ok so my internet has been down for a straight week and of course i couldn't stand that so i wrote this a few days ago, u may read it now!
3-14-05
Sometimes I ask myself...and sometimes people ask me...if it scares me to post my personal life online...like they think I’m stupid for hanging my dirty laundry out for the world to see...doesn’t it scare you? What if people read it? Truthfully...it terrifies me. But I think that’s the whole point- people reading it, I mean I post it online and I tell people the link and I write down my personal thoughts and I do it all for a reason, I want to present myself honestly, no false stipulations, no inaccurate assumptions, the truth for the world to see...I often worry that it will slip into the "wrong hands" as in someone I don’t want knowing all the intimate details of my life...but then I figure, really, who’s hands are wrong? I mean a stranger, well they’re not going to care they don’t even know me, my friends, most of them know everything already this is just a more emotional and flowery way to say what’s been going on with me...my family, well they know a lot as well and heck my sister and I read each others, it’s practically a bonding ritual. Perhaps it’s those people that don’t know all about you but still know you..acquaintances, I wouldn’t want them to think that the things I say here are the only things I think, and yet, I don’t know why that would bug me because if they don’t like what they read well then that’s one less person I have to convince that I really am more normal than I seem lol
my point really is that I don’t want to be judged, and at the same time, I do want to be judged–confused? Well what I MEAN is I want everyone to know me the way I really am, I want them to see me the way I know me and not they way they want to see me, I don’t want them to place high standards and expectations on me if I don’t deserve it but I don’t want them to think poorly of me either, this is my life, this is the way it is, the good the bad and the emo basically haha which brings me to another point (don’tcha love those gateway topics) music, now u may say emo’s not music, but that’s not the point, the point is music is next on my mind.
I suppose music has always been a big thing in my life, from the time I was born or even before, until now it’s always been in my house and all around me. My parents felt it was important for us to have rhythm (Because they desperately lacked it) so we started listening to Rafee and Red Grammar tapes before we understood the concept of tapping our feet. I don’t think it was a conscious decision of theirs, they just liked music and we liked music and it just sort of happened that way, and I’m glad, because I have an ear for music and tend to tap my feet to the tempo and sing on key, that’s a bonus for those close to me because I sing all the time, and even though it’s usually not very pretty, at least I’m not completely tone deaf, think about it guys, it could be worse! And now it seems that those closest to me, friends wise, are music addicts, and know everything there is to know about the music they’re into, I’ve been educated about more bands in the past year than I have all my life, and I took 9 years of elementary school choir, so that says a bit. I think it all goes back to my attraction to passion, I mean musicians, and their music, it’s just so full of passion, of emotion, and raw feelings, I don’t know but there’s just something about that passion that draws me in and gets me hooked, I can’t stand music if it’s half-hearted or just flung out there, I want to hear and feel what you were feeling when that song was born ya no, I mean that’s what music is all about, the lyrics and the notes have personality because a person wrote them from the heart, that’s just so amazing to me...I always wished I was instrumentally inclined so that I could express myself through song, but unfortunately 6 years and a lot of piano lessons and I can still barely read music. I used to love to sing, that was my emotional outlet for many of my growing up years, but well long story and many doctors later and that’s not happening anymore, so now all I can really hope for is listening to someone else’s expression and my writing...kind of ironic I think that as much as I love to talk and as much as I love to sing, writing is my outlet..and humor, that’s my coping mechanism..but I’m not really that humorous so that just kind of comes off as awkward. Maybe one of these days I’ll try to actually express my emotions AS EMOTIONS...hahaha yea right, not gonna happen! I just doubt I’ll ever be one of those weep openly, scream at my kids in public, dance in the street, heart on my sleeve types...it’s just not me, I’d rather bottle up my emotions, slap on a smile, and speak loudly, what’cha think? Good? Ok!
This has gotten lengthy enough, I’ll cut off now, but I suppose the only reason I wrote this was because I was thinking about how I posted my private blog publically now and I wanted you all to know that I didn’t do it for fun, I did it so that I wasn’t hiding anything, I want to be as straight forward and honest as possible, I try my best to put forth a positive representation of myself but often times that requires leaving out the fine details and I want y’all to know those details I’m too shy to say.
