you know what i've noticed?!?!?!?
naw, u don't know, so i'll tell ya. well, i've come to find that these past few entries i've been talking about how weird my life is getting, how it's changing and all, but i've realized, that really it's getting back to normal, back to what it used to be like...i don't even know that that's a good thing, but i've just been thinking about how, this is what my life used to be like, before i had a life....it's not that it's exactly the same, it's not that i can't change it if i wanted to...but it's returning to my old life....changedfish

u no...life's soo weird, i mean, it changes soo much, not that that's bad neccasarily, just different...i think i like it!
the only thing i'm worried about is that summer is comming, and i seem to be getting kinda distant from the friends i've had all year, and altho i seem to be making others and strengthening some and all, its just that i'm worried that come summer, no matter how busy i will be, i'll still not be in the circle of social plans, and that kinda bugs me, cuz it's like if u don't start out on the rotation, there's no hope in jumping in later...allow me to explain: if at the begining of the summer u hang out a lot w/ur friends and they make plans w/u and all, then they're thinking of u next time they wanna hang out, but if u rn't on their mind at the begining, then later it's like...hmmm...already made plans sorry! (not exactly, but u catch the fear)
also, my friends r changing a lot! i mean, they've spread out, and there's kind of some conflict going on, and it's just like i wanna hang out w/some and then some others, and sometimes i don't know wut the other ones r thinking....and ya... "girls r drama!" but ya no, gotta love'em, cuz wut ya gonna do? zactly! muah, changedfish

anyone else ever get tired of ur own thots?
ok, so that's a wierd question-but i'm a weird girl, so i guess it doesn't matter. wondering y i posed such a question? well, it's just that sometimes i get tired of thinking about certain things, like some things i don't really think r that important, and yet i can't get them out of my brain! there's just to much involved w/living ur life these days. too much to think about for me to stay afloat! it's not even just my friends, or just boys, (altho, that's the majority) it's everything, i mean i'll end up spending 20 mins. thinking about wut i'm going to eat for lunch, because there's to much to consider! i've been told before that i over-analyze everything, and i know that's true, i say it all the time, i think too thouraghly! but wut's a girl to do? i mean, u can't change the way u think! nehoo, people r just weird, i don't wanna ever let anyone down, so i try to be superwoman all the time, and then wen i fail once, it seems that i fail a zillion times more after that before i finally get back to my superwoman act again. it's tiering! (can't spell again!) and people wonder y i nap so much, well geez, it's cuz i'm trying not to let u all down, i'm TRYING to give u all my attention, goodness sakes i'm trying soo hard to be perfect that i can't even think anymore! i'm being nice to this person, then that person, while trying to solve these problems over here and fix my own stuff ALL AT ONCE!! and i can't do it anymore! so if i screw up sometime, if i let'cha down ever-so-often, well...i'm sorry, but ur going to have to try and understand that i'm NOT actually superwoman, and i can't do it all!
wow, venting feels good! changedfish

this week's been really weird, i dunno, it's like i haven't been hanging out w/my usual people, cuz of star testing and we haven't had normal days of school and all, but i dunno, it didn't really bother me, 'till today i was sorta hanging out, and i felt all detatched, like i didn't know wut was going on, and it's weird cuz i don't really hang out w/my friends anymore, cuz my friends r so scattered among groups, it's sort of if u get in w/one friend, ur missing out on others, but wen u try to split up ur time, ur still missing important stuff! geez, i dunno, i just get frustrated sometimes because i'll wanna hang out w/all my friends, and i realize that it ain't gonna happen! cuz some friends don't like others, and some friends friends don't like my other friends and goodness, it's not even sometimes that they don't like them, more that they just don't know them, but then it ends up that i end up not knowing people, and at times i feel that i'm missing out on things cuz i don't just settle w/one group of friends....then i think about doing that-settling i mean- but then i'd have to give up other groups, and i guess i do have a main group of friends and all, but still, seriously, i have a lotta different groups in which i spend my time, and none of them r perfect i no, but they don't mind me, and don't mind them....hmmmm...dilema dilema dilema (sure hope i spelled that rite!) changedfish

