on suicide, and the reasons to just say no

i have this thing where i think a lot about death- not because i'm depressed or want to die, it's just something that crosses my mind on a semi-regular basis and sometimes i like to explore those thoughts. however these days i come across a lot of people my age that are not just curious about death but are ready to volunteer for the task and i always wonder why the heck they'd want to do that. but today i'm not going to explore the why they want to, i'm going to explore the why they shouldn'ts. here's my little list, enjoy:

• the sun will come out tomorrow
• gas prices haven't hit $5 yet
• the orginal nintendo
• simon didn't say
• there are too many traffic cones left to steal
• cliches
• payless shoes
• mr. potato head
• food is simply too good
• dumb jokes
• blood is highly overrated
• new underwear
• music is constantly improving
• getting lost
• telling secrets
• boxers or breifs (either way, you've got to find out)
• chocolate
• i double dog dare you to outlive me
• nike is lame- don't "just do it"
• crayons
• sunrises and sunsets
• marriage
• your mom (it's the answer to every question)
• the unknown and unexpected
• full house re-runs
• your next birthday
• green grass
• i hear it's illegal
• future children
• bright colors
• gun control- too many hoops to jump through
• the coast guard (what? that's a good reason not to kill yourself)
• relatives
• taking a train ride- not like a city train, like cross country
• the fat lady didn't sing yet
• beauty
• mashed potatoes
• a good pair of socks

ok that's all i've got for now- anyone want to add? feel free. changedfish

my mother once told me that she read a study in some magazine (i dunno what it was but she refers to this article quite a bit so she obviously read it thoroughly and feels it's reliable) that said that the women voted most beautiful had hips that were 10 inches bigger than their waist. now i choose to believe this myth because last time i measured for a sewing pattern that was the exact difference between my hips and waist. now i'm not saying i'm the most beautiful woman in the world of course, but i like the idea that curves are desirable, because all i've seen on models for the past few years are these literally stick girls. not just refering to their width (which generally could not be considered width at all) but their shape as well. they definately don't have hips 10 inches bigger than their waist, and it gets me thinking about our idea of beauty and how it fluctuates, cuz i'm thinking that article must have been old. i mean marilyn monroe was a size 13, that's bigger than me by far and yet she was considered the ideal for her time period. personally i like my size- sure there are days when i'm up or down and i'm happier or not so much but honestly when i think about shapes, i'd rather have mine than just about anyone elses. my mom told me this week (i quote my mom a lot) that she thinks God made me the size i am because i'm more relatable. i mean i'm attractive enough that people can hang out with me but i'm not that untouchable beauty- not too thin that i'm unlikeable and not too big that it's uncomfortable. i thought it was an interesting thing to say- i have to think she's right, i mean i don't really love hanging out with people that are that much better looking than me because it makes me feel self conscious but do i generally choose to hang out with people that are pleasing to the eye, i can't lie and say that i don't.
i guess my thought is just, what will the next beauty shape be? will big ever be in? will we keep going for the small? middle of the road? i mean i knwo fashion tends to repeat itself but will american's ever again go for the fleshy look of the past? i don't know, i think media gets to kind of choose whatever it wants and if it wants to migrate toward another shape, another look, it will- as much as we think it's showing us what we already view as beauty really it's telling us what is to be beauty.
it's so funny, i mean this isn't a new concept- we all realize this, there are certain things that we see and crave that we can't explain or understand, it's those things that we are presented with every day- bombarded with all the time until we either decide we like it or we stop saying we don't because we realize everyone around us does. we learned about this in my comm theory class- the whole, which has more influence on which, us on media or media on us, and the answer is media effects us far more than we effect what the media presents, which is sad, but true so what'r we gonna do about it i guess.
i'm done talking about this now- changedfish

From the one who cannot speak

thanks mom:
i want to thank you mom, for saving me from the world. thank you for keeping me from a life full of heartbreak and theives, from humiliation and pride.
mom you saved me from the bumps and bruises of learning to walk
the jibberish of learning to talk
the scraps of learning to ride a bike
mom because of you i never had to learn to read, to paint with my fingers, to study for a spelling test. you rescued me from giving a speach at my high school graduation or trying to find a way to pay for college. before i was old enough to have a voice you made sure i wouldn't have to use it in anger, before i knew what crying was you made sure i would not shed a tear.
mom you took my life into your hands and decided i didn't need to work until i sweat, you decided not to let me struggle, not to let me grieve. mom you watched the divorce rates rise with the crime rates and you thought to yourself, i don't want my baby to grow up in this. you knew you were too young to spend time with me each day and you didn't want me to have to find friends in the neighborhood. because of you i was never made fun of, never pushed down, never failed a test, never went hungry, because of you i was never too cold or too hot, i was never too wet or too dry.....because of you i skipped life and went straight to death.
oh mama how can i thank you?...for the life i never had to lead

changedfish- the voice of one such fetus