week one down yo!
i think what i'm learning more than anything else is just how much people love me. i mean the fact that it's so difficult to slip into the background and not be a key player does say something about my friendship. granted i force myself into that position being as loud as i am that i'm impossible to ignore but still it's interesting to watch how much people want to know how it's going and how i'm doing and try so hard to communicate with me. i know that to some extent that's the exact opposite of my original intent with this but it seems that my decision is a bigger deal to others than to me (thanks all you "helpers" out there who like to over-enforce and tell me i can't laugh!), it truly hasn't been that hard for me. sure there are times when i want to talk but i feel like it feels right at times too, to just sit and listen.
now i should be clear that if it were complete and utter silence for 40 straight days with no exceptions and no communication possible i would shrivel up and cry lol...i do get to talk for work and for ministry and i'll get to talk on my spring break trip and then pretty soon it's easter break. also here in the room my roommate do a bit of talking. it wasn't my original plan but i told her before this whole thing started that i wanted her to be honest with me about how much she wanted me to talk- this is not some crazy psych experiment, it's supposed to be beneficial and seriously after like 3 days you could just feel the strain in our relationship. i think if i were ever to recommend giving up talking to anyone i would say to pick one person- roommate, best friend, mom, spouse, whomever, that you talk to and they agree that you can talk with them. it's not just beneficial to me but really whoever is the closest person to you really does take a blow for it to you know. i dunno, i feel like each day i'm doing this for a different purpose. yes i am trying to be less attention hungry and people are finally starting to warm up to the idea and forget i'm there at times. it's been neat to see where conversations go that i think i would've stiffled, and it's neat to hear quieter people get a chance to give in their two-cents. and i dont' just mean liek "wow, cool" it's more like a constant reminder of why i need to do this in the first place. like seriously, i don't mind being loud and talking much of the time but there are definately days and times when i feel like i'm looking in on me from the outside and the outside me is looking at the gabbering me, wagging her finger and thinking, "wow, shut up already, no one's listening" lol...and i don't say that to be some crazy self-loathing remark, it's just that i found this semester that i had more of those days than days when i felt like i was saying something valuable, and i could jsut feel my control of how much i was outputting slipping and soon i felt like i couldn't stop myself from saying too much, too often, that didn't even matter...i needed something radical to shake me up and get me to at least consider not being completely ridiculous all the time.
my biggest fear is that this isn't going to teach me anything- i feel like it's almsot going by too fast (i know, quote me on that 3 weeks in lol) but still it's like this weekend is refugee weekend already! and then the next week it's spring break already!! next thing i knwo it's going to be easter and i'm gonna be like, wait no, i'm not ready to talk yet i haven't learned my lesson...
though something i'm learning is to let myself be who God's made me to be. like not trying to be this mousy person that i'm simply not cut out to be. we learned in urban min not to try to be all ghetto when we just aren't. God made me white middle class suburban for a reason and he made me loud for a reason too. i just have to be sure that i'm not using the traits He gave me for things that distract attention to me and away from Him.
on another note i feel like i'm getting into a place where i'm starting to trust God with my future and it's a little bit freaking me out. see i like to have a plan, i like to know what i'm doing and where i'm headed and i have this tendency to pick a path and then be all gung-ho about it. like seriously when i got to cedarville i had just switched from psych to comm arts and i was set on going to grad school and being a professor and a public speaker and all of this and looking at the forensics team and the debate team and then God was like, oh sweet pea, you're all messed up, here you go- and He picked me up and placed me on a new path- and then i was all set on psych and abstincence programs that i was going to get into, and decided to nix any thoughts of grad school cuz who needs it when i'm not going to be a counselor..then came urban min and again my world is like- what is going on? do i want to head to the city do i not? and then one of my mentors in the abstinence ed world says that grad school is key and defianetly should be on my mind and i'm like, ok back to square one? and now i'm in adv. urban, and contemporary world missions, and psych classes and abstience ministries and i'm sitting here like, wow i could move home, i could move to a foreign country, i could move to the city, i could.....do anything and i'm just so conflicted and all i hear from others is "just stop worrying and trust God" and i do...see that's the thing, i truly believe that no matter what, i'll be ok, and i know that i'm trying my hardest not to worry about the future and to just give Him the reigns but with so many options it is a little nerve-racking. so bizzare to say that having too much opportunity is a problem, is that not just the irony of life- i mean there are millions in this world who have no options at all and then i have too many and i'm complaining, what is this?
