Moot
"it's a moo point...you know like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter- it's moo"

changedfish- don't believe your own illusions

(so, i wrote this in the morning and by the end of the day it wasn't so bad...sometimes i need to whine)

My Most Apathetic Day Yet...

I don’t know if you understand, I feel like summer disappeared. It’s like it never even happened. It’s fading into the background-surreal- like I dreamt it. And even worse, the good times fade the fastest, until all I can grasp are the bad times and even those are trapped in an impenetrable cloud. I thought I was the optimist.
I read about lizards doing push-ups and a wave of memory washed over me but it was harsh, not soft, not subtle, a sharp wave of summer, hot and hard it hit me like a wall and then left before I could chase after it.
I thought it would be ok too you know, I really did, by the end I really didn’t think it would be like this and now by my own fault it’s come to this. This point where all I want to do is lock the doors and let my fragile angel sleep until it passes her by.
Last night was the epitome of it all, watching the group of us, none of us having the energy to fake it but lacking the selfishness to admit it. A bunch of broken people, lost in a familiar world, not sure how to pick up the pieces and no one around to show them how except other broken individuals around them.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
This isn’t me. I’m starting to forget me too, it went away with the summer. I don’t even take pictures, me, not taking pictures- only taking them to add to the façade that this is all ok, that nothing is different, that this is how I choose life to be.
It’s like I don’t want to remember this, I want to pretend that it doesn’t count as a point in life, that it never existed, that the people closest to me aren’t in constant unquenchable pain.
I can’t fix it, I want to fix it, but I can’t.
My first inclination is to give it all up. Up past the clouds and the sky, past the universe to the one who knows what to do with it all. I want to give this year to the Lord and walk away and let it be what it is…but somehow I don’t let myself. I have this insatiable desire for control, to figure it out on my own, to make the world better for everyone around me- what is that about me? What is it in me that would allow me to relinquish control, to hand it over to the only one who can do it all.

Changedfish- In dependence is courage

ps it's ok for you to believe matthew 7:7- hope makes the world go 'round

say something...
i just keep talking because you don't stop me.
changedfish- why don't i make myself do the right thing?

THAT girl

i'm that girl aren't i? no matter how hard i try i can't run far enough away. you can't get away from who you are i guess but i suppose i thought i'd left her behind.
i'm a tease, i'm the girl that knows when a guy likes her and doesn't walk away, i'm the girl who knows which guys don't get female attention and goes over and starts a conversation. i'm that girl, the girl that girls hate and guys hate they just don't realize that i fall into the catagory they loath so much. i'm the girl that goes to the end of the earth to keep up the flattery. i'm the girl that justifies her actions with logic. i'm the girl that can't say no. i'm the girl that can excuse anything with "well i just get along better with guys." i can't believe i'm that girl...i really dislike that girl. that girl plays with boys minds, she plays with their hearts and she always plays the innocent card. i really don't want to be that girl, what the heck?

changedfish- and i thought i'd gotten rid of her this time...

all we need is a bit of momentum...

i've not done a great job of updating this summer, i haven't truly been online much this summer what with camp all week long and having people here on the weekends so it's not that i feel bad, cuz who's keeping track besides me but still i like to catalogue significant moments in my life lest i forget them. problem is this summer hasn't been full of recordable moments, i mean i'm not going to lie it was a hard summer, having people here all summer was no piece of cake as i had anticipated. i mean it's just that i'm a valuer of quality alone time and i didn't much of that. i tried to just take it for myself but then i feel guilty i guess i wasn't much of a hostess, but i guess they were practically more tennents than guests anyhow- not that they paid me or anything, or that they acted that way but i just mean i didn't exactly break out the fancy soap for them cuz they lived here, i mean it wasn't a small visit, they were here for like 2 months.
camp this year felt totally different from last year- it felt like it went so much faster, like it was so much easier, each week wasn't a drain it was a joy and maybe it's cuz i'm learning more about how to be a better counselor and maybe it's because i had better campers but it made me all pumped up for next year. i mean i'll still be young, i don't see why i won't be there. but we'll see, i never make any promises this far in advance, i like to wait until the last moment, make paul sweat a little bit : )
i don't know why i even started this post, i have nothing to say really, i just look at this thing and i think of all the things i should write and i can't write them and then i can't think of anything else to write so...i guess i just won't : )
changedfish-your mom