Lord you are good and your mercy endureth forever
i don't even know what to think. went to bible study tonight, cuz it's wednesday and i love my bible study, and like chris talked about a few things but what really stuck out to me was when he talked about breaking out of your bubble, and how cedarville seems to support the bubble you know. and it's like ok i agree with him in the sense that he put it but at the same time i feel like what God's been teaching me this week is about that bubble, and what it means to me, and whether or not that's a bad thing.
i'm so confused on the matter right now, i haven't really thought/prayed it out yet, it's in the beginning stages but it's like, this week i was accused of being a cedarville girl, of living that bubble life and my first reaction was total defense, basically i was just like, dude no that's not me, i'm not an ultra-conservative home schooled freak you know, like i was offended that someone would think that i was legalistic and naive you know because to me that's what the quote/unquote cedarville bubble is all about, about people who were born in a bubble went to school in a bubble and now moved away from home to be in the same kind of bubble you know. people who don't realize that they're in a bubble in the first place, that think that the most heinous of crimes are like drinking and having sex you know. people so appauled by things that i used to see in high school every day and think almost nothing of. and i think about being classified that way and it bugs me, it makes me so annoyed that someone would think i was that innocent right, and then i was thinking about it and i was just like why, why does that bug me. what you dont' want to be more innocent? you dont' want fewer regrets? you don't want less temptation, or at least in a sense because some things are so far out of their thinking that they're not a temptation. and like ok, i'm not like that, i can think back to a time when i was a lot like that, i can basically follow my life through and see where all of my innocence was stripped away, where i learned bad words, when i learned raunchy jokes, the times when i was pressured into doing things and going places i shouldn't have, the people i broke the rules with you know...it's like a story book and i can just watch it unfold in front of me right, but then at the same time i'm trying to prove to people that i'm scarred? that i've done bad things? that i'm worldy and over exposed to the horrors of this world. like what am i trying to tell people. i was sitting there trying to prove how corrupt i am, how i just sit by and watch people do things and i don't say anything, how things don't really bother me, even if they're wrong you know, that i'm so desensitized that what would be jaw dropping to another doesn't even phase me. like what is that? like what kind of argument am i making?
and yes i do feel that it's not about the rules in life it's about motives and living for God in whatever way He has mapped out for you. i mean having a glass of wine with dinner i say go for it, drinking a bottle of vodka not so much and it's the same for other rules, some people struggle with things that dont' cause others to stumble, so for some to do it is ok and for others it really isn't. and i know that goes to the whole postmodern, there are many truths thing, but i'm not saying that, i still believe that there is ultimate truth, but that doesn't mean that all rules apply equally to all. i know that goes against what you learned in grade school because rules have to be made for all people. but i mean for me some laws i don't even think about because it's not something i'm going to do but other laws really effect me. i dunno this is jumbled but it's just like i don't want to be a typical cedarville bubble girl, no i don't, but what kind of bubble do i want you know, i mean everyone has a bubble, and when chris says to bust out of my bubble i want to say, yes but what bubble do you mean? do you mean the generic one size fits all bubble or my personalized bubble. like that sounds lame but i feel like i came to cedarville BECAUSE of that bubble, i came here because i've been outside the bubble far too long, i've been in the real world for a long time, i've been persecuted for my faith and i've given into that just as much as i've defended against it but i came here hoping for a respite, i came here thinking that for these 3 years for this short time in my life i could be fed, that i could build up my resistance, that i could get my training and then go back out there ready to give it my all. and it's not like i'm taking a full on vacation from it, i mean i still do love ministries i'm involved in and of course there's always the times when i go home or whatever, but i just can't see how my thinking is wrong in this. i know it's selfish but i feel like i wouldn't be a good representation of the faith right now, i'm working on it, but i don't have the knowledge the training the foundation that i feel i should have, and wouldn't it be nice if i could work on that without having to constantly go into battle at the same time, i mean it's really hard to heal when the wounds keep getting ripped open again in the morning. i think it's fair, but maybe i'm wrong, maybe i'm just making excuses so i can live an easy life...i don't know, honeslty i don't know what the answers are, it just got me thinking today because i felt like what God was showing me today is that living in my bubble isn't bad, that it's a good thing to shelter yourself from the world, that i shouldn't get so defensive and try to prove myself to people that don't matter, not that don't matter but people who's expectations of greatness don't match up to mine. like if i want to enjoy my lame little activities that's ok, and if i want to not participate in things i don't think are ok then i need to not try and convince others that i'm someone that i'm not you know. like yes i am a lot more liberal than most of cedarville, yes i do have differing views on somethings that i choose not to exclaim on top of a mountain becasue i know they're not accepted here but that doesn't mean that i should admit to being some kind of heathen to impress people. like yes i am not who people think i am a lot of the time but that's neither here nor there, just because people's expectations of me are different than what i know to true doesn't really mean i need to be someone else, it really means i need to be more of myself. if they don't see that then whatever, i don't know....i can't even finish this, i dont' know what to think so blah, i'm done
please God give me sunny days- changedfish
i don't even know what to think. went to bible study tonight, cuz it's wednesday and i love my bible study, and like chris talked about a few things but what really stuck out to me was when he talked about breaking out of your bubble, and how cedarville seems to support the bubble you know. and it's like ok i agree with him in the sense that he put it but at the same time i feel like what God's been teaching me this week is about that bubble, and what it means to me, and whether or not that's a bad thing.
