you know the saying "history repeats itself"? uh...i've come to find that it is most definately a true statement! i mean, this year, the past bunch of months, has been so round in circles....and i told myself i wouldn't do it again so many times, and this time i burned the bridges, i really did, i made it so i couldn't go back and no one could come get me, i made it so no one would want to come after me... i was finally thinking that i was ok, finally things had resumed a normalcy about them...i even wrote a poem about it(and i don't write poems hehe) it was just, even tho i wasn't really happy, i figured i was better off, and then all of a sudden it rushes back at me! y does it do that? y can't things just keep going, y do i have to look back??? i should've been a pillar of salt a LONG time ago (bible story, sodom and gomarrah)
it all started (well, the begining via writting anyhow)
on november 26th, when i thot i had a chance at getting a semi-formal date, but i'd screwed it up.
by november 29th i was talking about my love for spontenaity (can't spell!)
then december 1st i felt as if i'd screwed things up by saying something in the first place
december 2nd i "wish i didn't know now wut i didn't know then" crazy!
december 7 i realize i see myself differently than others do
december 15th i'm happy and cheery about it all
on december 22nd i realize that "i am jello" and i can't make a decision about this thing.
On December 26th i basically said "when it's over it's over"
then on january 31st i basically said i could have had what i wanted, why did i screw things up?
then February 1st i said i'll stick around even though i should leave
THEN on valentines day i said i want to be together
february 24, 28, 29 i was all peachy, i was happy about it!
by march 8th i thot i'd hit "the standstill"
march 13th i was talking about the right thing not being what i wanted
april 5th i ended it all
april 6th i wanted it back
april 17th i said i knew it was the right thing to end it
April 20th i was thinking about february 1st!!
i haven't written about that thing since, i was writting about friends, about new guys, about anything and everything BUT that! and now...here i am again...what am i doing? does he realize wut i've done to him, doesn't he see he should forget he ever knew me? but i don't want him to....so, summers comming, i guess i'll see...changedfish