bi-polar
i'm so bi-polar on these subjects....cuz now, now that i've absolutely killed every small chance of anything....now i'm second guessing myself, now i don't know anything all i know is that rite now, the only thing i want to do, is be w/u, i want to be there w/u, and i want to hug u and know that ur going to be ok, and i want to be there just lying next to u, feeling u breath, hearing your heart beat, and i want to tell u i'm sorry, and i want to cry on ur shoulder and i want u to tell me that i'm beautiful and that i've hurt u, and that ur angry but u forgive me, and i want...i want to look into ur eyes, that's all i want rite now....i just want to be in the same room as u, and i want to be there for u, and i want u to know how much i care about u, and i want u to know that if i'dve known i never woulda done it.....if i thot u cared, i wouldn't have left....and i know it's too late, and i know i got what i wanted, yet again, i've gotten wut i wanted and its not wut i want...i don't know wut i want anymore....i don't know anything anymore, all i know is that i'm the biggest screw up, not only did i hurt u once, but i've hurt u again, and u trusted me, u opened up to me, u finally let me in, and i destroyed u, and i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, and that's not good enuf, there isn't a stronger word than that, and it kills me, because that doesn't even begin to tell u anything...sorry? wuts that mean anyway...and i don't want u to think that i retracted my statement and i'm trying to erase it, cuz that can't be done, that whole thing is true, it is....i'm not going to lie to u, but it's not the way it comes out....i don't hate u all of a sudden, i don't want to throw it all away and flush it down the drain....i don't know what i want!!!! and i'm going to die here, not knowing wut i want, because i'm too stupid to think about things long enuf to see the errors in the plan.....u once said (referring to males) "we fail tests we don't even know we're taking" and i guess that's wut happened, i tested the waters enuf times, and i just got sick of not getting any feed back...so i did wut i thot was best, and i'm sorry if it didn't end up being...i don't truly know how i feel now, about u, about us, about any of it, all i know is that rite now, i feel...well, like shit and i'm not afraid to say the word! changedfish