while you were sleeping, i figured out everything, i was constructed for you and you were molded for me, now i feel your name coursing through my veins, you shine so bright it's insane you put the stars to shame-changedfish-
i think what i'm learning more than anything else is just how much people love me. i mean the fact that it's so difficult to slip into the background and not be a key player does say something about my friendship. granted i force myself into that position being as loud as i am that i'm impossible to ignore but still it's interesting to watch how much people want to know how it's going and how i'm doing and try so hard to communicate with me. i know that to some extent that's the exact opposite of my original intent with this but it seems that my decision is a bigger deal to others than to me (thanks all you "helpers" out there who like to over-enforce and tell me i can't laugh!), it truly hasn't been that hard for me. sure there are times when i want to talk but i feel like it feels right at times too, to just sit and listen.
now i should be clear that if it were complete and utter silence for 40 straight days with no exceptions and no communication possible i would shrivel up and cry lol...i do get to talk for work and for ministry and i'll get to talk on my spring break trip and then pretty soon it's easter break. also here in the room my roommate do a bit of talking. it wasn't my original plan but i told her before this whole thing started that i wanted her to be honest with me about how much she wanted me to talk- this is not some crazy psych experiment, it's supposed to be beneficial and seriously after like 3 days you could just feel the strain in our relationship. i think if i were ever to recommend giving up talking to anyone i would say to pick one person- roommate, best friend, mom, spouse, whomever, that you talk to and they agree that you can talk with them. it's not just beneficial to me but really whoever is the closest person to you really does take a blow for it to you know. i dunno, i feel like each day i'm doing this for a different purpose. yes i am trying to be less attention hungry and people are finally starting to warm up to the idea and forget i'm there at times. it's been neat to see where conversations go that i think i would've stiffled, and it's neat to hear quieter people get a chance to give in their two-cents. and i dont' just mean liek "wow, cool" it's more like a constant reminder of why i need to do this in the first place. like seriously, i don't mind being loud and talking much of the time but there are definately days and times when i feel like i'm looking in on me from the outside and the outside me is looking at the gabbering me, wagging her finger and thinking, "wow, shut up already, no one's listening" lol...and i don't say that to be some crazy self-loathing remark, it's just that i found this semester that i had more of those days than days when i felt like i was saying something valuable, and i could jsut feel my control of how much i was outputting slipping and soon i felt like i couldn't stop myself from saying too much, too often, that didn't even matter...i needed something radical to shake me up and get me to at least consider not being completely ridiculous all the time.
my biggest fear is that this isn't going to teach me anything- i feel like it's almsot going by too fast (i know, quote me on that 3 weeks in lol) but still it's like this weekend is refugee weekend already! and then the next week it's spring break already!! next thing i knwo it's going to be easter and i'm gonna be like, wait no, i'm not ready to talk yet i haven't learned my lesson...
though something i'm learning is to let myself be who God's made me to be. like not trying to be this mousy person that i'm simply not cut out to be. we learned in urban min not to try to be all ghetto when we just aren't. God made me white middle class suburban for a reason and he made me loud for a reason too. i just have to be sure that i'm not using the traits He gave me for things that distract attention to me and away from Him.
on another note i feel like i'm getting into a place where i'm starting to trust God with my future and it's a little bit freaking me out. see i like to have a plan, i like to know what i'm doing and where i'm headed and i have this tendency to pick a path and then be all gung-ho about it. like seriously when i got to cedarville i had just switched from psych to comm arts and i was set on going to grad school and being a professor and a public speaker and all of this and looking at the forensics team and the debate team and then God was like, oh sweet pea, you're all messed up, here you go- and He picked me up and placed me on a new path- and then i was all set on psych and abstincence programs that i was going to get into, and decided to nix any thoughts of grad school cuz who needs it when i'm not going to be a counselor..then came urban min and again my world is like- what is going on? do i want to head to the city do i not? and then one of my mentors in the abstinence ed world says that grad school is key and defianetly should be on my mind and i'm like, ok back to square one? and now i'm in adv. urban, and contemporary world missions, and psych classes and abstience ministries and i'm sitting here like, wow i could move home, i could move to a foreign country, i could move to the city, i could.....do anything and i'm just so conflicted and all i hear from others is "just stop worrying and trust God" and i do...see that's the thing, i truly believe that no matter what, i'll be ok, and i know that i'm trying my hardest not to worry about the future and to just give Him the reigns but with so many options it is a little nerve-racking. so bizzare to say that having too much opportunity is a problem, is that not just the irony of life- i mean there are millions in this world who have no options at all and then i have too many and i'm complaining, what is this?
while you were sleeping, i figured out everything, i was constructed for you and you were molded for me, now i feel your name coursing through my veins, you shine so bright it's insane you put the stars to shame-changedfish-
posted by changedfish @ 11:56 AM
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