i'm so confused on the matter right now, i haven't really thought/prayed it out yet, it's in the beginning stages but it's like, this week i was accused of being a cedarville girl, of living that bubble life and my first reaction was total defense, basically i was just like, dude no that's not me, i'm not an ultra-conservative home schooled freak you know, like i was offended that someone would think that i was legalistic and naive you know because to me that's what the quote/unquote cedarville bubble is all about, about people who were born in a bubble went to school in a bubble and now moved away from home to be in the same kind of bubble you know. people who don't realize that they're in a bubble in the first place, that think that the most heinous of crimes are like drinking and having sex you know. people so appauled by things that i used to see in high school every day and think almost nothing of. and i think about being classified that way and it bugs me, it makes me so annoyed that someone would think i was that innocent right, and then i was thinking about it and i was just like why, why does that bug me. what you dont' want to be more innocent? you dont' want fewer regrets? you don't want less temptation, or at least in a sense because some things are so far out of their thinking that they're not a temptation. and like ok, i'm not like that, i can think back to a time when i was a lot like that, i can basically follow my life through and see where all of my innocence was stripped away, where i learned bad words, when i learned raunchy jokes, the times when i was pressured into doing things and going places i shouldn't have, the people i broke the rules with you know...it's like a story book and i can just watch it unfold in front of me right, but then at the same time i'm trying to prove to people that i'm scarred? that i've done bad things? that i'm worldy and over exposed to the horrors of this world. like what am i trying to tell people. i was sitting there trying to prove how corrupt i am, how i just sit by and watch people do things and i don't say anything, how things don't really bother me, even if they're wrong you know, that i'm so desensitized that what would be jaw dropping to another doesn't even phase me. like what is that? like what kind of argument am i making?
and yes i do feel that it's not about the rules in life it's about motives and living for God in whatever way He has mapped out for you. i mean having a glass of wine with dinner i say go for it, drinking a bottle of vodka not so much and it's the same for other rules, some people struggle with things that dont' cause others to stumble, so for some to do it is ok and for others it really isn't. and i know that goes to the whole postmodern, there are many truths thing, but i'm not saying that, i still believe that there is ultimate truth, but that doesn't mean that all rules apply equally to all. i know that goes against what you learned in grade school because rules have to be made for all people. but i mean for me some laws i don't even think about because it's not something i'm going to do but other laws really effect me. i dunno this is jumbled but it's just like i don't want to be a typical cedarville bubble girl, no i don't, but what kind of bubble do i want you know, i mean everyone has a bubble, and when chris says to bust out of my bubble i want to say, yes but what bubble do you mean? do you mean the generic one size fits all bubble or my personalized bubble. like that sounds lame but i feel like i came to cedarville BECAUSE of that bubble, i came here because i've been outside the bubble far too long, i've been in the real world for a long time, i've been persecuted for my faith and i've given into that just as much as i've defended against it but i came here hoping for a respite, i came here thinking that for these 3 years for this short time in my life i could be fed, that i could build up my resistance, that i could get my training and then go back out there ready to give it my all. and it's not like i'm taking a full on vacation from it, i mean i still do love ministries i'm involved in and of course there's always the times when i go home or whatever, but i just can't see how my thinking is wrong in this. i know it's selfish but i feel like i wouldn't be a good representation of the faith right now, i'm working on it, but i don't have the knowledge the training the foundation that i feel i should have, and wouldn't it be nice if i could work on that without having to constantly go into battle at the same time, i mean it's really hard to heal when the wounds keep getting ripped open again in the morning. i think it's fair, but maybe i'm wrong, maybe i'm just making excuses so i can live an easy life...i don't know, honeslty i don't know what the answers are, it just got me thinking today because i felt like what God was showing me today is that living in my bubble isn't bad, that it's a good thing to shelter yourself from the world, that i shouldn't get so defensive and try to prove myself to people that don't matter, not that don't matter but people who's expectations of greatness don't match up to mine. like if i want to enjoy my lame little activities that's ok, and if i want to not participate in things i don't think are ok then i need to not try and convince others that i'm someone that i'm not you know. like yes i am a lot more liberal than most of cedarville, yes i do have differing views on somethings that i choose not to exclaim on top of a mountain becasue i know they're not accepted here but that doesn't mean that i should admit to being some kind of heathen to impress people. like yes i am not who people think i am a lot of the time but that's neither here nor there, just because people's expectations of me are different than what i know to true doesn't really mean i need to be someone else, it really means i need to be more of myself. if they don't see that then whatever, i don't know....i can't even finish this, i dont' know what to think so blah, i'm done
please God give me sunny days- changedfish
posted by changedfish @ 10:50 PM
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