Peter Much?
i've taken a lot of pictures lately, and had a lot of pictures taken of me, and i had shipped to me a zillion pictures to surround my room as well. being around so many images of myself and others well ordinarily i would find that annoying, self-conscious making (if i can use a very scott westerfeld phrase) but somehow it's had the opposite effect on me. truly i feel more comfortable with my appearance lately than ever before. i mean i'm sure part of it is that i'm getting older, more mature in general, but i think it's more than that, it's just a slow realization that ones self image is so skewed from what the world sees in them. i mean how many times has someone told you that they thought you looked amazing on a day when you felt totally ick? how many times do you feel fat and get told you look slim that day? and even if no one ever really says that i guarantee you are your worst critic. i think that about my acting (quick prayer request- i have auditions tomorrow) like i never would have imagined that i was anything interesting on stage in the least but people keep telling me i have stage presence, enough that i start to believe it. i guess it's a loss in sensitivity. like the more your exposed to something the less you notice it, but i think this is a case in which that's a good thing. like it's a good idea to have a healthy body-image. it's a good thing to think that your relatively attractive- it's not some huge ego trip to think you're good looking in my mind. i mean especially here in america where so many girls starve themselves literally to death because their self body-image is so poor, they have such a perverted idea of what they look like- it's dangerous. i used to hate pictures of myself, you know how you always think you look stupid in pictures, not just when you get caught with lazy eyes or your mouth open- but always, well i'm starting not to think that anymore, i see pictures of myself and sometimes i think 'well i could've looked better that day, but tha'ts not bad' and that's such a major improvement. i dunno i guess i go through phases. sometimes i think i'm the hideous beast and sometimes i think i'm beauty. i guess it's part of being a lady or something but i don't think it should be. i think my family did a great job of affirming me my entire life, my mother always telling me how beautiful i was, even my sister telling my mother who then told me that she thinks i'm beautiful, and people giving me compliments and all, and i don't say that to be full of myself i say it because it's true and the saddest part of the whold deal is that even after all of that i still don't feel that i'm truly beautiful, and i don't know that it would matter who said it or how many people, i think it's just the american mentality, maybe it's a universal mentality to never feel good enough, pretty enough, whatever enough, it's this nutty insatiable cycle we seem to go through. it just depresses me so deeply because i think what about people who never get complimented. what happens to their self esteem and body image? i mean if no one ever told you that you were beautiful how much more difficult would it be to believe it? and i suppose that's the underlying reason i try so hard to be complimentary adn kind to all people but it's just like what if no one ever said anything nice to you but they did say mean things to you, i mean you know how cruel kids can be and even adults often times, think about that and then wonder why the anorexia/bulemia rates are so high, why suicide is such a common choice among girls these days. and though they have a lower success rate than male suicide attempts it doesn't mean they won't try again, that they won't be emotionally scarred for so long. is it repairable? will they always feel hidious in their own skin? i totally can't imagine that. really, i can't. i'm finally getting to a stage in my life where i feel genuinely attractive a lot of the time, whether my face is a pizza or my pants muffin top or not lol...and it's just like, i can't imagine not having that general confidence about me. i can't imagine how hard it would be to walk out of my dorm every day feeling utterly inadequate.
and this doesn't even take into account personality, humor, general likableness...i mean what if no one ever wanted to talk to you, no one ever laughed at your jokes...how hard would life be to live if you didn't even have friends, if you didn't feel like you belonged anywhere? i just think i would hide all day long haha.
and i KNOW that what man thinks isn't important and coming from my Christian perspective i feel like whether i feel ugly or not whatever, worship God with all you have and say phooey to those who judge your appearance day to day..but i mean, not everyone has that. not everyone knows God loves them no matter what the world thinks and loves them more because of their pain...it's like, i just hurt for them, i physically ache because they feel alone and i couldn't stand to feel alone. i don't know what i'd do without that relationship of unconditional love...i don't know how i'd cope without someone to always talk to no matter what, no matter where...i love that. i love that i've found that...and i dunno...i guess i'm just realizing what life would be like with out that and i'm so glad i don't have to live that way.
