i think i love people too much, in the wrong ways.
people i don't know very well i love in a very complimentary (words of affrimation) way, giving them a lot of attention (quality time) and after the first few times often greet them with hugs and pats on the back(physical touch). but then people i know a lot better, close friends of mine, i still compliment, just not as much, it's not quite the shower, and i generally give them more quantity of time rather than quality often times. the way i show love to those i'm closer to is usually by the things i do for them (acts of service) or little things/notes i give them (gifts) and often a lot of hugs and cuddles etc (once again physical touch). and it's more than that, i mean i feel like i at least attempt to cater to peoples "love languages" or whatever, but i feel like i don't show my good qualities to those i don't know well and i don't know why. i mean i think i scare people off with being TOO friendly in the wrong ways. people don't think i'm being genuine, and i guess in a sense i'm not. i mean i really do generally get excited to see that person, and i really do love them, honest, i don't just say that word because i want them to think i'm nice, i say it because i love people, i really love them, and when i tell them that they make me happy it's totally sincere- they DO make me happy, so many people make me just so joyful even to see them walking down the sidewalk so in that sense it's totally genuine and sincere and not a ficade at all- that's not what is fake about my surface friendships, what's essentially fake about it is that that's not how i treat my close friends. well, not exactly. ok, see when i see my close friends i still get giddy and i hug them and talk excitedly and all of that, just the same as if it were someone from one of my classes that is more a friendly aquaintance than a close friend, but at the same time it's different because with those who are closest to me i can be myself, if i'm upset or tired or just not in the mood to be super happy that's ok with them. like i know that it would be fine with my newer friends too but somehow i just can't do that with them, i can't often have super serious conversations about things that matter to me or just be chill and calm- and i don't know WHY! that's why people think of me as different than i am because i act differently than i am- duh! jess and i talked about that the other day- it's just a different form of shyness- a less explored form. people think that i'm not self-conscious that i'm not shy, that i'm not nervous because i act friendly and that's not entirely true- that's just the whole point of the front you know.
also i feel like i build people up in my head so high that not only do i crash really hard when they let me down but also i put them up so high that i don't feel like i'm on their level, and therefore i tend not to believe their kind words or compliments. i tell people over and over how amazing they are and i truly believe that they are, i feel that my friends, my aquantainces are such special amazing people that i can't even begin to measure up- and that's in a sense a good thing. it's a modest humble view of myself but at the same time it creates that feeling in me that i'm not good enough for any of them, that i will never be good enough for them and that they are only being kind adn complimentary to me out of obligation- in order to pay me back for my kind words.
i always wonder if people believe what i tell them. like i wonder if when i tell someone that they are beautiful, i wonder if they believe it. personally i hate that cheesy whooing bit, like that doesn't make me melt it makes me gag, and yet i do that. ok i half of the time do that and the rest of the time i give original genuine compliments. but if i give the same remark to more than one person does that mean that it's all of a sudden void? if i tell 10 people in one day that they make me happy is that wrong? they all DO make me happy, so why can i not tell them that just because i told someone else that? and yet it still seems to be less real if it's used on a large scale.
i know i shouldn't worry about what people think of me- i know that, but at the same time sometimes what they say about me is important you know. i don't want there to be this huge thing where everyone thinks that melanie is fake and ingenuine and just says nice things so people will like her and they all think that. because that's not my intention. i really don't say things that i don't believe are true- yes i say them in a sing-song tone sometimes, and yes i smile bigger than the ark when i see certain people, and no i dont' always have huge deep theological discussions with every person i meet, but does that make me shallow? does that make me superficial? does it put me in the catagory of happy peppy people that have no depth to them, that have no volume. just a 2-dimentional person with a happy face? becasue folks that's not what i'm about to be here on this planet. i refuse to be labeled that way- i can change if i have to. i know i have flaws,i know i can be too flirty, i know i can get too touchy, adn i know i'm too loud and energetic and some people don't like that..i know my flaws, you don't have to tell me my flaws, i'm well aware. what i don't already know is the public opinion of me (and i don't mean public opinion like government, i mean it like what is the popular opinion of the public)
i think through all this what i want is to be valued, for someone to love me as much as i love people, but in a sense that would ruin me. i do this to show my appreciation towards people and not in order to get their appreciation and so while i would love to have my ego grow 12 sizes i know that's not really want i need, it's not something that would be good for me. i don't need empty compliments from people who just feel the need to reciprocate and be flattering, i need quality compliments that i think people know they are giving, not just some random words they put together that they liked the sound of and decided to use on me...
