(so, i wrote this in the morning and by the end of the day it wasn't so bad...sometimes i need to whine)
My Most Apathetic Day Yet...
I don’t know if you understand, I feel like summer disappeared. It’s like it never even happened. It’s fading into the background-surreal- like I dreamt it. And even worse, the good times fade the fastest, until all I can grasp are the bad times and even those are trapped in an impenetrable cloud. I thought I was the optimist.
I read about lizards doing push-ups and a wave of memory washed over me but it was harsh, not soft, not subtle, a sharp wave of summer, hot and hard it hit me like a wall and then left before I could chase after it.
I thought it would be ok too you know, I really did, by the end I really didn’t think it would be like this and now by my own fault it’s come to this. This point where all I want to do is lock the doors and let my fragile angel sleep until it passes her by.
Last night was the epitome of it all, watching the group of us, none of us having the energy to fake it but lacking the selfishness to admit it. A bunch of broken people, lost in a familiar world, not sure how to pick up the pieces and no one around to show them how except other broken individuals around them.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
This isn’t me. I’m starting to forget me too, it went away with the summer. I don’t even take pictures, me, not taking pictures- only taking them to add to the façade that this is all ok, that nothing is different, that this is how I choose life to be.
It’s like I don’t want to remember this, I want to pretend that it doesn’t count as a point in life, that it never existed, that the people closest to me aren’t in constant unquenchable pain.
I can’t fix it, I want to fix it, but I can’t.
My first inclination is to give it all up. Up past the clouds and the sky, past the universe to the one who knows what to do with it all. I want to give this year to the Lord and walk away and let it be what it is…but somehow I don’t let myself. I have this insatiable desire for control, to figure it out on my own, to make the world better for everyone around me- what is that about me? What is it in me that would allow me to relinquish control, to hand it over to the only one who can do it all.
Changedfish- In dependence is courage
ps it's ok for you to believe matthew 7:7- hope makes the world go 'round
My Most Apathetic Day Yet...
I don’t know if you understand, I feel like summer disappeared. It’s like it never even happened. It’s fading into the background-surreal- like I dreamt it. And even worse, the good times fade the fastest, until all I can grasp are the bad times and even those are trapped in an impenetrable cloud. I thought I was the optimist.
I read about lizards doing push-ups and a wave of memory washed over me but it was harsh, not soft, not subtle, a sharp wave of summer, hot and hard it hit me like a wall and then left before I could chase after it.
I thought it would be ok too you know, I really did, by the end I really didn’t think it would be like this and now by my own fault it’s come to this. This point where all I want to do is lock the doors and let my fragile angel sleep until it passes her by.
Last night was the epitome of it all, watching the group of us, none of us having the energy to fake it but lacking the selfishness to admit it. A bunch of broken people, lost in a familiar world, not sure how to pick up the pieces and no one around to show them how except other broken individuals around them.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
This isn’t me. I’m starting to forget me too, it went away with the summer. I don’t even take pictures, me, not taking pictures- only taking them to add to the façade that this is all ok, that nothing is different, that this is how I choose life to be.
It’s like I don’t want to remember this, I want to pretend that it doesn’t count as a point in life, that it never existed, that the people closest to me aren’t in constant unquenchable pain.
I can’t fix it, I want to fix it, but I can’t.
My first inclination is to give it all up. Up past the clouds and the sky, past the universe to the one who knows what to do with it all. I want to give this year to the Lord and walk away and let it be what it is…but somehow I don’t let myself. I have this insatiable desire for control, to figure it out on my own, to make the world better for everyone around me- what is that about me? What is it in me that would allow me to relinquish control, to hand it over to the only one who can do it all.
Changedfish- In dependence is courage
ps it's ok for you to believe matthew 7:7- hope makes the world go 'round
posted by changedfish @ 2:12 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home