u no there was a time (jan 9 entry) wen i thot that "firsts" were the biggest deal on the face of the earth (well, maybe not THAT big, but u no wut i mean) i thot that wen some big first happened it would be this huge monumental thing, and it was going to be awkward and it was going to be sooo much harder cuz i never had......well, it wasn't, and u no wut, i thank God for that, i am SOOO GLAD that it wasn't awkward that it wasn't made this huge deal, becuz it could have been, he knew it was a first, and that would have made me sooo nervous and so self-conscience the whole time!.....i'm so glad it was who it was and it went the way it did, i couldn't have asked for anything better, and i definately expected it to be worse (not the actual act, but the event, anyway, n/m) lol! but it was perfect for me! ****i don't want u all to think i am some slut that just had sex or something, no no no, NOTHING LIKE THAT!!! it was just my first kiss thats all (or rather, first kisses)**** anyhow, i wanted to write it down, to cataloge it and remember, and be able to talk about it, cuz i no there's no way i'm going to be able to share the story w/my friends, for many reasons, such as 1 i'd be the first of the first and they may not appriciate that 2 this wasn't one'a those public things, and my friends don't always no the differance ya and i don't have a 3 yet, also there is NO WAY i'm talking about it w/my family, cuz they have plenty of things to tease me about already, i don't need to add to the list; and well if i'm not talking about it w/my friends or my family, then who's left?...exactly, my journal! and so that's where i'm putting my thots at....anyhow, i had a great nite last nite, hope u all did too....changedfish

"rain is romantic"....and yet today it was sunny and tonite it was dry.......
that wasn't so strange, it wasn't so hard, that wasn't as foriegn as i'd feared. things went well. is it bad to hope for many more nites like this one, and many more times like that? is it wrong to wish the movie never ended, that it never got any later, that he never had to leave....is that stupid?......well, i don't think so! i think there will be more nites like that and more fun times, more love songs about rain and bank robber movies, i think....or rather i hope....i hope so....changedfish

HEHEHEHEHE! that's just what i've been feeling like lately, and it's strange, cuz wen it rains, i get sad, but for some reason-sometimes "the sun shines in the shadows"! i know i know, i'm a freak, but u already knew that so wut's it matter eh? its just that i've been keeping some things to myself, and i like it, i got the giggles today in class just thinking about stuff, and u know why i was so happy? cuz i didn't have to tell anyone, for once in my life i didn't feel compelled to tell my friends every detail, and it's been that way recently, i've been secretive, altho actually i've sharing more than i ever had before, and i still haven't told them a thing. wow, that was confusing, i even confused my self so:overview- i have been telling my friends a lot about stuff, w/o telling them anything at all and i'm happy about that! (get that?)----->whatev! i've had a great week and not even entirely because of the thing u'd think, i've just not had anything bad happen. sure, i get annoyed, agitated at times, but for the most part, things r finally looking up for me-sorta-- so to my friends:thanx for ur support, i'll tell u everything eventually, and to the one who actually will be able to interpret this mess of a message-thanx for talking stuff over w/me! and for any strangers that just happened to wander onto my blog, u may wanna read a few more to even close to grasp wut the heck i'm saying!
changedfish- signing out

uh...wow....life. what more can u say eh? just plain life rite? i mean geez, it's meant to be complicated and yet so simple all at the same time rite? it's like geez, i think i know what's comming rite, and i get all excited and then....dun dun dun, nothing happens, GEEZ! i dunno, i can't actually say nothing, cuz boy has a LOT actually happened, its just the thing i thot was comming hasnt come, and altho i'm REALLY enjoying what did come, it's still like i'm anticipating....i don't know what i'm thinking, cuz i really think i'm anticipating the wrong thing, well, not neccisarily (i can't spell) the wrong thing, just i don't think it's actually comming, so y wait? rite? but i know i will wait, and i know that should the time come, i'll be ready and all....but being as it's still all weird and stuff no one understands wut i'm saying and i'm sorry, but some of these entries are just so i can think, not for ur personal entertainment. so i'm off cuz i've got an email to write, nite, changedfish

wow, things in this world always seem so complicated, and frustrating...but then...u hit this moment, this moment in time when everything makes sense, and all the bad things go away, and ur satisfied, and u feel that u understand the world and the world understands u and everything will be ok someday, whether it turns out the way u want, the way u planned, or not! today was like that. ya, it had its ups and downs: the wheather sucked!! i had a test!! but in the long run...it was wonderful! and i can't tell u why, and i would never try to explain it to anyone...well maybe someone, but certainly not everyone, because no matter how well i explained it, no one, and i'm serious! no one, would get it, not my friends, most definately not my family, not my teachers, coaches, confidants, no one! so i won't explain....but i will say...today was a wonderful day!
changedfish

It was valentines day...
it was valentines day and everyone had someone.
it was valentines day and i didn't.
it was valentines day and i watched u.
it was valentines day and u called me.
it was valentines day and u finally told me what i wanted to hear.
it was valentines day....and now it's not.
it was valentines day and a good nite!
it was valentines day....and now it's not.
the day of love was a good one....followed by a day of ok-ness.
"it felt like we were together" that's what u said to me. "when u said 'happy valentines day' it felt like we were together"...so....what's w/that, so....we're not, so u say we never will be? do u wanna feel like we r? ok, let's go...show up at my door, make me feel u care....or maybe
it was valentines day...changedfish