it's sunny today!----yey!
hmmm...i'm such a dork! i'z just thinking that (hence i wrote it down!) but seriously, i mean, most people don't seem to mind to horribly, but i am pretty lame most of the time....some people seem to think i'm funny, others seem to think i'm slightly annoying! but hey, i've been pretty happy lately, if that matters any, no matter where my self-esteem level is, i should be able to be happy! and i finally am! i mean, things r still things and all that lovely mumbo jumbo, but hey, it's not bothering me, and that's soo wonderful, lem'me tell ya! nehow, changedfish

read entry from feb. 1...y write it again if it's wut's on my mind? i don't even know y i'm thinking about it, it's not exactly how i'm feeling, just wut i was thinking about, changedfish
that, and the rain....it's pouring :-(

weather
have i ever mentioned how much i hate the wind? i mean, rain i don't mind too much, but wind!! grrr! it blows ur hair all over the place and it's COLD and it blows the rain in ur eyes and geez! usually i'm not one to complain about weather publically, esp. in a journal entry, cuz well, no one cares..but today i just got frustrated, cuz i was looking all cute this morning (well, as good as i could get at least) and then i realized it was raining...so that made me add a coat, strike one! then it was windy and i had my hair down, whooosh everywhere! the clips kept comming out and i was flying all over the place! it was bad! strike two...i don't really have a strike three except that it was coldish drizzly and windy all at once and i wasn't happy about it! so i'm actually looking forward to star testing because i can be in one class all day and not have to worry about such weather issues! i'm also excited about star tests cuz i really like who's in my group, i mean, it's not really my great friends but i have quite a few people that i know in there, so that should be good, i HATE my "procter" guy, HOXIE! tssk! had him last year! geez he's annoying! but hey, it's not the end of the world here rite? i don't really even mind, i've got a good book and i've got a FEW cd's i can bring and i don't have to realize that he's there! plus we get out of school like 3 hrs early! and yea...so things r looking up for me (i think) well, prolly they're crashing down...and i'm not happy about that, but i'm fine w/stuff and i'm not seeing the crash so..well yea, so i'm good changedfish

wow, my internet has been down for a few days, and it just got back up now, i'm psyched, cuz i've been thinking about wut to write for like ever, and now i finally can.
the aftermath
ok, so i said a lotta stuff, a lotta stuff that didn't make sense, a lotta stuff that was thinking but a lotta stuff i prolly shouldn't have said...but i'm not taking it back! i'm serious! i'm not....that's exactly wut i was feeling that nite, both entries! and it's just...i dunno! to him:ur confused, and u should be....but u shouldn't be mad. i understand that ur upset, i gave u no warning, i gave little explaination, and that's frustrating, but all i want u to know is that i didn't WANT to hurt u, and i no i did, i didn't want a lot of this to happen, but it did, i do care about u, i honestly do, more than i've ever cared about any guy before EVER! and no matter how much i truly care, i KNOW that wut i'm doing is right, i just don't think i should be with u, i just don't, it may be hard to hear, hard to accept, hard to understand, i just can't, it's not that ur not perfect for me, becuz u r, and it's not that we wouldn't be great together, i think we would, and it's not that we couldn't be happy, i think we could, its just....i can't, it's not wut God wants for me, and i'm hoping u can take that....i AM sorry that u've been hurt, i know u have been hurt before and this can't help things, and i didn't mean to hurt u, but i knew i would....i'm not sure wut u'd like me to do now....i can't explain my feelings to u, i've tried but it doesn't work, i don't know anything, we've been over this before, my practical intelligence level-LOW! anyhow, changedfish

