how u find you enjoy your life, when you're happy to be alive!

you would kill for this, just a little bit.

if what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, then i should be a body builder...haha acutally nothing really gets close to killing me, so pretty much i tend to be on the weaker side of the physical spectrum. i've just been crazy busy lately and i think it's starting to catch up with me. i'm seriously trying to keep my grades up, really i am, but at the same time, things outside of school are piling up and it's like not only do i go to school from about 8-3 but i have to come home and have 3 hrs more of homework! it's just the age old complaint about too much work, and i know i'm lucky enuf not to have an extra actual job as well but still i have a college class and i have youth group and small group and i have social things that go on and it's like i'm juggling and someone keeps throwing in one more ball, one more ball and i'm hitting the point where at any moment i'm going to start dropping one or all of them....i'm hoping to keep the balls in the air until school's over and my class at shasta is over and then maybe i can deal w/the rest of life, but i know i'll jsut get even busier over summer so it really won't help me any or solve any problems, but i'd just really like to think it will! argh matey...life is supposed to get easier as we get smarter...but i think the smarter we get the more we realize what the future has for us and the more we start to plan for that now, and the more today piles up! geez louise!

please don't come looking for me when i get lost in the mess of ur hair...
changedfish-juggler extraordinaire!

nice = mean
since when is being nice a bad thing?

1. when ur too nice
2. when people think of ur niceness as more than nice
3. when people assume ur niceness is fake
4. when ur too nice to say no
5. when people assume nice=happy
6. when you're usually nice and u have a bad day
7. when you get put in positions you don't want to be in, but can't get out of w/o being mean
8. when people take advantage of ur niceness
9. when you don't speak up for yourself because ur afraid of seeming mean
10. when ur afraid not to be nice
11. when all you are is nice
12. when you're not genuine w/ur niceness
13. when being nice gets you hanging out w/the wrong people
14. when niceness is a weakness
15. when people see your niceness as a bad thing
16. when people expect you to be nice all the time
17. when you wear your niceness as a mask
18. when you're not relatable because you seem unreal-ly happy
19. when you expect everyone to be as nice as you are
20. when you're not nice enuf

changedfish- trying to be the good kind of nice!

did i mention i went CD shopping?
I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

when fear of judgement paralyzes you....

my magnet is off and
your compass is wrong

never want to hurt a soul
didn't want to damage your pride
i don't want to say what u don't want to hear
but i'm going to have to....
there's no easy way to handle this
there's not a magic button
i can't just call my fairy godmother
these things are real
this is reality
harsh reality
the world seems just fine sometimes
sometimes it comes crashing down
i don't want to crash your world
i've done it before, i don't like it
i don't try to do it
you put me in these places
you ask these things of me
if i don't reply what will you think
if i do reply what will you think
crushing you wasn't part of the plan
you weren't suppose to feel this way about me
friendship is what i portrayed,
friendship is what i asked of you
friendship is what i expected of you
friendship may be complex but this is more so
i'm always here for you

don't make this hard for urself...don't make this hard for me...try to accept...try to understand...try, that's all i want...just try
changedfish-boys r nuts!

OMGSH NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED!
no u really wouldn't ever guess what just happened...i was uber super shocked myself!

TANK AND TONY ATTACK!! omgsh, no it's not like they just called once, thus far it's been 3 TIMES IN 30 MINS!! they're CRAZY...and the first time my mom said i couldn't come to the phone, the second time she said i'm not allowed calls from boys and the last time they had some girl do it but i knew the # on the Caller ID and she said i was in the shower (they hung up when she asked who was calling) this is soo insane...like what kind of logic is that? when my mom says i can't talk to boys do you seriously think tricking her is gonna make me want to talk to you? and don't they kinda think that she knows what's going on? i mean they're not 8 they're like 13 so they're pretty smart right? maybe not smart but come on! don't they get that i don't want them to keep calling...i told them that myself! i said hey you can email me, just don't call, i'm really busy and my parents don't like me talking on the phone but they don't mind me sending emails....hmmm no hint, they're just incredibly dense! i'm hoping they don't call back but knowing them they'll wait till they think i'm out of the "shower" and they'll call back...i almost wanna just answer the phone and say "ARE YOU JOKING? U CALLED AGAIN!!??!" we'll see, i'll update if need be! but that's just soo odd that they're STILL CALLING ME...it's been like 9 months or something since i've been to proberta these boys r gonna have to let it go!
changedfish-boggled