changedfish
i've taken a lot of pictures lately, and had a lot of pictures taken of me, and i had shipped to me a zillion pictures to surround my room as well. being around so many images of myself and others well ordinarily i would find that annoying, self-conscious making (if i can use a very scott westerfeld phrase) but somehow it's had the opposite effect on me. truly i feel more comfortable with my appearance lately than ever before. i mean i'm sure part of it is that i'm getting older, more mature in general, but i think it's more than that, it's just a slow realization that ones self image is so skewed from what the world sees in them. i mean how many times has someone told you that they thought you looked amazing on a day when you felt totally ick? how many times do you feel fat and get told you look slim that day? and even if no one ever really says that i guarantee you are your worst critic. i think that about my acting (quick prayer request- i have auditions tomorrow) like i never would have imagined that i was anything interesting on stage in the least but people keep telling me i have stage presence, enough that i start to believe it. i guess it's a loss in sensitivity. like the more your exposed to something the less you notice it, but i think this is a case in which that's a good thing. like it's a good idea to have a healthy body-image. it's a good thing to think that your relatively attractive- it's not some huge ego trip to think you're good looking in my mind. i mean especially here in america where so many girls starve themselves literally to death because their self body-image is so poor, they have such a perverted idea of what they look like- it's dangerous. i used to hate pictures of myself, you know how you always think you look stupid in pictures, not just when you get caught with lazy eyes or your mouth open- but always, well i'm starting not to think that anymore, i see pictures of myself and sometimes i think 'well i could've looked better that day, but tha'ts not bad' and that's such a major improvement. i dunno i guess i go through phases. sometimes i think i'm the hideous beast and sometimes i think i'm beauty. i guess it's part of being a lady or something but i don't think it should be. i think my family did a great job of affirming me my entire life, my mother always telling me how beautiful i was, even my sister telling my mother who then told me that she thinks i'm beautiful, and people giving me compliments and all, and i don't say that to be full of myself i say it because it's true and the saddest part of the whold deal is that even after all of that i still don't feel that i'm truly beautiful, and i don't know that it would matter who said it or how many people, i think it's just the american mentality, maybe it's a universal mentality to never feel good enough, pretty enough, whatever enough, it's this nutty insatiable cycle we seem to go through. it just depresses me so deeply because i think what about people who never get complimented. what happens to their self esteem and body image? i mean if no one ever told you that you were beautiful how much more difficult would it be to believe it? and i suppose that's the underlying reason i try so hard to be complimentary adn kind to all people but it's just like what if no one ever said anything nice to you but they did say mean things to you, i mean you know how cruel kids can be and even adults often times, think about that and then wonder why the anorexia/bulemia rates are so high, why suicide is such a common choice among girls these days. and though they have a lower success rate than male suicide attempts it doesn't mean they won't try again, that they won't be emotionally scarred for so long. is it repairable? will they always feel hidious in their own skin? i totally can't imagine that. really, i can't. i'm finally getting to a stage in my life where i feel genuinely attractive a lot of the time, whether my face is a pizza or my pants muffin top or not lol...and it's just like, i can't imagine not having that general confidence about me. i can't imagine how hard it would be to walk out of my dorm every day feeling utterly inadequate.
and this doesn't even take into account personality, humor, general likableness...i mean what if no one ever wanted to talk to you, no one ever laughed at your jokes...how hard would life be to live if you didn't even have friends, if you didn't feel like you belonged anywhere? i just think i would hide all day long haha.
and i KNOW that what man thinks isn't important and coming from my Christian perspective i feel like whether i feel ugly or not whatever, worship God with all you have and say phooey to those who judge your appearance day to day..but i mean, not everyone has that. not everyone knows God loves them no matter what the world thinks and loves them more because of their pain...it's like, i just hurt for them, i physically ache because they feel alone and i couldn't stand to feel alone. i don't know what i'd do without that relationship of unconditional love...i don't know how i'd cope without someone to always talk to no matter what, no matter where...i love that. i love that i've found that...and i dunno...i guess i'm just realizing what life would be like with out that and i'm so glad i don't have to live that way.
changedfish
posted by changedfish @ 3:04 PM
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