changedfish- so much to say
people i don't know very well i love in a very complimentary (words of affrimation) way, giving them a lot of attention (quality time) and after the first few times often greet them with hugs and pats on the back(physical touch). but then people i know a lot better, close friends of mine, i still compliment, just not as much, it's not quite the shower, and i generally give them more quantity of time rather than quality often times. the way i show love to those i'm closer to is usually by the things i do for them (acts of service) or little things/notes i give them (gifts) and often a lot of hugs and cuddles etc (once again physical touch). and it's more than that, i mean i feel like i at least attempt to cater to peoples "love languages" or whatever, but i feel like i don't show my good qualities to those i don't know well and i don't know why. i mean i think i scare people off with being TOO friendly in the wrong ways. people don't think i'm being genuine, and i guess in a sense i'm not. i mean i really do generally get excited to see that person, and i really do love them, honest, i don't just say that word because i want them to think i'm nice, i say it because i love people, i really love them, and when i tell them that they make me happy it's totally sincere- they DO make me happy, so many people make me just so joyful even to see them walking down the sidewalk so in that sense it's totally genuine and sincere and not a ficade at all- that's not what is fake about my surface friendships, what's essentially fake about it is that that's not how i treat my close friends. well, not exactly. ok, see when i see my close friends i still get giddy and i hug them and talk excitedly and all of that, just the same as if it were someone from one of my classes that is more a friendly aquaintance than a close friend, but at the same time it's different because with those who are closest to me i can be myself, if i'm upset or tired or just not in the mood to be super happy that's ok with them. like i know that it would be fine with my newer friends too but somehow i just can't do that with them, i can't often have super serious conversations about things that matter to me or just be chill and calm- and i don't know WHY! that's why people think of me as different than i am because i act differently than i am- duh! jess and i talked about that the other day- it's just a different form of shyness- a less explored form. people think that i'm not self-conscious that i'm not shy, that i'm not nervous because i act friendly and that's not entirely true- that's just the whole point of the front you know.
also i feel like i build people up in my head so high that not only do i crash really hard when they let me down but also i put them up so high that i don't feel like i'm on their level, and therefore i tend not to believe their kind words or compliments. i tell people over and over how amazing they are and i truly believe that they are, i feel that my friends, my aquantainces are such special amazing people that i can't even begin to measure up- and that's in a sense a good thing. it's a modest humble view of myself but at the same time it creates that feeling in me that i'm not good enough for any of them, that i will never be good enough for them and that they are only being kind adn complimentary to me out of obligation- in order to pay me back for my kind words.
i always wonder if people believe what i tell them. like i wonder if when i tell someone that they are beautiful, i wonder if they believe it. personally i hate that cheesy whooing bit, like that doesn't make me melt it makes me gag, and yet i do that. ok i half of the time do that and the rest of the time i give original genuine compliments. but if i give the same remark to more than one person does that mean that it's all of a sudden void? if i tell 10 people in one day that they make me happy is that wrong? they all DO make me happy, so why can i not tell them that just because i told someone else that? and yet it still seems to be less real if it's used on a large scale.
i know i shouldn't worry about what people think of me- i know that, but at the same time sometimes what they say about me is important you know. i don't want there to be this huge thing where everyone thinks that melanie is fake and ingenuine and just says nice things so people will like her and they all think that. because that's not my intention. i really don't say things that i don't believe are true- yes i say them in a sing-song tone sometimes, and yes i smile bigger than the ark when i see certain people, and no i dont' always have huge deep theological discussions with every person i meet, but does that make me shallow? does that make me superficial? does it put me in the catagory of happy peppy people that have no depth to them, that have no volume. just a 2-dimentional person with a happy face? becasue folks that's not what i'm about to be here on this planet. i refuse to be labeled that way- i can change if i have to. i know i have flaws,i know i can be too flirty, i know i can get too touchy, adn i know i'm too loud and energetic and some people don't like that..i know my flaws, you don't have to tell me my flaws, i'm well aware. what i don't already know is the public opinion of me (and i don't mean public opinion like government, i mean it like what is the popular opinion of the public)
i think through all this what i want is to be valued, for someone to love me as much as i love people, but in a sense that would ruin me. i do this to show my appreciation towards people and not in order to get their appreciation and so while i would love to have my ego grow 12 sizes i know that's not really want i need, it's not something that would be good for me. i don't need empty compliments from people who just feel the need to reciprocate and be flattering, i need quality compliments that i think people know they are giving, not just some random words they put together that they liked the sound of and decided to use on me...
changedfish- so much to say
posted by changedfish @ 3:55 PM
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