Oh the joys of thanksgiving

thanksgiving is always my favorite holiday. it's the time when my family gets together- we're not big on family get togethers the rest of the year because we're fairly spread out but thanksgiving is the one time we all get together. and each year we sit down at the dinner table and each of us says what we're thankful for.
well the last few years everyone is always thankful for the new addition to the table, meaning someone brought a significant other. and each year i sit there smiling, by myself. this year we expanded, somehow we all (and by we all, i mean everyone else) went around the table- after our thank you's- and told the story of how they first met their spouse or boyfriend. now the funny thing is, as much as i make a big deal about all of this sometimes, it really doesn't bug me. i keep thinking that every year it will be this big deal that i don't have someone and really it's not. i mean without fail they're going to ask me why i didn't bring anyone to thanksgiving but the fam has done a progressively better job each year of just asking the once and then letting it go. i am, after all, the youngest one at the table each year and somehow they haven't realized that now i'm 20 and still never have a boyfriend. i mean sure there were years where other cousins didn't bring guests but they've almost always had boyfriends stashed somewhere just not at the family table with the rest of us.
and i've been reading the book "when God writes your love story" and i'm enjoying it just fine but these last few chapters i've become keenly aware of all the references to singleness being lonely and painful adn all the tearful times and i just keep thinking- is it really that hard for people? is it really so terrible? i mean i understand that the book is attempting to say that we should take this time to prepare and to grow in our relationship with God and to just become who we are and eventually we'll find someone but when they say it they say it like "we know that your life is miserable but try to make the best of it before marriage." now that's an exageration but it really is a lot of how the book is written and i just keep thinking to myself how happy i am to be who i am and where i am and that yes i do someday want to get married and yeah i'm real eager to meet the incredible man that God has set aside for me, but until then i'm not going to let my life be destroyed because i'm "alone." i truly feel sorry for people who have the incredible emptiness inside because they're not married yet. i mean i suppose i have much more empathy for those who are over 30 and still waiting and trying to cope with the idea that it may never happen for them, but it's the 19 year olds and the 23 year olds that are just so desperate and despairing over the whole thing that i feel sorry for in a different way. i really wish that they didn't ahve to feel so incomplete and like their lives are so useless right now.
don't get me wrong i realize that not everyone is like that and there are plenty of people that are still living life, but it seems i keep running into and hearing about the folks that are moping about the wait.

i'm beginning to get excited about the day when i get to bring a special friend to thanksgiving-changedfish

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BLOG!
did you realize that 5 years ago this month i started this blog- since that time i've expanded my blogspot to include 7 blogs ranging from 2 posts to 475, with a grand total of 632 posts. now maybe over 5 years time that doesn't seem so significant but to me it's incredible to be able to look back on the past 5 years and have 632 different reminders of what's gone on in my life and who i am and where i've been...
praise the Lord for blogging- changedfish

Major Major update time

i know i know, you're thinking to yourself- wow what a slacker, this girl has been a terrible blogger this year. as you sigh you're remembering past years when i would post weekly- if not daily.
i wish i still did that, i forget so much of my life already. and i know i needed to blog to get through my teen years adn to sort through the drama of high school and such but just because i've hit my 20's doesn't mean that life is less dramatic. i mean now is when decisions really matter and where my life is truly being shaped.
this semester has once again been so vastly different from all the others. it started so slow, it felt like it took forever for all of my usual activities and ministries to pick up and get going adn then october hit adn so did the busyness! work started adn so did bible study adn ministry adn my training for the women's center and now i'm in a play- BAM so much at once, and on top of all the extra curriculars somehow i'm supposed to keep up on my studies and do my senior research project!
i say this merely to give an idea of how full life is but also to remind myself of all i've accomplished by this point. as i sit here i'm a week away from going home for thanksgiving for a week, only to come back for 2 weeks and return there for christmas break. before i go home though i have to turn in 3 major book reports and take a test, perform 3 nights of Flowers for Algernon and pack haha.
however looking back my senior project is done as is the majority of my semester- i can't believe i'm graduating in less than 6 months.
i don't know what's going to happen at that point, it's so hard to believe that i won't still be walking this campus everyday. i mean i suppose i always knew it would come and i'm really excited for that day to come but this has been my life for 3 years and it really is my life, all my friends are here all my mentors, all my activities. this is where i found my passions in life, this is where i've had the most intense experiences of my life, i've learned more about myself, God, others, and life in general in these past years than i had in the first 18 i walked this planet. i dont' want to return home and allow my life to go back to normal. not that college life isn't normal i suppose but it's not normal for life, its' only normal for college kids and i won't be a college kid anymore once i graduate. actually that may not be true because i'm planning to go to grad school next january- we'll see if the Lord confirms that plan in the coming months.
i'm going to be very interested to see what job i get when i move home. i knwo that may sound silly but i honestly have trouble thinking of jobs beyond the average "kid job" like waitressing or retail or lifeguarding or camp counseling. i mean i dont' midn working any of those jobs and i'm sure that's where i'll end up working but still those aren't jobs that one pictures as a college graduate's job. yet i didn't get a terminal degree so i'm not really trained or prepared for anything. don't get me wrong, i've loved my education here, i think it has given me an incredible foundation for life- it's just not exactly a practical degree if i wanted to stop at the bachelor level. though i may be surprised, i mean God is not limited by things like that, He keeps surprising me and changing my plans, i know He'll do it again this year and i'm excited about that prospect.
it may sound ridiculous by my biggest dilema is whether or not i'll do camp again this summer. it like physically hurts to think that i may not be there counseling full time this summer. the last time that happened i was 15! adn back then i was a camper! haha i mean i know that everyone would understand and all but i keep thinking that maybe if i just live at home and maybe if i can get a weekend job or something that maybe i can still do it- and then another part of me thinks that maybe i can play the laurie williams role and just be the person in charge of primary kids and the girls talks but that would mean only being up there a couple of camps or maybe a day or two a week- it's just not the same, but it would still be camp. and i mean if i do head into grad school the following spring semester at national i won't be able to do it the next 2 summers for sure because i'll be in school and after that i'll have a master's and will definately be expected to be moved out and working a real job- i mean i know i'll only be 23 but i can't mooch the system forever. though it would be smart of me to move home for a while rather than moving out like i keep planning because grad school's not just going to pay for itself and i like my parents. they're good people and are so laid back and love me so much and are very accomidating to me having friends over and to me having my own schedule adn stuff. i mean if moving out was free then i'd obviously go with that but since it's clearly not then i have to decide if i can logically pay rent, utilities, groceries, and school without going into serious debt. though i'm sure taking out a SMALL loan wouldn't be the end of the world but i'm also at the time of life where marriage is starting to enter into the picture and the last thing i want to bring into a marriage is financial baggage- i have enough baggage for the poor guy already just being the sassy mcsasserson that i am.
it's all so much for me to mull over at once. and i know i'm not supposed to worry about tomorrow, and really for the majority of each day i dont' even think about these things but i feel like God's given us the ability to reason and plan and think things through adn it's my responsibility to be responsible for my future.

