what if you catch me where would we land- a bird could love a fish but where would they live.

i ignore you because i care about you- is that so bad? has it really come to this, my first reaction when i see you is to turn away, avert my eyes, act as if i don't see you. i dont' knwo what else to do- it's my immense respect for you that causes me to act this way- it's not that i don't want to see you, that i don't want to run up and say hello...it's not about what i want, it's about what you want, what she wants- and i guess about what i want for you. i want you to be happy so badly that i don't really care that it upsets me, i mean i care, sure i care, obviously i can't see you without it frustrating me that i can't hang out with you, say hey, be your friend...i understand relationships and boundaries and not getting too close with other girls and all that, i'm not dumb, i understand jealousy but is that all it is at this point- jealously? or is it a personal vendetta against me? does she just not like ME or is it the thought of what you think of me? why can't i just talk to you? why can't we be friends...it hurts, it really does, i feel so defensive in this area, i feel like i'm not trustworthy, like i must seem like some kind of harlot you know, i mean why else would i be so forbidden? there are so many girls out there that would try to snake in, so many girls who wouldn't respect the boundaries, so many girls...so many girls....i try SO hard, every day NOT to be one of those other girls, not to create more problems, not to be a nuisance but one of these days it's just going to be too late, too far gone...we won't have a friendship left to fight for...it sounds so lame in my head that i'm fighting for something...fighting...i don't think you call this fighting- i think you call it turning over and playing dead, i just don't...i just don't know what you want me to do and you never tell me, you seem to be just as sorry as i am that things are the way they are but being sorry doesn't tell me what i'm supposed to do, how i'm supposed to act. and i dont' want to be taking the selfish approach on this in any way, i just mean i want to make this easy for you, if you want me to give up well i guess i have no choice, but if there's some magic formula here just help me find it, help me so that i can solve this unsolvable mystery...i'm at the end of my rope- i don't know how i am supposed to handle this situation tactfully, it's like i go to the extreme side just to be safe but i dont' know if that works, i dont' know what message that's sending you...i don't want you to think this is the way i want it, the way i prefer it, because let me tell you this is no way to have a friendship, i don't want to get you in trouble yet it seems the only way is secrecy and that's not really ok with me....grr growl
changedfish- wit's end, check