From my perspective
i can see you now, as you really are, i can see the loopholes, i can see the strain, i can see things i could never see before, do u know that? do u know i'm not a pawn in ur game anymore? have u figured out that i've figured you out? have you figured me out? haven't seemed to, i seem to be quite the mystery to you, while i'm an expert on ur moves. you become upset when i see through you, you don't understand why i say what i say. i don't do anything to hurt you, i'm only trying to gain a foothold, to make some progress in this quasi friendship we have. i could draw a map of ur thoughts, but i can't crack the codes. i don't know the answers but i know the questions by heart. you're such a closed book, but i've read every word, i don't know if u've noticed, i don't know if u care, i've changed my perspective, i don't handle situations the same way, i'm not what u molded me to be, i'm my own person, can you take that? does that upset you too deeply? is my strength ur weakness? my heart says comply, my mind says rebel, the emotions fade together then fade away all together, once vibrant colors i can barely make out. tell me how to find the answers, where did the paints and brushes go? what do i have to do to figure out the pieces i'm lacking? if you don't allow me to go through this process how am i to learn, grow? the person i'd go to, comes to me, and i don't know what to do....
standing in the rain, i drove to ur house but i don't remember doing it, i'm standing at your doorway, paralyzed by the reality that it's ur house i ended up at...i'm crying, i never do that, the dream's to foggy, are you inside? are you there for me? i can't tell, i always wake up....is it the fear that ur not there that turns me to stone? is it a fear u will be inside, open arms and a tender smile? what am i afraid of? why can't i move...go inside or go home
changedfish-how does ur heart beat?

Love. I would ban the word from the vocabulary. Such imprecision. Love, which love, what love? sentiment, fantasy, longing, lust? Obsession, devouring need? Perhaps, the only love that is accurate, without qualification, is the love of a very young child. Afterward, she too becomes a person, and thus compromised. "Do you love me?" you asked in the dark of your narrow bed. "Do you love me Mommy?"
"Of course," I told you. "Now go to sleep."
Love is a bedtime story, a teddy bear, familiar, one eye missing.
Love is a toy, a token, a scented handkercheif.
Love is a check, that can be forged, that can be cashed.
Love is a payment that comes due.

-an emotion never experienced, a fantasy longed for, love is complex, how can you say it with such confidence?
changedfish-feeling literary

At this moment- I AM BEAUTIFUL
reading a story about a beautiful girl
"beauty is a curse" with a happy ending
sitting there staring at the dad-made deck
the girl looks out- the rocks make a line
staring at the view
squinting into the sun
she feels beautiful
in this moment she is beautiful
wisps of hair fly across her face from the harsh-soft wind
squinting into the sun
she feels beautiful
in this moment she is beautiful
for all time....i am beautiful

changedfish-not vain, just reading

the kitchen door was open a crack, so naively we peeked inside.
i went college viewing this weekend...omgsh..sooo great! i couldn't even begin to tell you all the laughs i had and the amazing people i met and the great campus's i saw and the not-so-great places i saw...but i can just tell you that college is going to rock socks like no one's business and i couldn't be more excited to go....dorms, cafeteria, classes are only the begining, roommates, biblestudies, weekends, jobs, boys, girls....it's just such an exciting time and i'm glad that i got to get a taste of it...now all i have to do is keep the ol' GPA up and study hard hard hard for my tests....o gosh guys this is it! we're gonna be adults..we're gonna be educated...we're gonna make something of ourselves and do something w/our lives....the best years of our lives are not even here yet, and how much fun do we have now? there's a lotta choices to make and a lot of preperation and growing up i have to do...but i'm up for the challenge- who's with me?
changedfish-college bound