having thought all this through i figured i should talk to my family about it all and get their feed back so i sent this email to my mom: (i merely include this so i can remember my own thoughts, not really because i think you care about my email to my mom)

"hey mama,
this is random but i was just doing some thinking and journaling about my future tonight and i knew that you'd take the time to pray for me and help me think things through.
the basic things i've been thinking through are like whether or not i want to move home or move out and whether or not i want to go to national or whether i want to go somewhere else or whether i want to go to grad school at all. and what i'm going to do for camp once summer rolls around.

i feel like i don't know where God's leading me but at the same time every time i think about not doing camp next year it really bums me out. i know this summer started out rough and i thought it was time for me to step out but i don't know if i can do it haha and i keep thinking that maybe i can become the new laurie williams (with my own flare of course) but i dont' knwo if she's going to step down at all and i dont' know if they'd pay me for that. but at the same time that would be a lot less stress and may be easier on me, i mean that way i could still be a major part of camp but not have to lose as much sleep : ) but it's hard to start a new job and say "well i need these 3 weeks off and i need to be off by 4 these night so i can go up to camp" you don't get to do that at a new job adn i dont' think it's very responsible of me to not have a job with an actual income once i get home.
obviously if i plan to move out then camp is a no go because it simply won't pay the bills and because i'm not going to pay to nto live there 5 nights a week! but as excited as i am about moving out and being on my own and stuff the logistics just don't seem to fit. the more i think about it the less responsible it sounds- i mean i know that it sounds like i'm being a responsible adult if i move out, but if i have a place that i can live rent free for a while and save up money so i can go to grad school debt free then it seems completely irrational not to take up the offer.
so that brings me to this thought- what do you and daddy think about me moving home, i know you love me but be honest, what do you think about that. like do you want me to pay some rent? how soon do you want me to move out? i mean i know that you two keep going off on trips and living the life so whether someone is there or not in that capacity may not be a big deal but if i'm living there that's one more mouth to feed and one more person using the computer and one more person washing clothes and stuff. i just don't know if you two are at a point where you're ready to just have the house to yourself or if you really adn truly want us kids lingering.

i know this is long but you can take shifts reading cuz i'm just going to keep this flow going- i think of all people you'll not mind.

money-wise my goal is to have saved about $2,000 by graduation, if daddy can manage to sell a rental (i hear the housing market is super good right now haha) then my loans will get paid off and he's said he'll give me the balance, which is something like $10,000. if i do go to national the whole program will cost me around $23,000 and i wont' start until january after graduation. so even if i get an $8/hr job, if i work say 30 or more hours a week i'll make over $900 a month. may- january that's just under $8,000. which brings the grand total to 20,000 (well that's the gross number, i mean i don't intend to not spend a cent, this is hypothetical of course, we're just working the numbers- follow me haha) and that would enable me to pay off school without having to take out a loan because i'm positive that i can make the remaining $3,000 within 18 months of school. however as you can see this is assuming that i'm not paying any rent anywhere (ok really it's assuming that i haven't put gas in my car or bought any groceries or any clothes or gone out to eat or had coffee with a friend).
i say all of that to come to the conclusion that if i want to do school debt free then i'm going to have to either get a ridiculously good paying job or not move out right away.
then there's the idea about going somewhere else for school or not going at all, and i haven't really entertained those thoughts as of yet because i really feel like if i'm going to get another degree that's the program i want and redding is where i watn to live and such. so that's not really as much of an issue but still something to pray about and decide if that's what i want to be doing and where i want to be spending all of this money.

ok, i'm done now : )
thanks for reading all of that, i know it's long but i had a lot of thoughts and i needed to think them out and i also want to hear what you think about it all and i knew i'd forget to have the whole conversation."


this has been a lot of thinking, changedfish