"I'm a stupid woman, I never should have come"
you know, it's funny, cuz i'm pretty keen on doing childish, silly things on a fairly regular basis. i don't really like to act my age all the time, or be pristine the majority of the time. and i suppose i've spent a lot of this past year stiffling that urge to be silly because i wasn't around an large number of people who shared my love for the truly insane.
it's one of those things where one instant you are laughing, having a blast and then you look across and see someone looking at you like you're stupid adn all of a sudden you feel as big as thumbelina. and it's weird because i shouldn't be that insecure. you know? like that one person's opinion shouldn't matter so heavily that i cease to enjoy what i'm doing. often times i don't even know the person that makes me feel inferrior.
the worse part is that sometimes i catch myself passing the same judgement. i look at people soaked head to foot playing in the rain and i think that's just dumb, they're going to be cold and wet. why do i do that? what gives me the right to be so hypocritical? why would i cause people to feel bad with a glance when i shrink at the same condemning glances. it's like i think that when i do it it's all ok and fun and practical but when someone else does it theyr'e being immature- and i hate that. that's so dumb because i almost pride myself in being my own person adn being kind to everyone and that just shoots a hole in both. if i was really my own person, it wouldn't matter what those people thought, and if i was kind to everyone i would appreciate them for their originality and leave them be.
that kind of fun should be endearing. keeping that grasp on childhood should be praised, not punished.
so maybe people giving those glares really wish that they could be out there too, stomping in the water, making angels in the middle of wal-mart, but they know deep inside that they don't have the confidence to be that free, and so rather than smiling and saying "wow you're sure making the most of each day," they snicker to their friends. i think that may be what it is for me...i know how much fun those people are having, i know that they're experiencing utter joy and i think to myself, i'd love to be doing that right now rather than walking briskly by with my crowd of socially conscious friends.
changedfish- so be who you want to be, go where you want to go, and always remember the good things about your childhood.