love me not

there are numerous songs, poems, books, stories, movies, etc. about love...love is all you need they say, any problem can be solved w/love they show, they want you to think that love is the only important thing there is and that it's indestructable and it's amazing and that once u find someone to love all ur troubles go away and life is amazing forever....truth: THEY LIE!!
love isn't some instant cure...and it's not all you need for a marriage either, i knwo i know u think well what else is there? all i want in life is someone to love me...well if that's all u want shoot problem solved: parents, God, friends....but i knwo what u mean...it seems like that's the only thing in life worth working for and the only important thing in every movie plot. but love, real love, and sharing ur life with someone, it's hard work, it takes more than pure emotion it takes commitment and perserverance and not giving up when things get tough, there are things in life you're not going to agree on there are things that will happen that are unexpected and unfortunate...think about the person you want to spend ur life with..is this the person u want to be with you through everythign? through good and bad, sickness and health, is this person going to stay with you if u get fat or ugly or if u lose a limb? is this person going to be there for you if you lose a child, if you get in a car accident, if you get wrongfully accused of something? what if you hit someone with you're car? what if their parents hate you? what if someone accuses you of cheating, is that person going to believe someone else over you? if not..what are u doing with them? why would u stay with someone that u had no future with? just to be with them? that doesn't make sense, that's not fair to you or to them...that's putting all ur stock in a bond your not planning on leaving in tact....because it's convienient? is that why? now how pointless and heartless and superficial is that? i mean being with someone because they treat you well and there isn't someone else at ur doorstep isn't really a reason at all, it's a selfish notion...because u love them? well can u be with out them? marry someone u can't live with out not someone you can live with...that's not how it goes, don't settle for someone that will be ok, don't settle for someone that makes you smile if he always makes you cry....marriage isn't love...spending a lifetime together means u need more than that, it means u need to be able to look at their smug expression every day and not hate them..it means that you make them coffee in the morning and buy your wife tampons or u get gas-x for ur husband...it's not all fun and games it's about raising children and making the right choices, it's about sacrifice and work, and it may not sound like something enjoyable but work can be the greatest hting in the world if it's the right person...passion isn't love, it's passion...remember that, there is drive and perserverance and never giving up and then there's emotion and lust and giggles....don't settle...push for the greatest...if ur getting a prom date it's one thing, if ur choosing a life mate it's quite another. be fair to them, be fair to you, date only to find someone to spend ur life with and don't spend ur time with someone u couldn't live with...don't stay because of convenience or just to be with someone....stay because there's potential.....
changedfish...wisdom beyond experience

i just wrote a hecka long blog and it was really important but obviously not since it just got lost in space...so i'll just leave you with this

Wish there was something
I could do Wish I could ease the pain from you
But I've never felt so helpless
It's like you're drowning right in front of me
And I'm reaching out but you can't see
There's something holding on to you so tight
So I guess this is all I'll say to you tonight
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting where I've always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you,
I'm where I've always been
Right by your side

GOD IS THERE FOR YOU, REACH OUT TO HIM!
changedfish-deeply saddened

come here and cry upon my shoulder
i'll hold you 'till it's over
i'll rescue you again

let my house be your shelter
your hiding place forever
i'll love you more than life

ok!

it seems like recently everything's gone BLAH for so many people...everyone's tired and frustrated, at the end of their ropes and can't see the end of the tunnel...i'm not sure if it's the time of the year, this time in our lifes, what, but i feel like i need to do something...
it's like the more i grow in my faith the more i see the weaknesses i used to have, i mean little things used to bother me, and i used to be so wrapped up in the social scene and the gossip and now it's like everything i hear it i cringe and everytime i go to spread something i've heard i don't want to, and i like that, i love that change in me but it's so hard to learn how to deter others from doing it. i can't remember who said it...but i remember someone talking about how u can't expect non-christians to act like christians....you can't hold them to the same standards and moral values because they don't have them...you can't expect ur non-christian friends to understand why u do or don't do what you do but you can try to explain to them how u'd rather they didnt do things around you...and somethings don't bother some people the way they bother others, for me cussing and gossip really effects me...i just don't like it, and so me being around it is hard, but for some people it's not a weakness or a problem and they can handle it....i dunno where i'm going i guess i'm just upset because i feel like all of a sudden all of the people i hoped would come to faith or grow in their faith havent'...they're turning away, and running in the opposite direction and it pains me to see that and i just know how much it has to hurt God, but i know that they can't come unless he draws them to himslef and i just have to understand that and be patient! but omgsh it's sooo hard!!!
Psalm 14:1 NLTOnly fools say in their hearts, "There is no God."

changedfish-grieves the losses

EXPRESSIONS

she wasn't sure what she needed
she needed out
she wasn't sure what she wanted
she wanted out
she wasn't sure who could help her
He helped helped her out

if life was really like a box of chocolates then there wouldn't be starvation, only tummy aches.

in a world of slogans, what is your melody?

be the person you are, not the person that's left

what's wrong w/eating the lemons people throw at you?

the world is full of pretty people, it needs happy ones

follow your dreams while they're still your dreams, one day you may find your dreams have changed, but at least you tried

if you don't feel love in your head, think twice

if you follow your heart you're turning inward...follow God's heart instead

if you reach out your hand, they will grab hold

don't smile cuz ur told to, smile cuz u feel like it

you may not be able to want what you already have, but don't want what u can't get

there's only so much in this world...wait for the next one

sometimes letting go is a good thing

live your life for what's coming, hindsight leads to regret

if you think you're wise, you probably aren't

always pay attention to what people say about you, positive or negative it's the message you portrayed.

blaming someone else doesn't make you feel better, it makes them feel worse

if you're going to love something, make it a lasting something

this world is temporary

changedfish-imparting wisdom once again