At the end of the nite, i'm always still me
i'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. it seems to be a good thing rite? most people think u shouldn't change yourself for others, that u should hold true to the way u r. and i have no problem w/that, i believe that...but what if i want to change, wut if i hate being predictable all the time. i mean, what if i never change, what if i'm like this forever? i no that sounds all dramatic, cuz everything always changes, but sometimes i just wonder is all, if i'll ever get over or grow out of this awkward stage in my life. i mean i'll be 16 in like 5 months, and if i'm going to be different i should start now, rite? somepeople change themselves to fit in, or to be like other people, to get something. but me, i want to change for me, i mean, ya i'm always changing, but it seems that at the end of the nite, i'll always still be just plain ol' me. it's annoying, and it seems that wenever i do something unpredictable that i'm all proud of, or that i had fun with, that i get all this crap about it, it's just frustrating that i feel that i'm stuck w/this life i'm living, stuck in this body, stuck w/these friends, stuck w/this family, just plain stuck, and i don't want to be stuck! i want to be free, to make my own decisions, to do what i want (w/in reason) i want to make new friends but still keep the old, and i don't wanna feel bad for doing wut i no is rite, i don't, i don't, i just don't!!! it seems every entry i write is just this angry venting, but this is where i get all my feelings, all my emotions, all my thots out, where i can just say whatever i want and there's no one that can stop me, u can comment u can make fun, but u can't stop me!! hey if u wanna write me something feel free. email me at rubbadubdub16@hotmail.com and i'll read wutever u have to say, heck i'll even email u back! wutev, i'm having a strange nite lay off! changedfish

Don't listen to people! they don't know any better than u do!
i've been thinking, that my friends don't really know any better than i do, i mean about life. it's like, y should i listen to what they think about MY life? wen they think that this means something, when they say that he likes me, or that he doesn't or that she is this or that, it's just like, how do they know any better than i do, if they haven't heard it direct from the horses mouth type thing. i dunno, i think i like the innocent way of living, they say ignorance is bliss, and sometimes that's tru and sometimes its not, but i think for the most part i'd like to be able to choose whether i want to know or not, i mean isn't that my choice? shouldn't i be able to say what i do or don't want to know? well sometimes people just tell u things, and it's like, "SHUT UP, stop thinking u know my life better than i do!"
i like to be independant. i like to find things out for myself, i like to feel that i could survive w/o any other humans telling me things, and truth is i know i couldn't , truth is i can't live w/o people, but truth is i think i could. anyhow, i dunno wut my deal is, catch ya late, changedfish

funny how sisters go thro the same things at similar times, w/different people. i guess, i don't feel so much like this now as i did then...but sometimes, i still think about it, and this is what it's like:
I'd like to say I'm done. I'd like to say im leaving; that i'm completly walking away. I wish I could say, im strong. I wish I could say we're through. I want to be able to say, im not giving in this time. I know the only thing I need to do is just walk away. I want to tell you that I wont let you hurt me anymore. That I'm moving on. That I'll find someone who wants me. But I can't. I'm not strong. When you snap your fingers I'll come running. I'll let you use me whenever you want. I'll pretend I don't care about all the other girls. I'll pretend that this is nothing to me, that I don't get hurt when you don't call. That I'm not hurt when you ignore me.
But it's okay, because this is my choice. I know that by hanging on like this, I'm choosing to let myself be hurt. I guess, "some things you don't leave until they leave you." -funny how sisters that r so different, are so alike...changedfish

u no, sometimes i just wish things went differently! i wish i was this...or that...or not me! cuz if u haven't noticed, nothing goes the way i want it to! i mean, for a time it will, but in the end everything just gets screwy! (is that even a word? prolly not!) its not that i'm unhappy, it's not that i'm not enjoying everything about my life and stuff, i am. it's just that every-so-often i realize what could have happened and i just kick myself!!! i could have had what i wanted! or i could have avoided this! i mean, geez! y can't i just think about things before i do them? it's ridiculous! i screw up sooo many things because i say the wrong thing, most of the time because i say too much! and it sux! it's like, sometimes i wish i could just be one of those really quite girls that is just silent! i mean, guys like that, they like the whole mystery thing, and that annoys me, cuz i'll never be like that, i'll always talk way too much, i'll always say the wrong things, i'll always be the loud mouthed dork! and that just pisses me off! but wutever rite? rite?
no, not even! cuz it's not wutever, its my life dang it all! and if something goes wrong, it's not wutever to me! it's not! i just say it is! i just say i'm not pissed, i just say everythings ok, i just act like things don't bother me and everything in the world is rite and wonderful and peachy! y do i do that? why can't i just say some things? and not others? y do i talk forever on something that no one cares about and never about stuff thats really important to me? i mean, when am i gonna get that people just don't care, and the only ones who do, r the people i'll never be able to talk about stuff with, so i guess in the end i'm just screwed up and only i know it! is that the case, is that what's really bothering me, that no one gets me, that no one knows what's bothering me! grr...and in the end, i still say "whatever, who cares?"
changedfish