bi-polar
i'm so bi-polar on these subjects....cuz now, now that i've absolutely killed every small chance of anything....now i'm second guessing myself, now i don't know anything all i know is that rite now, the only thing i want to do, is be w/u, i want to be there w/u, and i want to hug u and know that ur going to be ok, and i want to be there just lying next to u, feeling u breath, hearing your heart beat, and i want to tell u i'm sorry, and i want to cry on ur shoulder and i want u to tell me that i'm beautiful and that i've hurt u, and that ur angry but u forgive me, and i want...i want to look into ur eyes, that's all i want rite now....i just want to be in the same room as u, and i want to be there for u, and i want u to know how much i care about u, and i want u to know that if i'dve known i never woulda done it.....if i thot u cared, i wouldn't have left....and i know it's too late, and i know i got what i wanted, yet again, i've gotten wut i wanted and its not wut i want...i don't know wut i want anymore....i don't know anything anymore, all i know is that i'm the biggest screw up, not only did i hurt u once, but i've hurt u again, and u trusted me, u opened up to me, u finally let me in, and i destroyed u, and i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, and that's not good enuf, there isn't a stronger word than that, and it kills me, because that doesn't even begin to tell u anything...sorry? wuts that mean anyway...and i don't want u to think that i retracted my statement and i'm trying to erase it, cuz that can't be done, that whole thing is true, it is....i'm not going to lie to u, but it's not the way it comes out....i don't hate u all of a sudden, i don't want to throw it all away and flush it down the drain....i don't know what i want!!!! and i'm going to die here, not knowing wut i want, because i'm too stupid to think about things long enuf to see the errors in the plan.....u once said (referring to males) "we fail tests we don't even know we're taking" and i guess that's wut happened, i tested the waters enuf times, and i just got sick of not getting any feed back...so i did wut i thot was best, and i'm sorry if it didn't end up being...i don't truly know how i feel now, about u, about us, about any of it, all i know is that rite now, i feel...well, like shit and i'm not afraid to say the word! changedfish

"i will be leaving u tonite, o i'll be leaving u toniiite"
wow, i wish i could just write my feelings into a song and sing it for u, that would be the way u'd understand. i know this comes w/out warning, i know i've never told u i've had doubts....i've never mentioned that i feel like crap around u...i've never told u that i wasn't gonna be around forever...i've told u ur wonderful, i've told u about me, i've told u how i feel, i've told u everything, and i could tell u anything, but i can't talk 2 u about u, i just can't do it, and that's y this will be a shock...and i know i'll never be able to tell u, and i no that i can't refuse wut i wanted....
i'm not going to cry over u, i'm not going to cry to u, i'm not going to cry at all, cuz i don't like to cry, and no matter how much i want to sometimes, i won't let myself, cuz that would mean that i care that much...and i don't, i can live w/o u! i can handle myself alone! i can find someone new, or i can just be me, myself, alone! my friends rn't brainwashing me, they care about me, and they know i can live w/o u, and they know i can do better, and they know that someone else would make me happier than u ever do! cuz u don't make me happy, i make me happy wen i tell myself that ur something ur not! i tell myself ur amazing, that ur perfect and that ur every girls dream and that if i can snag that then i better hang on, but i don't want to!! i won't do it!!! i don't want to deny myself something else, i don't want to torture myself like this....and my friends all love u, they think ur great...it's not u they don't like, it's us they don't like, and it isn't my friends that r putting me up to this, cuz they never suggested that i do this, this is me, just me, myself, alone!!!! this isn't easy u no that...cuz u no ur power, u know wut u have to do to make me melt, u know wut it takes to get me back, and if u want me, u'll get me, thats how it goes, but i won't be happy, and do u really want to do that to me? do u? don't u want me to be happy, w/ or w/o u? i hope u care enuf about me to let me go....i don't want to cut all ties, i'm not suggesting we cease to communicate, i'm not saying we'll not be friends, but if u cant take that.....i'll have to live w/that, and i don't want to, i've built up this relationship the best i knew how, and i don't want it all to crash down on me, i want the foundation to stay strong thro the storm because that's how i built it....but u no me, i'm a screw up w/no prior experience, so if i dont know how to build a foundation then, i guess it may have problems, we'll see rite?
i've gotta say goodbye to the only person i've truly wanted to be with, the only person who's ever wanted me back, the only person i honestly thot i'd be with, and the only person i thot would be perfect for me, i've got to go say goodbye now, and i don't want to! i don't think i can do it....wish me luck! "just say goodbye cuz this is the end of me"