They say this life is full of DIVES and CLIMBS...
it's so weird, i was really mellow today- not for any specific reason, just cuz i guess.
i dunno this past week-ish has been a weird mood week and i can't put my finger on why.
it's probably because i'm tired and stuff and just kind of worn down, but i dunno it's weird- like i'm a really peppy person and it's not that i haven't been, or that i had to force it, it's still all good during the day and stuff but i'm sinking back into that attitude where when i'm out with people and in classes and stuff that i'm super happy and excited and then i get back to my room and i'm just not. i used to do that at home, and my paretns always though i had like a depression/anger problem because i just expend all my happy energy out in public and once i get back home, it's my special haven where i can just crash. and i would try to explain taht to my mom all the time but she just couldn't see why i thought it was ok to be mean at home, when that's where it should matter most that i be happy- and i agree with her, that's just not how i'm wired.
people usually don't believe me when i say things like that, that my mom actually made me see a counselor because of my attitude problems at home- i mean i'm the happiest, nicest person most people know, adn that just doesn't mix. and it's weird for me too because i feel like each day is such a gift here, every single day is a blessing- no matter what classes i have- and i feel like so guilty when i'm in a blahish mood...i mean i feel like i'm doing some sort of disservice to God because He's given me so much lately, just serioulsy handed me every blessing i could've ever imagined and how do i thank Him- i sit quite in my room kind of emo? that's sooo lame mel! like i should be just jumping up and down singing! (which i pretty much do sometimes)
and i feel even sillier writing about it, i mean like cuz i shouldn't be harping on this so much, i should just try and be happy, but i dunno, i guess i'm just getting to a point where i've officially settled in and i'm kind of ready for a trip home and stuff, just feeling slightly lonely- not that anyone really knows, every so often people are like "you're quiet" but i figure that's also just part of me finally settling in, i really am not as loud as i am when i first meet people, if y'all can believe that, i mean it's not that rare when i'm not the loudest person in a conversation- especially around here, but when i first start getting to know people i try to be as much of myself as i possibly can so that they will be used to me, and then when i settle down everyone feels like i've changed and am so much more mellow- which is true but it's not because of some huge reason it's really cuz i'm not trying as hard- which is backwards for most people.
basically i just don't even know. i guess it's just kind of a confusing time for me, this college thing is all so new, all my friends are new, just my entire life is different and i think i'm still figuring out what that means to me, what that means for my life, i think it's going to take me a while to figure it out and really i'm sure i'll always feel like i'm figuring it out and then it'll be over and i'll wonder where it all went.
all in all God is good, He's given me sooooooo much that i couldn't even begin to deserve if i had till the end of time and i'm just so thankful, i just wish i was doing a better job showing Him how much i love Him....changedfish