Changedfish
3-14-05
Sometimes I ask myself...and sometimes people ask me...if it scares me to post my personal life online...like they think I’m stupid for hanging my dirty laundry out for the world to see...doesn’t it scare you? What if people read it? Truthfully...it terrifies me. But I think that’s the whole point- people reading it, I mean I post it online and I tell people the link and I write down my personal thoughts and I do it all for a reason, I want to present myself honestly, no false stipulations, no inaccurate assumptions, the truth for the world to see...I often worry that it will slip into the "wrong hands" as in someone I don’t want knowing all the intimate details of my life...but then I figure, really, who’s hands are wrong? I mean a stranger, well they’re not going to care they don’t even know me, my friends, most of them know everything already this is just a more emotional and flowery way to say what’s been going on with me...my family, well they know a lot as well and heck my sister and I read each others, it’s practically a bonding ritual. Perhaps it’s those people that don’t know all about you but still know you..acquaintances, I wouldn’t want them to think that the things I say here are the only things I think, and yet, I don’t know why that would bug me because if they don’t like what they read well then that’s one less person I have to convince that I really am more normal than I seem lol
my point really is that I don’t want to be judged, and at the same time, I do want to be judged–confused? Well what I MEAN is I want everyone to know me the way I really am, I want them to see me the way I know me and not they way they want to see me, I don’t want them to place high standards and expectations on me if I don’t deserve it but I don’t want them to think poorly of me either, this is my life, this is the way it is, the good the bad and the emo basically haha which brings me to another point (don’tcha love those gateway topics) music, now u may say emo’s not music, but that’s not the point, the point is music is next on my mind.
I suppose music has always been a big thing in my life, from the time I was born or even before, until now it’s always been in my house and all around me. My parents felt it was important for us to have rhythm (Because they desperately lacked it) so we started listening to Rafee and Red Grammar tapes before we understood the concept of tapping our feet. I don’t think it was a conscious decision of theirs, they just liked music and we liked music and it just sort of happened that way, and I’m glad, because I have an ear for music and tend to tap my feet to the tempo and sing on key, that’s a bonus for those close to me because I sing all the time, and even though it’s usually not very pretty, at least I’m not completely tone deaf, think about it guys, it could be worse! And now it seems that those closest to me, friends wise, are music addicts, and know everything there is to know about the music they’re into, I’ve been educated about more bands in the past year than I have all my life, and I took 9 years of elementary school choir, so that says a bit. I think it all goes back to my attraction to passion, I mean musicians, and their music, it’s just so full of passion, of emotion, and raw feelings, I don’t know but there’s just something about that passion that draws me in and gets me hooked, I can’t stand music if it’s half-hearted or just flung out there, I want to hear and feel what you were feeling when that song was born ya no, I mean that’s what music is all about, the lyrics and the notes have personality because a person wrote them from the heart, that’s just so amazing to me...I always wished I was instrumentally inclined so that I could express myself through song, but unfortunately 6 years and a lot of piano lessons and I can still barely read music. I used to love to sing, that was my emotional outlet for many of my growing up years, but well long story and many doctors later and that’s not happening anymore, so now all I can really hope for is listening to someone else’s expression and my writing...kind of ironic I think that as much as I love to talk and as much as I love to sing, writing is my outlet..and humor, that’s my coping mechanism..but I’m not really that humorous so that just kind of comes off as awkward. Maybe one of these days I’ll try to actually express my emotions AS EMOTIONS...hahaha yea right, not gonna happen! I just doubt I’ll ever be one of those weep openly, scream at my kids in public, dance in the street, heart on my sleeve types...it’s just not me, I’d rather bottle up my emotions, slap on a smile, and speak loudly, what’cha think? Good? Ok!
This has gotten lengthy enough, I’ll cut off now, but I suppose the only reason I wrote this was because I was thinking about how I posted my private blog publically now and I wanted you all to know that I didn’t do it for fun, I did it so that I wasn’t hiding anything, I want to be as straight forward and honest as possible, I try my best to put forth a positive representation of myself but often times that requires leaving out the fine details and I want y’all to know those details I’m too shy to say.
Changedfish
posted by changedfish @ 3:14 AM
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