being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up, these are the best days of our lives.

this semester has been a bit intense for me to start with. i mean i dunno, i love these people SO much, more than i could've imagined i would, but it seems that in following my ordinary schedule around this time of year is when i just kind of get tired of making an effort, i start to feel as if i'd rather just hang out and have some me time, watch a movie or spend some time with God, or read a book. i mean i don't know if it's weather, if it's just the length of time since summer, what it is. usually it doesn't even come this soon but i guess it's probably more the fact that i feel like i'm really starting to get to know these people really well, and they're getting to know me, and i like to keep people at a certain distance. i like to hang out with people and have fun and know a bit about them, they know a bit about me but when it starts getting too deep too often my instinct is to shrink back. it's just a lot of work to invest heavily in the lives of others, i don't like to let people down, and i don't like to have too many expectations placed upon me. i mean the amount of trust these people place in me is overwhelming, why? why do these people trust me? why do these people love me? why do these people find me amusing, important? i have this incredible fear that at some point i'm going to make a wrong move and i think it's easier if i just don't spend too much time with all of them, that way it's less likely that i'll screw it up. and that's doable this semester, i mean ihave 18.5 credit hours, some pretty time consuming classes and i have 2 bible studies i'm doing and sometimes i have so much to do that i just end up forgetting things, therefore cutting out excesive friend time seems like a good option. and coming up with quality excuses is easy, who can argue with homework, and i really don't feel like i'm missing out most often- if i did i would just go along you know. i dunno...i know this isn't the right approach, i guess i should just toughen up and work through the hard times, but it's so much easier said than done. at least at high school when i went home at the end of the day i didn't have to deal with it anymore, here i go home and it's all around me, and it's not that that's a bad thing, i mean i love that about college, i love how close you can be with people it's just, i dunno sometimes i feel like the more i get more worked into this group the more i look to my outside friend/aquaintances and realize that the clique-ier we get the more i can't very well mix it up. i have to make choices between them and i hate that, i hate that i'm a floater by nature but that most people seem to be clumpers. i don't know what's wrong with me. i think i just take it all for granted after a certain point, i mean honestly i am still astounded by the group of friends i have aquired, i feel wildly blessed to have such great people around me, loving me, but i guess the more time you spend the more normal it seems and you forget to be grateful, it just seems like a duh, sort of the well of course i would have amazing friends, doesn't everyone? and that's what kills me inside, no not everyone does and i feel like i don't invest in other people the way i've been invested in. i work hard on being friendly and that's all well and good but i feel like i don't spend enough time encouraging, enough time listening to others, helping people with their problems, or just making time to hang out with them one-on-one. i know life is busy, everyone's is, but the fact that i don't ration my time and use it to the best of my ability bothers me. i've just felt so drained lately, so out of it, so tired, and just blah, it's not that i'm in a depressed mood, it's not like a sadness, i'm still a really joyful person, the Lord has given me more joy than almost anyone i know, but it's just this feeling of uselessness, i have so many intentions that i don't follow through on and i just i feel like God blesses me so much and what am i doing to pass that on to others? sure i'm nice to people and sure i make them laugh but what is that doing to further the kingdom of God you know? like i don't feel a call toward missions or full time ministry in it's traditional sense but i just know that there's more for me to be doing, there's more purpose that i'm not fullfilling right now. i know that right now my job is school and all but this is my training grounds, it's my preperation for the real world and i can't just put everything off until i'm done with school when i can start small things right now, that's just being a procrastinator...

i need more to-do lists in my life- changedfish