everyone knows i'm in over my head...

i'll admit i'm terribly selfish
i'll admit i'm quite unreasonable
i'll admit i'm entirely ridiculous

i don't know why i create these stupid double standards, or why i can't let things go. i don't know why i push people away and i don't know why i won't let them leave me alone. it's like i have this insatiable need for people to have to figure me out and that's dumb. i think one of the best things i had going for me was the fact that i was easy-going, almost predictable, but i ruin even that. i can't be easy going because why? because i feel that i'm owed something? because all the other girls do it? like that's dumb, i hate being one of the other girls, i hate being high maintenance and demanding, i hate people walking on eggshells around me in order not to wake the beast, in order to keep the anger at bay, to make sure that the princess is happy- that's crap, and that isn't who i am but sometimes i do get bothered by pointless problems and sometimes i do make a big deal out of nothing. of course that's not a crime but it's something i need to admit to myself- not act high and mighty as if i have never done a stupid girl thing- because i have. i have a lot of things in my life that i need to work on a lot of me that isn't broken but needs fixing and i blame my faults on other people and i excuse my behavior and act as if i am validated in my petiness. it's ridiculous- i'm ridiculous. i'm sorry ok? i'm sorry that i can't just let things go that need to be let go. i'm sorry that i bring up little things and make them bigger. i'm sorry that i let the one minor smidgen of a bad detail completely destroy all of the wonderful main points. i'm sorry that i focus on the bad and claim to be an optimist. i'm sorry taht i make you feel worse than you already do and don't feel bad about it. i'm sorry that i don't recognize your effort and pout when you fail to praise me for mine. i'm sorry that i use my mean voice, i'm sorry i get crabby. i'm sorry that i'm pitiful and small and walk around roaring like a lion. i'm sorry i won't let you in and i'm sorry i can't keep you out. i'm sorry i keep you around and i'd be more sorry to let you go. i'm sorry that i crave attention and claim to be humble. i'm sorry that i act out and expect to be praised. i'm sorry that i hug hard and hit harder. i'm sorry that i'm harsh and unfeeling all while being sensitive and broken. i'm sorry i'm scarred and i'm sorry you can't fix that. i'm sorry that i use you and i'm sorry that i act as if i don't. i'm sorry if i portray you wrong and i'm sorry if i belittle you. i'm sorry if i don't show you your due respect, i'm sorry if you think you don't deserve it. i'm sorry i can't take a compliment and it's worse that i don't give them. i'm sorry i make fun of you all the time, and i'm sorry that sometimes i mean it. i'm sorry that you're hurting and i'm sorry i can't make it better. i'm sorry things didn't go the way you wanted and i'm sorry i let you think they would.
basically what i'm trying to say is i've made a lot of mistakes and i'm not always proud of the way i've acted, i know i can be difficult and i appreciate your patience.

changedfish- don't hate me por favor